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Vulnerability Part 2

Old 10-08-2015, 05:37 PM
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Vulnerability Part 2

A follow up to my last post on vulnerability...

Day 14 today. Not too many days yet but I feel like I've made some progress on acceptance this time that I think will last.

I came home last night after feeling increasingly overwhelming sadness while out with a good friend. It's funny how I can be spending time with my best friend in this world and still end up feeling so alone. I got into bed and let the tears flow. The thoughts I could not stop from taking up headspace in my mind: "I am single and alone, I will never find a partner." Not to mention: "I have spent most of the last 5 years going to bed and waking up alone, save for the couple of short flings I've had (while drinking intermittently) and the handful of one night stands I've had while drunk."
And: "What have I done with this stupid mindset I've had in the last 5+ years, that I can drink alcohol and that I don't have a problem." All of those mornings after I've suffered recently came crashing down on me last night....

More backstory - I had a great date on Sunday night and felt very proud of myself for letting him know outright that I don't drink. This sounds so silly at face value, but I have this anxiety about admitting it to others. It all went swimmingly, he reacted in an impressed way, and I felt pride in getting through the moment in a direct manner, vs. sidestepping the issue. I showed my vulnerability and allowed myself to be seen.

And then there was this wonderful kiss at the end of the night that was completely intoxicating....

But as the week wore on, I felt anxiety because I haven't heard much from him and of course, my brain is on overdrive and wants the immediate gratification of securing a second date and feeling like he is equally enamored with me. This need for immediate gratification is something I have previously buried with booze or pot.

I know being enamored sounds ridiculous after just a first date, but it has been a longgggg time since I've dated sober and allowed myself to have any kind of unadulterated (sober) feelings about someone. I know this is more about the idea of him vs who he truly is...I don't know him well and don't know he is someone I want to date long term, but I do want the opportunity to find out.

The lack of response on his part brought me back to the place I was at the end of my marriage - me, trying so hard to reach out to my ex to repair our connection, and him not responding or meeting me part way.
I come from a broken household growing up, with a mom that was embroiled in her own addictions and a dad I only saw part-time. So I have this innate desire to "control" in order to maintain order, and in the past I've medicated that with booze, thinking it empowered me in some way. How wrong that mindset is, and how ironic that it actually did the opposite by removing my power.

Despite my painful night I awoke feeling some serenity and calm about things. I can't control everything, and even if I never see this person again, the fact that I felt those warm fuzzy feelings proves to me that my heart is not dead, it's just waking up from a long boozy slumber.

I can't control anything but myself. I choose to risk the pain of rejection by continuing to take safe risks in love. I choose to admit to myself and to others that I don't drink and I choose to feel proud of that decision. The reaction I get is out of my hands, but without taking that vulnerability risk, I risk even more than that - not allowing myself to be seen and being kept in a shadow of my so-called "shameful secret." A much more isolating way to live.

So that's where I'm at today. Thanks for reading.
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Old 10-08-2015, 06:06 PM
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Hi Kityycat

I think it's great that you were upfront...but yeah...that obsessional thinking got me for a while too...

I'm glad Mrs Dee had a lot of patience cos I was quite neurotic for a long time...not like now when I am smooth as... LOL

no in all seriousness, I didn't have a long history of feeling good about myself and that took a little time to take root and for me not to expect disaster...

The thing is - if this guy likes you - he'll call...if not it's his loss

D
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Old 10-08-2015, 06:35 PM
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Aww thanks Dee. I agree, it will be his loss. I have no regrets about the date, it was still delightful and I know I'll have more delightful dates in the future.
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Old 10-08-2015, 07:59 PM
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Heh heh....smooth, Dee. Real smooth

That's great, kitty. I remember after my marriage broke up feeling exactly the same as you, and having similar experiences until I met my partner and was brave enough to be vulnerable with him. I found it incredibly difficult and quite scary. It took a long time before I was as smooth and cool with him as I am now

The date sounds lovely. You never know, he may be hanging back to look smooth, or could even have a problem with drink himself and is not ready to face it. Or maybe he just thinks you waaaaaayy out of his league :-)

Anyway, I think the way you handled yourself and the way you're viewing things is brilliant!!
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