Anna

Zen, you said that you were a better person when you don't drink. I understand that you are managing your life now, but why would you not want to be the best person you could be? Is alcohol so important to you?

PasserbyDave

It's so, so, so damn hard to stop. At least it always has been for me, too. It can be done though. You do have to be able to deal with that insistent slimy little voice inside your head that keeps telling you it's okay to have just one drink, you've worked hard, you deserve it, no one will know anyway, and you can just stop later. That AV really does have a life of its own, well - I could go on and on but I put all this in my article (see Blogs).

brynn

It's really good to see you, zen!

dwtbd

Hey zen, good to "see" you, wish you well and hope to see you around

fini

zenchaser,
good to see you.
and it's good you know that BP wasn't your thing after all.
it means you can give serious consideration to what avenue(s) you will pursue instead.
process of elimination.
are you an alcoholic? i don't know. for myself, repeated failures at keeping to my absolutely committed decision to not drink again finally brought me the clarity of truth.

kittycat3

I hope you decide to stop, you deserve better!

FLCamper

Zen: good for you for loving your children and getting up at 4:30am to go to work to support them. I get up that early most of the time - and it feels a whole lot better when I didn't drink the night before :-)

breath

For years I started my Friday night buying my weekend supply of booze and telling myself this was the last weekend; it never worked...

Then I sought the support of others like me who had found a plan of recovery; I wanted what they had and knew that future pledge I made each Friday was insanity.

I followed that path of recovery by taking that first step- STOPPING- and taking it One Day At A TIme. Soon I lost the obsession, kept vigilant and have found a new peace, a new happiness... and Serenity.

doggonecarl

Same for me. My failure to quit after I vowed to quit for good was insightful, as was the struggle to stay quit. But in hindsight, my inability to even commit in the first place should have told me all I needed to know about my drinking.

Wholesome

Thanks for welcoming me back folks!

My relationship with alcohol is complicated. And I really don't like being told what to do, even by myself. A Big Plan just seems so final and black and white. I guess I'm just not ready to make that kind of commitment. Or at least I don't feel like my problem is so great that it needs to demand that. Or maybe I'm kidding myself? I'm sure that many of you would think that I am. I'm still stuck in the "I can control it, damnit!" stage.

I think I'm bad for comparing myself to others who I see as being worse than I am..... the illogical part of that is that I don't compare myself up against non drinkers because then I might have to feel like I'm doing something wrong right? I also measure myself by the fact that I have a decent job and own things and have happy nice kids and a boyfriend who's one of the good ones.

There have been times where my drinking was a LOT worse than it is right now..... after I got divorced and I was so lonely and licking my wounds from that. After my nephew died. Last summer when I was laid up on the couch everyday, I was drinking everyday before noon. But I've always been able to check myself. I never really let it go though.

The truth is that I can't actually envision myself as a non drinker. I've been partying since I was 13. I don't actually want to put in the work required to recreate my life..... too much work and I don't want to be lonely because I won't have any friends I can hang with, or go to meetings and cry and dig up my trauma. And honestly when the cravings get bad I fold like a cheap suit. Every time. It seems easier to just accept that this is who I am.

Sorry this is more like a diary entry lol!

EndGameNYC

By becoming honest with myself.

Some people claim that they've always been honest with themselves, even while they were drinking. For me, this was an inherent contradiction and an act of bad faith that was not worth the "learning experience."

ScottFromWI

I've got to hand it to you, you hit just about every possible cliche/excuse/denial statement/argument against you being an alcoholic there is. Not saying that to belittle you, most of us used some or all of them many times in our lives too.

I think the thing that stands out the most is the fact that you "just aren't ready to make a committment" yet. Until you are able to do that, none of the rest of it really matters to be honest.

Wholesome

Yeah I have no defense. It's true and why I've been away from the site for the last month or so. I'm not ready. However I've still been coming on and reading.

ScottFromWI

There's a pretty strong contradiction there. You aren't ready to stop drinking, but you are willingly participating in a sobriety forum. Could it be that maybe you ARE ready but you just can't get up the nerve/motivation to actually quit? Try going back and reading some of your old posts if you haven't already...drinking has caused you some major grief over the years since you've been here.

Do you really want to wait until things get really bad before you are "ready'? You have been here long enough to know what can happen so I won't bother repeating any of it...just think about it for a while.

EndGameNYC

There were many times while I was drinking with other people when I was drawn to the sadness I saw in their eyes, even with (or perhaps, because of) all the trappings of having a "good time." I eventually (and reluctantly) acknowledged that their sadness reflected my own, that they were seeing the same thing in me. Even then, it took some time for me -- and some serious self-destruction -- to put down the drink.

You've commented that you're many more things than just someone who struggles with alcohol. And so it was with me. But those things meant nothing, and I hardly excelled at them or even gave them any meaningful attention, until I got sober. Just a bunch of empty, wishful fantasies about who I was and what I could accomplish "if I really wanted to."

The clock does run out, and the fare must eventually be paid. When that happens is up to each of us.

Wholesome

You are a very insightful and intelligent man. What you said about being drawn to another's sadness I actually pictured one particular friends eyes. It is an intricate web that I'm entrapped in..... not easily unspun.

The reason I keep hanging out on here is that this place gives me hope and inspires me. I admire all you people who have broken through. It keeps me grounded even if I keep one foot out the door.

ScottFromWI

Admire yourself then because you have done so too. There is no "inevitability" to addiction...you hold the keys to the car so to speak.

PurpleKnight

Everyone's welcome Zen!!

EndGameNYC

I didn't mean to suggest that you shouldn't participate here or be involved in any way. That's none of my business. It's a good thing that you're staying close.

There are many ways to offer support. There have been people who've stormed off because they didn't like what they got. They then return, only to storm off again for the same reason. That's always going to happen. Whether or not we consider alcoholism a disease, we're still talking about a deadly condition, the consequences of which can harm or damage other people, even when we think we're okay with it.

No one should have to go through the things that any of us have put ourselves through. And certainly not more than once.

fini

The truth is that I can't actually envision myself as a non drinker. I've been partying since I was 13. I don't actually want to put in the work required to recreate my life..... too much work and I don't want to be lonely because I won't have any friends I can hang with, or go to meetings and cry and dig up my trauma. And honestly when the cravings get bad I fold like a cheap suit. Every time. It seems easier to just accept that this is who I am.
ah; i misunderstood. i didn't realize you were actually making decisions that you don't want to really "work" at what this will require. oh yes, it's easier to just stay with the easier drinking.
except:
except that in the end, when it came right down to it, i couldn't ever really accept myself that way. accept myself as in : i'm just fine with myself being a drinking drunk.

you're not defenceless.
deciding not to do the work (no matter by which route) is not equivalent to being without defence.

i got to that spot several times. i'd shrug at another failure and decide not to try again. keeping on drinking was an easier "fail" than rallying again for another "try" and facing THAT failure again.

it wasn't really about wanting to keep drinking as much as i at times felt too hopeless to try again.

yet, try again and again i did.

it's doable. by you, too.