heather59901

My significant other and I have 2 children together (20 months and 8 months). I have 3 teenagers from a previous marriage, which my SO seems to love very much and treat as his own. He also has a teenage son from a previous relationship. My SO grew up with parents that he says did not pay much attention to him and he says he never really felt loved. He found out when he was 15 that he was actually adopted and that has always had a profound effect on him. His adoptive parents are no longer in his life (his mother passed and his adoptive father no longer speaks to him). My SO has said that for years all he has wanted is a family. He has one! He has me and all of our children! He says this is what he wants but just will not give up his drinking. He knows he has a problem. He just came back about 7 weeks ago from a 2 1/2 month stint in rehab. He did ok for the first 2 or so weeks after he got back but has slowly gotten back to drinking everyday. I have told him I will not go back to the life we had before rehab. Before rehab, he rarely cam home on weekends. He was drunk everyday by the time he got home from work. He would go directly to the bar after work and his paycheck would be gone by Sunday morning. That's right, he contributed nothing to our family financially. It's a good thing I have a great job or we never would have made it. He never helped out with the kids because anytime he was home, he would shut himself in our bedroom. It wasn't this bad for quite a few years, which is probably why we ended up with 2 children together. He seemed so determined to stop drinking and be a productive member of our family when he went to rehab. Now, he is drinking again (although a relatively small amount compared to what it used to be). And he does help out around the house, with the kids and financially now. But I don't see any of those lasting as long as he is drinking even a little (because it will probably become a lot before long). I don't understand why in his sober mind, he acknowledged he wants family and yet he is ruining it!

ScottFromWI

Alcohilism is a very selfish affliction heather. At some point you need to focus on helping yourself and children first and setting boundaries. You cannot make your husband stop, he will have to want it for himself.

Have you ever considered al-anon? Or tried the friends and family forum here? Both are great places to meet others in the same situation and find support.

IOAA2

Hi.

Excellent suggestions. No one can get anyone sober or drunk except the person themselves.
The above suggestions are to help the people around the alcoholic gather their sanity and start living in peace. You may not like all you hear but try to remember these people are experienced in what you’re trying to dealing with.

BE WELL

tomsteve

along with selfish, i can still be amazed at my insane actions and delusional thinking when i was drinking.

he said he wanted a family and now has one.
here is what id be thinking in his shoes:
" guess i didnt get thorough in explaining exactly what having a family involved, but this is it. hope ye didnt have expectations of it being different."

alcoholism is realy screwed up. i also suggest alanon a d the f&f forum here. theres a whole lot of experience a d wisdom over in the f&f forum.

zjw

I get his kind of thinking. from one point of view I have a really great life but from another its the pits. I sat around while drinking and in early sobriety focused on all that was wrong wht my life totally blind to all that was right about my life. I mean sure i saw the good stuff but it wasnt enough to remove the sting from all the bad.

what helped me was to little by little focus on the good things each day as best i could whatever they might be each day. I have to continue to do this sort of thing. and to be greatful for what i do have etc..

I can recall thinking simlier things too i had a crap family growing up theres nothing even left of that family its been broken up and members scattered. I recall thinking the same things I wish i had a good family rararara when under my own roof I have a great one right here. I guess my issue was i can tend to be stuck in the past rather then seeing whats right here in front of me. Yeah I wont ever have a good childhood family but i can make my current one the best it can be etc..

happybeingme

Many of us have a great family, nice things, etc. It is not enough. For many of us there is a hole in our souls and we drink to fill it. It isn't until we have had enough, where the thought of continuing is more frightening than quitting are we able to quit. And that is just the beginning

heather59901

TomSteve--Just out of curiosity, how long into sobriety did it take to recognize that your alcoholic thinking was insane and delusional? I think I was kind of expecting him to have that revelation by the time he got back from rehab and he didn't. Not only did he not seem to recognize that, but he was still missing that remorse that I thought would come with sobriety. He has put me and our family through hell and still did not seem to take responsibility for that after rehab. Is that likely because it takes a long time into sobriety for those things to come? Or because maybe he didn't intend to be sober in the first place so he wasn't really in recovery?

zjw

it probably took me 8 months into sobriety to realize i didnt have it so bad and to have that thought start to sink in. I did not make ammends with my wife till 3 years in. mainly becuase it was just so painful for me but I realized what I had done about a year in.

I think it took me so long because i spent so much time just trying to hold myself together all those months. I had a lot of S$$$ to work out in my head i was a mess mentally.

He probably did intend to be sober. but recovery is a process a journey its not some destination you get too per say not anytime fast anyhow.

zjw

weather he likes it or not he has to put forth the effort day in and day out. it does not have to be AA or something but it has to be something. each day making better choices etc.. reading up on it self improvement stuff dietary changes going for walks whatever it takes talking to others posting at a plce like this etc..

ScottFromWI

Everyone is different Heather. Some people are able to accept their addiction and move forward into recovery quickly, without even going to rehab. Others take longer and go through the cycle of sober/drinking for years. And unfortunately there are some who never accept it and live their entire lives as active addicts.

That's why it's so critical for you to seek help for yourself during these times. You cannot, and will never be able to, force or make him get better. Even interventions and rehab are not successful if the individual is not ready to accept their fate and make their own efforts to get better.

I was your husband for part of my life and I can honestly tell you that I did not WANT to treat my family in the way that I was, and I wasn't doing it purposefully....but i was doing it against all common sense and better judgement. Luckily I was able to "see the light" and seek help before it was too late. I hope your husband can do the same, but please prepare yourself for the possibility that he wont.

Kallistia

Unfortunately it just isn't that simple.

Alcoholism is mutli-fold - you have the addiction, you have the cravings, and then you have the obsession and the obsession was my personal hardest hurdle. I can ignore a craving, I've cleaned up off of so many things in my life that I know a craving is something to push through until it goes away.

The obsession is this sick, driving, need, this voice so loud that it drowns out every other thing. Even if the alcoholic doesn't want the alcohol, doesn't need the alcohol, is still sick and recovering from the alcohol that obsession will put the keys in the ignition or turn the steering wheel in the direction of the store instead of the direction of the home. It's like a siren screaming "you have to have it! You have to have it! You don't have enough!" It'll pull a person off of their couch three minutes before the store closes so they can speed there hoping they can make it in time.

From my own personal hell after two years of starts and stops and starts and stops of trying to achieve sobriety after so many years drunk I gave in, I just gave up and succumbed to the alcohol and decided it could do what it may and was willing to just let the alcohol take everything from me because I had decided I was not strong enough to defeat it. I'd lay in bed at night and cry trying to convince myself that I just needed to give up custody of my son so he didn't have to live in my hell. That's how bad it was.

It's not something that can be understood. I don't even understand it and I lived it for years. A sober mind easily thinks "just stop!" But an alcoholic mind, even a sober alcoholic mind, cannot rationalize that it is just that easy. It's easy for an alcoholic to say "well you know how I am" when questioned on their drinking, it's not as easy for them to accept that "how I am" is not an acceptable excuse.

tomsteve

id have to say when i was doing the 4th step.about 3 months into recovery. although i did the first step, looked at the 2nd and saw how i was rather insane, then turned it over, when i put pen to paper with resentments, fear, and sex conduct in the 4th step-when it was right there jn black and white for me to read.......
holy crap!!!!! i was friggin bonkers before i even took my first drink!!!!

ok,ill add some opinions of what im reading:
one thing is the expectations ya had.
i get all jacked up when i have expectations. theres a part of a story in the bb that has helped with them. the storys titled, acceptance was the answer:"
Perhaps the best thing of all for me is to remember
that my serenity is inversely proportional to my expec-
tations. The higher my expectations of Max and other
people are, the lower is my serenity. I can watch my
serenity level rise when I discard my expectations.
But then my “rights” try to move in, and they too can
force my serenity level down. I have to discard my
“rights,” as well as my expectations, by asking myself,
How important is it, really? How important is it com-
pared to my serenity, my emotional sobriety? And
when I place more value on my serenity and sobriety
than on anything else, I can maintain them at a higher
level—at least for the time being.
Acceptance is the key to my relationship with God
today. I never just sit and do nothing while waiting
for Him to tell me what to do. Rather, I do whatever
is in front of me to be done, and I leave the results up
to Him; however it turns out, that’s God’s will for me.
I must keep my magic magnifying mind on my ac-
ceptance and off my expectations, for my serenity is
directly proportional to my level of acceptance. When
I remember this, I can see I’ve never had it so good.

what im reading of hubbys actions,imo, is untreated alcoholism. a dry drunk.there were times in my past i stopped drinking because sons' mom was on my arse( heres an example of insanity from that relationship-
my son was about 6and we had had our final breakup. i was choosing alcohol over seeing my son. his mom came over to talk to me about it. first civilized conversation we had! she was talking about our son missin me and how alcohol was really gettin in the way. i was agreeing with everything she wassaying, then said,"hey, i gotta go to the store for a 12 pack. ill be right back. need anything?" i can see the insanity not that im sober and looked in my own mirror), boss was gettin on me,etc.
but until i truly and honestly wanted to get sober and change who i was the attempt to stop drinking was short lived, the disease progressed, my mental state got worse, and people walked away from me, which i can honestly say that was very wise on their part. i was only going to do my damdest to drag them down with me.

mentioning the lack of remorse, not seeing the delusional and insane thinking,the denial im thinkin there was no thought of getting sober for himself. it reads somewhat like it was done to please you and say,"phew! she'll be off my back for a while!"
i could be wrong,tho.

NOW, The important part of the equation-
you and your children.
ya gotta think about taking care of you and your youngens.
and the f&f forum here.......lots of wisdom and advise from people that have been in your shoes.

Reset

What were the circumstances of him going to rehab last time? What I'm getting at is whether it was something he prompted or something others encouraged/forced him to do.

heather59901

He went to rehab maybe because he was kind of pushed into it. Before he left, he said he didn't want to keep drinking, etc. However, he had moved out 2 months before to live with one of his friends. However, he ended up burning his bridge there when he stole and then drank his friend's wife's gallon of vodka. He came back home for the last week he was here before going to rehab. But I had made it clear that he could only stay here if he was going to leave fore rehab. I think a big part of him going was that he really had no where else to go, unfortunately.

NoJimmy

Very good advice. I could share much about why he might not feel he deserves good things and success in his life. Or why he continues to sabotage those things to continue drinking. I think it's more important for you to focus on what you can control. That is setting healthy boundaries, caring for yourself and those kids who rely on you. His decision to get and remain sober is not in your control, nor is it your responsibility.
Al anon and the "Family and Friends" section of this site would be good resources for your side of this situation.

There is a saying I heard recently I really like regarding relationships; "I'll take care of me for you, and you take care you for me".

PurpleKnight

There is a part of alcohol that is a real addiction, good intentions can go out the window sometimes, and a person needs to take some real proactive action to make Sobriety happen!!

It can be a very frustrating and lonely place looking in on someone else's drinking so the important thing is to get some support for yourself, SR is a great place as is Al-anon for face to face support!!

Reset

Yeah that's too bad. I'm no expert but I was wondering if the rehab was his idea or not, because for someone to start drinking that soon out of rehab could be a pretty good indicator that they're really not all that invested in sobriety.

Like my doctor told me, "you have to really want to stop drinking" if you're going to be successful at it.

Wish I knew what to tell you. But it sounds like you have to do what's in the best interest of the kids and yourself until he decides that he's ready to turn things around. Do you think Al-Anon could help?

Jsbodhi

Its taken me almost a year of relapses to work seriously on being sober
Its a tough one xo