davaidavai

Well, the constant undercurrent of anger and frustration boiled over into a pretty solid binge yesterday. 4 liquor drinks maybe 6 pints. Enough to have me retching in the toilet. I recall weird conversations with people. I guess that was nice. I just got so lonely and had no place to go.

I guess ecstatic anger isn't the way to go, will have to try something else. I'm going to go down to the zen center and give it a shot, also have to work in something physical.

I just needed an escape yesterday, was walking around, muttering to myself with anger. Very clear cut self medication. I decided to dose myself.

Anyhow, I want to love others. I need to love others and be kind, but I'm afraid of this, afraid of people bulldozing me with their agendas, lonely, afraid, trapped-feeling. I don't really believe in counting days, and no longer feel like something is lost when this happens, like sober time is bankable. I'm not sure what the utility of this post is. I hope you are all well and that you will be well.

ScottFromWI

Glad you are here and trying. Before you can love others i'd argue you've got to be willing to love yourself and take care of yourself by quitting. No one's agenda is important but yours...set a good one and follow it.

Soberwolf

I'm glad your here too bud

trachemys

davai, love us. We'll love you back.

Dee74

I'm sorry you drank davai, but glad you're back

I think reading this link would be a good exercise for you - it's all about making an action recovery plan, based on what you see as your needs - so no bulldozing

https://store.samhsa.gov/shin/conten...0/SMA-3720.pdf

D

Tooshabby

I second that, trach, and no agendas other than the pure pleasure of giving and receiving love :-)

dru1085

gotta start somewhere... im right there with ya mate, I just gave up drinking as well .. lets be sober this month of October eh?

Keep ur head up

Dru

davaidavai

When I read all of your loving posts to each other, with the group hugs, honestly, no offense, I feel like you are patronizing each other. I don't trust it. I'm a suspicious individual. I know it might be wrong.

I deeply relate to scrooge. Here's a guy, all he ever had is his self. And then Fred comes over and is like, why don't you come to the party, and maybe scrooge doesn't really feel invited inside. Oh sure, here is the invitation, but why would they really actually want him there?

Tooshabby

I definitely feel vulnerable when reaching out to others, but it is overridden by the desire to love and be loved. The more I expose myself to that fear, the easier it becomes, and the more fulfilling my life is. I think that's because we were born to love and be loved; our purpose, if you like. Just my opinion, of course. But I can relate to how you feel, absolutely.

Dee74

I felt that way too - learning to let go of the mistrust was terrifying, but it worked out for me.

In a sense although I was more 'closed off' when I was drinking I still felt hurts very deeply...I often acted disproportionately to the actual event or slight.

I'm still naturally cautious with people but not closed off.
I have a greater sense of personal boundaries too.

I understand now that there's a risk I may be hurt making new relationships, but recovery has been all about dealing with feelings sober for me...

I've been hurt since I've gotten sober and I've reacted appropriately to the hurt inflicted, and I've survived.

As for this thread, there's nothing disingenious or false in my posting here.

I hope my sharing some of my stuff, even if you don't find it relevant, might convince you I'm not patronising.

I really think that link I posted before can help you, and I really think that an increased prescence here - more reading, more posting - can help you too, davai davai

D

sleepie

Davai, don't quite know what to say, but I hope you find what you're looking for.
I want to be more supportive, but I'm ill tonight. I wish it were as simple as "Just don't drink", we know it's not. Although I think drinking may further bar you from fulfillment.

Frank14

I deeply relate to scrooge. Here's a guy, all he ever had is his self. And then Fred comes over and is like, why don't you come to the party, and maybe scrooge doesn't really feel invited inside. Oh sure, here is the invitation, but why would they really actually want him there?[/QUOTE]

No, you're totally off base on Scrooge. He had everything: a great career, wonderful boss, and a beautiful, loving wife. HE chose to push everyone away. It was his choice. Also remember he chose to change and finally got redemption in the end. He only got this by being vulnerable and letting people in. Don't be the bad Scrooge. It's not a lot of fun.

We're here for you! (I'll forego the group hug stuff...)

fantail

Davai, I think people are sincere here. If nothing else because it's a sort of echo chamber. I don't know you, so in some ways I'm talking to myself when I say, be well. Stay safe. And the place you're speaking from, I can feel it in my ribs. I would guess most of us can. You've got that really jagged loneliness and despair coming through. I can see the color and hear the sound. It scares me how recently I was there. It's impossible to be anything other than dead serious when I say I really hope that we can help.

Kallistia

There is no patronizing. I got a smidgen of time under my belt and returned to this forum to keep my strength. I will not patronize those that I so heavily rely on for my own strength - and just as this board and the people here are helping me keep my strength and resolve, giving me a hand to grab should I need it, I whole-heartedly return the favor and lend my support and good will to those who may need a boost to their own strength and a hand to hold on to. We are all here because we are all fighting the same battle and that breeds a deep understanding. It may seem patronizing, but for me, it's genuinely a deep understanding of knowing what exactly it feels like...I have walked two moons in those moccasins, and info have not done so for that exact scenario, I know that hurdle will come my way as well.

I'm truly sorry that you feel so angry and fristrated, that you feel alone, but if you need that boost and motivation, that support, it is here - I believe in you, truly.

Cow

DD, you know some of us here is total cynic curmudgeons and not positive cheerleader type at all. I use to roll eye and think is all just platitudes. ...Okay sometime I still think that. But, you know, now at least I also try to think, hey, somebody has take their time to offer you support and encouragements, maybe you can just try to accept that.

courage2

Do you know, it doesn't actually matter whether we're all patronising each other, or honestly care about one another and you, or we're working out our own brands of insanity that just intersect here now.

All that matters is your choice of interpretations. If you choose to decide that now is the time to open yourself up to the possibility of help, and act accordingly, you'll begin to get better.

I don't expect any of us here are non-suspicious types. Suspicion lives in fear and sobriety is scary. At some point -- different for each individual, and not everyone unfortunately ever reaches it -- you take actions to recover from your addiction in spite of your fears.

I hope you're at that point now.

PurpleKnight

It takes a bit of time I think to get comfortable with being open and vulnerable with others,

I am definitely not a touchy feely person by nature, but the more I've got to know the good folks here on SR, and made a few connections with many regulars, Ive began to really care about people!!

trachemys

davai, if they were like my people, the people in your drinking life used each other all the time to keep their buzz on. Anything, use anyone, was all fair game to satisfy the addiction.

This is not that. These are not those people.

Cow

Yeah ...just does no give the turtle you PIN number. BIG MISTAKE! I mean, how much can one turtle spends on worms!!

trachemys

Do I love you, cow?