before my mind goes to the gutter
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
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I think he is just one of those people that rubs you the wrong way. I think him suggesting getting you get more schooling is valid. He's right about being fortunate to have a secure job. Maybe you just wanted a listening ear and he piped up with ways to feel better about your situation and overstepped. I have to work on that sometimes because I always want to help "fix" the situation. I am probably doing it now.
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yeah silent run its possible but his suggestions are not well thought out and such. Maybe he means well. I could probably argue it with him and he'd tell me i was just being negative and that sometimes you have to go through hard stuff in life to improve your circumstances lol as if i dunno this. Sometimes you gotta be careful not to bite off more then you can chew too which is my point its a delicate balance and I dont think he realizes all the various things that play into this kind of decision for me.
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Originally Posted by Ken33xx 
The toxic individual usaully knows full well what they`re doing and shooting back a quip is feeding them. I find it best to give the person nothing and refuse to participate. Then walk away.
The last time this happened a co-worker made a snide remark (with a smile of course) in front of management. I said nothing and continued talking as if I didn`t hear him. He got the message and never did it again.
You don`t need to respond with a comeback or shoot a dirty look their way. Just refuse to participate.
The last time this happened a co-worker made a snide remark (with a smile of course) in front of management. I said nothing and continued talking as if I didn`t hear him. He got the message and never did it again.
You don`t need to respond with a comeback or shoot a dirty look their way. Just refuse to participate.
But all human relations its like an exchange of energy some people generate there own. Others give it. others take it etc..
voices ca**y
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Originally Posted by zjw
yeah silent run its possible but his suggestions are not well thought out and such. Maybe he means well. I could probably argue it with him and he'd tell me i was just being negative and that sometimes you have to go through hard stuff in life to improve your circumstances lol as if i dunno this. Sometimes you gotta be careful not to bite off more then you can chew too which is my point its a delicate balance and I dont think he realizes all the various things that play into this kind of decision for me.
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Originally Posted by silentrun
Have you considered that he might just be an idiot?
yes actually I have. I do often wonder if he's just an arrogant idiot who got lucky in life. I just try and be kind and not think this lol.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
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Oh goodness no. We would never want to be unkind in our minds 
Well, only to ourselves but never other people.
I was using Hanlon's razor:
”Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity
It's a specialized version Occam's razor. " Occam's razor states that, assuming equal explanatory power, the simplest solution (formally, the one with fewest assumptions) should be preferred. Assuming intent is a pretty big assumption, but we all know that (other) people are idiots. The razor is most often invoked in the context of trying to refute a conspiracy theory: where a conspiracy is perceived, with no other evidence available, it is more likely to be ineptitude or apathy than malice that results in the problem."
I used it because you said "he thinks" so I knew you were making a pretty big assumption.
Well, only to ourselves but never other people.I was using Hanlon's razor:
”Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity
It's a specialized version Occam's razor. " Occam's razor states that, assuming equal explanatory power, the simplest solution (formally, the one with fewest assumptions) should be preferred. Assuming intent is a pretty big assumption, but we all know that (other) people are idiots. The razor is most often invoked in the context of trying to refute a conspiracy theory: where a conspiracy is perceived, with no other evidence available, it is more likely to be ineptitude or apathy than malice that results in the problem."
I used it because you said "he thinks" so I knew you were making a pretty big assumption.
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yea its as if you think the other person is thinking out there talking points and having a well thought out dialog with you in reality there just making conversation and could care less which is probably more the reality here.
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Originally Posted by zjw
yea its as if you think the other person is thinking out there talking points and having a well thought out dialog with you in reality there just making conversation and could care less which is probably more the reality here.
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Yeah I agree with Scott,
I get that alot lately like people think I'm crazy or something, trying to get in their head, trying to figure out their game or what makes them "tick" so to speak. In the end I could have a million different scenarios and a ton of defenses ready for this person,
The whole time they might just be thinking nonsense, or whats worse,
they already know I'm doing that and are just loving making me squirm. So in the end I just stop caring, its not easy though for me at all because sometimes I care too much about what people think and then I think that if I don't care what people think, then I somehow don't care about them or the people they are related to, i.e whoever this person is related to that you care about etc.
I get that alot lately like people think I'm crazy or something, trying to get in their head, trying to figure out their game or what makes them "tick" so to speak. In the end I could have a million different scenarios and a ton of defenses ready for this person,
The whole time they might just be thinking nonsense, or whats worse,
they already know I'm doing that and are just loving making me squirm. So in the end I just stop caring, its not easy though for me at all because sometimes I care too much about what people think and then I think that if I don't care what people think, then I somehow don't care about them or the people they are related to, i.e whoever this person is related to that you care about etc.
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Judgmental, rude people really bring me down. And a Family Get Together should be a pleasant, enjoyable event. I avoid people like that at all costs, cuz im trying to feel good about myself and continue sobriety. U sound like a Good Person to me. Forget that person, not worth the headache. Buy them a cheap mirror to take a good look at themselves. Lol...
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I avoid people like that at all costs, cuz im trying to feel good about myself and continue sobriety.
so to me avoidance is a strategy if it has to be.
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zjw,
i find it challenging to be or get or stay detached from such talk. regardless of whether the intent really is to put me down or "just" thoughtlessly focusing on improvements they think i could/should make.
what often works for me is to take the wind out of their sails with a simple: "you might be right there." or "yeah, that could well be so."
it leaves them with nothing really to grab onto except repeating, and then i can just say yeah, could be.
it doesn't give them or what they're saying any more "power".
i find it challenging to be or get or stay detached from such talk. regardless of whether the intent really is to put me down or "just" thoughtlessly focusing on improvements they think i could/should make.
what often works for me is to take the wind out of their sails with a simple: "you might be right there." or "yeah, that could well be so."
it leaves them with nothing really to grab onto except repeating, and then i can just say yeah, could be.
it doesn't give them or what they're saying any more "power".
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Originally Posted by fini
zjw,
i find it challenging to be or get or stay detached from such talk. regardless of whether the intent really is to put me down or "just" thoughtlessly focusing on improvements they think i could/should make.
i find it challenging to be or get or stay detached from such talk. regardless of whether the intent really is to put me down or "just" thoughtlessly focusing on improvements they think i could/should make.
It comes with a lot of practice. Over time I've learned not to put myself in situations which experience has shown often end
in an argument.
I try and keep things cordial with family, in-laws, co-workers, neighbors and AA members by giving the relationship a certain amount of space.
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Originally Posted by fini
...
what often works for me is to take the wind out of their sails with a simple: "you might be right there." or "yeah, that could well be so." it leaves them with nothing really to grab onto except repeating, and then i can just say yeah, could be.
it doesn't give them or what they're saying any more "power".
what often works for me is to take the wind out of their sails with a simple: "you might be right there." or "yeah, that could well be so." it leaves them with nothing really to grab onto except repeating, and then i can just say yeah, could be.
it doesn't give them or what they're saying any more "power".
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
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I use either humor or avoidance mostly. There are some people at work that engage in fear mongering which is one of my hot spots. I don't want to hear it so instead of calling them out I just avoid them. A couple I have had to convince I am crazy (not that hard for me) so they will avoid me. Rhyming your words seems to do the trick...so does talking like you are in the matrix. I don't know if that healthy or not. I am pretty happy though so there is that. If all else fails just remember:
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Originally Posted by fini
zjw,
i find it challenging to be or get or stay detached from such talk. regardless of whether the intent really is to put me down or "just" thoughtlessly focusing on improvements they think i could/should make.
what often works for me is to take the wind out of their sails with a simple: "you might be right there." or "yeah, that could well be so."
it leaves them with nothing really to grab onto except repeating, and then i can just say yeah, could be.
it doesn't give them or what they're saying any more "power".
i find it challenging to be or get or stay detached from such talk. regardless of whether the intent really is to put me down or "just" thoughtlessly focusing on improvements they think i could/should make.
what often works for me is to take the wind out of their sails with a simple: "you might be right there." or "yeah, that could well be so."
it leaves them with nothing really to grab onto except repeating, and then i can just say yeah, could be.
it doesn't give them or what they're saying any more "power".
When responding to the schooling I just explained its a lot of years of education and a lot of money in student loans for a field Í'm not even sure I want to remain in so it might not make a lot of sense.
This person oddly left it at that. I was driving at the time so I couldnt pay attention to facial expressions and such who knows coulda been rolling there eyes at me for all i know oh well. lol.
But I think most would agree 6 kids to raise a busy schedule as is and to huck in schooling and student loans to pay for it for 2-6 years?? to attain some more skills to help me in the field i'm in that I dont want to be in for a job that may or may not be there and if it is may or may not be secure. I'd be gambling a lot of time away from my kids and a lot of money on a big what if!
I've pondered changing carreers all together the story is the same for some ideas i have lots of education and loans ahead of me. Not sure I got the stomach to do it at this point.
So I just sit arond and try to be content with how things are.
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I think with family (that are not downright abusive) a certain amount of grace needs to be given. I took the stance that they are trying to help - however misguided. Family members especially offer unsolicited advice. However, that said - I don't give people anything to "help" me with these days. I don't discuss i.e. complain about stuff about which I don't want advice.
I instinctively want to help people who complain or who appear unhappy. I think it's human nature to want to help someone else when they express an area of their life in which they are struggling.
Hence these forums.
I instinctively want to help people who complain or who appear unhappy. I think it's human nature to want to help someone else when they express an area of their life in which they are struggling.
Hence these forums.
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Originally Posted by biminiblue
I think with family (that are not downright abusive) a certain amount of grace needs to be given. I took the stance that they are trying to help - however misguided. Family members especially offer unsolicited advice. However, that said - I don't give people anything to "help" me with these days. I don't discuss i.e. complain about stuff about which I don't want advice.
I instinctively want to help people who complain or who appear unhappy. I think it's human nature to want to help someone else when they express an area of their life in which they are struggling.
Hence these forums.
I instinctively want to help people who complain or who appear unhappy. I think it's human nature to want to help someone else when they express an area of their life in which they are struggling.
Hence these forums.
!" when in reality there could be all sorts of things going wrong. My mom uses this same appraoch with her parents the set of grandparents i have issues with. She simply just doesnt want to hear it so as far as her parents are concerned her life is just great. It drives me crazy at times that my mom will do this but whatever I might be the crazier one lol.
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The interesting thing about this tactic is that it stops me complaining. There is really no benefit in complaining. I wish the word "venting" would be struck from the American language. It keeps me stuck in my problems instead of grateful for my blessings.
I really don't have anything about which to complain, but if it were a more accepted behavior, I think I'd probably complain more. It's part of my lower self, the undertow. Since the law of the Universe does not like negativity, or disharmony, I am more aligned with my own life force when I don't dwell on the negative. The consequence of this law of nature is a happier me, and happier people who interact with me. It changes my experience of life.
I really don't have anything about which to complain, but if it were a more accepted behavior, I think I'd probably complain more. It's part of my lower self, the undertow. Since the law of the Universe does not like negativity, or disharmony, I am more aligned with my own life force when I don't dwell on the negative. The consequence of this law of nature is a happier me, and happier people who interact with me. It changes my experience of life.
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biminiblue I think i've grown a lot and complain less then I once did but the idea of just not complaining at all still gets me. Its almost like some can seem oblivious to the problems they may have. and at times I"m pretty oblivious to mine. IE just not focused on them etc.. But sooner or later I gotta face them and theres always that part of me going GRRRRRR.
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