Notes for tomorrow..
 

This was hopefully my last night practicing for a while. I wanted to commit a few thoughts to refer back to in 18 hours when I'm fighting myself.

So hey you,, you went out tonight, begrudgingly, because of the feeling of a lack of anything else to do and the desire for company. Right? Remember that?

10 minutes after you were there, seated next to the same 5 people you've wasted 5 years of liver tissue sitting next to... you didn't even want to be there. and you stayed for 90. They are acquaintances, not friends, and all but one are problem drinkers or worse themselves. And one of them you can't even stand being around anymore.

Can you talk to any of them about anything that really matters? No. Not a chance. These are not friends. These are time killers. An excuse to do your thing in the guise of "Not being Alone"..

Guess what. If your world is defined by these people, you are alone.

Avoid them. Go away. Do your own thing. You wont hear from them. And that's a good thing.

You wasted 5 years building dysfunction because of a poison. So you built nothing. When you say to yourself.. I will be alone for a year before it gets better.. it sounds awful.. and insurmountable.. But if you had done that 5 years ago you'd be 4 years past it.

What a vile substance that it can delude you into thinking the only way you can ever be happy is to continue a lifestyle that dictates you will be miserable... and to kill yourself slowly.

Lay on the couch. Eat something. Yes it's and you and 4 walls. Today. And yes tomorrow. And yeah let's be realistic, next week and whatever.. But not forever. Unless you don't stop. Then forever is just around the corner.

never underestimate what this year might bring Roy :)

I thought sober life would be boring and joyless, lonely and sad.

It wasn't at all - it took some adjustment sure and the transition phase was hard - but no harder than trying to 'drink successfully'

D

^^^^^^^^

I found out I was so wrong when I believed quitting drinking meant my fun was over.

It took hard work and being uncomfortable for a while, but it was well worth it because that was when my life began.

I'm going to get through day 1. There is no more drinking successfully for me, it was turning into drink, work hungover, drink, work hungover, drink, drink, drink. Rinse Repeat. There is no life there and I know it, I just haven't been able to choose the other side permanently (yet).

1 day down.

It's such a horrible way to "live", drinking, going to work hungover, drinking more. Tonight I was sitting in my living room enjoying my home (nothing fancy!), feeling such deep contentment. Because I don't drink. Congrats on your Day 1! Keep going it is SO worth it.

I never got into the stool riding scene. Too expensive. I liked to drink in the great outdoors.

There's a bar in my neighborhood though that seems to break even by serving the same 5 people all day long. They just sit there and suck. Old school brooklynites. You can't turn the volume up on the World Series in there because some who is on his fifth 7 dollar glass of whiskey needs to blast Bruce Springsteen. These tubby stool riders, like an episode of cheers, but weird, insular, inarticulate meat head ramblings.

You come in, sit among them, and they don't even look at you. You don't even register for these salts of the earth and the bartender who can't do anything beyond mix gin and tonic together. Oh, the bartender! Those confessional saints! Tip the bartender! You don't know how hard that is!