Holds1325

Hi all,

I'm not trying to put up another bummer post or anything like that but I've been pondering alot of things lately.

On another post I wrote how I thought that maybe I was being tested somehow or perhaps its not a test at all but rather just life in general. Perhaps my mind is testing me or maybe God, who knows?

Anyway the first 2 months of my sobriety I dealt with severe crippling anxiety and panic attacks. This occurred to the point where I would actually just leave work for an "emergency" because I felt like I was seriously losing my mind. In that time I ended up in the ER a couple times for it and even psychiatric for a couple days at a hospital in the city.

That whole time my biggest fear (which still is) was dying a sudden death, either by something terrible happening or me being somewhat suicidal, although the suicide was more of a fear of ending up that way rather than wanting to do it. Anyway thats not the point.

My point is that during that whole time I kept thinking well at least no one I know has died lately otherwise that would set me off! I experienced almost 1 week of hardly any anxious symptoms, and thats when current events set in.

In my area alone there have been too many numerous deaths ranging from sudden death, terminal illness to suicide and all within 1 month! I'm thinking wow, nothing for 2 months, I start to see out of the fog and then bam! All this news of death hits. I think this was actually when my hypochondria tendencies really shot through the roof.

It wasn't long after that I began to get "sick" and am still experiencing some residual effects from that or perhaps I really am. I'm not sure.

Perhaps this is just life and I'm just getting used to it. Perhaps death was happening around me all the time (which of course it was) but I just wasn't "aware" of it.

Perhaps I am being tested in some capacity to whether I can actually deal with life and death, in a healthy way.

Has anyone ever experienced too many thoughts about death? And I'm not talking about suicidal ideation or anything like that, I mean, has it happened so much around you that you felt doom you were next?

Maybe I'm being tested somewhat that with life, comes death. With my alcoholism I've always had this sense of, well death will happen in my sleep and I won't care, or, perhaps I'll live to be the oldest person ever! Or perhaps they will come up with a new cure for terminal illnesses in the next 20 years.

That could all be the case but still, trying to cope with life means coping with what life has, which includes death. I know its not all doom and gloom but perhaps this new "mountain" that I need to get over, is the very subject itself: death.

Anyway thats my thoughts for the day, thanks for listening.

doggonecarl

Your pondering, all this thinking about stuff, is just leading you down the path to anxiety. It's easier to tell someone to "quit thinking so much," than it is for that person to quit doing so, but your really have got to learn to do more living and less thinking...especially thinking about the future and about death. Live in the now. Take it minute by minute.

You are sober, which is a great accomplishment, but you can't even enjoy it in the state you are in.

biminiblue

I would say, stop torturing yourself with your own thoughts.


We don't get much say in how or when we die, none of us do. Why obsess over something we have no control over? Best thing to do is live a good, full life. It will happen when it happens. I try to eat well, sleep eight hours and get some exercise every day. Minimizing risk factors is the only "control" I have.

Holds1325

Not only am I down the path to anxiety, I have been travelling this rough road for months now! Possibly years, I might have been suppressing it due to alcohol.

Now that I think about it, I used to pound drink after drink so I didn't have to stare at the ceiling with my thoughts trying to sleep sober. I remember specifically thinking in my mind (this was before i quit of course) I don't want to be trapped with my thoughts tonight, so the drinking would begin.

I know its easier said then done to "quit thinking about it" but with the type of mind I possess its like telling a bird not to fly! I'm working on it though it is tough.

Soberwolf

Do you Journal Holds

Holds1325

I used to, its been difficult lately to do this at home the past few weeks with so much happening.

SR is sort of my place to put down my thoughts, I like to do that, theres not a huge amount of judgement and people listen, so its good.

PixieD

Holds, thanks for your post. Exactly 10 years ago i was feeling the exact same way. I can relate. Lost my brother to suicide & many more stories to tell about that year. Its normal to feel the way you are feeling. All i can say is ride it out the bst way you can. Feel it...at least you are feeling something. If you weren't experiencing the many emotions that go with all the loss etc then i'd think you should be concerned. Its so natural. Just dont get down on yourself. I know i'm my own worst enemy when the wild thoughts/questions take over. Many things out of our control. It sucks really. I know deep in my heart you will figure things out. Trust me..i have slowly, yet still to this day the very thoughts you are struggling with still try to over power my brain. Search for the tools to help you best. Thinking of you today.

Holds1325

Its difficult to try and get over all the negativity sometimes which includes death and its imminence.

I always wonder how I did without it so many years even with the alcohol.

How do some people do it? I know the answer is living in the day but others I begin to wonder how they do it without some type of therapy. For example the next person over, how do you do it?

Is it some type of blissful ignorance? Naivety? Maybe some convoluted idealogy that their life is eternal?

I don't know, sometimes I just want to get out of my head!

ScottFromWI

I finally accepted that I needed help with my anxiety, just like I needed help to conquer my alcoholism. That acceptance led me to seek therapy and so far it's helping. One practice that I do on my own that helps is mindfulness. There are many different ways to go about the practice, but the general concept literally addresses your last statement...it teaches you how to get "out of your own head".

I've been exactly where you are right now and it's not comfortable at all, but there is a way out. If you cannot do it on your own seek therapy...there is no shame in it and it can be very helpful.

SparkleKitty

Let me preface my response with the admission that I am a recovering co-dependent, not a recovering alcoholic. But anxiety and future tripping were my default position for decades just the same.

I went to therapy for five years to overcome ACoA issues and to help rebuild (or rather, build for the first time...) my self-esteem. That was a great foundation. About a year ago, after several years off, I returned to therapy to deal with lingering issues. Thank goodness I did, because it saved my butt from my own old patterns of behavior when things really started to fall apart around me.

In the last year plus, the theatre community I am a part of has lost almost a dozen people long before their time, including my ex-husband's wife, with whom I was very close. I was at her bedside when she passed at the age of 41. Freak accidents, cancer, suicide, you name it, this community has suffered it. People from my work have died as well. People I knew in college. Just this morning, my beloved stepmother-in-law passed away.

For awhile I kept wondering what the universe is trying to tell me, until I realized that for all it feels like this is something that is happening to me, it really, really isn't. It is happening, regardless of how I feel about it. I didn't cause it, and I can't control.

My only choice is acceptance. This is life, on life's terms, whether I like it or not. Whether I worry about it or not. Whether I expected it or not. Though I suppose I do have another choice -- I can let these events change me. I can't let them drive me into a cave of not getting close to people. I can live in abject fear of "What's going to happen next" every day.

I don't want to live like that. Not ever again. It's not ignorance. It's experience. Experience that tells me I need to be close to people. I need to put in the effort because life is impossibly short and I don't want to waste. Experience also tells me I will need support and help sometimes. I will need a therapist. I will need friends. I will need to cry when I feel sad, scream when I am angry, and I will need to give myself the time and space necessary to grieve my losses. And one day, when I am ready, I will have to move on. The alternative is unacceptable.

That's all I got. I hope you can find a way to live in the now and let the stuff you can't control go. Therapy did help me a great deal, both the foundation I built in the past, and the current support I receive today.

zjw

i always say deaths come in 3's. just seems to always work out that way for me. so if one person dies i'm like great 2 more to die.... and i brace myself.

Tooshabby

Hi Holds :-) I am just curious....I am not sure, but it looks from your posts that you may have spiritual beliefs of some kind. Do you believe life is eternal? There may be a strength there that you haven't fully tapped into.

Holds1325

I felt myself getting better the week or so before this started up.

Exercised everyday, talked regularly, went to my church regularly, was eating healthy and slowly getting there.

Now I don't know what happened, perhaps it was my subconscious dealing with all this fear that I'm just now dealing with?

I then started getting sick, couldn't eat, stopped going to church regularly, the people I talked with I have begun to ignore, I started going to the doctor again too much for fear that something is actually wrong with me (although I still have this worry now).

This all happened after news after news story of people dying that I used to know. Then the big news hit, a close relative passed away from an illness, and that hit hard.

I sometimes wonder if this is another shell of my worry that I need to overcome as the other worries that I have had are still somewhat there, but nonetheless arent there as strong.

Sometimes I also wonder if the news of the relative dying threw me into this hypochondriac state.

Could be both and I could actually be sick, either way, its really gotten me down over the past weeks.

zjw

I fall in to ruts just cant stay there long. I guess in early sobriety i'd spend weeks and months in the pits trying to rescue myself out of it. Recently i did a brief stint of a few days of depression still kind of teetering in an dout of it.

I thnk you had a good program going there with the church and such. if it was working just try and get back into the swing of it.

Keeping a program of things that work keeping me happy is really improtant. I might replace an item i might add something new in if i think i can handle it. But i try not to just scrap it all. i gotta keep something going day in and day out.

I also try and keep some daily things like gospel to me. By that i mean i'm really consistent about diet and exercise. I'm also trying to be consistent spending time on spiritual things each day just a few minutes so i can keep my bearings. I get scared of getting knocked off my footing by life and finding myself back into some kind of a pit.

So I'd say if it was working try and get back into it. Or try and do something else just to get some positive vibes etc.. be regular about it too.

zjw

other thing too thats not always mentioned enough is be gentle on yourself be compsionate to yourself. A lot of times we are so hard on ourselves but yet we cut others some slack. We should cut ourselves the same slack we cut others sometimes. no sense in beating yourself up at all either.

Jsbodhi

I'm a victim of my own thoughts too....
Just try not to let them get away from you like a runaway train. Meditation helps me a lot

zjw

Our minds will drag us around by the nose if we allow them too.

Berrybean

Hi Holds - sorry you're feeling the burden of all these thoughts. Anxieties and fear. Anger; rage and resentments. These all play a big part in alcoholism, as well as the underlying restlessness, irritability and discontentment, and a big part of recovery is acquiring new tools to help us deal with these.

Have you investigated or been along to AA at all? My 12-step work alone and with my sponsor; having the opportunity to listen to what others have learned along the way; and the friendships that I have made have really helped with this for me. In fact I think, without those things I could well have driven myself insane.

Also, it sounds like you are part of a church community. Is there someone there who you can talk to? Someone who is involved in spiritual well being of members of the church.

I also have found that prayer usually helps. It is amazing what help comes to fruition once you ask for it. When I have prayed for help with a resentment, or with a fear, or for guidance - I'm not saying I know how - but I usually find that I get what I need some way or another.

Thinking of you and hoping you will find some peace and serenity soon.

Holds1325

Thank you for your words of encouragement,

I need to get back into talking to someone but I feel so ridiculous with my fears and worries. I mean when I tell people I'm severely terrified of being terminally ill they just give me this look like, ugh....really?

I pray every single day sometimes on my knees when I feel like I can't move on.

Everything like counseling and all that seemed like an option for me and it sounded good. However it seems like not only is my mind set against me, but my body as well. I sometimes feel like, if I can just get away from these bodily feelings of sickness, then I can focus on the mind part. Its hard to try and have an upbeat attitude when I feel so tired and nauseated.

I too wish to find hope and peace, and to be able to come out of this dark place soon at least.

I still feel very fearful that I'm going to die from some illness very soon. The fear of death drags me down hard into this dark place.

ScottFromWI

It's a lot more common than you think and talking to someone about it is exactly what you need to do. I have dealt with health anxiety myself so I know exactly what you are going through, so have many others here. I"m not sure if you've been to a therapist or plan on it but I'd highly recommended it.

One thing I can tell you for certain though is that waiting around for it to "go away" doesn't work...you need to be the catalyst for change if you want it to get better.