I bought a bunch of alcohol and hate myself
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 136
I bought a bunch of alcohol and hate myself
I feel low. When I first came to SR, I came here grasping, in some ways, the totality of alcoholism. I could accept my pathetic behaviour because I was viewing it with the little knowledge about alcoholism I had. I accepted the embarrassment and stupidity of my actions wholly, and then said, "Well now I'm correcting them."
But I don't feel this way now that I've fallen off. I am completely blacked; I've no pity, no understanding, no compassion for myself. I look at myself and say, "You bought that goddamn alcohol and there's no reason to have done so. You made it 4 months this Summer, and you know better; you're a fool, a fool, a fool. And you're going to keep doing it."
I just hate myself. I want to throw myself off the damn roof every day now. There isn't a single sober moment that isn't filled with utmost disgust.
I don't act sober; and because of that I eventually drink.
But tonight I really messed up. And there's not even a story. I made the smallest, the absolute smallest embarrassment of myself today. And yet, because I'm drinking, because I'm here again, I immediately turned to alcohol. But all I had around was whiskey; I drank it until I couldn't stomach it (I'm not a hard-alcohol type), and then said Hell with it, drove a Zipcar completely drunk, spent more than $100 on tobacco and alcohol (and I have $800 total to my name; college student/zero income), and then went to drink----
But the worst part is that I couldn't do it. I've been overtly exhaausted; not enough sleep, and feeling bad anyway today. All I could stomach was 4 cans of beer before I couldn't even swallow anymore---
But now I've 56 cans of beer in my room. 56 cans, and a mostly full handle of whiskey.
And that damn tobacco. There's a link with my smoking and drinking; I already fully know this.
But jeez
I mean, I'm in the almost exact position as when I started here on SR. At the end of the last semester was the same thing. I'd 30 beers and a big thing of wine.
I threw the alcohol out and started sobriety---
but throwing that alcohol out was the hardest thing I ever did. Even when I quit cigs for a full 3 weeks, that single moment of putting alcohol in the trash was much, much harder.
But I don't even know this time. I'm so horrified and ashamed and yet fatal about all of this.
I truly don't think I can throw the alcohol in the trash.
Or I could--- but I don't think I'm going to stop drinking.
But goddamit I want to! I am going crazy. Cr-a-z-y. I hate it. Myself...
I don't know. I don't know what I did it for. Don't know what the hell I'm doing anything for anymore.
Just lost. Totally lost. And I'm messing up so lucidly, you know? That's the worst part. This doesn't feel like alcoholism this time around. I'm just a damn loser, and I'm willfully being one.
Bad feelings.
But I don't feel this way now that I've fallen off. I am completely blacked; I've no pity, no understanding, no compassion for myself. I look at myself and say, "You bought that goddamn alcohol and there's no reason to have done so. You made it 4 months this Summer, and you know better; you're a fool, a fool, a fool. And you're going to keep doing it."
I just hate myself. I want to throw myself off the damn roof every day now. There isn't a single sober moment that isn't filled with utmost disgust.
I don't act sober; and because of that I eventually drink.
But tonight I really messed up. And there's not even a story. I made the smallest, the absolute smallest embarrassment of myself today. And yet, because I'm drinking, because I'm here again, I immediately turned to alcohol. But all I had around was whiskey; I drank it until I couldn't stomach it (I'm not a hard-alcohol type), and then said Hell with it, drove a Zipcar completely drunk, spent more than $100 on tobacco and alcohol (and I have $800 total to my name; college student/zero income), and then went to drink----
But the worst part is that I couldn't do it. I've been overtly exhaausted; not enough sleep, and feeling bad anyway today. All I could stomach was 4 cans of beer before I couldn't even swallow anymore---
But now I've 56 cans of beer in my room. 56 cans, and a mostly full handle of whiskey.
And that damn tobacco. There's a link with my smoking and drinking; I already fully know this.
But jeez
I mean, I'm in the almost exact position as when I started here on SR. At the end of the last semester was the same thing. I'd 30 beers and a big thing of wine.
I threw the alcohol out and started sobriety---
but throwing that alcohol out was the hardest thing I ever did. Even when I quit cigs for a full 3 weeks, that single moment of putting alcohol in the trash was much, much harder.
But I don't even know this time. I'm so horrified and ashamed and yet fatal about all of this.
I truly don't think I can throw the alcohol in the trash.
Or I could--- but I don't think I'm going to stop drinking.
But goddamit I want to! I am going crazy. Cr-a-z-y. I hate it. Myself...
I don't know. I don't know what I did it for. Don't know what the hell I'm doing anything for anymore.
Just lost. Totally lost. And I'm messing up so lucidly, you know? That's the worst part. This doesn't feel like alcoholism this time around. I'm just a damn loser, and I'm willfully being one.
Bad feelings.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 136
My school has counseling services, I found out.
The phones open at 8, and I'm scheduling an appointment finally.
I don't know what it will or won't do. It's up to me to get this alcohol out of here... I don't know if that'll be through my stomach or not.
But I know I'm messing up, and I'm terrified.
I just don't know. I made it this Summer. I had an awful job this Summer. I hated it entirely. I didn't have any friends either; all of them are either drug-addicts or just off-the-map anymore. And I'm a louse about heat too; I get so frustrated with heat, and then I get lonely because of how I never go outside or want to do anything.
But I made it through. And I had lots of opportunities to drink. I have my mum's car in the Summer; every day, every night, I could have gone out to drink.
But I didn't. Or not much. I had a few slips, but mostly right in the beginning. And very small slips; I think I only got drunk twice. The rest were buying one can, and then usually I threw it in the trash right away anyway.
So I don't know what this is. It's the new semester. I've good courses. I came to school feeling good, looking better than ever before. I don't party, and I don't have any friends that party.
But I came up here, and within a week I'd started drinking.
I mean, I have always drank by myself. Always. So that's not new or anything--- but I just wish there was some tangible reason as to why I fell off so. Why now, when I'd made it through a horrible Summer.
I don't know. I will try the counseling; maybe just voicing everything will help. And I don't feel that I've held back anything drinking-related from SR--- but maybe a little. Or maybe just those weird, inconclusive things that you find yourself stating and exploring when you vocalize rather than type.
I dunno. I'll try again. I will. But at this moment, with all this alcohol around me, I have never felt so completely, totally exhausted with life.
The phones open at 8, and I'm scheduling an appointment finally.
I don't know what it will or won't do. It's up to me to get this alcohol out of here... I don't know if that'll be through my stomach or not.
But I know I'm messing up, and I'm terrified.
I just don't know. I made it this Summer. I had an awful job this Summer. I hated it entirely. I didn't have any friends either; all of them are either drug-addicts or just off-the-map anymore. And I'm a louse about heat too; I get so frustrated with heat, and then I get lonely because of how I never go outside or want to do anything.
But I made it through. And I had lots of opportunities to drink. I have my mum's car in the Summer; every day, every night, I could have gone out to drink.
But I didn't. Or not much. I had a few slips, but mostly right in the beginning. And very small slips; I think I only got drunk twice. The rest were buying one can, and then usually I threw it in the trash right away anyway.
So I don't know what this is. It's the new semester. I've good courses. I came to school feeling good, looking better than ever before. I don't party, and I don't have any friends that party.
But I came up here, and within a week I'd started drinking.
I mean, I have always drank by myself. Always. So that's not new or anything--- but I just wish there was some tangible reason as to why I fell off so. Why now, when I'd made it through a horrible Summer.
I don't know. I will try the counseling; maybe just voicing everything will help. And I don't feel that I've held back anything drinking-related from SR--- but maybe a little. Or maybe just those weird, inconclusive things that you find yourself stating and exploring when you vocalize rather than type.
I dunno. I'll try again. I will. But at this moment, with all this alcohol around me, I have never felt so completely, totally exhausted with life.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,435
Hi QT
It's really hard to come back from relapse sometimes.
I remember thinking 'whats the point? I'll just drink again'....and that kind of defeatism dovetailed with my lack of self esteem and my perception of my self worth.
If alcoholism was a fire I had all the right ingredients to keep that fire burning on and one.
You need to challenge those notions
It's not inevitable you'll drink again. You can change your approach and add new things.
Learn from the past sure, but past attempts at getting sober don't
have to be a determinant on your next try.
I tried to stop drinking for 15 years, at least once a week every Monday...thats about 800 attempts that didn't take...but my 801st? I'm still going
You don't have to drink all that booze.
There is another option - don't drink that booze.
The only reason it doesn't sound as inviting to you right now is because your AV is in the drivers seat.
Take back the wheel QT. You can do this - today, right now.
D
It's really hard to come back from relapse sometimes.
I remember thinking 'whats the point? I'll just drink again'....and that kind of defeatism dovetailed with my lack of self esteem and my perception of my self worth.
If alcoholism was a fire I had all the right ingredients to keep that fire burning on and one.
You need to challenge those notions
It's not inevitable you'll drink again. You can change your approach and add new things.
Learn from the past sure, but past attempts at getting sober don't
have to be a determinant on your next try.
I tried to stop drinking for 15 years, at least once a week every Monday...thats about 800 attempts that didn't take...but my 801st? I'm still going
You don't have to drink all that booze.
There is another option - don't drink that booze.
The only reason it doesn't sound as inviting to you right now is because your AV is in the drivers seat.
Take back the wheel QT. You can do this - today, right now.
D
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi.
Your actions and feelings are familiar to many of us alcoholics. It reminds me of the fact that alcohol for us is powerful, cunning, baffling, insidious and so progressive.
I cannot drink it in safety, any ones!
I needed face to face support to control my dis-ease and become comfortable with myself and life.
This takes work and changes and for me a lot of “I don’t want too.”
Most of my resistance to suggestions resulted in good things happening and to this day continue with positive results. All resulting from not having the first drink.
This not drinking works if we work it.
BE WELL
Your actions and feelings are familiar to many of us alcoholics. It reminds me of the fact that alcohol for us is powerful, cunning, baffling, insidious and so progressive.
I cannot drink it in safety, any ones!
I needed face to face support to control my dis-ease and become comfortable with myself and life.
This takes work and changes and for me a lot of “I don’t want too.”
Most of my resistance to suggestions resulted in good things happening and to this day continue with positive results. All resulting from not having the first drink.
This not drinking works if we work it.
BE WELL
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Sounds like seeing the counselor would be a great idea, I hope you were able to make the appointment. There is a very big difference between "not drinking" and sobriety. It sounds like you have some issues to work through ( the self loathing, self pity, etcd ) that are most likely underlying issues to your alcoholism. Most of us have those kinds of issues so we have to define them and treat them appropriately, but only after we first stop drinking.
Sharing here on SR is a great resource, and it's great that you are doing so - please continue. You might find that you need more than that for support though - local support like meetings or counseling. I hope you were able to get in today and please let us know how things went.
Sharing here on SR is a great resource, and it's great that you are doing so - please continue. You might find that you need more than that for support though - local support like meetings or counseling. I hope you were able to get in today and please let us know how things went.
Hillbilly Girl
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: In my Garden
Posts: 3,953
Reaching out for help is a great step QH......you are not alone in this disease & I''m sure in the 4 months of sobriety you had, you know what relief you can again have without the alcohol. Thinking of you & sending caring thoughts of strength your way.....much help available to you out there....find it & grab hold of it.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: SoCal
Posts: 222
Try to start by getting rid of it, obviously thats hard...especially with so much. I can understand "well hell I paid for it I might as well drink it" even if I dont really want to, because Ive been there. Its just one more way to rationalize something we know we shouldnt be doing.
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