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Old 10-07-2015, 04:11 PM
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None of your posts have been deleted or moved Sleepie. You have most likely lost track of which thread you posted in.
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Old 10-07-2015, 04:13 PM
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Ok sorry for the double post but I need this to be in the correct thread.
Obviously I am handling more than I am able to today

I am awaiting with horror, sheer unabated terror, my results. I am literally sick with fear. I self diagnosed one thing accurately that my boyfriend thought I was nuts about. But, I was right. People are always telling me I worry too much but I. WAS. RIGHT. I have scoliosis. I have seen this weird thing on my waist for years now and googled it and all the pictures showed what I have and said scoliosis. Every time I mentioned it to my boyfriend I got the same crap "everybody has asymmetries BLAH BLAH BLAH invalidation of sleepie's concerns blah blah". Same from my doctor but THEN he looked and came to realize yes, I have scoliosis which really clears up my many years of back pain for CHRIST'S SAKE.

They are testing me for a bunch of stuff and I am sick to think of it, why are these things happening to me, I have to get a dexa scan now which I couldn't afford, I lost an inch and they said that's not good so I'm probably looking at osteoperosis as well as whatever other horrors are in store. AND that was another thing I was freaking out about, I measured myself and was really upset that I'd lost another half inch. As usual, I hear the same BS, "Everybody shrinks as they get older"- yeah, IF THEY ARE ABOUT 80. And no, it's NOT normal, especially not at my age and I. WAS. RIGHT. Because then I'm getting an order from the dr. to get a dexa scan. It's over 500 dollars out of pocket and no way in hell do I have that kind of money. So any libertarians here you can be welcomed to watch my decline as you know I won't accept government assistance despite having paid into it for others in the past. Enjoy.

Despite quitting drinking my sugars are getting worse and worse. It crushing, simply crushing to go through all this only to reap the reward of poor health. That's what I get for quitting and going through hell to do so. No pink cloud for me, no good health or good looks- just things getting worse and worse as they always do.
I really don't see the point of quitting one bit today and had a really informative and pleasant info session on a number of craft beers at a local market today. So, when health issues and a 500 dollar scan or test that you can't afford are staring you in the face, yeah a ten dollar six pack and some relief look pretty d*** good.
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Old 10-07-2015, 04:20 PM
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I see you Sleepie. Responded in other thread, xoxoxo.
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Old 10-07-2015, 04:29 PM
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I can totally agree with your thinking, especially the past couple weeks!

I have done lots of tests so far but not the one to either dismiss my fears or confirm them etc. The doctor wont do that test until I go through my antibiotics for a couple weeks to make sure that isn't it.

I basically cant enjoy food, at all, and that was one thing that while drinking that i LOVED to enjoy, having a 6 pack of beer and my favorite pizza sounds so good right now. Even just the pizza but itll make me super nauseated about 10 minutes after like any good food does.

I really think we will be fine to be honest and this too will pass even though our minds are screaming NO YOU ARE GOING TO DIE!!!!

I have to wait possibly 2 weeks or more to get another test done to get rid of my worry, meanwhile its nausea, nightmares, insomnia, horrible work related anxiety and depression.
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Old 10-07-2015, 04:31 PM
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(((Sleepie))) I'm at a bit of a loss as to what to say. I've lived with chronic pain for years. For many of those years, I railed against it. "It's not fair! Why me?! I'm sick of this?!" Did that help me? Not at all. Made it much, much worse. I get it. I really do, because I've been in that negative space. I just had to accept it. Well, I didn't have to actually, but I can tell you things got a lot better after I did.

I now consider myself very fortunate. Yes, I have to take anti-inflammatories, and I don't enjoy being in pain. Who would? But it is what it is. I have a friend who has the worst case of arthritis in Australasia. My pain is nothing compared to her constant agony. She is the most positive person I know, despite it all. I almost worship her (although I would never tell her that!) At some point we have to stop making life harder for ourselves through resisting reality and wishing things were different. It just makes it all so much worse. I say this with compassion and understanding, Sleepie. I know how hard it is. I just wish for you a different perspective. It may feel impossible, but that's just the persuasiveness of our thinking.
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Old 10-07-2015, 04:42 PM
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He is testing me for ketones which I know is diabetes type one and that's from chronic pancreatitis which I am terrified of. I already have symptoms like peeing all the time and early diabetes so when I brought up the possibility of this he seemed to agree yes it's pretty likely. I never even had a chance at a good life, not being set up with a sociopath mother and an LD. Never even had a chance. Now that I got sober I find I will never have a chance, not even now. It is breaking me to pieces.
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Old 10-07-2015, 04:51 PM
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(((sleepie)))
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Old 10-07-2015, 04:52 PM
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Sleepie...I really wish you wouldn't automatically see the dark side of everything. Perhaps, finding out what is going on can bring forth a solution. Millions of people live with Type 1 diabetes and have rich fulfilling lives. It isn't a death sentence. It can be controlled, just like many other diseases.

You always have a chance, sleepie...unless you choose to give up.
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Old 10-07-2015, 05:03 PM
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Of course your doc is going to test for all those things. Some of those tests will probably come out normal. Some may not. You are surrounded with many people on SR in similar straits. I was diagnosed with severe osteoporosis at age 42. More than 10 years later, still no fractures. Am I afraid for my future health? You bet. I've seen the white-faced pain my mother endures. I want to live between now and then. And for me, drinking is dying, not living.
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Old 10-07-2015, 05:27 PM
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Never even had a chance. Now that I got sober I find I will never have a chance, not even now. It is breaking me to pieces.
I know what it's like to feel those catastrophising feelings , and to feel cheated out of the chance of a good life.

But you know sleepie there are 2 guys in my complex here who are wheelchair bound - they need help to do all but the most menial tasks.

They inspire me because they have every right to be bitter and bemoan their lot, but they don't.

They're grateful to be alive, living independently and managing their conditions and pain, and they try and make the very best of everyday.

They're not saints - they have bad days too - but they get through them

It's an awesome attitude and frankly it's one I aspire to.

You and I are both alive and reasonably healthy

Those guys remind me that no matter how bad things get, there really is a choice to be made by us - we can live in the positive or we can stay in the negative.

I don't expect you to suddenly smack your forehead and go "of course!!!...I'll be positive- thanks Dee!' and run off skipping and tra la la la-ing...

but it's worth rolling around a little in your mind. It really does make a difference
D
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Old 10-07-2015, 06:56 PM
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Sleepie,

My heart breaks for the pain you are going through, and I wish i had words to make you feel better. One thing you can take solace in is how much you are loved here, which is remarkable to see.

Including by me.

Hang on until tomorrow.
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Old 10-07-2015, 07:23 PM
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((((((sleepie))))))
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Old 10-07-2015, 09:35 PM
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Hey Sleepie,

Before going into full panic mode do a quick assessment of how many calories you've been taking in as opposed to how many you burn a day. I remember saying you bike to work and I know early recovery, for the most part, isn't the best time for a good healthy appetite.

It really may be that simple.

Ask your doctor if a vitamin supplement is a good idea as well. But I stress ask your doctor.

You're going through enough. Don't make it worse by freaking out over something that may not even be an issue. I know, easier said than done. Buy try!

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Old 10-07-2015, 10:05 PM
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Sleepie, I hope your health issues turn out to be better than you fear. I think you deserve a break, for sure.

Are the benzos the break you need? Is the six-pack the solution?

The addictive voice loves bad news. Prince Valium likes you to be sick. It gives him time to whisper in your ear...

Tell him he's weak, and you would rather be stronger facing these challenges without him pulling you down.
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Old 10-08-2015, 01:44 AM
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Absolutely cannot sleep. I am a wreck. I've been pulling my hair out I am so stressed, I wish that I could stop but I am just sick with fear and have nobody here to help me through this I just sit and go crazy alone. I guess most would have a family or a loved one but I don't. My BF is not very good at this kind of thing and also cannot visit me where I am so I am on my own as usual. I am having such severe anxiety I cannot stop pulling out my hair I am just a mess.
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Old 10-08-2015, 02:46 AM
  # 36 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by sleepie View Post
He is testing me for ketones which I know is diabetes type one and that's from chronic pancreatitis which I am terrified of. I already have symptoms like peeing all the time and early diabetes so when I brought up the possibility of this he seemed to agree yes it's pretty likely. I never even had a chance at a good life, not being set up with a sociopath mother and an LD. Never even had a chance. Now that I got sober I find I will never have a chance, not even now. It is breaking me to pieces.

Hi Sleepie I am sorry for all the worry you have been through. Hopefully my post will alleviate some of that. My husband is a Type 1 diabetic which he did get from chronic pancreatitis. I am unclear if you have chronic pancreatitis, if you fear that, or if you fear being type1, or both.

My husband can lose weight, as many diabetics can, in the snap of a finger. When I say he can drop 5 lbs in a day it is not an exaggeration. There is a common, inaccurate belief that all diabetics are overweight, not true. We have several friends that are diabetic that are also thin like my husband, and can also drop weight very easily. I think you need to understand what it means to be type 1 or type 2. Unless you have sustained an injury to your pancreas you most likely are type 2 even if you go on insulin. I have not read through your posts to know if this has happened.

If you are in ketoacidosis this would explain your weight loss. When there is not enough insulin the body will start breaking down fat which is why you may be losing weight.

If you have to go on insulin, I know that it is depressing thought. It is manageable. There is nothing my husband can't do. We live a very normal life. He is healthy.

I am sorry for all the anxiety you have had this evening - and hope that you did get some rest.
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Old 10-08-2015, 03:00 AM
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Personally I find it offensive to imply that people who have offered you help would enjoy watching you self destruct. You have been offered support and suggestions for months on end. I rarely see any appreciation unless people are coddling you. I think you need much more help than anyone here can provide. Good luck to you even though it doesn't seem positivity is your thing.
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Old 10-08-2015, 04:50 AM
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Hi Sleepie,

You are gonna be ok. I would hate to see you use this as an excuse to get back on benzos.

My default mode is negativity, anxiety, and self pity. I was drowning in it when I quit drinking. I also allowed myself to drown in it for a couple of months after I quit. I finally decided I could either focus on right now, this day, and make the most of it or I could continue being miserable for the rest of my life. I have no idea how long I have left. Could be a day or could be 20 years. But I want it to be as positive as possible regardless of the situation. I've found that changing to be positive is like most other things. I have to want it and I have to work at it. But it also gets easier with practice to where it becomes more of the default mode.

You have to do the footwork to make things change Sleepie. There is only so much we can do.
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Old 10-08-2015, 09:32 AM
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You know, I've still made it this far without drinking.
Wow. Very judgemental and harsh. I am under no obligation to be anyone other than who I am. I have my history, my experiences and my personality-as do we all. Despite being squashed for the first 20 years of my life by a sociopath sadist mother and physically abusive alcoholic father who beat me black and blue from literal neck to ankle- I have still maintained some small bit of who I am. If it insults anyone you are of course welcome to refrain from visiting my threads. I had to learn to be able to feel things like sadness or express anger without fear of major punishment- and that it's not only ok but well within my rights as a living, breathing human being to have and express these emotions- as growing up, I was severely punished for having a need or emotion.

All in all? I think I'm doing pretty damn good under the circumstances of my life for not having caved to the beer that's been sitting in the fridge for the week where I am staying.

I am not someone who takes without giving. Check my posts, where I visit "Newcomers" often, to give encouragement- not criticism.

End of the day? Thought this was a forum for addictions- some of us are bound to be a little less than positive- considering addiction, what leads one to addiction, and the the difficulties of fighting addiction.

I considered SR a place where I could be "real"- not like the real world where we must put on a good face despite what's going on.

Anyway, I didn't realize how many of you felt this way, but I suppose it's good to know.

Thanks.
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Old 10-08-2015, 09:43 AM
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Sleepie if you ever want to talk pm if you want
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