Introspectator

Well, I registered for this site months ago, went 1 month sober, started again 😒
I'm a mess. I'm a functional alcoholic, but
Getting older and it's going to bite me back.
Every morning I think, "no more drink for me, I want to be sober, I want to feel good again." But then, after work I drink again. I obsess about the years I have drank, spoken poorly to the ones I love- my wife and children. I want to quit so that I don't do that anymore, but then I think "I can't take back the past, so what's the point?" It's a viscous cycle, as you know. I know that "forgiving yourself" is key...but I just can't. I hate myself. I hate that I have done this for so many years, ruined moments with loved ones, left scars on innocent people. I think I just hate myself, and in a twisted way I just want to punish myself and die. NO I'm not suicidal, I just loath the man that I am. I'm sure many here understand my situation. I think "why do I want to stop and feel good when I've hurt others with my actions due to alcoholism?" I am old enough, 51, to now know how it feels to loose a measure of health/youth. It's almost as if I just really don't care about myself anymore...but I long for sobriety. I know that it feels great, and that my addiction is fooling me into thinking that being intoxicated feels better.
I've tried AA a few times over the years, and each time felt that it wasn't going to do me any good...I don't know...just sharing that.
I hope to stop tomorrow. I hope that I can do that, and I hope to frequent this forum for support and to help others. Thanks for reading. Good health to you.
Intro

JK130

You may be overthinking. And for certain, your thinking is influenced by alcohol, therefore is flawed.

Yes, you CAN do this. You are NOT too old etc. You have a family who is waiting to welcome their husband and father.

Don't drink tonight. Get rid of any alcohol you have access to (or ask someone to do it for you.) Take a hot shower. Eat ice cream. Take a walk. Mow the yard. Bake cookies. Watch a dumb movie. Go to bed early. Don't drink tonight.

Then tomorrow. Do it again.

Then again, and after awhile, with work, you'll feel better and begin to rebuild your life!

D122y

ODAT.

50 here as well.

You can do it. 1 month is awesome.

That is when the physical withdrawal ended and the brain showed me the damage I had done.

I learned that after each each relapse I damaged my brain more and more. The brain can recover fully. But, eventually, it will be beyond repair. Be afraid.

I am educated. I am ready to fight for my life.

It has gotten a little better each day. 2 steps forward, 1 back.

Be proud and protective of your sobriety. I am of mine.

Give yourself a chance to see what the world is like with a brain that gets stronger each second.

I know you are suffering. Me too.

Dee74

Welcome back Introspectator

I think plugging yourself in here, posting daily or more than daily for a while can really help.

I was ashamed of the things I'd done and I hated who I'd become. I even loathed looking in a mirror.

Drinking more never solves that, it just makes it worse...

Quitting is never fun or easy, but the hard part is finite, and not drinking any more today and staying quit toomorrow can be the first steps back to the real you.

I really hope you can make this a turning point

fini

Introspectator,
good you're here.
you say forgiving yourself is key....wasn't so for me. i didn't forgive myself until i'd stopped for quite a while, done some work, saw and acknowledged what i'd done and took responsibility.
all that came after other actions. actions such as getting connected on a forum and participating. you say you hope to do that. why hope? it's in your control entirely, and i've found sobriety is built on doing a bunch of daily stuff which is indeed my choice to do.

i got sober at 51; great year to do so

Soberwolf

Nice to meet you

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html

kamm

Welcome back to SR!
It's never too late to start making good memories with your family. If you keep drinking that will never happen. You can do this! Stop now before you get to a point where you irrevocably harm your body. Come back tomorrow and let us know how you're doing.

PurpleDan

Maybe it's time to stop listening to your thinking, as it doesn't seem to have gotten you far with your drinking. You have a disease that tells you you don't have a disease.

I'm guessing that you've never worked the 12 steps - that's where the magic happens.

IOAA2

Hi.
I posted this on another thread and think it’s appropriate here also.

I’m grateful to be sober a lot of years and there are some needs to obtain sobriety in my experiences.
We have to want it, not a wishwashy I’ll try to stop drinking or similar.

We need to be honest with ourselves about our drinking. Forget it if we can’t be.

We need to ACCEPT that we cannot drink in safety one day at a time in a row with the result being we won’t have to TRY to get sober AGAIN.
It’s that simple……………. Then the work begins, it's called action.

BE WELL

Introspectator

Well thanks everyone for the kind words and encouragement!
Day 1, here we go!!

JeffreyAK

If you don't think AA is a good fit, are there other face-to-face meeting options available nearby, other than AA? Duffy's rehab has a decent table of similarities and differences between several support groups, and there are other groups too. With some solid sober time you'll probably see all this very differently.

ScottFromWI

Best of luck, and don't forget that there is always someone here on SR if you need us.

Fly N Buy

Glad you're posting here with us!

I love alcoholics........I could have written the first line of your thread not long ago........it really sums up how I felt and a multitude of others I am sure.

I started going to AA 4 times separate times in my life. The first 3 were years back and encompassed just a handful of meetings. No sponsor - no step work.

The 4th time was almost 15 months ago. The day before I went I took my last drink. I was 54 years old and certain, again - nothing could help. But on June 8th, 2014 I drank for the last time.

I reached a point of being sick and tired of being sick and tired. I had not lost everything = yet and reached the end. I became willing and came to accept I could not drink normally.

This time in AA I decided I would engage the program. I would steep myself in meetings - I went to over 90 in 3 months time. I got qualified sponsor and we did step work together. I came to realize very simply this was not a game and it would kill me.

I read and re-read More About Alcoholism in the Big Book. I then read the story sections - They Stopped in Time. Both of these convinced me I want what other have.......

Alcohol doesn't give a **** if I think I am functional - it laughs at the very notion and says GOOD - come get some more!!!

At 15 months I no longer live in fear. I have more friends than I ever thought possible. My small businesses have rebounded and are doing much better.

But, all of that makes no difference. The one things that I am truly grateful for each day is the reflection of my despair I say daily in my Family's eyes has now turned to hope, faith and love.

I will not succumb to poison, today. I choose to live this last season of my life as God intended me too - helping and loving others.

We have to find a willingness - at first just willing to be willing.


Glad you're here with us -
thank you for the thread.......I needed the reminder today.

PurpleDan

Thank you for sharing. It brought a tear to my eye...I so love hearing stories of recovery through the 12 steps.

I really needed to hear the portion I quoted...I have two small business as well and it's been a struggle. And I can trace it back to me not working a programme and getting in to "self-will run riot". Hoping I can turn things around now that I'm back in the middle of the boat.

Fly N Buy

Dan,

Few of us roll into sobriety on a winning streak - Turns out if we sober up, clean up the past best we can, learn to stay in the present tense - love those we come in contact with, forgive people, don't judge everyone and generally follow the golden rule while continuing to not drink life, business, play and just watching a baseball/foolball/cricket game is soooo much better!! Go figure

I had to get out of my self centered, pitiful ways......Vile.
Never, ever want to go back.

Money or no money
Job or no job
Wife or no wife
House or no house............

Drinking brings us to that place of pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. Bleh - what a waste.

TrixMixer

I would venture to guess most alcoholics could say exactly the same thing you have said. I know I was a selfish liar who could only see what "I" needed. When not drunk I would help anyone, when drunk I NEVER saw anyone in need of help---it was all about ME.

That is what alcoholism is all about. You and the bottle (your best friend) hanging out hating and feeling sorry for ourselves and loathing anyone who dared get in our way. Why do you think AA wants you to make right the wrongs in your life when you were drinking----because we ALL have people we have hurt, things we have done to be ashamed of, and yes we can use the excuse we are really not worth saving as a human being because of these actions.....but think about it for a moment. Is this NOT the perfect excuse for our friend alcohol to keep us in it's clutches. Yeah we are really ----, no redemption for us , just a miserable excuse for a human being, so why even bother to get sober --we are really not worth the effort.

Alcohol is SOOOOOO clever.....but once in a while we actually beat it at it's own game and can honestly turn our lives around while saying FU alcohol, not buying your lies anymore.

I sincerely hope you know forgiveness is out there from those you have hurt, along with a Better you---but you have to kick alcohol out of your life, and it is never to late to do that!!!

Good luck and welcome here,
Trix

NestWasEmpty

It's good that you reached out for help again Introspectator In the 10+ years of chasing alcohol . I missed out on those years with my family . I'm estranged from my children & grandbabies . They wanted no part of me being around them, & told me so .
When my drinking took over my health , & ended up in the ER - I was pretty much alone . After a week in the hosp. when I got home with a clearer head .
I sat & realized what I had already done to me family . I decided right then - I will not put them though any more heartache . To watch me die a slow death with alcohol !
It done enough damage , so I've kept the hope that someday they will forgive me. If not at least I won't be hurting them anymore .
I released them from the pain - I owe them that much .
Todays & the future you can say - I will not hurt my family any longer

Introspectator

Made it through day #1. It was fantastic!! I mowed the yard, weed wacked, cleaned the garage, bought 2 bushel of tomatoes, took them to my Mom's house, sterilized jars, prepared the tomatoes for canning (juicing) with her tomorrow, played my drums, ate dinner with my wife, and now I'm going to bed.
I thought about drinking ALL DAY. I'm sure that is to be expected, and may never go away...one day at a time. Thank you all for sharing and encouraging me and one another!
Introspectator

Hawkeye13

Great beginning!

One day at a time--the obsession will go away and things will get much better.

Soberwolf

Fantastic job getting through day 1