fini

sleepie,

can you let go of the self-criticism for just a few minutes for a breather????

you did some chores. you ran some errands. you did some cooking.

these are 'normal-life' things that you've accomplished today while being at 12 weeks sobriety and newly benzo-free.

this is amazing! you are doing it. doing it and keeping going.

wow!

sleepie

Maybe.
I am just scared because I never felt this bad before.
Where is 2ndhandRose?
What did you do today fini?

davaidavai

I always forget about music. I'm not a huge foo fighters fan, but I just discovered this song and listened to it a bunch walking around downtown. And then some gregorian chanting. I also like hard jazz like Coltrane. The improvised emotional chaos of the music harmonizes with the chaos inside. I think it's the best music for mental sickness.

Feeling shi**ty today, got this cold, third time getting sick this summer, blood pressure sensation in my head, hip hurts. My flatmate went to Puerto Rico for a week and decided not to tell me that her 15 year old daughter would be staying here. So, I had it out with her over the email, and she was like, but you said I could have overnight guests...yeah, not unsupervised children, sorry. Typical entitlement issues, should have recognized it. She didn't tell me she had kids and gradually one of them started to live here and even then I didn't have a problem. Never discussed it with me at all.

Delfin

Hey, there you are, sleepie! Funny that Mags mentioned doldrums and I was just saying the same thing. I love fall, too. It's just the transition to shorter, darker days that's hard. And the thought of winter. Shudder!

You missed Silentrun being hilarious at another thread. Heeheehee. I was in stitches and I needed that laugh.

So you're totally benzo-free now? That's pretty awesome but no wonder you feel like shite! Just going off Zoloft felt like getting hit by a bus and having the flu at the same time.

I'm a little rambly. Just tired from work but too amped up to sleep. Hate that.

Delfin

sleepie

What thread Deflin?

trachemys

sleepie! There you are, over there in that other thread, trying to help another...why do you doubt yourself? You are so strong.

Delfin

Oops, I think we're not supposed to talk about locked threads over at Newcomers about three or four down from the top. I'm not talking about it! ;-)

Delfin

sleepie

Ohhh...
Well Trach, gotta do somethin'...

trachemys

Why don't you change your avatar? There has to be a better cartoon for your new success. I want to see a better you.

sleepie

OMG silentrun... lol please behave I do NOT wanna see you get in trouble, you would be so missed!

sleepie

Trach there has been change over time!
At first she had her head down, black and white. Then up, black and white... then in color, thumb nosing!

dru1085

Hey Sleepie

Grats on your tapering , you seem like you are really strong to be staying sober with a lot on your plate , its inspiring. I am 10 days sober from alchohol and my days have been TONS better. I can sleep better and I love waking up warm and not sweating. I love cooking too so Ive been just experimenting in the kitchen. I was pissed though I was sleeping and had a dream about drinking and I woke up thinking I relapsed... my dreams are still really vivid that's the only thing that worries me...

Cheers

Dru -

Olive1

Hey Sleepie!
I hate the sun and blue sky and summer too! You know that thing people always complain about in February and March....seasonal affective disorder? Well I get that starting towards the middle of August. Can't wait for summer to be done.
And then we get a glimpse of fall, and bam! 75 degrees today. And its almost October!

Anyway, just wanted to stop by and say hey...you are doing great.
It gets better. This I promise.

fini

today i took my dog for a walk on the trail (it was a gorgeous crisp fall day) in the morning, after some computer stuff, and then spent a couple of hours with the son of a neighbour of mine. he is 37, paranoid schizophrenic, and now in pain from a hip which got broken last december and hasn't healed properly.
his mom gets some respite $ from the government here, and he loves going to Starbucks with me.
so that's what we do for a couple of hours. have a coffee. and his mom gets a break while i make a bit of $. it's very stressful since he doesn't respond to logic or reasoning much, and has irrational fears. "i walked past those plants! is that gonna ruin the coffee in my stomach??" and he will ask that ten times.
after that, i met his mom at the pool so she could take him swimming.
then i bought some groceries, and a broom, and got a book at the library ( the latest Louise Penny mystery. i have gotten addicted to her superficially-facile-seeming novels).
then i came home and did my back stretches to counteract the chronic pain issues by trying to keep things in balance, and then i steamed some cauliflower and after it cooled i dipped it in hummus.
now i've been dealing with family emails (my mom is in a care home (dementia) and we need to do work-arounds with my dad to get past his stubbornnesses as far as getting things like a better wheelchair, podiatrist care and such...sigh...) and now i'm here on SR.

in a few minutes, i'll do some dishes, make a cup of Rooibos tea and sit on the couch reading more in "the tale of genji" so that i can finish it and get to the Louise Penny mystery in a day or two.

oh! and someone had told me of adult colouring books a couple of weeks ago, and it sounded ridiculous!!! so i got one! and pencil crayons, too!
fantastic stress-relief!
can't recommend it highly enough.
requires attention without overwhelm.
closest to meditation i ever get!

sleepie

Fini what a full day! Nice of you to have coffee with that guy. I am sorry to hear of the dementia
Adult coloring books are getting to be a real pastime- I saw a bunch at a craft supply store the other day, I have an acquaintance who went to a get together and color thing too. The books look fun, there was one of mandalas.

Olive, yes!!! Autumn

davaidavai

I like the in between seasons too, and winter. Summer is the hardest for me, in NYC. I get hives and the hives turn to eczema.

As I was listening to that foo fighters song, walking around, I felt the sudden, occasionally re occurring epiphany of how hard I am on myself, how I am crushing the child inside myself. We all cling to our fears to survive, and the worse things get, the more our fears are validated and become real. I'm such a believer in intellect, but I think these happy people around me are living more on the basis of a dream. Maybe our problem is that we lost faith in our dreams, and you simply can't live sane in this place without one.

What are some of your old dreams? Anyone? When I was a kid, I wanted to be a baseball player; and then when I was in my early 20s I simply wanted to be far away from the Pacific Northwest, where I grew up. I've always wanted to create something beautiful in and of itself irregardless of what others think.

sleepie

Never had a dream.
Was too occupied by the chaos of my abusive environment.
in adulthood learned I have LD so dreams are not for me.

Tooshabby

Good question - I was laughing about this with someone the other day. When I was really little, like about 6 or 7, I used to dream about being the fastest (girl) runner in the world. I know, right? Funny and sad at the same time. When I got a bit older, I wanted to be a brilliant piano player, but unfortunately I was just average. I think after that point it just veered into dreaming about being happy and unafraid. I've made quite a bit of headway with that, even if today isn't such a great day :-)

sleepie

I can't help but think of Pee Wee's Big Adventure... asked if he has any dreams- "I'm all alone. I'm rolling a big doughnut and this snake wearing a vest..."

Delfin

I don't think dreams aren't for you cause you have an LD, sleepie!

Wanna hear something awesome? I work at a college and sometimes tutor the students who visit my area. Today I was tutoring a deaf student and after about an hour I asked him if he understood everything I explained. He said (through his interpreter), "yeah, I get it". I told him that was great cause it took me about 20 years to understand what he got in one hour. He said to me, "it's cause I'm a great listener". Love that kid's sense of humor!

My dream as a kid was to do everything Jacques Cousteau did. I'm kinda scared of the ocean so I'm not sure I'll be doing deep sea dives soon, but it was nice to dream I could do it.

Delfin