Delfin

This was my experience too. I really had no idea. Probably because I grew up around a lot drinking so it was a normal life to me. Yeah, I look back now and shake my head. Looks pretty obvious now.

Delfin

Carver

I knew for years but never admitted it to myself.

Then two months ago I was talking to my therapist, and just admitted it out of the blue, to her and myself. Haven't had a drink since, although it's certainly been a struggle at times.

I now understand that old saying "the first step is admitting that you have a problem."

sg1970

I can look back now and see that my use was not normal from the get go in high school. I knew I was an alcoholic from my early twenties. I quit a year ago in my mid forties.

With me admitting it wasn't an issue. I knew it and would admit it to anyone who confronted me about it. My problem was accepting it and accepting the fact that I would never drink normally. That alcohol just wasn't an option. When I accepted that a big part of the struggle ended and I felt a great deal of relief. It took me 3 months of whiteknuckling it and lot's of AA to get to that point.

InTheEnd

Everyday, between the hours of 4pm till bed, it told me I didn't have it. Drinking made me believe I was just fine.

But the hours from when I woke up till about 12n? I knew I was an alcoholic.

12n-4p? That time was spent making myself believe I was not an alcoholic and could just "have one or two" at 4pm to take edge off.

And then again, I'd drink at 4pm till bed, believing I could handle it and I wasn't an alcoholic. Everyday was the same thing, day in day out. Never ending mental battle going on in my head.

It was so exhausting....

Bird615

I knew by the time I was 17 I was an alcoholic. I think my denial at first was that I had no clue that I needed to do something about it. After a while it was in accepting the fact that it meant I had to stop. I spent the next 3 or 4 years chasing the dream that I could continue, trying everything I could think of to control it so I wouldn't have to give it up entirely.

Finally couldn't deny any of it any more and got sober.

About 25 years later, the thought creeps into my mind..."Hmmm.... Maybe I'm not really an alcoholic... I entertained that thought for about 5 more years before I decided to test it out.

dwtbd

I may have been , at times, a member of the former. I certainly was a member of the latter, didn't have to be and will not go back to being. Choose not to drink because you can , and you deserve it.

Gottalife

Delusional might be another way to look at it. I believed my drinking was normal and that there was something wrong with anyone who did not drink like me. I saw the truth a month or two before I stopped. But knowing I was alcoholic still was not enough. I remember telling an old school mate in a bar, off my face, that I was alcoholic and one day I would have to stop, but it took a little longer for that to turn into a desire to stop.

It was true when they said that my alcoholic life was the only normal one.

BackToSquareOne

Oh yes Gotalife, when my alcoholic mind got fired up it was loaded with all kind of delusional thinking. The biggest delusion was that "It's going to be different this time". It also believed it could recapture the good feelings of the early drinking days. With inhibitions put on hold all things seemed possible, fear was gone and courage flowed. The only problem was it wore off and everything got worse than before you started.

One thing I noticed in the withdrawal process is that mild anxiety and depression got many times worse. I think the one distinction you can give alcohol is it has the ability to make almost any situation or condition even worse.

Soberwolf

I'm just glad we all realised & done something about it

Congrats everyone

stargazer016

Thought I was a normal drinker almost to the end. A lot of the people that I associated with over the years were drinking as much or more than me. I was as normal as everyone else I hung with. It wasn't until the last year or so, when I was constantly bargaining with myself that I wouldn't begin drinking until noon, or eleven, or ten, that I realized that I had lost control. Alcoholism is something that happens to "other" people.

Zebra1275

I drank a lot when I was first in college, but so did everybody so I din't really notice that I had a problem. In fact, compared to some of the people in my dorm, I was a moderate drinker.

However, when I got to graduate school I found myself secretly drinking alone after a long day of classes, work and studies to receive stress and as a reinforcement for working so hard. I knew than that my drinking was not like other people.

The denial part for me was not my drinking, I knew that was different. My denial was thinking that I could control things and that I could be a "normal" drinker.

kamm

Thinking back, I was never a normal drinker. I binge drank from the first time at 17 until the last time I drank. I didn't really realize until about 3 years before I stopped. I thought I was just partying like everyone does. All of my friends seemed to party like me but in reality they wete not blacking out every time they went out... they were maybe getting a little tipsy and then stopping. I can remember peeing the bed in college multiple times and not thinking there was anything wrong with that because "someones cousin did it too one time". I remember asking my friends to remind me to go to the bathroom before I fell asleep because somehow in my mind that was a better plan than trying to cut back. Thinking about it now makes me wonder how I didn't realize sooner!

When I did know I tried to stop halfheartedly a few times but it took a medical scare for me to take sobriety seriously.

DoubleDragons

I think that I always knew that I had a drinking problem, from my teenage years on, but I didn't understand the level of my problem until I went through the process of quitting drinking alcohol. At almost two years sober, I still get "aha" moments. Scary.

Live2Run25

If I'm being honest, I'm still not sure. I've been sober 3 years and 3 months, but I'm not really sure if I was/am an alcoholic.

Almost everyone in my family was an alcoholic. My Dad was the worst and abandoned me when I was a child. I reconnected with him in my early 20's and saw how bad it was first hand. I was doing the typical early 20's drinking thing... a couple nights a week. I slowly realized I was "that friend" that drank WAY more than everyone else, and usually did something stupid. Still, everyone seem amused by it. I never drank at home, I never drank in the mornings, or called off of work (okay.. maybe when I first started drinking) so for the most part I felt normal. I started blacking out and doing really dumb things like driving, and going home with strangers, but still never found myself in peril of any kind. One night I got pulled over leaving a bar. I wasn't drunk but was buzzed. The cop asked me if I had been drinking and I thought "why lie?" so I told him I'd had a few over the past couple hours and that was the truth. He field tested me, and sent me on my way. I should NOT have gotten off that night, and I knew it. I quit the day after my dad tried to drink himself to death. I don't know why. I looked at him in the hospital and just knew deep down I needed to stop. I still question it to this day, but never once have tempted fate..

Wholesome

I've always known that I don't drink right..... right from the beginning I could drink more than most people and I knew I liked it too much. It didn't become a problem though until my 30's. It runs in my family..... whatever gene it is I have it.

tursiops999

I didn't know. I got sober at 52, I'm 53 now. I think my drinking in my 20's and 30's was normal, or maybe on the heavier range of normal. Usually a couple of drinks, a few times a week. In my 40's it started creeping up. For a year before I got sober, I thought about it ... wondered if I was becoming an alcoholic, thinking I should quit, not wanting to quit. Finally one day, I realized it was time, and I quit. Scariest and best thing I ever did.

Fly N Buy

When I was young I was fascinated with movies about alcoholism and addiction. In early high school we watched the Days of Wine and Roses in a sociology class. The teacher explained his take on the traits of alcoholics. I also watched the Lost Weekend many times. To me those drunks were what alcoholics truly were - hiding bottles, uncontrolled mayhem - lying, cheating stealing and of course police.

I never admitted to my inner most self that I was an alcoholic. Not me - just like to party. Born with incredible tolerance, unfortunately. Over the last few years I hide bottles, lied frequently, cheated and stole as opportunity arose.

So to the OP's point - I was indeed in denial for many years. When the "lights" turned on that I had more than a little problem, I simply accepted it and kept drinking however. If I die from it, so be it. What a selfish ass............

Thanks for the thread - very good