yet another thread...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
yet another thread...
Hi fellow sobers. Thanks for putting up with my many threads. You have really gotten me this far. Thanks!
I am due for another taper of valium tomorrow. down to 2 mg from 10 altogether now, I started months ago. What I take now seems so little it doesn't even take the edge off. I am afraid for what happens when I no longer take any at all. Those of you who suffer anxiety know what I mean!
Today I said to my boyfriend "Well if I have a couple beers every 2 months that's not bad at all is it?" He agreed. But I decided against it. Though it's a red flag that I discussed it.
And the worry and the sadness. I just cannot believe that my life will be better. I foresee health issues, financial issues along with those, a shortened lifespan and it seems bleak.
I will be at 8 weeks as of Saturday. I was looking at my calendar and all the non drinking days crossed off. That would have meant something to me awhile back but it doesn't now. I've been an anxious mess since I quit. It seems like I only quit a week ago. I don't feel as if I have accomplished anything.
Well guys, sorry for another bummer post... but you can always utilize the ignore button if you're over it...
I wish there was an "Ignore" for my life...!
I am due for another taper of valium tomorrow. down to 2 mg from 10 altogether now, I started months ago. What I take now seems so little it doesn't even take the edge off. I am afraid for what happens when I no longer take any at all. Those of you who suffer anxiety know what I mean!
Today I said to my boyfriend "Well if I have a couple beers every 2 months that's not bad at all is it?" He agreed. But I decided against it. Though it's a red flag that I discussed it.
And the worry and the sadness. I just cannot believe that my life will be better. I foresee health issues, financial issues along with those, a shortened lifespan and it seems bleak.
I will be at 8 weeks as of Saturday. I was looking at my calendar and all the non drinking days crossed off. That would have meant something to me awhile back but it doesn't now. I've been an anxious mess since I quit. It seems like I only quit a week ago. I don't feel as if I have accomplished anything.
Well guys, sorry for another bummer post... but you can always utilize the ignore button if you're over it...
I wish there was an "Ignore" for my life...!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: illinois
Posts: 907
I would bet money that you will be way less anxious in general when the taper is done and your system finds its even keel.
While we have been told along the way that alcohol and benzos treat anxiety, it turns out they do just the opposite.
I thought I could NEVER live without SOMETHING to take the edge off. Without the toxic twins (alc/benzos) my edge faded away.
While we have been told along the way that alcohol and benzos treat anxiety, it turns out they do just the opposite.
I thought I could NEVER live without SOMETHING to take the edge off. Without the toxic twins (alc/benzos) my edge faded away.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: California, USA
Posts: 277
I'm also on a course of benzos that my doctor gave me to help with the withdrawal. Mine is very short, though, just enough for 24 days if I only take one per day. I'm allowed up to three.
I think there's a lot of relearning and reprogramming that we have to do as a part of recovery. The old ways of doing things don't make sense anymore. There's a sense of grief and then a time for rebuilding our lives in a way that makes sense for us as sober people. It seems like a daunting task but it can and must be done. Those that have trod this path keep telling me that it is worth it in ways I couldn't imagine right now. I'm going to take them at their word. We can do this.
I think there's a lot of relearning and reprogramming that we have to do as a part of recovery. The old ways of doing things don't make sense anymore. There's a sense of grief and then a time for rebuilding our lives in a way that makes sense for us as sober people. It seems like a daunting task but it can and must be done. Those that have trod this path keep telling me that it is worth it in ways I couldn't imagine right now. I'm going to take them at their word. We can do this.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 626
As far as tapering goes, it sounds as if you're on a good plan. And I know it seems like nothing but it's helping more than you think.
Good job on 8 weeks. I feel you on the anxiety and being bummed. I think it's just part of the process. I also feel bad posting when I'm down but hey? That's what this site is for!
Take care!
Good job on 8 weeks. I feel you on the anxiety and being bummed. I think it's just part of the process. I also feel bad posting when I'm down but hey? That's what this site is for!
Take care!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
Thanks guys 
As far as being a bummer I am afraid that may be my permanent setting, as another form of anxiety.
I was an anxious kid...
So I have been told that benzos eventually contribute to anxiety. Though if this has been a lifelong problem I am not sure where that leaves me.
If I could live the way I wanted/needed to then I'd be quite a bit better.
Which leads me to believe I am ALL wrong for life here in the states.
As far as being a bummer I am afraid that may be my permanent setting, as another form of anxiety.
I was an anxious kid...
So I have been told that benzos eventually contribute to anxiety. Though if this has been a lifelong problem I am not sure where that leaves me.
If I could live the way I wanted/needed to then I'd be quite a bit better.
Which leads me to believe I am ALL wrong for life here in the states.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Essex
Posts: 411
Take heart Sleepie, and congratulations on your soon to be 8 weeks.
Noticed this in your post "If I could live the way I wanted/needed to then I'd be quite a bit better". What would that look like?
When I first got sober I had similar thoughts to you and would identify with the struggles you describe. A counsellor who was supporting me post-rehab suggested all that needed to happen, was to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Nothing fancy, just that. And I could do that.
So every morning, I'd get up, have a good cry because the day was just so ominous, and then work up to 'doing the door thing' - i.e. getting out the front door to make my way to work. Every day for around 8 months that's what I did (some days, no crying :-)) and after that, being able to do that consistently I applied for a different job, and got that one. That bought its own challenges, and I began to learn that everything, and everywhere, bought its own challenges, and inevitably, I bought myself along with me, to learn what needed to be learned.
Building a life has consisted of very small building blocks for me. Some experiences have been wonderful, others very challenging, and a lot in-between is just life happening. The emphasis though has been on how gradual this is, how small it begins, and how it is good to come back to that when things are tough. Simplicity works for me every time, no question.
It's also turned out to be true that the life I thought was the one I wanted and needed, wasn't how I thought it'd be once I'd attained it, and perhaps wasn't quite what I needed after all. There's a huge amount to be said of, as that wise woman said to me years ago, just putting one foot in front of the other and seeing what happens. We get to be present in our own lives that way. That's the real gift
I hope you continue sharing as honestly as you do, your honesty is refreshing, and no doubt, recovery can be a struggle and a challenge, but over time, it brings unexpected gifts our way, gifts which have turned out to be far preferable to anything I could have manufactured or wished for.
Wish you well Sleepie
Noticed this in your post "If I could live the way I wanted/needed to then I'd be quite a bit better". What would that look like?
When I first got sober I had similar thoughts to you and would identify with the struggles you describe. A counsellor who was supporting me post-rehab suggested all that needed to happen, was to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Nothing fancy, just that. And I could do that.
So every morning, I'd get up, have a good cry because the day was just so ominous, and then work up to 'doing the door thing' - i.e. getting out the front door to make my way to work. Every day for around 8 months that's what I did (some days, no crying :-)) and after that, being able to do that consistently I applied for a different job, and got that one. That bought its own challenges, and I began to learn that everything, and everywhere, bought its own challenges, and inevitably, I bought myself along with me, to learn what needed to be learned.
Building a life has consisted of very small building blocks for me. Some experiences have been wonderful, others very challenging, and a lot in-between is just life happening. The emphasis though has been on how gradual this is, how small it begins, and how it is good to come back to that when things are tough. Simplicity works for me every time, no question.
It's also turned out to be true that the life I thought was the one I wanted and needed, wasn't how I thought it'd be once I'd attained it, and perhaps wasn't quite what I needed after all. There's a huge amount to be said of, as that wise woman said to me years ago, just putting one foot in front of the other and seeing what happens. We get to be present in our own lives that way. That's the real gift
I hope you continue sharing as honestly as you do, your honesty is refreshing, and no doubt, recovery can be a struggle and a challenge, but over time, it brings unexpected gifts our way, gifts which have turned out to be far preferable to anything I could have manufactured or wished for.
Wish you well Sleepie
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
i love your posts you say what i wanted to say but never did cause i was a fool and never got any support early on.
I'd imagine the taper really stinks. But I bet the taper is good so as to not shock your system with life and all its anxieties. So while it might stink at least it doesnt stink as bad as it could stink yeah i know still crappy huh?
Yeah thinking a beer every few months is kind of a red flag. I've had those same thoughts tho its normal just dont act upon them.
I totally get it. Honestly I think this mind set is just deep depression. It was for me. I coudlnt see the good in ANYTHING. I dunno why I just didnt see it. What helped was I started to try and find something good anything i could to latch on too. After A while ( learned this lesson late) I started to realize that being greatful for what i had and such helped a lot. I used to get so mad tho because from the outside looking in my life looks like a dream it looks like I got it made in the shade and I dunno maybe i do? maybe this is what the easy life really is? I have no idea. But in my head it was and still can be at times a total nightmere. I used to get so mad that how come people with far far crummier lives then mine where ions happier then i was? I pondered that question sooooooooooooo much. I still think about it from time to time.
I was an anxious mess for a long time after i quit. there is a certain amt of my anxiety at the time that was from teh alcohol withdrawels. and there was a certain amt that was just the fact that I m an anxious person or that my life was too stressful etc..
Not to scare you but my anxiety didnt start to tone down till probably 4-6 months. and because i'm an anxious person to begin with i went from 15 on a scale of 1-10 to like 8-10 so yeah it was still tough. I think around 10 months or so that person that had been so burried inside of me from all the years of pain and booze started to peek around the corner and look to see if it was safe to come out. Sometimes coming out for a few minutes then quickly retreating. Finally that person started staying out longer and I had to figure out who the heck that person even was!
Its a process. its totally worth it. I dont ever wanna go back to the hell of drinking. Sure the idea of drinking like a normal person sounds fabulous but I know that will never happen for me.
I'd imagine the taper really stinks. But I bet the taper is good so as to not shock your system with life and all its anxieties. So while it might stink at least it doesnt stink as bad as it could stink yeah i know still crappy huh?
Yeah thinking a beer every few months is kind of a red flag. I've had those same thoughts tho its normal just dont act upon them.
And the worry and the sadness. I just cannot believe that my life will be better. I foresee health issues, financial issues along with those, a shortened lifespan and it seems bleak.
I was an anxious mess for a long time after i quit. there is a certain amt of my anxiety at the time that was from teh alcohol withdrawels. and there was a certain amt that was just the fact that I m an anxious person or that my life was too stressful etc..
Not to scare you but my anxiety didnt start to tone down till probably 4-6 months. and because i'm an anxious person to begin with i went from 15 on a scale of 1-10 to like 8-10 so yeah it was still tough. I think around 10 months or so that person that had been so burried inside of me from all the years of pain and booze started to peek around the corner and look to see if it was safe to come out. Sometimes coming out for a few minutes then quickly retreating. Finally that person started staying out longer and I had to figure out who the heck that person even was!
Its a process. its totally worth it. I dont ever wanna go back to the hell of drinking. Sure the idea of drinking like a normal person sounds fabulous but I know that will never happen for me.
under new management
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 2,339
Originally Posted by trachemys 
sleepie, as long as it helps you to come here and start threads, keep coming here starting threads! You have nothing to apologize for. We're all here for support.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 464
I go through the exact same thing every week with my wife. We discuss it and its like well if I only drink this day or if I only drink so much etc. I agree with you that its a red flag that I need to go out and talk to someone or try some deep stress-relief some way or another.
I've been having tons of anxiety lately as well and my doctor prescribed klonopin. Seeing your posts and knowing about your struggle with benzos has kept me from taking it although I want to really badly, so honestly, thank you for that.
You are almost 8 weeks and I'm on 7, we can do this! It really is horrible and the thoughts of "well at least I felt better on alcohol" are always there. What keeps me from going back to that is knowing that I'd have to start this all over again.
I had a dream the other night, a relapse one which was strangely profound. I dreamt I was drinking again, what I usually like. I felt really crappy but okay with it and was trying to make it home to my family. In the distance I could see there was a huge hill that I needed to get over but I could see my family on the other side. So I drank up my bottle and started climbing it and pretty soon the hill that seemed so small turned out to be huge and then as I slowly climbed up it became difficult, I looked at the bottle in my hand and the hill turned very steep and icy and I slid all the way down to the bottom in despair knowing I'd never get over it. I woke up heart-racing and almost in a panic. I was glad it was a dream.
I'm not sure what it truly meant but I know that alcohol has only caused me despair in the long run and its not the answer for what we are going through. We can get over this speed bump its just going to take time, we are all in this together!
I've been having tons of anxiety lately as well and my doctor prescribed klonopin. Seeing your posts and knowing about your struggle with benzos has kept me from taking it although I want to really badly, so honestly, thank you for that.
You are almost 8 weeks and I'm on 7, we can do this! It really is horrible and the thoughts of "well at least I felt better on alcohol" are always there. What keeps me from going back to that is knowing that I'd have to start this all over again.
I had a dream the other night, a relapse one which was strangely profound. I dreamt I was drinking again, what I usually like. I felt really crappy but okay with it and was trying to make it home to my family. In the distance I could see there was a huge hill that I needed to get over but I could see my family on the other side. So I drank up my bottle and started climbing it and pretty soon the hill that seemed so small turned out to be huge and then as I slowly climbed up it became difficult, I looked at the bottle in my hand and the hill turned very steep and icy and I slid all the way down to the bottom in despair knowing I'd never get over it. I woke up heart-racing and almost in a panic. I was glad it was a dream.
I'm not sure what it truly meant but I know that alcohol has only caused me despair in the long run and its not the answer for what we are going through. We can get over this speed bump its just going to take time, we are all in this together!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
Thanks guys.
On CBT, maybe- the Dr. who is supervising the taper is a psychiatrist and he recommended 2 books on OCD that may be CBT, I bet they are but I haven't bought them yet.
I'm having enough challenge paying the doctor and meds out of pocket- psychiatrists aren't cheap!
Pipefish thank you I really can understand a lot of what you have said.
Thank you Rose
and Holds that was an excellent share, dreams really can tell us what's happening inside us- I have anxiety dreams often too. It's probably for the best you declined the benzos. I hate to say it but they are the best and worst thing to happen to me. Opened my world then jacked it up.
Ringthedoorbell thanks
I know I need (a lot of us do, I know) a low stress job/ life. But that means being poor which sucks. For real poor not "I can't take that trip I wanted, buy those shoes I wanted, get that new gadget I wanted" poor- more like "I've had a broken molar and a cracked tooth for four years but my yearly eye exam is due, gosh it's October again? So if I get a payment plan I can have one or the other, which do I need more eyes or teeth?" poor. And I have been living this way well, forever. Like someone who has just gotten out of college or worse. And now I know it's because of having LD.
zjw if there is light anywhere at the end of the tunnel at least I can see if it really happens.
I was thinking of trying self hypnosis but I always just fall asleep.
On CBT, maybe- the Dr. who is supervising the taper is a psychiatrist and he recommended 2 books on OCD that may be CBT, I bet they are but I haven't bought them yet.
I'm having enough challenge paying the doctor and meds out of pocket- psychiatrists aren't cheap!
Pipefish thank you I really can understand a lot of what you have said.
Thank you Rose
and Holds that was an excellent share, dreams really can tell us what's happening inside us- I have anxiety dreams often too. It's probably for the best you declined the benzos. I hate to say it but they are the best and worst thing to happen to me. Opened my world then jacked it up. Ringthedoorbell thanks I know I need (a lot of us do, I know) a low stress job/ life. But that means being poor which sucks. For real poor not "I can't take that trip I wanted, buy those shoes I wanted, get that new gadget I wanted" poor- more like "I've had a broken molar and a cracked tooth for four years but my yearly eye exam is due, gosh it's October again? So if I get a payment plan I can have one or the other, which do I need more eyes or teeth?" poor. And I have been living this way well, forever. Like someone who has just gotten out of college or worse. And now I know it's because of having LD.
zjw if there is light anywhere at the end of the tunnel at least I can see if it really happens.
I was thinking of trying self hypnosis but I always just fall asleep.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: California
Posts: 382
Hi sleepie. I myself didn't take pills, but I did have a very bad alcohol problem. My drinking covered up my anxiety and all sorts of body pain I had. Being an overweight alcoholic really messed up my body. I know how bad anxiety can be on a person. I know when I got sober, I started learning about nutrition and how much our diet can help our body to feel better and heal. I know one really good thing to help calm the nerves naturally is taking a B complex vitamin. Stretching can also help an anxious body. Everyone is different, but it might help. Best of luck to you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
if there is light anywhere at the end of the tunnel at least I can see if it really happens.
Being sober wont make you rich tho. I guess on one hand the money your not spending on booze can be spent on something else wooptie! sorry to sound negative but I know for me it didnt solve the worlds financial problems for me.
BUT since sobering up i've made some better choices. I understand the being that broke thing. I went probably 15 years maybe more between eye exams and now that I think about it that was almost 10 years ago that i had one since. Why I just never have money for that. now i actually have eye insurance but why dont i go? Becuase I dont want to be surprised with some bill i cant afford. Dental? I have not seen a dentist since i was 13 maybe and i'm 37. At 13 i had a filling fall out and my parents never took eme to get it fixed. Its been out ever since. coudl I go back? yeah I guess I have insurance now for that too. BUT i know i'll probably need a root canal now and guess what? insruance is only gonna cover so much and I just dont have the money. Never mind the fact that i'm terrified!
Growing up i was pretty poor. For all intensive purproses I'm not that poor now. and I guess then i wasnt that poor in comparison to say some kid in a third world country. I do ok now but I'm still paycheck to paycheck *sigh*.
I have a friend of mine whom i met on this board. Sometimes we get going about our troubles and such. and one time he said to me enough of this "whats for dinner tonight lets talk about that"
He was right! I need to break the cycle of throughs in my head and so did he.
So I dunno whats for dinner tonight?
me? beans and rice I think with tomatos and cilantro and some hot sauce. But I might make some lentils too or a baked potato. big excitement
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
I have no idea zjw but probably nothing exceptionally healthy... I am not in the mood, and a girl can only take so much!
I am at another house sitting gig. Chilled wine in the refrigerator and as usual I am welcome to everything. It's swelteringly hot out here, I 'm just back from a short errand and I'm so tired and woozy. The humidity is at 55 percent but feels worse...
I knew that staying here with the temptation of booze in the place I was not going to be on my best behavior as far as diet. I won't go totally off the rails but pie is definitely going to happen.
Hi Bigguyslimm! I was taking a B complex, just ran out a few days ago. I was taking the cheapest one... I always have to wonder if the more pricey ones really do make a difference...
I am at another house sitting gig. Chilled wine in the refrigerator and as usual I am welcome to everything. It's swelteringly hot out here, I 'm just back from a short errand and I'm so tired and woozy. The humidity is at 55 percent but feels worse...
I knew that staying here with the temptation of booze in the place I was not going to be on my best behavior as far as diet. I won't go totally off the rails but pie is definitely going to happen.
Hi Bigguyslimm! I was taking a B complex, just ran out a few days ago. I was taking the cheapest one... I always have to wonder if the more pricey ones really do make a difference...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Poconos PA
Posts: 1,544
I agree with Leviathan, get off the valium. I'm fairly certain it's part of the reason you are still struggling to feel normal. You are still using a depressant every day, the sooner you truly don't put any kind of drug in your system the sooner you can heal.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
Hi Sudz! I am in the tapering process. As I said I am down to 2 mg from 10 a few months back. So it's a process. If I thought that I could power through and just go cold turkey like some here have, I would. But I know from the past that would be dangerous for me. I think in about 3 weeks or so I am done for good.
I am scared of what comes after that, I am in a support group and there are a couple people there who have been off it entirely for over a month and feel pretty awful. The physical symptoms are awful and frightening.
I am scared of what comes after that, I am in a support group and there are a couple people there who have been off it entirely for over a month and feel pretty awful. The physical symptoms are awful and frightening.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Norfolk, MA
Posts: 792
Okay Sleepie, downer alert:
Forgive me if I'm bringing up something that's already been brought up and beat to death but without Robby who knew everyone's background, I'm late to the party and am going to address what stood out really loudly from your original post.
Yes, it was a red flag that you asked about having a beer every month. What was the bigger red flag to me was who you asked. You asked someone who you knew would give you that "permission", and he did. To me, that's not support. And it's as dangerous as house sitting in a home filled with alcohol. If I had someone who was willing to give me the go ahead when I had cravings, I'd be dead. No question.
Support, to me, is agreeing that what you're going through is tough and challenging but showing pride in your success. And it's someone who hears your question about drinking a beer or two and digs into why you're thinking that way.
Support is someone who you can be your most honest with and it keeps you on your path.
Sleepie, I hope you know how much I appreciate your help and support during my last month of tremendous challenges and loss. Please give that same love back to yourself. I don't mean to sound so critical of your relationship. I just cringe when I see one very strong half of a relationship brought down by the other half who is perhaps not as strong.
Stay the course, S. You have come so far.❤️
Forgive me if I'm bringing up something that's already been brought up and beat to death but without Robby who knew everyone's background, I'm late to the party and am going to address what stood out really loudly from your original post.
Yes, it was a red flag that you asked about having a beer every month. What was the bigger red flag to me was who you asked. You asked someone who you knew would give you that "permission", and he did. To me, that's not support. And it's as dangerous as house sitting in a home filled with alcohol. If I had someone who was willing to give me the go ahead when I had cravings, I'd be dead. No question.
Support, to me, is agreeing that what you're going through is tough and challenging but showing pride in your success. And it's someone who hears your question about drinking a beer or two and digs into why you're thinking that way.
Support is someone who you can be your most honest with and it keeps you on your path.
Sleepie, I hope you know how much I appreciate your help and support during my last month of tremendous challenges and loss. Please give that same love back to yourself. I don't mean to sound so critical of your relationship. I just cringe when I see one very strong half of a relationship brought down by the other half who is perhaps not as strong.
Stay the course, S. You have come so far.❤️
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
Thanks Melissa! No that's very true, it was a red flag to me too. The reason being that I asked, but also that if I am going to drink I don't have to ask anyone's permission. I will just go and do it. We all know how to locate a cocktail no matter the circumstance, we are all quite good at that! I think I was almost wondering if he cared enough to say "Hell no!" As a drinker it's a real conflict between wanting someone to help you put the brakes on and also wanting the enabling to happen, or permission. I have been told that in the end it's all on me though, basically I make the final decision and it's not up to him to be supportive- but I would LOVE it if he was... or if he threw me a bone every now and then and lied through his teeth and just said, "Hey your skin looks good since you quit" or "You're looking good since you quit drinking".
It would be great, so great, if my boyfriend possessed the emotional maturity to dig into why I wanted a drink. He's a really sweet person with a good heart but he simply does not have that kind of depth, at least not now. He has very much done his own thing his entire life. He understands caring for and taking care of someone but he avoids all that kind of deep emotional or philosophical stuff. Asking him to do emotion is like asking me to do math!
I am glad you spoke up I also have to wonder if you just had one in a million when it came to Robby, I personally do not know any males that would dig into things that way. And thank you for reading my thread I have been thinking of you and was happy to see you here, we all love you at SR.
It would be great, so great, if my boyfriend possessed the emotional maturity to dig into why I wanted a drink. He's a really sweet person with a good heart but he simply does not have that kind of depth, at least not now. He has very much done his own thing his entire life. He understands caring for and taking care of someone but he avoids all that kind of deep emotional or philosophical stuff. Asking him to do emotion is like asking me to do math!
I am glad you spoke up
I also have to wonder if you just had one in a million when it came to Robby, I personally do not know any males that would dig into things that way. And thank you for reading my thread I have been thinking of you and was happy to see you here, we all love you at SR.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
