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Self-realization

Old 09-22-2015, 11:03 PM
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Self-realization

Someone posted a thread about anger earlier and it got me thinking. A few people mentioned that the root of their anger was really at themselves. At first when I read this, I shuttered. Not me, I thought. I have a tendency to do this, blame others.

But thinking about it tonight, it occurred to me that maybe the brunt of my anger is at myself. I certainly have regrets, a couple I would consider pretty monumental. I think this negativity manifests as anger towards others, when it's really directed inwards. It allows certain people to press my buttons. And it's kept me in this rut of alcohol abuse.

I've heard the trick is letting go, forgiving yourself. This is what I think I need to work on.
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Old 09-22-2015, 11:44 PM
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I think a lot of my anger was definitely against myself, but sometimes other people made good, or easier to deal with, targets.

Forgiving myself and accepting my essential goodness & worth as a human being was pretty pivotal to my recovery

D
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Old 09-23-2015, 04:48 AM
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^^^^^^^^^^^^^
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Old 09-23-2015, 04:52 AM
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alcoholism to me is self-centered self loathing.

I'm all I can think about and I don't like me. What a conundrum!
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Old 09-23-2015, 05:04 AM
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it was very hard for me to find my sense of self worth and get through this sort of thing when everyone around me was quick to remind me how much of a $hithead i was and how worthless etc... But once i was able to ignore it all i was able to work on myself.
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Old 09-23-2015, 05:49 AM
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Just forgiving myself isn't enough for me. I found self-worth through working the steps...a fearless and searching inventory and then making amends - not just saying sorry, but making things right. Self-esteem came from doing esteemable acts.
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Old 09-23-2015, 10:20 AM
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I would get super angry when I saw people trying to pull the same crap I did.
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Old 09-23-2015, 11:02 AM
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Originally Posted by silentrun View Post
I would get super angry when I saw people trying to pull the same crap I did.
Me too. Or even if they're making the same mistakes or having the same weaknesses as I did. You'd think it would make me have a little empathy or sympathy for them, but I felt almost angry when I saw a shy and clingy teenager for example, or some sappy young girl allowing herself to be flattered and got around by some (in my eye) opportunist older male, rather than more compassionate feelings. I suppose my anger was at the feelings and memories that they reminded me of rather than the person, but it did make me feel guilty when those instances flared up (thankfully it's getting much less frequent nowadays).
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Old 09-23-2015, 11:23 AM
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I've done some interesting work on frustration and anger in sobriety...not in the beginning but after ~one year. I needed that time to even come to clear and accurate realizations about my repressed anger and how it was affecting my well-being and interactions. I'd been the kind of person who would rather look for fault and errors within myself, even when I was drinking more or less (with some sudden outbursts of anger that surprised and shocked me more than anyone else I think). On a certain level, I think it's better to find the triggers within ourselves instead of blaming others in a random manner (projecting). But on another level of development, I've found it very enlightening and also practically beneficial to identify the true sources of these repressed or ignored impulses and negative feelings, which I think are often related to very old experiences and issues that we had internalized and then kinda forgot how they were born. I've found the understanding of these things in my history and life experience very valuable, alongside with learning new ways of channeling anger and frustration out without harming others or myself. Basically, using anger as a constructive force. Very liberating in my experience, but probably only after learning also some humility and realistic perception.
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Old 09-24-2015, 02:25 PM
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Nice post, Alleyce, very true.

Thanks for the responses.
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Old 09-24-2015, 08:23 PM
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We're all left with the inherent reflexivity of all human interaction. We dislike in others things we dislike in ourselves...C.J. Jung called it the shadow and said that western society is sick because it is constantly projects its shadow. I guess that's true. Anger also feels like resistance toward letting a situation sink in totally. Like, I feel like a failure a fair amount and then I get pissed at the world until I get angry enough to embrace the situation more fully. OK, I am a total failure! Over dramatic. Miserable. More resistance. Ok, I am here, wherever here is. Acceptance. I escape the shadowy half life of my second hand perceptions, perceptions filtered through the agitating lens of social values. New terrain is revealed. What is success here? Who are these people?

Anger is like being an animal in a cage looking out at his captors. He doesn't understand why he is there, just feels this immensity of anger. We don't understand our cage, only that we are someplace foreign. The animal doesn't know 'cage'. We also don't know it. Anger's like that, like being trapped in an inherently contrived situation, foreign to your deeper self, and not being aware of why it is happening, our response is from an emotional intelligence that will eventually guide us toward defining the contours of our entrapment. Anger, irritation, false judgement, self destruction, and either you'll get free or implode.
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Old 09-24-2015, 09:42 PM
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That's good stuff davaidavai. Anger does raise those questions - how did I get here? Why is this happening? Alcohol only amplifies it. I'm quick to blame others, but I can only change myself. We dig ourselves a hole and wonder why no one is there to help, when I think we can only receive help from others when we decide to help ourselves.
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