Rebellion
 

It's only been around 22 days or so (this time around) and fortunately, in the past week or so I haven't had a huge desire to drink.

This morning I was thinking about a close relative who is a competitive triathelete and major health freak. This person drinks wine fairly regularly but frowns on me drinking, which I understand.

But while I was thinking about how this person doesn't like me drinking I started to feel rebellious, like, "F off, don't tell me what to do, mind your own business." And at that point I really wanted a drink. My adreneline is still flowing a bit at the thought.

When I was younger, rebellion was part of the reason I started drinking. I always had problems with authority figures and always hated being told what to do, and drinking was a way for me to express that. And now I find myself wanting to rebel against my well-meaning family member.

What's up with that? I don't see a lot of people talking about rebellion (it's not in HALT for example). Anyone else felt like this before?

Sounds to me more like your alcohlism or AV simply flaring up more than rebellion specifically. Rebellion can certainly make us do things or say things that we may regret at a later date, but I don't think it's specifically a "cause" of drinking. Alcoholics simply use drinking as an escape or false coping mechanism when things don't feel right.

Rebellion sounds like something a teenager does against authority (i.e. parents, school) This sounds more like resentment, a major factor in drinking and the relapse. You resent the implication that you can't drink.

But quitting was your decision. Careful who you rebel against.

I get what you're saying. Like, I'll decide I don't drink, but you don't tell me I shouldn't. Many times its out of concern, but sometimes there are other issues, like someone acting authoritative, like you described. The first kind of response is welcomed, the second causes resentment. You're in the best position to make that judgement call, since you know your relative. But I can relate, I deal with this kind of stuff in my family.

I don't know if it was a cause in this case but it was kind of like a trigger.

But anyway thanks for your feedback. The false coping aspect makes some sense.

Hmm. I am not so sure I resent not being able to drink. For the most part I really don't want to drink. I do resent being told what to do though. It's a bit immature, maybe, but it's part of my makeup and something I'm actually trying to work through.

Resentment is something I never really had to confront during the few times I've been able to stop, but I see it come up here a lot. Maybe I should read up on it. Any suggestions where I can get more information?

I guess I kind of lump "triggers", "cravings", "causes", "excuses" and several other iterations into "reasons our addiction uses to try and get us to drink".

I don't really know that identifying specific events/emotions is as important "triggers" really does all that much good. Because we can always come up with other ones, our addiction is the master at finding new reasons to get us drinking. What is very important in my mind ( and in my recovery ) is reminding myself that there is NO justifiable reason for me to drink...PERIOD.

I think 'resentment' sounds like a serious word.
If we change it to 'a thing that peeves me off and gets to me, and once I start thinking about it I dwell on it' then it's easier to think about.
Some of my resentments were really old (one from age 8 in the playground!), and were not all 'serious' issues, but thinking about them would definitely affect my day. And yes, I had a few that would spark off a 'drinking AT them' reaction. Thankfully those resentments have lost their sting now (I can laugh at most of them) and my AV doesn't get the same chances to play it's 'drink at 'em' card.

I know my AV was able to use anything it could - if shame did not work, it would try pride, if sorrow did not work, it would try and get me when I wanted to celebrate.

to evoke Nine Inch Nails, I consider that kind of 'eff you I won't do what you tell me' reaction to be resentment and pride rather than rebellion.

I think it fits under the A in HALT :)

D