sleepie

Hi all
So here I am getting through week 8 of no alcohol. And the valium taper is at 3 mg down from 10 back when I started in May.
Finally I am getting a little bored and possibly ready for something more to my day. I want some sort of structure but I don't want to cross a line and take on too much. A little routine would be good. I slept somewhat normally the last few days too as the heat eased up, so maybe that helped. Tomorrow is my start date for improving my diet again, I will try and cut out all sugar and processed foods. It takes time and effort and if it wasn't for health issues I'd gladly eat whatever and just focus on not drinking, but it's really time to get serious. Sigh.
So I have a couple of little gigs where I live that keep me busy for a short time in the afternoon and morning. Aside from that I haven't much going on besides my house watching stuff. So I was thinking maybe t's time for some part time work but I don't want to get in over my head as it is very very easy to go back to drinking and also I am a little weird with the valium taper and honestly afraid of what will happen when I am finally completely off it.

So suggestions for routine? I know that volunteer work will be a suggestion but I don't want to right now because my heart wouldn't be in it. I'm still sorting through my feelings as far as never having had anyone care for me, when I needed it most, as a kid etc. So I don't want to help others until I really feel it. Trust me it's best when my heart is in something, not when I am forcing myself to do something.

I haven't even showered with regularity for months. I get really down sometimes and just feel that getting my small obligations seen to is all I can do. But I think I am ready to up it a little notch.

sleepie

sorry about the title, I was unable to post so I did a test then edited it.

Mags1

Hi sleepie, firstly congratulations on week 8, brilliant acheivement.

A routine, you say. I was just writing in a thread and someone said about planning meals out for the week. Have you or do you plan ahead for meals? It's a small step but has a routine, of sorts!

All the best and keep up the good work, sleepie.x

otter

Hey Sleepie,

First let me say your posts are sounding much more optimistic. Please keep going down this road. I'm certainly not a doctor but can tell you're doing better.

If you want my advice (my humble advice) I'd start a workout program at this point. Not saying you need to PX90 or jump into a weight lifting program. Just set a regiment for yourself that you can handle that involves jogging, speed walking, sit ups, push ups etc.

Exercise does wonders for the mind and body.

If you feel you need some support that will help you keep on track look to meetup.com for groups, co-workers, friends or simply walk out the door and talk to someone. I know you mentioned you're having financial issues but the local YMCA or gym have classes morning noon and night if you can fit it in.

Go to the local library and look at the bulletin board for things going on. Maybe they need somebody to put books back on the shelves after hours. Not mind numbing but relaxing and peaceful plus you have access to all the reading you'll ever want.

I don't know where you live so I can't offer more than general advice but the first step is walking out the door asking and looking.

Keep it up Sleepie, you're an inspiration to all of us watching you progress.

Soberwolf

Sleepie you are Awesome

sleepie

Thanks guys.
I was thinking of trying for 30 minutes walking a day. Now that it's not upper 80's 90's and high humidity.
Although I am not looking forward to it... Always a mix of anxious and tired.
Beans and cauliflower for breakfast. Would have liked a scone...
I have a feeling I will have the same dietary issue, easing up greatly on carbs but not wanting to OD on fat, it's difficult to get enough calories in a day. I read all over that all alcoholics have a degree of fatty liver so I'm sure for me right now a lot of fat can't be good. And the diabetic thing means few carbs if any.

Soberwolf

A walk will do you good put in some earphones and away you go its scary at first but I'm sure itl lesson

Glad to be getting on this health tip with you Sleepie

Holds1325

First of congrats on 8 weeks!

I am almost on 7 weeks myself. I'm trying to get into some type of routine beside normal work. Trying to eat right is tough! Especially since I'm a horrible cook and sometimes when you are stressed and nervous its hard to do anything. But mostly sticking to it, eating at least even if its junk, as long as its not everyday.

Also found a great place to walk a mile everyday although yeah it gets hot here too in the upper 90s and it really sets my nerves off when its hot like that outside. I know the heat isn't the cause of stress that its just how we look at it, but it sure doesn't help!

Meeting with other people helps ALOT. I was feeling so nervous and stressed out this weekend but my wife and I had dinner with my pastor and his wife and it was very helpful. I did not really want to go and did not think it would help one bit. I was contemplating relapse that day too. After we left though it did help alot and I was able to keep my mind off my stress. Sometimes things don't help though and we just have to accept that its okay. My biggest issue with all of this is acceptance, but I heard once we accept it, it gets alot easier.

I live in a small town so trying to get into community things on a daily basis is not possible, so mostly I'm trying to deal with my stress through my various at-home routines and of course coming on here everyday.

2ndhandrose

sleepie, you really do sound like you are in a better head space! I know from my own experience how different things look depending on where in my head that I am at.

Are you able to meet with a nutritionist to talk about the best dietary approach for your health? Maybe that could be the extra thing that you add into your day, researching on the internet or library, for food ideas that would work for you and not make you feel like you have to survive on lettuce and sprouts. I have changed my food choices significantly over the years as I have developed a lot of food intolerance's. I like food but it doesn't like me anymore!!! One good thing is that I eventually lost my taste for processed food.

Also, woo hoo, on 8 weeks!!!! Double woo hoo because you have the benzo taper still going on so

dwtbd

I think the walking thing sounds really good, and so do you btw,
You can always increase the time a little each walk , you may feel a different, better kind of tired and want to get more of it. Keep truckin sleepie, its nice to see

zjw

I like that idea. I think thats what you need to aim for exactly!

my life is like ground hog day. seriously its the same routine each day. I wake up promptly at around 10 of 8 (well i get out of bed at this time) then if my daughters not doing it I'll go check on the chickens then i log onto work go down make a big fruit smoothie poor some off for each little one ( i got 2) then i nurse that for almost an hour while going through work stuff. Then its work stuff or whatever i can handle till noon or so at which point I go running for an hour or 2 come back eat a pile of water melon or a smoothie and take a shower do more work. At 5pm work is over and I go down and hang out with my family and make some kind of dinner and then do more chores outside that i might have to do. Then i snack more do some reading and go to bed.

That is pretty much my routine. the food even is sometimes the exact same for days on end. I'm a basket case if soemthing out of the ordinary happens and I gotta juggle it into my routine.

My routine however keeps me in check it keeps my life simple and balanced. I know i did everythign I ought to do each day and feel satisfied being this way.

Its very strange to some. and I'd liekt o be more spontaneious but I find my anxiety gets out of wack if some of my usual activities get screwed with or something without me planning that in and being ok with it. and it really takes some convincing to change things up.

before I ran i just went for a 30 min walk each day that worked just fine in that time slot for me haha.

I dunno my routine makes me feel like all my bases are covered and if i just keep doing things this way everything will be ok. maybe i'm friggen nerotic or wierd but its just a routine i've settled into.

sleepie

Thanks guys
I don't know how I sound like I am better but if I do, ok. Mostly I am just stressed about my health getting even worse and I have to think about going to a full time 9-5 thing at some point.
I am as stressed as ever. Was really down earlier thinking about having a difficult diet and life ahead, unable to enjoy anything again and always worried about my health. I can only think that I will inevitably have serious health issues down the road. It's been near 2 months and I certainly don't look any better. There's no brightness in my eye I keep reading about people having, or better complexion or anyone telling me I look healthier or good or anything. I look just a bad as before. I can lose a little weight but you can't lose ugly.My silent boyfriend is no help. He is just silent when I try and talk to him about anything, gets frustrated when I want him to respond and just leaves me hanging. He does not know how to be supportive.
I keep asking myself what on earth did I quit for if I am always worried, stressed out, anxious and don't look or feel any better.

sleepie

hi zjw. i wish more than anything I could work at home but I don't have a chance at getting that kind of work. I have only ever done clerical stuff and that's about all I am good for. I do fear going back to the 9-5 life as it is so intensely stressful and I have to put this down to my disorder. I have to do public transportation which makes me nuts, crowds on the trains that also makes me nuts, then deal with clothing that is ugly an uncomfortable that is office appropriate- also makes me crazy because I am uncomfortable and also do not feel like myself at all, then the work that I always make dumb mistakes on then the dealing with people which makes me want to eat a bullet...

zjw

yeah working from home like i do is a god send on one hand and a curse on the other. Its not has great as it seems But yeah when i'm pissed off my boss is 1200 miles away so i can hang up the phone and scream and its ok .

The idea of having to go into an office and do what i do terrifies me. I'd be that guy thats always out of work and can never hold down a job and people would always wonder why. well like you said between the commute and the people and everything else I'd be a basket case.

Last time i had to go into the office there where many days I cried on the way to work cause I didnt wanna go. Its like that kid that doesnt wanna go to school because theres a lot of bullies that pick on him all day long. Thats about how i felt and i hated leaving my family home and such while i left for work.

But my job could be on the rocks too. so the rug could get yanked out from under me. I try not to dwell on this. but its a real reality and if and when that where to happen i'd be up the creek without a paddle basicly.

I really hope my next job is something i enjoy and that I can handle well. I have had jobs like that in the past so I know they are out there. It doesnt even matter what i do it just has to fit if that makes any sense.

Its exhausting. If i had to get up at 6am to shower and commute an hour to work only to get home at 6 or 7 each night i'd feel like i was wasting even more of my life then 40 hours week I already throw down the drain for this company i work for. And i have a wife and kids i'd like to spend time with and such. I feel like lifes too short to be spending so much time at the office etc... screw that.

like they say no one gets on there death bed wishing they had logged more time in at the office!

sleepie

That's exactly how i felt all the years I did the 9-5 and sometimes 9-5 plus a second job to pay the bills and student loan. Like I was just throwing my life away. And what could I do? With an LD that prohibits me from attaining a higher paying job? Before I understood the unfortunate circumstances I lived with, I was tormented for years. Just could not figure out why I couldn't get a better job and why working stressed me out to the point of being, as you put it- a basket case. I was so stressed out I pulled my hair out to the point of having large bald spots, for years. I'd have to conceal them before work every day- an extra 45 minutes of my day So, going back to it, I really fear. But I don't have a choice. I need benefits as I have already started down the diabetic road. There will be more doctor appointments. I have an increasing risk of blindness as I age due to retinal issues. So I have no choice.
I really just don't see that I have anything to look forward to in sobriety. It'll just be the same things that caused me to drink in the first place and now I'm even older and more tired. And things will inevitably get worse as time marches on. And I certainly never felt equipped to handle things before I drank- how is that supposed to change, especially with damaged gray matter? It won't. I think my only choice is to resign myself to the fact that life has been pretty horrible and it's just not going to change. It doesn't work that way. Drinking or not, it's going to be unbearable- drinking did offer some respite.
Before anyone gets in a twist I am not planning to drink.

zjw

I'd like to tell you to not try and find your peace and security with your job. But i know thats easier said then done when you need one for benefits and it comes with all the crappy things it comes with.

In my situation if i have to find work again outside of my house. I dont think i'll stay in my field for a few reasons. My skills are obsolete so it'll be pretty hard to stay in the field. and Also I think it would just be too much for me to handle.

Think about it if you have to deal with a crumy commute and all these other things do you wanna deal with a job you hate on top of it all? So my thinking is I'll try and find something tolerable regardless of hte pay and well figure out how to keep my house out of foreclosure or something. I know that might sound bleak but I know in my case things will work out. I'll make due I wont starve i wont die it will be ok.

So maybe you can find something tolerable that happens to have benefits that at least might make the job aspect of it a bit more bearable.

Of course the other side is our jobs tend to pick us. I dunno about you but I never got a job because I was hell bent on working in that place. I interviewed at places and worked where ever i got an invite to do so. (jobs pick us) I needed the money I could never afford to be picky. But thats not to say that there are not some tolerable stuff out there but sometimes it takes going through a few crummy jobs to find a decent one.

I swear there are decent jobs i've had a few in my lifetime just not many it seems.

From what you describe about yourself you could be the sharpest tool in the shed and people would look you over for a good position simply because there sh$theads! dont allow there problems to become yours there the ones with the issues.

Do you think you can detach yourself from you frustrations with the LD grey matter etc... IE leave that stuff over there while you sit over here and look at it but not allow yourself to get too wrapped up into it? Job or no job sober or not sober it semes like some of this stuff really haunts you. I think you can have all these issues and still find a peaceful happy place?

sleepie

I have to wonder 2ndhandrose about the nutritionist or dietician. I have looked at a lot of things online but it seems bleak, like the best one can attain is that full blown diabetes may be delayed but eventually it catches up with you. I can hold out hope that somehow I'll improve with abstinence from alcohol as my nurse practitioner said it could... but I have not read one single instance of this anywhere on the internet... and I read the whole thing!

Soberwolf did you start walking today? I am hungry and have a whopper of a headache from running around all day in the heat... ready to throw in the towel on diet cause female issues... sorry TMI but we're all adults I think we can handle it... (sorry tho)

Food for thought zjw... as always I appreciate your posts as you always have useful input

Thanks everyone for always reading these threads and responding you are all very appreciated... I am short on patience and a bit harried today so if I slipped up with the thanks button I assure you it is sheer absentmindedness and my usual oversights as I am not the queen of details- but you guys are the best, please know that

Holds1325

My brother is prediabetic since we were in highschool, he drinks like a fish and eats fastfood everyday, still doesn't have diabetes. He has all the symptoms too, darkened neck, hypoglycemic etc. Maybe he's just lucky I dont know but it will catch up to him if he doesn't quit drinking.

On the other hand its probably best to accept what you have and not really care about the future. I know, easier said than done.

Don't let that get you down though, quitting alcohol is loads better for you and hey think about this anyway, if you were still drinking your chances for full diabetes would be greater right? In the meantime, and this is what most people tell me, hey you ate horrible today but at least you didn't eat horrible AND drink alcohol.

In all honesty I wouldn't put too much emphasis on eating the best healthy foods you can all the time but just start out little. I know in early recovery setting goals that stress you out is a set-up for relapse.

TrixMixer

YES YOU DO__ART AND WRITING!!!! What is more perfect than those two abilities to allow you to work from home.

People KEEP knocking , Sleepi, but you just don't wanna answer!!!

sleepie

Wow Holds... may I ask for how long that has been the case? Huh. Will wonders never cease...
Trix thank you for that. I have kind of been playing with the idea of writing. I even have a few sample pieces but they have kind of stagnated... I am a bit overwhelmed by the fact that in both art and writing there is no shortage of people who are trying to do just the same. And also a lot of people who want to be one or the other!
I have thought about it a little though.