Jeni26

I was thinking this morning about things I swore I'd never do in recovery, and how by actually making myself do them I've moved into another stronger realm.

As I sat in my first ever AA meeting, with my 'I'm ok really' face plastered on while I felt physically sick and close to crying...I looked at the 12 steps which were hanging on the wall. I ran my eyes over them, and thought...yeah great, I can do them, apart from 5 and 9, no problem. So I began bartering with God straight away...before I'd opened my ears or my mind to possibilities, I'd pretty much got it sussed. I'd go along with it and crack this drinking lark on MY terms. No-one would know after all if I didn't tell the whole story on my step 5, or if I never really made my amends.

Later, I made myself some new rules...never speak in meetings in case I don't sound eloquent enough, or have a little panicky meltdown in the middle, that would look pathetic...never sponsor anyone, because I might get it wrong and completely mess up their life forever...never meet other alkies socially in case I get recognised and outed in my real world...never show emotion or vulnerability or anything that could be used against me....

I was a real mix of fear and arrogance.

Truth is, until I did all those things I wasn't really humble or honest enough to recover. And it wasn't until I relapsed after a few years that I finally turned up at an AA meeting and cried and spoke in front of everyone and admitted I'd really messed up and was lost. And then the healing really started...

IOAA2

Hi and welcome to life.

It’s interesting that your thoughts match so many others who have been there. That’s part of the reason the fellowship works WHEN WE work it, it’s called understanding and compassion.

After I became sick and tired of being sick and tired I started doing many things I didn’t want to and without exception was successful and gained so much by doing them. I’d guess they were my foundation to build sobriety upon for a lot of years. One very important one being “KEEP COMING” even if I didn’t want to.

BE WELL

Fly N Buy

Thanks for the post......... good reminder for all, me included.

Many times I read AA didn't work for me - I did the steps, went to meetings - and drank.

Step work is never completed - it's not getting to the top of the staircase and thinking we are done. The steps might be more appropriately thought of as being on the the face of a clock that is always going around.

Daily action on any particular step is what works for me. So, if I did not do them perfectly initially, I simply keep working until I have achieved a level of humility to do so.

We don't have to drink over it or go crazy - progress, not perfection.....more will indeed be revealed!!!

Thanks again for sharing your ESH!

PurpleKnight

Sometimes we just need to take a leap of faith and dive right in, if like me you'd drank almost to the point of doing some real damage in life, then we have nothing to loose and everything to gain!!

Soberwolf

I think your awesome Jeni

tomsteve

Tc4ever

Great job Jeni. That was and still is the most powerfull tool that I've used. Stepping out of our comfort zone is hard sometimes, but so worth it

EndGameNYC

"I tried AA and I drank, so it's not for me."

"I'm uncomfortable around other people, so I decided I'd do it on my own this time."

"How is talking about my problems going to help?"

"I feel like everyone is judging me, and that's why I drank."

"Going to AA gives me cravings."

"I don't see any need to make amends. There's no use in dredging up the past."

"The person I am when I'm drinking is not really who I am, so what's the point in taking responsibility for my drinking behaviors? People need to get over it."

Honesty is not about telling the truth. It's about taking action in terms of what we know and what we believe. Admitting we have a problem is only the admission ticket to sobriety. Continuing to drink despite knowing that we are hurting ourselves and others by doing so is an act of bad faith.

There are no medals for coming in second place in sobriety.

Music

Great to see you Jen. I know you have what it takes. Stick in there.

EndGameNYC

I want to add that the actions you've taken are exceptional, and are possible for anyone, regardless of the type of plan for recovery one uses. I've heard, read and had similar thoughts to those you acknowledged your first time around in AA. I've rarely known anyone who didn't harbor thoughts around getting sober according to their own rules, a hangover, if you will, from our alcoholic thinking.

One of the problems with getting sober on my terms is that there is no proven record for success, though I've had many failures. If I want to learn to fly, I don't do it on my own. Many people spend more time researching the purchase of a new car than they do in giving consideration to major personal decisions in life, even life-saving decisions. It only makes sense that we're more prone to such thinking when we're drinking.

Denial is considered to be a hallmark of alcoholism, as well as for many other conditions, such as loveless and abusive relationships, all types of psychiatric symptoms and syndromes, and normal unpleasant or unwanted experiences in life. In the end, I believe that resistance to change is often the more formidable executioner.

I'm very happy for you that you found the courage and the strength to get yourself to a better place. I'm certain that everyone could benefit from reading your comments.

Gottalife

Gosh Jen,

you could be describing my first AA meetings and my take on the steps. 5 and 9 were definitely out. Especially 5. I had spent my entire life avoiding looking at the whole picture, and I really believed if they found out what I was really like, I would be kicked out of AA.

So what happened. Well, 1, I knew I was beaten, 2 I had come to believe that the power that helped those people in AA could possibly help me too. 3, I decided to give my all to AA and had caught onto the idea that this God thing was important and I got some advice on how to pray.

4, A couple of days after starting with prayer (very amatuerish), I woke up in the morning felt a strong need to tackle the inventory so 5, I went to my sponsor and asked him to help me. A day later I had admitted to God and another human being the whole sorry story, and found out I was pretty ordinary by AA standards. 6After that I rread the fifth step promises, and they described exactly how I felt. ,7,This filled me with confidence that I was on the right track, and 8,9 before I knew it I was through most of my amends and really experiencing the healing power of God and AA.

10, ah, this is something I found incredibly helpful from day one. Cleaning up any new mistakes as I went along. This saved me from creating a whole new mess post sobriety and kept the decks clear to work on the program. 11 i got better at talking to God, though I did make some mistakes, big ones, but I had a solution in the steps.
12 My life changed for ever, and I became happy to carry that message whenever God puts an opportunity in my path.

But I started with the point blank refusal to do steps 5 and 9.