Am I at a stand still or Pink Cloud over?
 

I have been sober for 2 months and my problem is two-fold. This is not my first time in recovery, I have tried plenty of times. I have a sponsor and go to 6 meetings a week. Also, I am on my 4 step and will be doing my 5th, this weekend. I want to get this right, so I ask a lot of questions. Sometimes, [I feel] like this one guy, who "runs" the meeting thinks I think too much and I do not always see things the same as he does. It has got to here we barely speak or shake hands. I feel like, he wants everyone to praise him and I do not do that. I talked to my sponsor about it, and he did not take me serious. It is to the point, that I do not want to go to that meeting anymore. But, I do not have a car right now and have to catch a ride with the guys from the group.

The second thing is with the group, I feel like I am not progressing at [my] rate, and I hear the same things over and over. They say, do not be in such a hurry, but I want to get it right. Before and after the meetings, I listen to Joe and Charlie and other speakers that I can find on-line. It is to the point, that I do not share anymore in the groups. I do not want to be looked at, like a "know-it-all", but I want more details into the Big Book.

It is like, either I am trying to move too fast or just sitting still. I want to be sure, it is not me and that I am slowly headed for a relapse. I do not want to drink, but I feel like the meetings are not giving me enough.

Thanks.

Hi Quest, I don't know much about AA but 6 meetings a week is above the average meeting-load.

I understand you want to get it right :)

with that in mind - what do you think about the resentments in your post - the meeting chair guy who you feel wants adulation and you suspect has something against you because you won't do that...or your sponsor who you feel does not take you seriously, or the group that you hear the same thing over and over in, or you don't share in because you don't want to be seen as a know all?

Some resentments are more justified than others, but all of them can be dangerous to your recovery if you let them grow and fester.

Maybe that's contributing to your sense of ill-ease?

D

I tried to picture him on my resentment list, and what would I put in the last column. I came up with self-esteem, not too sure if this is it, though. And, it is only him, out of the group. I like the other guys, but they seem like, they say what they think he wants to hear.

I talked with my sponsor about it, to make sure this was not just in my head. He thinks I am making a big deal of it. and, that made me feel like, I cannot talk to him about this guy. The guy and I have not said anything nasty to each other. But, he sometimes, stands off to the side and gives me a look, like I am bucking the program. I am happy most of the day, until time for the meetings, and my mood changes. He says, stay in the "herd" and I do not consider myself part of his "herd". I want to stay sober and be happy, but not looked at like an outsider, because I think different. I use to share, in the meetings, but got tired of sounding like I am going against what the group, as a whole, thinks.

And, they are the ones, that think I should go to that many meetings. I am on disability from the military, so I have a lot of free time. Also, no car right now, or I would just go to a different group meeting, as a whole.

Like I say I'm not in AA so mine is an outsiders view on resentment and your mileage may vary :)

If you're not going to talk this out with the guy, have you tried a different group at all - just to see if it fits better?

D

I am looking into different groups now, that are close, and I guess the reason I have not said anything to the guy, is because(of fear?) I do not want to be viewed as the new guy that is starting trouble or it is my old behavior kicking in.

I do go to this other meeting, with the group, that I really like. I am working out a ride situation to start going to that one more.

I have also been googling topics, for being bored in AA meetings, to see if this is common and am I headed for a relapse. If it is a character defect, I want to deal with it, so it does not become an issue later.

Quest7....HI! The AAers are correct, Dont be in such a hurry. They could possibly know? They may have Been sober many yrs....I have noticed Quest7 in all my attempts at sobriety, it takes time, and in that time...i keep learning more. My goal is to quit forever, and i keep learning new things to convince me. Rootin For U Quest7! The stuff does take time...But then again im a slow learner, and I dont like to listen either.

So, how do I do that? Let them or my sponsor decide when to work the next step or what I should and should not read. I don't want to rush through the steps. But, I want to know as much as I can, about the steps that I am on.

Quest7...i read your original post again. And I hear what youre saying now. U said U dont have car or whatnot, i understand how youd not wanna participate. Go to a meeting elsewhere then. I know what youre saying...I had to reread. Ive been to AA Meetings and the entire meeting was a guy biitching about his wife, and i never went back to that meeting. Theres tons more. I felt same way, this isnt even helping me...but i found a different meeting, no problem. Your sponsor should take U. Good Luck!

Thanks. I feel like I get more, from listening to Joe and Charlie and other speakers that I find on the internet, than I do from that meeting. I will tell my sponsor, when I talk to him again. I'm just glad, it has not lead me back to drinking again.

Read whatever pertains to U and helps U quest7! I never stayed in AA, I read my own books. Its your choice! Nobody should tell U what to read. Do WHATEVER it takes to stay Sober! Still Rootin For U!!! I have a list of books i wanna buy. The AA Book is great. I never read entire book cuz its so old fashioned to me. But it rings true. Someday I will read entire book. I read alotta books on alcoholism and some really have helped me. I enjoy AA Meetings, if U find one U fit into well, i hear ya....

Quest7....As long as youre sober! Youre Golden! Dont sweat all that crap...I barely found one AA Meeting i even felt like i fit into. And guess what? the people i liked went to a different meeting and i never saw again. I cant get around either w no car. i read my own books or read on internet. im sorta unsociable too..Lol

Lol, I am social and like to talk to the guys about other stuff that is not always AA related. I learn more from the rides, to and from the meetings, than I do in the meetings. But, I am going to look around for different meetings in my area.

Ain't that the truth:) I really used to enjoy the drive to out of town meetings for that reason. It was great.

A couple of other points from your posts. AA is not a mutual admiration society. You are not going to like everyone you meet and you don't have to. And just because you don't like/relate to/ someone doesn't mean it is a resentment. Trust your conscience on this. Youy are not always going to be in the wrong.

Knowledge of the steps can be had by reading the twelve and twelve. Understanding of the steps can only be had in hindsight, having taken them and felt the effect. It is impossible to understand the steps in advance because in taking them, you are going to exeperience things that are completley new to you. Recovery comes through action rather than knowledge.

Thanks a lot. I did feel like, no matter how I approached this, it was my flaud thinking. Also, they said not to read the 12x12 until a while after working the steps.

Maybe just hang tight until you get past 5, then sit for an hour in deep reflection (6) after your 5th step discussion then say the 7th step prayer with all the willingness you can muster.....You may have a new perspective after step 7......

Have you read Not-God: A History of Alcoholics Anonymous by Ernest Kurtz? Good history and info about AA

stop thinking so much! go talk to a newcomer, too!! ;)

I would agree with that. It was very enlightening AFTER taking the steps. One of it's most useful aspects is the way it discusses different approaches to the steps for different people and it was very useful in deepening my understanding in a way that would be useful when working with others. An example would be step two where it discusses a number of ways an individual might look at this step, depending on their point of view. Not all of these applied to me.

But at the start it can be a distraction. It discusses a lot of things I had no experience of. You've heard of analysis paralysis?

The advice you guys gave, helped out a lot. Went to a meeting tonight and heard a guy say that sometimes the issues we have with others, is OUR problem. And, a lady shared that, we will not always get alone, with others at a meeting. Then, after that, I found myself talking and sharing with a new comer, that walked up to me...:thanks

It might help to remember that he's not 'running' the meeting. He's SERVING the meeting (just like the person making the tea; or ordering the literature; or doing the washing up; or sweeping the floor) for the time being, as group secretary til it's time to step down and someone else do it. When his time is up a new volunteer will be sought. You may well do the job yourself in time. It's no more HIS herd than your herd. And after all, humility is not about thinking less of ourselves, but thinking about ourselves less. In that meeting you are a fellowship of travellers. You are helping them along their road as much as they are helping you. No matter what service position anyone holds, or how long they've been in the rooms.

In your many weekly meetings, is there a Big Book Study or 12 &12 Study meeting? If not, it might help to find one. I've found it a really good opportunity to get to the nitty gritty of the steps; ask questions; and hear others sharing on specific steps in a way that doesn't tend to happen at general share meetings. Going to new meetings can be a really positive thing, but not if it's just to get away from someone.

Another thing that might help is the resentment prayer (about that guy in particular for now.) With the variety of people in the rooms, sometimes it's difficult to remember that it's principles before personalities, but it is really important. There is a whole room of people who you don't have a problem with, and one guy that you have decided doesn't like you, and you're willing to not go to that meeting again because of that? This is the kind of stuff we can learn to get over in AA, if we are willing listen to people who are trying to help us. Even the ones we're not so keen on.

God, I have a resentment towards X that I want to be free of.
So I am asking you to give X everything I want for myself.
Help me feel compassion; understanding and love for X.
I pray that X will receive everything they need.
Thankyou for your help and strength with this resentment.

There's a really great speaker tape that I think could be really useful to you, but my memory is rubbish so I'll need to check my mp3 player for the bloke's name, and it's out in the car. I'll let you know what it is when I've found it. :)

In the meantime, I hope you don't mind me passing this on in case it's as useful to you as it is for me. I find it's bloody great for readjusting my focus when my disenchantment with others knocks my perspective out a little...

God, help me to accept that people may be unreasonable and self-centred. Let me forgive them anyway.
Help me to accept that if I’m kind, people may accuse me of ulterior motives. Let me be kind anyway.
Help me to accept that if I find happiness, people may be jealous. Let me be happy anyway.
Help me to accept that the good I do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Let me do good anyway.
Help me to accept that I may give the world my best, and it may never be good enough. Let me give my best anyway.
God, help me to remember that it is between you and me. It was never between me and them anyway.

I once heard, that usually when we feel a resentment starting up, we need to take action, either by forgiving the person or apologising to them. Sometimes it can even be both. But usually if we don't do whatever one is needed, it's us that will suffer. That's something that has really stuck with me.

Hope you feel better soon - I'll try to find a link for that speaker recording :)

Great stuff Becky:) But I have to rmemeber that sometimes my resentment prayer will be answered with the "instruction" to recognise and make amends for my part in it. Not always is passive prayer enough. Sometimes action is part of the solution.

Quite often in my case. But I do tend to start of with the resentment prayer firmly in the presumption that it's the other person that needs my forgivness lol ;) And I am getting less and less surprised each time I realise that actually I need to do the apologising and make amends. If I conclude that it's a 'forgive' one I tend to check my thinking out with my sponsor or AA best-buddy just in case.

Also, I sometimes need to say that prayer a few times before I start seeing / feeling it work. (I always think it's a bit like a stain remover on a carpet - you think it's all gone, but then later a shadow of the stain re-emerges and I know I need to do a second application. My ego has ink-power some days!!)