At the lunar ecipse
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
At the lunar ecipse
I jumped off the cliff, I'd had my first day off of benzos.
I am afraid of what will happen now.
I am having very morbid thoughts of how I will be dead of alcohol related damage next year or soon. I am not hopeful. I am sick at the thought of it but going in for yet another damn Dr appointment... or another round of bad, probably worse, news.
I am afraid of what will happen now.
I am having very morbid thoughts of how I will be dead of alcohol related damage next year or soon. I am not hopeful. I am sick at the thought of it but going in for yet another damn Dr appointment... or another round of bad, probably worse, news.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
Maybe the discomfort is temporary, but the alcoholic consequences will be permanent. And then death.
Huh, I typo'd "eclipse". Nice.
I have zero ability to think, plan or do much besides lay in bed and wonder how and when death will happen, and regret never achieving fulfillment of the trifling little desires my limited self once wanted.
Huh, I typo'd "eclipse". Nice.
I have zero ability to think, plan or do much besides lay in bed and wonder how and when death will happen, and regret never achieving fulfillment of the trifling little desires my limited self once wanted.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Based on what I drank and for how long, if I sustained the amount of damage I deserved, I might not be here now.
I'm alive and feeling good tho. I have faith that you'll be ok too Sleepie - hang in there
D
I'm alive and feeling good tho. I have faith that you'll be ok too Sleepie - hang in there
D
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: North Texas
Posts: 183
Live everyday like its your last. We're all going to die sooner or later it's a matter of time. But its how you choose to live while your still here one day at a time. You'll be okay Sleepie. 
Cheers
Dru -
Cheers
Dru -
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
It must be late where you are (or early). Things have a way of looking especially bad in the twilight hours. even for born again optimists like me
I hope you'll receive far better news than you fear you will Sleepie.
D
I hope you'll receive far better news than you fear you will Sleepie.
D
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
Sleepie,
I have been thinking about you, and glad to see you post even if its to say how bad things are at the moment.
I do not know if you have been following Dee's fear thread, but its interesting to see how similar all our fears are, and how completely debilitating anxiety and fear can be.
I have been there, but without the benzo complication and it was awful, so I cannot even imagine what you are going through.
I am big on trying to focus on what I can do something about, and the state of my flesh based on past acts ain't one of them, and it is what it is. But what I can do is try to treat it better going forward like you are with your cleanse.
We are all there for you, and wish I could rub your head like my mom did to make it better, but in the meantime sending those thoughts your way.
Hold tight.
I have been thinking about you, and glad to see you post even if its to say how bad things are at the moment.
I do not know if you have been following Dee's fear thread, but its interesting to see how similar all our fears are, and how completely debilitating anxiety and fear can be.
I have been there, but without the benzo complication and it was awful, so I cannot even imagine what you are going through.
I am big on trying to focus on what I can do something about, and the state of my flesh based on past acts ain't one of them, and it is what it is. But what I can do is try to treat it better going forward like you are with your cleanse.
We are all there for you, and wish I could rub your head like my mom did to make it better, but in the meantime sending those thoughts your way.
Hold tight.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Margate, UK
Posts: 549
The body has a remarkable ability to heal...I think you'll get better news than you expect
You've done it! You're off benzos and booze - I wish you could see what we see in you, Sleepie. Try thinking positively x
You've done it! You're off benzos and booze - I wish you could see what we see in you, Sleepie. Try thinking positively x
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,360
Hugs sleepie. The odds are you will make a full recovery given enough time clean. From what I have read it is lack of proper nutrition that causes the bad stuff. I should have given up long ago. Right now I am in bonus round 3.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
somethings have to be done with so that new things can begin.
I was pretty worried about my health when i sobered up. i was still smoking and i smoked over 2 packs a day for so many years and the amt of booze i drank topped with whatever pills to keep me asleep each night it would not have surprised me if i got diagnosed with something terrible and it still wouldnt surprise me either even tho i lost weight quit and such.
But I'm not as worried about it now as i was then. Why? because I've done what i can to increase my odds. if it aint good enough of friggen well i cant say i didnt try ya know.
But theoreticaly speaking I'm not even suppost to be here today. I dodged so many bullets its amazing i even woke up so many mornings.
I remember a lady i worked with woke up one morning next to a cold dead husbdand. I always figured something like that would go down for me. i'd go to bed after a heavy night of drinking and such and my wife would just wake up next to my carcuss.
I guess the point is i worried but i dont really worry about any of that anymore. just taking the positive steps each day eventaully worry in those areas subsides.
I was pretty worried about my health when i sobered up. i was still smoking and i smoked over 2 packs a day for so many years and the amt of booze i drank topped with whatever pills to keep me asleep each night it would not have surprised me if i got diagnosed with something terrible and it still wouldnt surprise me either even tho i lost weight quit and such.
But I'm not as worried about it now as i was then. Why? because I've done what i can to increase my odds. if it aint good enough of friggen well i cant say i didnt try ya know.
But theoreticaly speaking I'm not even suppost to be here today. I dodged so many bullets its amazing i even woke up so many mornings.
I remember a lady i worked with woke up one morning next to a cold dead husbdand. I always figured something like that would go down for me. i'd go to bed after a heavy night of drinking and such and my wife would just wake up next to my carcuss.
I guess the point is i worried but i dont really worry about any of that anymore. just taking the positive steps each day eventaully worry in those areas subsides.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
Exhausted.
Had to take care of some things after sleeping 5 hours. Five hours should be enough yet it doesn't feel like it. I am always tired. Also disgusting even though I showered yesterday. Too tired to do all the chores or cook.
Had to take care of some things after sleeping 5 hours. Five hours should be enough yet it doesn't feel like it. I am always tired. Also disgusting even though I showered yesterday. Too tired to do all the chores or cook.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 464
I know how you feel, lately everything seems like it sucks,
This week I can hardly eat anything without wanting to throw it up and am losing weight super fast. I have headaches almost everyday.
The fatigue, yeah its horrible, Just wanting to sleep alll day. Trying to go to bed at night is worse, its like yeah I can fall asleep but I wake up nauseated with a ton of fear about death, sickness etc.
here I am at work definitely not wanting to be here,
Trying to understand the benefits of quitting here,
its like when I was sick, but drinking, i didn't care i kept drinking and I healed up. Now I get sick and its relentless and all i can think about is dying a terrible death,
Its a dark place were in
This week I can hardly eat anything without wanting to throw it up and am losing weight super fast. I have headaches almost everyday.
The fatigue, yeah its horrible, Just wanting to sleep alll day. Trying to go to bed at night is worse, its like yeah I can fall asleep but I wake up nauseated with a ton of fear about death, sickness etc.
here I am at work definitely not wanting to be here,
Trying to understand the benefits of quitting here,
its like when I was sick, but drinking, i didn't care i kept drinking and I healed up. Now I get sick and its relentless and all i can think about is dying a terrible death,
Its a dark place were in
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: illinois
Posts: 907
Sleepie, I went through a benzos withdrawal once and I know several people who have. One of the reasons its so bad is that it makes EVERYTHING look terrible and feelings of doom are ever-present. The key is to keep reminding yourself that these feelings are coming from the withdrawal. -you have them, you feel them, but they are a distortion that is chemically based. One day (very soon, hopefully) you will wake up and wonder why you feel ok all of the sudden. You will be free!
Hang tight. Eat well. Take a vitamin. Rest when able. Staying clean is your number one priority. Falling back will just delay the peace that you deserve.
You do deserve it.
Hang tight. Eat well. Take a vitamin. Rest when able. Staying clean is your number one priority. Falling back will just delay the peace that you deserve.
You do deserve it.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Bellingham
Posts: 513
Congratulations Sleepie! I also feel a sense of impending doom, feel unwell all the time, as if the blood builds up and won't escape my head. When I take deep breaths I feel pins and needles in my right side. My right hip will need to be replaced eventually. I've been sick 3 times this summer and live sort of a moribund day to day existence. I'm an internet addict. I have sex on a Vulcan schedule. This too shall pass however. Nothing is assured, and the only way out is through. Your only responsibility is to keep going in the right direction. Let's see what happens.
I think mingling at mtns would help you so much
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Bellingham
Posts: 513
It helps to listen to music, loud.
This song reminded me of you:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8J5PYzkzDQI
This song reminded me of you:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8J5PYzkzDQI
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