SeekingNewMe

I'm sitting at work in a terrible cloud of desperate fear, fighting tears all day.. I just can't seem to stop the downward spiral. My violent outbursts are terrifying, I will not will not will not drink today, and I know I will feel marginally better tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow until I will be at it again. I'm going to die soon.. I am so terrified. No one in my life knows anything about this - my husband might suspect, but he knows that if he found out for sure he'd leave me, so he doesn't ask.

This is such a waste of my life - I just want to stop desperately. I'm in counseling with an EAP person, and she's very supportive. I asked her if I could continue with her after my 5 free sessions are up - nope, I have to basically start over with someone new. Why do they do that.

I can't do inpatient although I fear that's what I need at this point. Intensive OP in evenings/weekends seems like a possible option.

Alcohol has robbed me of all my self esteem, any joy, any interests, my life is so tiny right now. I'm killing myself slowly and I just want to badly to be free and live an honest life of integrity. I'm barely functional now. I just feel so hopeless - I've been doing this for 20 years, with 2 stints of quitting for 30 days and that's it. My last quit attempt was April/May, I had 23 days and I felt great. But as always - I can't fathom a life without it, so back I went and spiraled right back down.

The sheer terror is the worst part. Just this all consuming fear, that is like all the demons in hell being after me, and only I can see them.

please say a prayer for me. I'm going to start really working this time.

SNM

advbike

Sounds like you need to be honest with your husband and go into rehab, if you can't do it on your own. It's ridiculous to say you "can't do inpatient" when your life and everything in it is now at risk. Have you tried AA? That was the first step I made when I was desperate and couldn't quit. The support is awesome. Alcohol will also increase your fear and anxiety after long term use, and many times our alcoholic brain is making statements like "he will leave me" when in fact that isn't the case at all.

gonzo51511

yes I know in my experience something clicked that I truly never wanted to drink again and I knew I needed help to stop. fortunately I didn't need to go to a detox center somehow. I was a very heavy drinker for many years but only suffered the shakes towards the end. I know that if not for going to AA I never would have stopped. ive only been sober for two months but I am definitely feeling a lot better. the urge to drink seems to be removed at this point and I am grateful for that. as far as fear I definitely experience that on a daily basis. but with working with my sponsor and learning how to pray that seems to stay at bay as well. I only really get worked up when I start thinking to much and get in my own head.. which is a very dangerous place for me to be... good luck and keep up the good fight

gonzo51511

id also like to add what a great site this is. I just stumbled upon it a couple days ago and am loving it. so many great comments from so many great people

entropy1964

I know your desperation. So this may sound weird, but maybe that's a good thing? Maybe you're done. Maybe you're ready. I read so many posts here of people who are on the fence, and know they will relapse because drinking still 'works' on some level. In a weird way I get jealous...that's crazy I know. But you sound about like me....on the precipice of losing everything. The great part? You don't have to feel this way again. You stop drinking, one day at a time. And you really do have to do whatever it takes. If that means treatment, than that's what you do. AA is great too, especially when you don't have a firm plan or direction. You're in a room with a whole bunch of folks who know exactly how you're feeling. Can't hurt. I hope you find the strength to quit and give yourself enough time to start seeing light at the end of the tunnel. Its there, I assure you.

I understand the partner in denial thing. But truly, if you keep drinking that will probably end the relationship at some point. Maybe its time to get honest. You can do this if you really want to.

Notimetoloose

SNM..It will get better and this is a great place for support, we are here for you.

The first couple of weeks are tough, remember HALT. hungry, angry, lonely, tired...These are all triggers, especially in the early weeks.

It is important that you take care of yourself...sobriety first...

After the 5 sessions, perhaps look at other alternatives..SMART meetings..AA..
In the secular section of this site there is some really valuable information on RR and AVRT...They can really help you get a handle on your addictive voice AV.

Good luck .

Carver

I understand your desperation, cos I was there 75 days ago.

You want to get sober? Then do the detox, go too AA, or a SMART meeting, post here often, get a sponsor. It takes work and commitment, but it can be done. We're here for you, and we've all been there

Consider owning up to your husband. Admitting it to myself and another person was all it took to get help.

Soberwolf

How are you MNS sending prayers

AnonSara

Desperation is what led me to the final willingness I needed to be able to change. I would not have been able to do this without being honest and open with others in my life that could help me. Best wishes to you. You deserve a better life.

Dee74

hows it going seekingnewme?

Soberwolf

My apologies on getting your name wrong in my last post

SeekingNewMe

I'm touched by all the support here - thank you so much. I had 24 days starting on Sept 15th.. and haven't managed to string together more than a few days starting Canadian Thanksgiving. To be honest, I am really thinking I will die a drunk. Every time I drink it gets harder to stop, harder to tolerate the anxiety and night horrors, all over body aches.
This is my first day sober in about 3 weeks, but I will not drink today.

Thanks again. It must be frustrating to read the litanies of people like me who just can't seem to get out of their own way.

SNM

Hevyn

SNM - Most of us have felt just like you at one time or another. It means a lot to be able to encourage each other - we want you to talk things over here. It really helps to know we aren't alone. No reason why you should settle for all that misery. You can get free.

fini

you're really thinking you will die a drunk but you won't go to inpatient?
you still think you can do this on your own?
just wondering what that's about, SNM/

your name...i'd imagine it means something to you; you picked it for a reason. you want different, better.

go do what you need to do to get help.

leviathan

I was in that position, and it stinks. You deserve freedom and peace. When I was there I just couldn't imagine life without drinking. It took a couple months for the full effect to kick in and then EVERY single aspect of my life got better. If you have the means, entertain the thought of throwing in the towel and going to rehab. I would have chosen to do it sooner than I did in retrospect, but I was just not capable of seeing how good things would end up once I was free.

All those wasted days and sleepless, fear-drenched nights... All those days of hiding in plain sight... I can now thank myself for being bold enough to surrender and then fix it. Asking for help was the hardest good decision I ever made.

I hope your pain ends soon.