RoyGBiv

I never thought I could be functional on 12 drinks a day. But that's where I am. Making excuses not to stop is easy when there's no wife/gf/kids around and it's just you and yourself every night. Make an excuse, lie to yourself, drink again. Rinse, repeat. I am knowingly and willingly putting the drink to my mouth and lying to myself that I don't care.

Reading my old posts I saw how bad I still felt emotionally after 90 days sober... that didn't help.

One day soon I'll stop hating myself enough to quit again. Then I'll be back; hopefully with a more positive attitude. Until then I'll be lurking.....

Just putting this on here to call myself out during the functional portion of my day.

SoberLeigh

Sounds like the functional part of your day may be the wisest.

Take that step now, Roy; I can't promise that it will be easy but I can promise it will be worth it.

sleepie

Hi Roy, glad you reached out here today... I feel bad at over 6 weeks sober and I know it's hardly inspiring but the only way we're gonna find out if what everyone here says "it does get better" is if we stick to it.
I hope you will give it another go.

dwtbd

The part that is telling you that is has to be this way, even for the remainder of today, is lying.
There's never a good time quit , the only time we have is Now and every Now you have is the time to stop listen to the lies.
wish you well and hope to see you around

SoberLeigh

Wise words, dear sleepie!!!!

Anna

We'll be here for you now, or whenever you want to come back and work on recovery.

You said you were still unhappy after 3 months sober, and I wonder what other changes you made in your life, besides stopping drinking, during those months?

mpr

Hang in there Roy, if say don't drink anymore but you've made yourself clear and seem aware of what's going on. Hope you make it back to the other side.

ScottFromWI

Your definition of "functional" is relative. With no one around, who's to say that your not just simply drunk the whole time? If your "function" is simply to drink then, yes - you are functional.

Everyone can tolerate alcohol at different levels over different periods of time. But it's universally true that eventually it catches up with you. I hope you cand find the strength to quit before it's too late. If you read here often you'll see that some don't - and the consequences are dire indeed.

doggonecarl

If you wait until then, you may never quit. The self-loathing of the drinker is systematic of the affliction of alcoholism.

If you are going to hate yourself drinking, you might as well hate yourself sober.

Soberwolf

Were here

RoyGBiv

I feel like I do hate myself sober. No self esteem. But then I've been drunk so long how do I even know who sober me is and why I should hate him?

I think last time, for lack of a better way to describe it, instead of celebrating I was sober, I chose to mourn that I wasn't drunk.

Tooshabby

You can do it RoyGBiv. Everybody is lovable. Instead of listening to self-hating thoughts, be kind to yourself. Tell yourself the things you need and deserve to hear as if you were a friend you cared deeply about. I think sometimes self-hatred can get to be a bad habit. Here's a good youtube clip that might be helpful....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bn1rv7BZvvw

Gottalife

I can relate to this. One reason I was reluctant to get sober was that in my experience, sobriety was horrible. Why even go there? I clocked up more than three months on my own once and had never been so miserable. I couldn't even get out of bed. The doctors report of the time said I was living in "absolute squalor" . What would be the point in living like that?

A little later, having returned to my old solution, things got much worse. So much so that I was prepared to consider solutions I had previously rejected. It turns out that stopping drinking on its own was not enough. I needed a whole new way of living in order to be happily sober. This time around, by the 90 day mark, my whole outlook had changed. I have never needed to drink since.

Dee74

Hi Roy

there's an old Chinese proverb - the best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago...the second best time is today.

Continuing to drink won't help your self esteem. It's not going to get easier to quit the longer you drink, but harder.

The only thing that's likely to grow is your already healthy self loathing.

I drank, hard, for 20 years - I was prepared to put one year aside to see how sobriety treated me.

Like Anna said, I did a lot more than just not drinking - I wanted to be happy too.

I had some counselling help, I volunterred in my local community, I faced a lot of my demons.

I wanted to be someone I didn't need to escape from.

I rediscovered a me I'd totally forgotten about - pre- drinking - and that guy was that bad at all.

Give yourself a chance Roy

D

NestWasEmpty

Roy , I found myself all alone too . I had just me to worry about , cause I had pushed my family away . When it took over my health & ended up in the ER . I was left with not only being alone , I was very sick & alone .
That was pretty scary . Right there I decided I would rather be alone & doing things Sober - then sick health wise & not be able to take care of myself
I live in a small country town, not a lot to do - So I made a plan to find hobbies - all kinds till I found some I liked . There's a whole world of things to keep busy with .
Maybe even look around as your thinking of stopping of things you would like to do SR threads can help with ideas & many here will help .

RoyGBiv

I'm here, I'm listening, and as always the wisdom here is what I seek. I just feel guilty participating before I 'man up" and do it. Always an excuse. This weekend I have to be with my dysfunctional family.. the next one I'm solidly alone for 3 days... excuse after excuse after excuse. I see it. I know it.

It's hard to escape the fantasy when the reality doesn't seem like an improvement. More AV lies.

SoberLeigh

Many people here are in various degrees of struggling, Roy.

Read; post; don't go away.

Dee74

Part of you knows its BS. Feed that part, Roy.
You could stop today - right now.

D

Tracy999

Once, early in sobriety, I had to find something of my mother's (she's deceased) and I was looking through the trunk where I keep all of her stuff. I got distracted by a stack of greeting cards I sent her when I was 18-20 years old (not drinking during that time) and I sat and read through them all. I was floored. I just kept saying to myself as I read them "I was different then," "I was different," "What happened?" Well, I know what happened, 20 years of drinking happened. But in reading those cards I was reminded of the loving, playful, funny, creative person I was as a young college student remembering to write to my mother. It was a sharp contrast to the fearful, self centered, forgetful, private, angry, and closed off person that drinking created.

When I first entered sobriety all I could remember about myself is the person I was right then and I didn't much like her. I couldn't see or remember the person I used to be before alcohol got ahold of me. I couldn't see the person that wrote those cards to her mother because alcohol had me focusing on all the wrong things.

What I have learned in sobriety is that we have all have all of those traits in us. The difference lies in what you choose to accentuate.

Be positive. Change your thinking.

RoyGBiv

My pulse is like.. 120.. all afternoon. That is new.