Rough day
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
Rough day
Hi fellow sobers.
I'm always bothering you.
Today I feel close to drinking.
I have to deal with some things and health issues and my boyfriend as usual is distant and has no clue how to be emotionally supportive. It's female issues and I think I am being physically affected by being in near vicinity with yet another male who is emotionally withholding.
This just underscores the tone of loneliness and solitude and the fact that I have been on my own since a very young age, since I was born actually, into an abusive family.
I have never felt cared for. I have never been worth the effort to anyone and it's a heart breaking way to live. It crushes a person. I have been rejected by life in so many ways. I want to just throw in the towel, go find my favorite drink buddy, an old instructor who is ill with a degenerative CNS condition and enjoy myself. He's an old veteran. He's one of the only people I really like right now. Hes the only person I have ever believed when he says I am beautiful.
I'm always bothering you.
Today I feel close to drinking.
I have to deal with some things and health issues and my boyfriend as usual is distant and has no clue how to be emotionally supportive. It's female issues and I think I am being physically affected by being in near vicinity with yet another male who is emotionally withholding.
This just underscores the tone of loneliness and solitude and the fact that I have been on my own since a very young age, since I was born actually, into an abusive family.
I have never felt cared for. I have never been worth the effort to anyone and it's a heart breaking way to live. It crushes a person. I have been rejected by life in so many ways. I want to just throw in the towel, go find my favorite drink buddy, an old instructor who is ill with a degenerative CNS condition and enjoy myself. He's an old veteran. He's one of the only people I really like right now. Hes the only person I have ever believed when he says I am beautiful.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
Sleepie,
Lets hope that AO is right and that its all in the stars and planets and things will look up on Monday. But in the meantime, hold tight, you are worth the effort to us, to me. I do know how you feel -- if I could just feel the same way about myself than I do about you and others on the site, I would be doing great. But its hard, so hard, to make such a fundamental change, even with the help of the universe.
The one thing that I have finally accepted for myself is that if I drink I really am back to square one. I don't believe in all this starting over with dates and such, one slip does not erase years of sobriety and the lessons we learn etc etc, but physically, for me and many of us, its back to the drawing board. This helps me because I tell myself I just don't want to have to stop again, too much pain. And I know that I will have to stop again so whats the point.
I have a game I play with myself. My goal in life is peace of mind, which drinking and others things destroy. So I give myself peace points when I do something that will enhance my piece of mind, demerits when I do things like procrastinate that destroy it, and have to break the peace bank if I drink because there is no peace for me if I drink. And I am afraid I don't have the strength to build a new bank.
But I hear you, why can't it all be easier. Any chance you could go see your friend for a coffee ... beautiful is something to be cherished, as are you.
Lets hope that AO is right and that its all in the stars and planets and things will look up on Monday. But in the meantime, hold tight, you are worth the effort to us, to me. I do know how you feel -- if I could just feel the same way about myself than I do about you and others on the site, I would be doing great. But its hard, so hard, to make such a fundamental change, even with the help of the universe.
The one thing that I have finally accepted for myself is that if I drink I really am back to square one. I don't believe in all this starting over with dates and such, one slip does not erase years of sobriety and the lessons we learn etc etc, but physically, for me and many of us, its back to the drawing board. This helps me because I tell myself I just don't want to have to stop again, too much pain. And I know that I will have to stop again so whats the point.
I have a game I play with myself. My goal in life is peace of mind, which drinking and others things destroy. So I give myself peace points when I do something that will enhance my piece of mind, demerits when I do things like procrastinate that destroy it, and have to break the peace bank if I drink because there is no peace for me if I drink. And I am afraid I don't have the strength to build a new bank.
But I hear you, why can't it all be easier. Any chance you could go see your friend for a coffee ... beautiful is something to be cherished, as are you.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
I'm sorry your feeling like this & I'm sorry for your past as much as your sorry for mine we havnt had it easy and I am genuinely sorry Sleepie
Drinking is not a solution to any problem it's a firestarter and I've had my share of fire to know we both don't need to get burnt
Sleepie you have come so far you know you have there has been remarkable change in you its a privledge to be a part of that btw
Please don't drink try the urge surfing & craving links to help
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ful-links.html
Drinking is not a solution to any problem it's a firestarter and I've had my share of fire to know we both don't need to get burnt
Sleepie you have come so far you know you have there has been remarkable change in you its a privledge to be a part of that btw
Please don't drink try the urge surfing & craving links to help
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ful-links.html
Formerly Ringthedoorbell
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Georgia
Posts: 402
Oh Sleepie, my heart breaks for you... I know you are in a bad place right now, but please hang on because we need you!
You mean so much to me and so many others here at SR. I always read anything you post, because you are a smart, articulate and caring person.
I'm not one for posting much, as I am slow with the typing, but I just had to let you know how I feel.
Don't give up. I know you are trying Cow's cleansing diet, so hopefully that will make you feel better.
As for the lack of support from your boyfriend, I know that is a difficult and complex situation. But Sleepie, you know in the end we really have to love, comfort, support and encourage ourselves....WE have to be our own support system sometimes. You deserve a loving relationship, but sometimes our significant other is not able to meet all of our needs.
I know you are having some health issues that are worrying you and that is not helping the situation. i know how that feels; that nagging worry that is always in the back of your mind... I won't tell you not to worry, because I know how hard it is not to, but I will say that most of the time the things we worry about don't happen.
I think you are a wonderful person Sleepie, and I hope you feel better right away.
Drinking won't solve anything, just makes things worse. Please don't drink Sleepie....
You mean so much to me and so many others here at SR. I always read anything you post, because you are a smart, articulate and caring person.
I'm not one for posting much, as I am slow with the typing, but I just had to let you know how I feel.
Don't give up. I know you are trying Cow's cleansing diet, so hopefully that will make you feel better.
As for the lack of support from your boyfriend, I know that is a difficult and complex situation. But Sleepie, you know in the end we really have to love, comfort, support and encourage ourselves....WE have to be our own support system sometimes. You deserve a loving relationship, but sometimes our significant other is not able to meet all of our needs.
I know you are having some health issues that are worrying you and that is not helping the situation. i know how that feels; that nagging worry that is always in the back of your mind... I won't tell you not to worry, because I know how hard it is not to, but I will say that most of the time the things we worry about don't happen.
I think you are a wonderful person Sleepie, and I hope you feel better right away.
Drinking won't solve anything, just makes things worse. Please don't drink Sleepie....
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Sleepie - please, please don't give up now.
Your disenchantment with others is nothing compared with how harshly you'll think of yourself tomorrow if you let your alcoholic voice convince you that drinking will solve anything.
Did you ever check out CoDa? The information in their handbook is helping me so much in dealing with painful emotions from the past and relationships (with friends; partner; colleagues; etc.) currently, and has also helped me start forming a new relationship with myself.. . one that is as loving; caring; and non-judgemental as I would like to be for my friends but have never been able to be for myself. There is so much potential for healing Sleepie - but not drunk. xx
Your disenchantment with others is nothing compared with how harshly you'll think of yourself tomorrow if you let your alcoholic voice convince you that drinking will solve anything.
Did you ever check out CoDa? The information in their handbook is helping me so much in dealing with painful emotions from the past and relationships (with friends; partner; colleagues; etc.) currently, and has also helped me start forming a new relationship with myself.. . one that is as loving; caring; and non-judgemental as I would like to be for my friends but have never been able to be for myself. There is so much potential for healing Sleepie - but not drunk. xx
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by sleepie 
I've resigned to being sad, sick and alone.
Why not make today be the day that you do something different to get out of the rut you are in?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
Hi sleepie....
I appreciate you coming here to share
your thoughts, feelings and struggles
with many of us in recovery. Just knowing
none of us have to go thru anything in
recovery life alone again is pretty comforting.
I hope you believe that, cause it's true.
We all have to learn new healthy ways
to think, act, feel in recovery because
poison, mind and body altering drugs
has given many of us many false sense
of pride and feelings.
You, like many of us will learn that we
never have to apologize for how we are
feeling. You will learn that you wont have
to keep apologizing for disturbing us.
Like for me, I need to do whatever I need
to do to learn to remain sober. I don't mean
we have to be cruel, mean or run over anyone
in a car or cause physical, mental or verbal
abuse to others to get what I need to be happy
or healthy in recovery.
I speak for myself because its not my
place to speak for others, but many
will agree we think along the same lines
when it comes to learning to live life
in recovery.
I had such a distorted view of myself
when under the influence of a controlled,
poisonous substance which for me was
alcohol. Drugs or narcotics do the same
thing.
The further away you distance yourself
from alcohol or drugs and work honestly
with ur physicians and recovery program
then you will stop feeling like a failure,
a victim ( and I too grew up in a dysfunctional
family with an abusive mom who inflicted me
with physical, verbal, emotional pain till I
left home at 19 and began numbing myself
with alcohol till I entered recovery at the
age of 30) and embrace yourself as a strong,
loving, caring, sober or clean person that
you truly are.
Going to find a friend that is a drinking
buddy and says all those things to you
that you want to hear, is someone under
the enfluence of a controlled substance.
Anything that came out of my mouth to
another while I was drinking was things
people wanted to hear, things I wanted
to hear myself, may not have always
been true, could have been my manipulation,
voice, thoughts, all attention getters to
satisfy my own sick sense of low self esteem.
It has taken me time to heal and learn
what I need or want in this life after
alcohol. Sure we all want validation
from others to tell us we are pretty,
smart, caring, a survivor of the past
abuse.
And you like many of us are survivors.
However, today you are a sober,
strong, survivor learning healthy
ways to ensure yourself what to
avoid, people, places or things that
would try to bring you down or
cause us to return to drinking or
using.
It has taken me time, just like many
others to aquire a quiet confidence
within ourselves to be happy, healthy,
loving, caring people we are meant to
be.
A Quiet Strong, Sober Confidence Within.
That is YOU, Me and Many Others.
I appreciate you coming here to share
your thoughts, feelings and struggles
with many of us in recovery. Just knowing
none of us have to go thru anything in
recovery life alone again is pretty comforting.
I hope you believe that, cause it's true.
We all have to learn new healthy ways
to think, act, feel in recovery because
poison, mind and body altering drugs
has given many of us many false sense
of pride and feelings.
You, like many of us will learn that we
never have to apologize for how we are
feeling. You will learn that you wont have
to keep apologizing for disturbing us.
Like for me, I need to do whatever I need
to do to learn to remain sober. I don't mean
we have to be cruel, mean or run over anyone
in a car or cause physical, mental or verbal
abuse to others to get what I need to be happy
or healthy in recovery.
I speak for myself because its not my
place to speak for others, but many
will agree we think along the same lines
when it comes to learning to live life
in recovery.
I had such a distorted view of myself
when under the influence of a controlled,
poisonous substance which for me was
alcohol. Drugs or narcotics do the same
thing.
The further away you distance yourself
from alcohol or drugs and work honestly
with ur physicians and recovery program
then you will stop feeling like a failure,
a victim ( and I too grew up in a dysfunctional
family with an abusive mom who inflicted me
with physical, verbal, emotional pain till I
left home at 19 and began numbing myself
with alcohol till I entered recovery at the
age of 30) and embrace yourself as a strong,
loving, caring, sober or clean person that
you truly are.
Going to find a friend that is a drinking
buddy and says all those things to you
that you want to hear, is someone under
the enfluence of a controlled substance.
Anything that came out of my mouth to
another while I was drinking was things
people wanted to hear, things I wanted
to hear myself, may not have always
been true, could have been my manipulation,
voice, thoughts, all attention getters to
satisfy my own sick sense of low self esteem.
It has taken me time to heal and learn
what I need or want in this life after
alcohol. Sure we all want validation
from others to tell us we are pretty,
smart, caring, a survivor of the past
abuse.
And you like many of us are survivors.
However, today you are a sober,
strong, survivor learning healthy
ways to ensure yourself what to
avoid, people, places or things that
would try to bring you down or
cause us to return to drinking or
using.
It has taken me time, just like many
others to aquire a quiet confidence
within ourselves to be happy, healthy,
loving, caring people we are meant to
be.
A Quiet Strong, Sober Confidence Within.
That is YOU, Me and Many Others.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Bellingham
Posts: 513
Yesterday afternoon and into the evening it hit me as well. I'm such a loser. What woman would ever want to link her life to mine? Or else how could I drum up the self-loving mania that even some failed men have that sucks people into their orbit?
There's still mystery at the bottom in silence. It still feels like a position of strength, as opposed to the bleary, blurting drunk self, brain on fire, upon the hamster wheel, happy, sad, crazy.
There's still mystery at the bottom in silence. It still feels like a position of strength, as opposed to the bleary, blurting drunk self, brain on fire, upon the hamster wheel, happy, sad, crazy.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
Things have been awful for the 10 weeks I quit drinking. Rapid decline. My health, my strength. I've read over and over that the most crucial element in anyone's health is community. You all know you are appreciated, here on SR. But I have a very certain sense that doing without my entire life, never having that foundation of caring family or friends, wrote my story before I ever had a chance. Again I appreciate everyone here, but an online community this late in the game, after a lifetime of failures and hardships that I know can be attributed to an untreatable LD and abusive family, as much as I'd like to believe so, it's just not a substitute. My heart is broken.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
You're right Sleepie - it isn't a substitute for caring friends and family. But if you stick with this sober journey, you will be able to recover enough to make friends, meet a partner, maybe start your own caring and loving family.
In the meantime, I think that the first step is to start being loving and caring towards yourself, and your child within. Refuse to give up on that person. She deserves more than to be poisoned with alcohol. xx
In the meantime, I think that the first step is to start being loving and caring towards yourself, and your child within. Refuse to give up on that person. She deserves more than to be poisoned with alcohol. xx
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Maybe what changed is not that you quit drinking and your life got worse but you quit numbing yourself and starting facing life full-on for the first time. The fact that you have made it ten weeks under those circumstances, without the foundation of a caring support system, tells me one thing: you are a fighter even when you have no earthly reason to be. Something inside you keeps going even when your conscious mind -- that troubling part of you that has to deal with stuff day in and day out -- wants to quit.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
I know many who have gotten in recovery
living and incorporating some sort of program
of whatever has worked for them, have gotten
a lot of what they may have lost in the past
due to addiction back.
Family members, relatonships renewed,
mended, a positive look on life, any if not
all of the promised/gifts as stated in the
Big Book of AA.
Ive mentioned AA because it was what
was taught to me yrs ago and has worked
for me for the past 25 yrs. I also continue
to learn newer and healthier ways to enjoy
life by listening or reading other folks
positive messages of hope that they have
received in their own life with their own
choice of recovery support and program.
For me, I don't believe it is too late to ever
learn how to achieve a healthy, happy, honest
life addiction free. As you continue to stay
connected to SR, which I find is a great place
to help others struggling with addiction that
are unable to make a face to face meeting
for whatever reason. I have used it as my
lifeline to own recovery program.
Anyway, it doesn't matter how old we are.
As long as you have a Willingness to move
forward one day at a time listening, learning,
absorbing, applying something positive to
your life with help from either here in SR,
a theraphists, someone in recovery who
understands you without judgment, comparison,
which many of us are in SR, then you have a
good chance of achieving a healthy, happy
satisfying life down the road.
I know life will be life and things will
happen. It's life. I accept that. However,
I like many wont reach for poison,
narcotic to help us get thru it. With
a program of recovery, our physicians,
and a belief in Something, Someone
stronger than we are to guide us,
strengthen us, the spiritual part of
recovery, we all can become stronger
inside and out.
Addiction kept me in my sickness for
a long time. Today, im healthier, without
the closeness of my family of orgin, because
staying connected to them kept me sick.
I couldn't and cant change my family and
make them understand me as a mom, daughter,
sister in recovery and cant drink successfully
like them. I have to take care of me because
no one else will.
My journey in recovery has been one day
at a time. So many are starting at one today,
same place I was 25 yrs ago. I clawed, cried,
prayed, clung on to dear life and others in
recovery to carry me, allowed me to follow,
move at my own pace, were patient with me,
and so on, as I left yesterday behind me, stayed
within the day and closed my eyes to wake up
one more day sober.
You have lots of support here in SR or
if you choose in meetings or one on one
with a theraphyists to get strong and
healthy for you, Yourself.
You like so many of us are important.
Or, You are important to us.
living and incorporating some sort of program
of whatever has worked for them, have gotten
a lot of what they may have lost in the past
due to addiction back.
Family members, relatonships renewed,
mended, a positive look on life, any if not
all of the promised/gifts as stated in the
Big Book of AA.
Ive mentioned AA because it was what
was taught to me yrs ago and has worked
for me for the past 25 yrs. I also continue
to learn newer and healthier ways to enjoy
life by listening or reading other folks
positive messages of hope that they have
received in their own life with their own
choice of recovery support and program.
For me, I don't believe it is too late to ever
learn how to achieve a healthy, happy, honest
life addiction free. As you continue to stay
connected to SR, which I find is a great place
to help others struggling with addiction that
are unable to make a face to face meeting
for whatever reason. I have used it as my
lifeline to own recovery program.
Anyway, it doesn't matter how old we are.
As long as you have a Willingness to move
forward one day at a time listening, learning,
absorbing, applying something positive to
your life with help from either here in SR,
a theraphists, someone in recovery who
understands you without judgment, comparison,
which many of us are in SR, then you have a
good chance of achieving a healthy, happy
satisfying life down the road.
I know life will be life and things will
happen. It's life. I accept that. However,
I like many wont reach for poison,
narcotic to help us get thru it. With
a program of recovery, our physicians,
and a belief in Something, Someone
stronger than we are to guide us,
strengthen us, the spiritual part of
recovery, we all can become stronger
inside and out.
Addiction kept me in my sickness for
a long time. Today, im healthier, without
the closeness of my family of orgin, because
staying connected to them kept me sick.
I couldn't and cant change my family and
make them understand me as a mom, daughter,
sister in recovery and cant drink successfully
like them. I have to take care of me because
no one else will.
My journey in recovery has been one day
at a time. So many are starting at one today,
same place I was 25 yrs ago. I clawed, cried,
prayed, clung on to dear life and others in
recovery to carry me, allowed me to follow,
move at my own pace, were patient with me,
and so on, as I left yesterday behind me, stayed
within the day and closed my eyes to wake up
one more day sober.
You have lots of support here in SR or
if you choose in meetings or one on one
with a theraphyists to get strong and
healthy for you, Yourself.
You like so many of us are important.
Or, You are important to us.
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