So exhausted
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Beer makes my blood sugar go down! If I eat something with it that would normally raise it, it actually goes down. If I only eat or drink, it goes up. But paired? it goes down. I have no idea why. That's another reason I am really unenthused about quitting.
As far as differently, I was low to no carb for 2 weeks and was hungry as hell and really not in a good mood at all.
As far as differently, I was low to no carb for 2 weeks and was hungry as hell and really not in a good mood at all.
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Originally Posted by sleepie 
7 weeks does NOT feel like a win, I awoke to yet even higher fasting blood sugar levels.
Story of my life.
try harder, things get worse.
I am really over it.
Story of my life.
try harder, things get worse.
I am really over it.
I have read through many of your posts and I do not believe you ever mentioned if you were indeed diagnosed with a learning disability and if so, what that disability is.
You have shared so many deep sorrowful thoughts with us, I would hope my asking this is not offensive in any way.
Truth is you did go to college, and you have a very High level of intelligent communication of thoughts. You seem to understand complex ideas and was wondering why you have never taken advantage of the Americans with Disabilities Act.
I have read your feelings of hopelessness and despair and am not sure what disability is excluding you from learning. I frankly believe your writing ability far exceeds my own--I do have ADHD--
Forgive me if your explanation of "what you mean by "learning disability" just went over my head---knowing the diagnosis would make it better to understand.
You have protection available when there is a diagnosis of a disability that makes it impossible for you to have a job---are you aware of this??
Trix
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Join Date: Jan 2011
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This is where the rubber meets the road, Sleepie. When it hurts, when it seems unbearable, when every molecule of being screams for anesthetizing.
Many folks are probably going to tell you this is when you woman up, get tough against your addiction, power through the angst with willpower and determination.
That didn't work for me. What I had to do was surrender to the fact that I was an addict and an alcoholic and I needed to accept that to my core and realize that my next drink or joint or benzo was inevitable if I tried to tackle this horror on my own.
Yeah, I had reached the 12-step realization that I was powerless over my addiction. And it was that simple realization, which many of us don't need to realize or simply can't grasp, that was my first step on a path toward lasting sobriety.
My sober trail wasn't decorated with cute bunnies, rainbows and pretty flowers. It was strewn with broken glass, rusty nails and burning coals which I had to traverse on hands and knees to get to six months, a year, even two years of sobriety. It was singularly the hardest thing I ever did or ever went through, topping some pretty nasty life tragedies dating back to earliest childhood.
And I've got the disability thing going too. I've been on disability and early retirement since 2008.
You're going through the double whammy right now, a few weeks sober from booze and still tapering benzos. You are going to feel like cold, hardened crap for some time to come. Surrender to that. And quit expecting that seven weeks of abstinence and a slow benzo taper is going to feel good. It's not. It will be get better, and better than your wildest dreams in time (like maybe in a year), but it is probably going to suck more first.
I know, I know -- you've got the prediabetic thing that you know a beer will help blood sugar levels, the nonverbal learning disorder, a job that sucks, a childhood infested with abuse, crappy family, and more and more bad things which makes you terminally unique, and, well, shoot...why not drink?
You're not unique. You're just part of this heap of humanity filled with flawed people like me and everybody else.
Perhaps you could prove to yourself that you are not unique, that in fact you are actually better off that a whole smear of people out there in the world, that you actually have things to be grateful for that others would kill to have, and that your plight is not impossible but actually filled with the possibility of good outcomes? And I'm not talking about material success, but simply an occasional window of contentment, an ability to be able to breathe in your own skin comfortably without beer or benzos or resentment or regret. And -- gasp -- your tale and your travels might be able to help someone else also in your shoes.
Go to a f--king AA meeting.
I know, they only have early morning meetings where you are, I think you've said in the past. And you still have to go to your sucky job. And, again, your pride keeps you from applying for any form of government aid which could possibly land you in a program suited for your learning disorder and also help with substance abuse treatment.
But walking into a room with other people just like you -- and I guarantee you will actually find people who had bigger problems and difficulties over what you post about here -- just could be the act of surrender needed for you to start crawling over your own broken glass strewn, rusty nailed trail to sobriety.
And the real mind-blowing thing is that you will find some folks offering to help you.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not a born-again Big Book thumper by any stretch. Heck, I haven't been to an AA meeting in 10 months, me thinks. But I went to daily meetings for nearly two years in early sobriety and credit them for doing the one thing I couldn't do for myself on my own willpower: Stay sober.
By the way, you you know my benzo, booze story. From what I've read, exercise can actually exacerbate protracted withdrawal symptoms, so tread carefully.
Many folks are probably going to tell you this is when you woman up, get tough against your addiction, power through the angst with willpower and determination.
That didn't work for me. What I had to do was surrender to the fact that I was an addict and an alcoholic and I needed to accept that to my core and realize that my next drink or joint or benzo was inevitable if I tried to tackle this horror on my own.
Yeah, I had reached the 12-step realization that I was powerless over my addiction. And it was that simple realization, which many of us don't need to realize or simply can't grasp, that was my first step on a path toward lasting sobriety.
My sober trail wasn't decorated with cute bunnies, rainbows and pretty flowers. It was strewn with broken glass, rusty nails and burning coals which I had to traverse on hands and knees to get to six months, a year, even two years of sobriety. It was singularly the hardest thing I ever did or ever went through, topping some pretty nasty life tragedies dating back to earliest childhood.
And I've got the disability thing going too. I've been on disability and early retirement since 2008.
You're going through the double whammy right now, a few weeks sober from booze and still tapering benzos. You are going to feel like cold, hardened crap for some time to come. Surrender to that. And quit expecting that seven weeks of abstinence and a slow benzo taper is going to feel good. It's not. It will be get better, and better than your wildest dreams in time (like maybe in a year), but it is probably going to suck more first.
I know, I know -- you've got the prediabetic thing that you know a beer will help blood sugar levels, the nonverbal learning disorder, a job that sucks, a childhood infested with abuse, crappy family, and more and more bad things which makes you terminally unique, and, well, shoot...why not drink?
You're not unique. You're just part of this heap of humanity filled with flawed people like me and everybody else.
Perhaps you could prove to yourself that you are not unique, that in fact you are actually better off that a whole smear of people out there in the world, that you actually have things to be grateful for that others would kill to have, and that your plight is not impossible but actually filled with the possibility of good outcomes? And I'm not talking about material success, but simply an occasional window of contentment, an ability to be able to breathe in your own skin comfortably without beer or benzos or resentment or regret. And -- gasp -- your tale and your travels might be able to help someone else also in your shoes.
Go to a f--king AA meeting.
I know, they only have early morning meetings where you are, I think you've said in the past. And you still have to go to your sucky job. And, again, your pride keeps you from applying for any form of government aid which could possibly land you in a program suited for your learning disorder and also help with substance abuse treatment.
But walking into a room with other people just like you -- and I guarantee you will actually find people who had bigger problems and difficulties over what you post about here -- just could be the act of surrender needed for you to start crawling over your own broken glass strewn, rusty nailed trail to sobriety.
And the real mind-blowing thing is that you will find some folks offering to help you.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not a born-again Big Book thumper by any stretch. Heck, I haven't been to an AA meeting in 10 months, me thinks. But I went to daily meetings for nearly two years in early sobriety and credit them for doing the one thing I couldn't do for myself on my own willpower: Stay sober.
By the way, you you know my benzo, booze story. From what I've read, exercise can actually exacerbate protracted withdrawal symptoms, so tread carefully.
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Thank you Trix I take that as a compliment!
It's non verbal learning disorder. I can repost a video about it, this author has it. I suspect I have ADD too since I was diagnosed waaay back with a neurological disorder that often goes comorbid (?) with non verbal learning disorder OCD and ADD.
So as much as I want an official diagnosis I have to get a job with benefits because the testing would cost thousands of dollars- in desperation over the winter I tried to reach out to several people and organizations and finally successfully connected with a neuropsychologist who I spoke with over the phone. I shared with her my test results that I'd taken a several times as a teen and my entire history of standardized testing (I still have them from when I was a kid) and she agreed yes I am spot on and have this disorder but to test again it would be thousands of dollars.
Non verbal learning disorder is not a recognized disorder. It is not in the diagnostic manual and therefore not eligible for anything as far as help. It's a disability that is also invisible. Here's a good explanation:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yk7inZOfv7M
It's non verbal learning disorder. I can repost a video about it, this author has it. I suspect I have ADD too since I was diagnosed waaay back with a neurological disorder that often goes comorbid (?) with non verbal learning disorder OCD and ADD.
So as much as I want an official diagnosis I have to get a job with benefits because the testing would cost thousands of dollars- in desperation over the winter I tried to reach out to several people and organizations and finally successfully connected with a neuropsychologist who I spoke with over the phone. I shared with her my test results that I'd taken a several times as a teen and my entire history of standardized testing (I still have them from when I was a kid) and she agreed yes I am spot on and have this disorder but to test again it would be thousands of dollars.
Non verbal learning disorder is not a recognized disorder. It is not in the diagnostic manual and therefore not eligible for anything as far as help. It's a disability that is also invisible. Here's a good explanation:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yk7inZOfv7M
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Memphis I don't respond well to being sworn at.
i appreciate your tale I have read it I don't like being chewed out it does not work for me.
If you wanna yell at me about a softer kinder way fine but I'll tell you the kinder words here have gotten me this far because I do come on here and utilize the site for help when I feel low I am here saying "Hey guys my sober ship's about to sink"...
And you know what it's like with the benzoes so if I seem prickly I do apologize...
Anyway my SR friends have gotten me this far.
i appreciate your tale I have read it I don't like being chewed out it does not work for me.
If you wanna yell at me about a softer kinder way fine but I'll tell you the kinder words here have gotten me this far because I do come on here and utilize the site for help when I feel low I am here saying "Hey guys my sober ship's about to sink"...
And you know what it's like with the benzoes so if I seem prickly I do apologize...
Anyway my SR friends have gotten me this far.
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Five years, Sleepie. Five years.
More people than not get sober without AA. I couldn't do it. And I don't live and breathe the program, but my fact remains that I tried to get sober on my own for a decade, including two stints in rehab, and nothing worked for me until I surrendered and poked my head into the door of an AA meeting.
Why not give it a shot? What you're doing on your own doesn't seem to garner more than a few months of sobriety, right?
And, yeah, yelling and swearing and the threat of losing all that was dear to me didn't get me sober. Then, of course, I lost everything near and dear to me and still didn't get sober.
Try to think of it as me not being hard on you as it is me being hard on the me I see in you and fear things will get much, much worse.
I, too, was once terminally unique.
More people than not get sober without AA. I couldn't do it. And I don't live and breathe the program, but my fact remains that I tried to get sober on my own for a decade, including two stints in rehab, and nothing worked for me until I surrendered and poked my head into the door of an AA meeting.
Why not give it a shot? What you're doing on your own doesn't seem to garner more than a few months of sobriety, right?
And, yeah, yelling and swearing and the threat of losing all that was dear to me didn't get me sober. Then, of course, I lost everything near and dear to me and still didn't get sober.
Try to think of it as me not being hard on you as it is me being hard on the me I see in you and fear things will get much, much worse.
I, too, was once terminally unique.
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Well sleepie if you identify with the speaker in that video... that does not sound like a person without significant qualities and talents, quite the opposite! You may just not be in an environment and professional (and personal) field that supports and can use your abilities well -- maybe this is something to investigate? It may well be that a lot of your lack of energy and motivation is related to your not being able to use your qualities, so no surprise you don't find it rewarding and prefer to turn to alcohol and drugs? Ask me how I assume this 
Also, I don't really see the point of all that expensive testing and diagnoses of something like this. How could that help you effectively? It might just make you focused even more on what you perceive as flaws and lacking, instead of developing your potential in a supportive environment. It's absolutely not necessary to study and deal with science if that's not your thing. No one is really good at everything or even at too many different things. I am thinking perhaps what might be more beneficial is to find someone with qualifications and focus on helping to identify and encourage your talents, and not someone who would put labels of pathologies on you. I think probably most of us can be diagnosed with a few disorders, including DSM-grade ones, at certain periods of our lives -- I know that is true for me. Imo, those categories are helpful when medication or very specific professional intervention is necessary, or to get mental health benefits. But those won't solve your kind of dilemma about how to live an enjoyable life without alcohol and drugs, I think. Just my perception, may or may not be correct. In any case, if I may suggest one thing, it would be to turn away from seeking what's wrong with you and start focusing on what's great about you, as is
Also, I don't really see the point of all that expensive testing and diagnoses of something like this. How could that help you effectively? It might just make you focused even more on what you perceive as flaws and lacking, instead of developing your potential in a supportive environment. It's absolutely not necessary to study and deal with science if that's not your thing. No one is really good at everything or even at too many different things. I am thinking perhaps what might be more beneficial is to find someone with qualifications and focus on helping to identify and encourage your talents, and not someone who would put labels of pathologies on you. I think probably most of us can be diagnosed with a few disorders, including DSM-grade ones, at certain periods of our lives -- I know that is true for me. Imo, those categories are helpful when medication or very specific professional intervention is necessary, or to get mental health benefits. But those won't solve your kind of dilemma about how to live an enjoyable life without alcohol and drugs, I think. Just my perception, may or may not be correct. In any case, if I may suggest one thing, it would be to turn away from seeking what's wrong with you and start focusing on what's great about you, as is
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I have always struggled with trying to make up for the things I am bad at or just focusing on what I am better at... Now I have brought this question to a few therapists and they had no answer.
BTW I am a huge Aldous Huxley fan, his writing is rather dry but love his stories and even sat through "Pride and Prejudice" that he did the screenplay for and always found his love of William Blake very inspiring.
Turned out "Pride and Prejudice" was not what I expected at all so just color me edified.
BTW I am a huge Aldous Huxley fan, his writing is rather dry but love his stories and even sat through "Pride and Prejudice" that he did the screenplay for and always found his love of William Blake very inspiring.
Turned out "Pride and Prejudice" was not what I expected at all so just color me edified.
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Memphis do you have any tips on getting through the benzo withdrawals?
I don't understand how someone can jump off and quit a high dose of benzo and yet here I am on a slow valium taper and shaking and sweating every time I taper down and feeling so bad. Just do not get it.
I don't understand how someone can jump off and quit a high dose of benzo and yet here I am on a slow valium taper and shaking and sweating every time I taper down and feeling so bad. Just do not get it.
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Sleepie, you really have to talk to your doctor. How did I do it? Well, aside from the complete psychotic states that kicked in about two weeks after I last took a benzo or drank a beer, added with the four ER trips, and ending with my 10-day hospitalization (the first three days inchorrent, psychotic, and in four-point restraints), I was scared to death to ever take a benzo again.
And when I got out of the hospital, I of course bought a pint of brandy, chugged it, and realized that, oh my God, even booze quit working.
I suffered for about three months before I could even log onto my computer to find SR and a benzo recovery website out of the UK, and after four months I was able to crawl to an AA meeting
Since I went through rapid detox from 20 milligrams of Klonopin a day (Which was down from the 30 milligrams a day I was prescribed a few years before getting sober), my experience shouldn't be anything like yours.
Sweating and shaking and insomnia and depression and extremely high anxiety are the protracted symptoms I experienced and which I read are common during tapering schedules for people on your dosage. You really should bring all of these concerns to your doctor. From what I read, the only recourse is to either bite the bullet and continue to taper, or slow the taper or even increase the dosage.
Again, my experience is an extreme, I think (Ha! I, too am terminally unique) and you shouldn't have anything near the problems I had.
In fact, it wasn't until I started going to AA meetings that I met people who had been through what I had and were, surprise, actually taking higher dosages of Klonopin or Xanax than I was.
But I had been on that dosage for a decade, so my protracted symptoms were worse than those of others I met and I found it frustrating that they didn't understand what I was going through. A common theme was folks telling me that at six months I had detoxed and benzos weren't my problem.
Don't let my story scare you unless you too were taking the amount of Klonopin I was on, an equivalent of 400 milligrams of Valium a day.
And when I got out of the hospital, I of course bought a pint of brandy, chugged it, and realized that, oh my God, even booze quit working.
I suffered for about three months before I could even log onto my computer to find SR and a benzo recovery website out of the UK, and after four months I was able to crawl to an AA meeting
Since I went through rapid detox from 20 milligrams of Klonopin a day (Which was down from the 30 milligrams a day I was prescribed a few years before getting sober), my experience shouldn't be anything like yours.
Sweating and shaking and insomnia and depression and extremely high anxiety are the protracted symptoms I experienced and which I read are common during tapering schedules for people on your dosage. You really should bring all of these concerns to your doctor. From what I read, the only recourse is to either bite the bullet and continue to taper, or slow the taper or even increase the dosage.
Again, my experience is an extreme, I think (Ha! I, too am terminally unique) and you shouldn't have anything near the problems I had.
In fact, it wasn't until I started going to AA meetings that I met people who had been through what I had and were, surprise, actually taking higher dosages of Klonopin or Xanax than I was.
But I had been on that dosage for a decade, so my protracted symptoms were worse than those of others I met and I found it frustrating that they didn't understand what I was going through. A common theme was folks telling me that at six months I had detoxed and benzos weren't my problem.
Don't let my story scare you unless you too were taking the amount of Klonopin I was on, an equivalent of 400 milligrams of Valium a day.
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I talk to a doctor every month I am on a medically supervised taper.
Sigh just got back from doing some work, dizzy for 40 minutes and sweating profusely.
I mean seriously it just seems a bit extreme. I just went from 4 mg valium (diazapem) to 3 and like clockwork on day 4 I feel awful.
Sigh just got back from doing some work, dizzy for 40 minutes and sweating profusely.
I mean seriously it just seems a bit extreme. I just went from 4 mg valium (diazapem) to 3 and like clockwork on day 4 I feel awful.
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Sleepie, everything I have read about tapering says slow and easy and if symptoms get too pronounced to stabilize at the current dose for weeks.
It sounds like perhaps you are on too steep a taper.
Is your doctor following the Ashton Manual tapering suggestions?
It sounds like perhaps you are on too steep a taper.
Is your doctor following the Ashton Manual tapering suggestions?
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Yes it is in fact the Ashton taper.
So, I can go down an mg every one to 2 weeks and so I have been going every ten days, down one mg. Today I failed and it was the first time in a couple months at least, I was just sweaty and shaky and weak for hours, I'm always afraid of a seizure. I do not want that. So I took a second dose. I would have white knuckled it but I was too active today because I had to work extra and it involves walking around. After that I went to dinner with my boyfriend and his friend but was too shaky and weak to get through dinner, after 3 bites I went out for fresh air, thought I was going to pass out and just took extra.
Sucks. I want to go faster but I had a feeling once I got to a dose less than 4 mg daily it was going to get a little uglier.
So, I can go down an mg every one to 2 weeks and so I have been going every ten days, down one mg. Today I failed and it was the first time in a couple months at least, I was just sweaty and shaky and weak for hours, I'm always afraid of a seizure. I do not want that. So I took a second dose. I would have white knuckled it but I was too active today because I had to work extra and it involves walking around. After that I went to dinner with my boyfriend and his friend but was too shaky and weak to get through dinner, after 3 bites I went out for fresh air, thought I was going to pass out and just took extra.
Sucks. I want to go faster but I had a feeling once I got to a dose less than 4 mg daily it was going to get a little uglier.
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