Yellowyellow

I really think I have something in my brain or physiology that reacts badly to alcohol. In recovery, you are told that even if you stop for a few years then drink again, the disease process picks up right where it left off. I have found this to be true. I had a head injury as a young child, and other injuries, emotional issues, and upsets along the way. I don't know if I process alcohol differently than most people, tho I suspect I do. I become a totally different person. Not violent or abusive, but ahem...morally...This is what disturbed me the most. I drank in my 20s and when I got help for my depression at 30, I quit drinking for 15 years. Then I started drinking socially, and gradually over time got "attached" again. Then it started spiraling out of control again. I knew it was bad for my health, so over a year ago I hit rock bottom and decided to stop doing things to hurt myself. I have done great for the most part, but have drank a few times. Each time the morals slip a little more, till last time (2 nights ago) I surprised myself even while I was doing what I was doing. I feel so crazy, depraved, dirty. (I did not hurt anyone, it was all virtual stuff) It really scares me that these desires are in me to come out when I lose control. That's why I say alcohol is poison to me. I don't want to ever touch it again.

silentrun

Welcome YellowYellow. I react badly to it too. It shuts down some of your executive functions and can make a person act out of character. Congratulations on calling enough.

FLCamper

I think a lot of us have done things that we regret. Good for you for realizing that and putting on the brakes.

sleepie

You'll be alright yellowyellow, you have identified the problem. Definitely we have all lost our inhibitions while drinking from time to time.
Just stay away from alcohol and you're on the right track.

Dee74

I think many of us have indulged in behaviour drunk that we never would sober.

If you want it to be, you can consign all that to the past permanently yellowyellow

D

D122y

Congrats on pulling out of the death spiral.

15 years sober and a relapse....

That is enlightening. Did not think that was possible.

Thank you for sharing that.

D122y

Curious...

Don't elaborate if it is too much, but what is virtual dirty stuff?

Posting nude pics on insta?

Tooshabby

(((yellowyellow)))

Try not to worry about it. Like you say, you didn't hurt anyone. 15 years is amazing! You obviously have more than enough of what it takes :-)

Tooshabby

This is just a suggestion but if I was you I would hesitate to answer that question, Yellow. I'm kind of glad you asked it though D122y because I have just got several really good belly laughs out of it. You gotta laugh, eh? Are we the only species that gets embarrassed about our sexuality? I think so......

:-)

Dee74

I don't see that we need details in order to help and give support, guys.

D

Tooshabby

I don't want details!! I just thought it was funny D122 even asked the question and am trying to reiterate that yellow needn't feel bad about anything. I basically said 'don't answer' in a nice way, I hope. It's important for me to clarify.

NestWasEmpty

Yellowyellow Don't get too down on yourself . That Poison made me brake a lot of my morals whilst in the blur of it's Power over me . The way I handle it or deal with it . To tell myself I was not in my right mind, alcohol changed the person I was . The thing to remember though .* In my opinion* When we decide to pick up ( knowing ) it will make us do things that are wrong . We are still accountable for are actions .
In other words we can't play the pity card " Oh I was drunk there for - I didn't know what I was doing " We did know before we picked up . That's why we can not ever again . I so wish I was better with words Hope you got something out of this

Fluffer

Try not to get too down on yourself with the shame thing, yellow. I think most of us have done things of which we are not proud as a result of the depraving poison alcohol. Shame is most definitely not going to help you recover.

Soberwolf

Glad you found us Yellow

Yellowyellow

Just flirting and talking about sexual stuff in a chatroom. What's more...I'm not gay and I was hitting on women! lol
I get really amorous when drunk. At the bar I go around kissing all the men. lol
I told myself to stay off the internet while drinking, didn't work.

Yellowyellow

It's a long story, but to make it short. During those sober years I had kids to raise, got remarried, had a baby, got divorced, had to take care of business. I was so busy I never thought about drinking. But as I said, it very slowly crept back into my life. Insidious stuff.

Add: Any my older kids were grown by then and I'd drink with them...one thing led to another...

D122y

studying this...without argument this is the best read for anyone concerned about their issues w alcohol....

The text of Alcoholics Anonymous

Yellowyellow

I agree. I believe that is what makes me an alcoholic. I LET it take over me. Even after knowing what I'm capable of while drunk! Thank you for the wise words.

fini

you did hurt someone, Yellow; you hurt yourself.
being unable to be i line with my own values was hurtful and painful to me, anyway.

good to see you.

Fly N Buy

Yellow, shame is definitely part of the wake up call into a new way of life. It take different forms for sure, but it's common in many of our stories. The good news is you're not alone, you didn't invent anything new - I promise. And, you never have to feel it again.

Change starts with staying sober as we know - all of our moral judgement then gets better.

Thanks for the topic, you've helped others by bringing this up