gonzo51511

hi everyone... so early here in recovery but hitting some road blocks.. just one in particular.. my recently ex girlfriend.. I am trying extremely hard to stay 100 percent focused on my recovery but it really hurts. the guilt and shame I feel for all that happened and it makes even more difficult because we are still sorta in contact..(texting) has anyone had any experience with this? I know I need so stay focused on what I am doing in recovery but I am human.. thank you

happybeingme

Part of recovery is learning to forgive yourself. Everything will be easier when you can say to yourself " I screwed up and I deserve to forgive myself for that just like I would forgive someone else." It's a process and it takes time. To quote Albert Einstein " the reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen at once."

gonzo51511

recent update.. I told her I care for her but im staying focused on my recovery. she said she knows I care for her and she doesn't question that ever. she said she wants to be good friends.. does that mean that maybe shes thinking remaining friends is a way we can rebuild in the future?

gonzo51511

or is my alcoholic mind overthinking things and reading into it too much as usual?? do I just be happy she still wants to be somewhat in eachothers lives??

Soberwolf

Stick close to SR bud

zjw

i've askes simlier questions about women in the past and i'm not EVEN gonna try and figure out what she or they would truely mean with such statements.

But sometimes persistence pays off. My wife was my best friend for years before we ever dated or anything. I was just persistently always there for her and her for me cept fora few times when she got ticked off at me lol.

So i dunno I'd love to think that shes just quietly patiently waiting and hoping you solve your problems etc.. so you guys can work it out. But I know the reality is thats not always the case either.

I can never make heads or tails on what there thinking.

I guess the thing is for now what more can you do but accept things for how they are. be happy for what you do have etc.. hope for the best whatever that is etc..

IOAA2

Hi.
In my case “I’m sorry” was so worn out I hated to need to say it because it had become so meaningless. The action I needed was to not need to say it in connection with my drinking. We alcoholics are not known for our honesty in general so it takes TIME to build up trust and sometimes we burn out other people and it’s just not a thing we get back.

It helps by not drinking one day at a time in a row AND working on changes to enhance ourselves as people to be comfortable with.

Then the cynic in me says watch out for what we wish for, we may get it and then what? Life is filled with bumps which we are learning to blend with one moment at a time.

BE WELL

gonzo51511

Thank you for your comments... i just dont get it i guess.. i know i need to stay 100% focused on my recovery but i am human.. i still love her and have regret that we fell in love at the worst of my illness.. but if i hurt her so bad why want to be in eachothers lives at all? And we actually ended things my first couple weeks sober (i was a mess) but now AA is really making positive changes in my thinking. . Expecially working the steps with my sponsor.. i dont, just hoping for another shot with her down the road when im at my best

ScottFromWI

Keep working the steps and you might have another shot down the road. Digging up your regrets will not help anyone.

tomsteve

after getting together with my fiance , when she was just my girlfriend, i remeber her telling me, after a rip snortin drunk, " tom, when youre sober youre the most loving man i ever met but when ya drink you can be evil."
that progressed to,"tom when youre sober youre the most loving man i ever met but when ya drink yer nothing but evil."
that progressed to,"tom, when yer drunk yer nothing but evil and its happening a lot when youre sober."

then she threw me out after an extreme rip snortin black out drunk.
crushed, but thats what it took me to see alcohol and me were the common denominators in all my problems and went to aa.
something i heard early on:
we are attracted to people as sick as ourselves.
got me thinkin, but ( my thinkin at that time said) she had her poop together so why did she want to marry me???
through working the steps honestly the truth materialized. although working on me , "things" started popping into my head that made me see she wasnt quite the amazing woman i thought.
i made my amends with her and eventually realized something-
if i was sober we would never had gotten together. i wouldnt have been interested. too much baggage.
i still love her and hope shes doing good and am very greatful she threw me to the curb.

gonzo51511

Thanks for your share tomsteve.. you are probably right and i know the same will probably happen in my situation. . Just rough to lose so much at once.. she really feels like the one but i know i cant trust anything im thinking in the mental state im in.. just got to let life unfold the way its gonna...jeez..need to listen to my own advice lol... hows your life going now? How long u been sober?

120degrees0ut

Omg...how many of my loved ones i treated like crap while drunk. I apologized but probably will always feel guilty, and I need to remember how i turn into an awful person when drunk. Im so grateful they still talk to me! I think your Ex still cares, otherwise she wouldnt wanna stay in contact with U or be friends or anything.

tomsteve

life is awesome! doesnt mean life on lifes terms doesnt happen.
13 months into recovery i was diagnosed stage 3 melanoma and spent much of the next 2 1/2-3 years fighting it. the clinical trial i was in, 2 rounds of chemo,and 6 surgeries have left me some side effects that arent pleasant. have had other life happen throughout my time in recovery,which started 4/23/05 with the most recent being having a pin put in the end of middle finger on right hand to put shattered bones back together. im going to be outta comission a while,but its all good. ive got the program to help when the frustration hits.
and im single. i honestly like being single. a major part of that is because i became comfortable with who i am. i love myself today. ive dated on and off over the last ten years, but today i am REALLY likin being single.
i owe it to the program of aa, the fellowship that shared their experience
of how they put it into work in everyday life, and the God of my understanding. along with footwork on my part, thats how i recovered from the hopeless state of mind and body,too.
the program will work for you,too, if you work it. ALL of the promises of the program will materialize if ya work for it.
so work it youre worth it!!!

tomsteve

you dont have to feel guilty forever. it was something very heavy in me early on. i put in a lot of footwork lookin at me, changing who i was, and made amends the best i can. one of the things that helpedme was understanding i wasnt a bad man, just sick. when my fiance told me them things i mentioned above, it hurt. i felt like crap quite often for my actions/words while drinking.
a bad man wouldnt have felt the guilt and remorse.
today i have absolutely no guilt for my past, which is a very valuable posession i have. i dont regret it nor wish to shut the door on it.
if i forget it ill repeat it. if i regret it ill get drunk.
yup, i did some pretty sick,insane things, but im not that man any more.

gonzo51511

Thanks man.. i know.. i do really love aa.. even though it seems im always the youngest at the meetings lol.. im only a couple months sober and got in a lot of trouble this time so i need to pay the consequences for that and got on with recovery.. if not for the fellowship and my sponsor i dont like to think were i would be..drunk for sure.. i need a major overhaul done to my life but aa and HP is blessing me with the tools to do so.. just get down sometimes thinking how perfect i thought my life was just a few months ago..stinking thinking

gonzo51511

And sorry to hear about your health issues..hang in there..