On starting and stopping
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
hi otter. I really don't have any hobbies or dreams. Hobbies take money. Sometimes I try to write a little but it always gets tedious and I don't enjoy it and read it later and it sounds no good at all.
Dreams not really... I mostly just dream of being in a quiet place and not have to deal with people. But no big dreams.
Mostly people will gravitate towards something they are good at but I really don't have any skills. Not in anything I enjoy anyway.
If I had money maybe I'd collect things but I don't.
Dreams not really... I mostly just dream of being in a quiet place and not have to deal with people. But no big dreams.
Mostly people will gravitate towards something they are good at but I really don't have any skills. Not in anything I enjoy anyway.
If I had money maybe I'd collect things but I don't.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Originally Posted by sleepie 
Guys?
Can I just say- a learning disorder is not a "bad attitude" or something you obsess over? It's something that is part of you, it's a physical difference that nobody sees as it resides inside your skull. It's not a mental illness. It's an intellectual issue that is very painful to live with and humiliating on many levels and not easy to talk about. Please can you stop and think what a day or a life might be like when your gray matter trips you up in various ways that are always a surprise and the related anxiety disorders that accompany that lifestyle?
Please try and understand.
This is not a pity party. This is real. It hurts and it's been a long and difficult life, and also one without the advantage of a caring family.
And though attention was brought to this disorder as a child, it was ignored. So that's not easy and not very relatable to most people, ok?
I've done my best to explain here.
I'm very tired and have to go now.
Can I just say- a learning disorder is not a "bad attitude" or something you obsess over? It's something that is part of you, it's a physical difference that nobody sees as it resides inside your skull. It's not a mental illness. It's an intellectual issue that is very painful to live with and humiliating on many levels and not easy to talk about. Please can you stop and think what a day or a life might be like when your gray matter trips you up in various ways that are always a surprise and the related anxiety disorders that accompany that lifestyle?
Please try and understand.
This is not a pity party. This is real. It hurts and it's been a long and difficult life, and also one without the advantage of a caring family.
And though attention was brought to this disorder as a child, it was ignored. So that's not easy and not very relatable to most people, ok?
I've done my best to explain here.
I'm very tired and have to go now.
Though it is probably different, your post describes very well how my life went for quite a while in sobriety, like many years.
The thing was that I very often did not see what was right in front of me. I could not take a hint, you would have to hit me with a plank to get a point across. It seemed strange as we are supposed to be a sensitive lot, but I seemed to have to repeat the same mistake many times before I learnt anything.
At one time I thought of starting SLA, Slow learners Anonymous, but I found the initials were already taken.
I look back on my life in sobriety and see so many instances where I was tactless or forgetful or inconsiderate, not deliberately but just because it did not occur to me to behave differently. I think I am a bit better now, but my memory still gets me into trouble. I often think that alcoholism must leave some permanent scars which may give trouble right through life.
I'd just like to wish well in your battle with benzos. It is not something I have had the misfortune to suffer, but I know people who have and it seems a very tough chemical to get away from. But they did, and so can you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
Thanks Mike as a matter of fact I may just get a few hours of sleep it's even rather early for me, 2:30 a.m. or so.
The benzos are tough yes, I am a bit worried about the withdrawals that can happen even long after one has quit entirely. I am on a slow taper but still fear it.
At least with my insomnia there is usually activity here from some part of the world I see we have a number of Australians and New Zealanders around.
The benzos are tough yes, I am a bit worried about the withdrawals that can happen even long after one has quit entirely. I am on a slow taper but still fear it.
At least with my insomnia there is usually activity here from some part of the world I see we have a number of Australians and New Zealanders around.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 464
Same boat here sleepie, at times I wonder why I'm not drinking since life now is scary!
I'm about 39 days in now a little over 5 weeks and it being better seems microscopic if any at all. I feel like its at its peak right now, whether or not to drink because the feeling of anxiety/depression/irritability gets old everyday.
I think our problem as addicts, is that we tend to focus on how we feel rather than the reality of the situation. For example, I feel good even though I'm ruining my life with alcohol. Now, its like I feel like crap even though my body is getting healthier and I have a bright future ahead of me. I've also lost a lot of weight even though all I can focus on is that its due to me losing my appetite because of the anxiety/depression.
Everyone, and I mean everyone I have talked to has said it will get better, its hard for me to believe but I keep holding onto that hope and try to get help when I can.
I just keep trying to get out and talk to people about it, rather than close up. Sometimes I feel like I don't want to do anything but I tell myself to do it anyway and it usually helps.
At work now, barely getting anything done and its already an hour in, the good thing is at least days are getting a tad quicker meaning that we are ever so close to being fully healed from our addiction.
I guess what is mostly keeping me from drinking again is knowing I'd have to go through this crap again and probably worse.
I'm about 39 days in now a little over 5 weeks and it being better seems microscopic if any at all. I feel like its at its peak right now, whether or not to drink because the feeling of anxiety/depression/irritability gets old everyday.
I think our problem as addicts, is that we tend to focus on how we feel rather than the reality of the situation. For example, I feel good even though I'm ruining my life with alcohol. Now, its like I feel like crap even though my body is getting healthier and I have a bright future ahead of me. I've also lost a lot of weight even though all I can focus on is that its due to me losing my appetite because of the anxiety/depression.
Everyone, and I mean everyone I have talked to has said it will get better, its hard for me to believe but I keep holding onto that hope and try to get help when I can.
I just keep trying to get out and talk to people about it, rather than close up. Sometimes I feel like I don't want to do anything but I tell myself to do it anyway and it usually helps.
At work now, barely getting anything done and its already an hour in, the good thing is at least days are getting a tad quicker meaning that we are ever so close to being fully healed from our addiction.
I guess what is mostly keeping me from drinking again is knowing I'd have to go through this crap again and probably worse.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Your writing ability has been mentioned before (by me, as well as others).
Everyone has strengths, as well as challenges. Some people have greater challenges than others. I think the key to happiness and a successful life (which doesn't necessarily mean material success, but one in which it's possible to feel useful in the world) is to play to one's strengths. You have them.
I'm not in any way minimizing your challenges, merely pointing out that you don't have to allow your challenges to define you.
Everyone has strengths, as well as challenges. Some people have greater challenges than others. I think the key to happiness and a successful life (which doesn't necessarily mean material success, but one in which it's possible to feel useful in the world) is to play to one's strengths. You have them.
I'm not in any way minimizing your challenges, merely pointing out that you don't have to allow your challenges to define you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
sleepie, perhaps you could explain how your disorder works? Then we might be able to respond in more helpful ways.
For instance, I was wondering if your disorder causes you to think negatively? I hope thats not an insulting question, but I have noted that you can at times get in to a seriously negative state of mind. You may fear being positive and hopeful? I am asking in hopes of understanding you better.
If so, then we would realize that it may not be as simple as practicing positive thinking, as you are recovering and tapering.
hugs
chic
For instance, I was wondering if your disorder causes you to think negatively? I hope thats not an insulting question, but I have noted that you can at times get in to a seriously negative state of mind. You may fear being positive and hopeful? I am asking in hopes of understanding you better.
If so, then we would realize that it may not be as simple as practicing positive thinking, as you are recovering and tapering.
hugs
chic
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
Hi all
That's a good observation chicory and thanks for the compliment lexiecat, I give writing a go sometimes but I really wonder do I have ADD as I am so low on patience, always have been... Here's a link to a video of an author with the same disorder, she explains it very well:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yk7inZOfv7M
If I have a negative way of thinking it's because I used to be optimistic and beat all odds in my attitude- before I knew had a learning disorder. After years, and years and years of picking myself up and dusting myself off in the face of failure and thinking I could get it right if I kept trying- I really just got worn out, just worn to a nub. I just couldn't figure out why things always went wrong no matter how hard I tried. Living with LD means something's gonna go wrong, every day- you won't know what it is but you know it's coming. And not always every day, spilled milk kind of typical life stuff... Sometimes it's minor, sometimes it's not, sometimes it affects others (that's the worst) and often it is humiliating, or public to a degree- like in the work place. The accompanying anxiety disorders from living this way are difficult to manage as well and I'm pretty certain this played into my drinking.
It wears a person out. I'm not young anymore. It's a lifestyle, an unchosen one. And it's not just every day stuff, it's big picture things too. Problems with landlords, not knowing your rights or how to handle harassment situations (when I was younger) never having savings and having to move from one crummy apartment to another, in equally shady neighborhoods every 2 years- so no real stability because you never make enough to just move somewhere and deal with the rent increases and stay awhile and make a life... rarely cooking healthy meals because it is exhausting to interpret a recipe, amass the supplies and organize in a way to successfully create a meal- it feels like so much to juggle and you don't know where to start or how to time things... feeling trashed at the end of every day even though your job is just entry level- but it takes so much out of you just to get through the day without an anxiety induced meltdown... having financial crisis every time a yearly appointment comes round, like an eye exam, or yearly dental cleanings- in short not being able to basically take care of yourself more than enough to just see the next day. The stress of people looking down on you for having a low wage job and thinking you are just plain lazy when in fact you feel like shutting down and crying because life as simple as it appears it should be for you to onlookers, it feels insurmountable after years of scrabbling around wondering why everyone around you seems to "get " life and has more than you do. They've got nicer clothes, things to do on holidays, people who care about them, family... and they take it for granted and see you as a screw up. And the shame of not being able to do better. The shame is so hard to live with. I'm in the closet about this disorder in real life.
It's difficult needing things to be simple and trying to deal with all the complexities that are easy for those around you every day. As an example, a friend once noted I had exactly enough shirts to get me through one week of clothing in my closet and no more. I just lived that way without thinking about it because it was one less thing to deal with. I was made fun of in my 30's for wearing black pants every day. My boss and a coworker at 2 different jobs. I guess I never thought about the fact that people really pay attention to what others wear, and critique it. I just figured, I was dressed acceptably for work, I was comfortable, therefore I could do my job. I was so ashamed I thrifted pants of another color so then wore 2 colors to work. but having piles of clothes to choose from would make me nuts.
I was just in a constant state of confusion and weariness before I found I had this disorder, about why things seemed so damn hard for me and people younger than me had better paying jobs, looked better, had better relationships, in short just knew how to "do" life. And I continued living like someone fresh out of college in my 30's and beyond as far as what I had and could afford. It's humiliating, and very, very taxing. After awhile it eats at your very sense of self. Its not an easy way to live. The fact that, as Joanne pointed out earlier, this is an "invisible" disorder makes it very frustrating because all it appears to be is a case of laziness or that the person simply doesn't work hard enough or try hard enough.
And the invalidation, disbelief or being just plain ignored on the few occasions I tried to talk to someone in my real life about it.
In short- my positivity just got plain used up. I mean... how much positivity can a person muster after living all their life trying their hardest and things going wrong almost all of the time anyway? That's a rhetorical question. I know that people need to think that with the right attitude, anything can be fixed- and I get it. I do. I don't want to rain on that parade for anyone. it might be true, for others. But the hard cold fact for me is, positivity and trying harder cannot and will not defeat an intellectual disorder. When I learned of this disorder at least I knew why my life had been all wrong, and though it was crushing to find this out about myself I knew at the very least that it wasn't entirely my fault and that at least there was a solid reason that things did in fact go badly for me most of the time- it wasn't just my imagination.
Well people I hope I haven't worn you out with all of that... I've written here a few times about this situation and well, it's a huge part of my life so that's gonna happen. thanks for listening fellow sobers... Thank you so much for caring to ask
That's a good observation chicory and thanks for the compliment lexiecat, I give writing a go sometimes but I really wonder do I have ADD as I am so low on patience, always have been... Here's a link to a video of an author with the same disorder, she explains it very well:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yk7inZOfv7M
If I have a negative way of thinking it's because I used to be optimistic and beat all odds in my attitude- before I knew had a learning disorder. After years, and years and years of picking myself up and dusting myself off in the face of failure and thinking I could get it right if I kept trying- I really just got worn out, just worn to a nub. I just couldn't figure out why things always went wrong no matter how hard I tried. Living with LD means something's gonna go wrong, every day- you won't know what it is but you know it's coming. And not always every day, spilled milk kind of typical life stuff... Sometimes it's minor, sometimes it's not, sometimes it affects others (that's the worst) and often it is humiliating, or public to a degree- like in the work place. The accompanying anxiety disorders from living this way are difficult to manage as well and I'm pretty certain this played into my drinking.
It wears a person out. I'm not young anymore. It's a lifestyle, an unchosen one. And it's not just every day stuff, it's big picture things too. Problems with landlords, not knowing your rights or how to handle harassment situations (when I was younger) never having savings and having to move from one crummy apartment to another, in equally shady neighborhoods every 2 years- so no real stability because you never make enough to just move somewhere and deal with the rent increases and stay awhile and make a life... rarely cooking healthy meals because it is exhausting to interpret a recipe, amass the supplies and organize in a way to successfully create a meal- it feels like so much to juggle and you don't know where to start or how to time things... feeling trashed at the end of every day even though your job is just entry level- but it takes so much out of you just to get through the day without an anxiety induced meltdown... having financial crisis every time a yearly appointment comes round, like an eye exam, or yearly dental cleanings- in short not being able to basically take care of yourself more than enough to just see the next day. The stress of people looking down on you for having a low wage job and thinking you are just plain lazy when in fact you feel like shutting down and crying because life as simple as it appears it should be for you to onlookers, it feels insurmountable after years of scrabbling around wondering why everyone around you seems to "get " life and has more than you do. They've got nicer clothes, things to do on holidays, people who care about them, family... and they take it for granted and see you as a screw up. And the shame of not being able to do better. The shame is so hard to live with. I'm in the closet about this disorder in real life.
It's difficult needing things to be simple and trying to deal with all the complexities that are easy for those around you every day. As an example, a friend once noted I had exactly enough shirts to get me through one week of clothing in my closet and no more. I just lived that way without thinking about it because it was one less thing to deal with. I was made fun of in my 30's for wearing black pants every day. My boss and a coworker at 2 different jobs. I guess I never thought about the fact that people really pay attention to what others wear, and critique it. I just figured, I was dressed acceptably for work, I was comfortable, therefore I could do my job. I was so ashamed I thrifted pants of another color so then wore 2 colors to work. but having piles of clothes to choose from would make me nuts.
I was just in a constant state of confusion and weariness before I found I had this disorder, about why things seemed so damn hard for me and people younger than me had better paying jobs, looked better, had better relationships, in short just knew how to "do" life. And I continued living like someone fresh out of college in my 30's and beyond as far as what I had and could afford. It's humiliating, and very, very taxing. After awhile it eats at your very sense of self. Its not an easy way to live. The fact that, as Joanne pointed out earlier, this is an "invisible" disorder makes it very frustrating because all it appears to be is a case of laziness or that the person simply doesn't work hard enough or try hard enough.
And the invalidation, disbelief or being just plain ignored on the few occasions I tried to talk to someone in my real life about it.
In short- my positivity just got plain used up. I mean... how much positivity can a person muster after living all their life trying their hardest and things going wrong almost all of the time anyway? That's a rhetorical question. I know that people need to think that with the right attitude, anything can be fixed- and I get it. I do. I don't want to rain on that parade for anyone. it might be true, for others. But the hard cold fact for me is, positivity and trying harder cannot and will not defeat an intellectual disorder. When I learned of this disorder at least I knew why my life had been all wrong, and though it was crushing to find this out about myself I knew at the very least that it wasn't entirely my fault and that at least there was a solid reason that things did in fact go badly for me most of the time- it wasn't just my imagination.
Well people I hope I haven't worn you out with all of that... I've written here a few times about this situation and well, it's a huge part of my life so that's gonna happen. thanks for listening fellow sobers... Thank you so much for caring to ask
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
I can relate to the lady in the video in many respects and not at all in some others. I've kinda come to the conclusion that I am the way that I am and if someone doesnt get me and doesnt want to take the time to get me oh well life goes on. I cant stress myself out about it I have to just keep doing what works for me. This is not to say i shoudlnt try to improve myself but I also cant beat myself up over things where it just is the way that I am.
Everyones unique even if you had 0 issues you'd still have people rough you up because your not more like (whatever it is they think you should be like) thats on them tho not you.
I can relate to your story about work clothes. I have to laugh cause i'm the same exact way I'll wear the same pants for weeks on end same few shirts and having too much to choose from just over complicates matters. and if i have tons to choose from i STILL only wear the same few things. I have 0 sense of style either I simply do not care. and when I try to care I fail miserably at out so why bother.
Do you think your are accepting of your disablity etc..? It sounds like it bothers you a lot and at some point maybe you'd be happier if you could think oh well this is the way that is it is and smile and move forward with it. Or even be happy you have it since it makes you you?
I started realizing in sobriety that there are people who got it way wway worse then me in this life and they are happier then I am and i was like WTF is wrong with me? and I coudl not for the life of me get it through my thick head that I should be happy about my circumstances etc.. It took a while to finally become more accepting of things as they are for me.
For a while i seriously was the same guy who would go and complain about the color of my shoes to the guy who had no feet. Yeah there was definatly something wrong with me. My wife even pointed it out to me a number of times that i was being an A$$hole and I should consider the audience I was speaking too before I complained about my troubles.
AND NO dont take that to mean something negative about your posts please thats not my point.
But by my wife and others saying stuff like that to me it got me to kinda start thinking about that audience. it wasnt always that the other guy had it better then me or something. And in time I found by thinking about that audeience i thought about myself and why was it so hard for me to just start to be come ok with things.
I dunno why it was so hard. for me I really dont. But somewhere along the line through thinking about others and such I guess i started to find it a little easier to be in my own shoes. Even tho I didnt always like being me! in time however i started to like being me even.
Its hard sleepie. its a process. I wish there was an over night solution but I think if there was I'd be drinking every night and then waking up the next morning and hitting the "make me sober and sane switch" each day.
Everyones unique even if you had 0 issues you'd still have people rough you up because your not more like (whatever it is they think you should be like) thats on them tho not you.
I can relate to your story about work clothes. I have to laugh cause i'm the same exact way I'll wear the same pants for weeks on end same few shirts and having too much to choose from just over complicates matters. and if i have tons to choose from i STILL only wear the same few things. I have 0 sense of style either I simply do not care. and when I try to care I fail miserably at out so why bother.
Do you think your are accepting of your disablity etc..? It sounds like it bothers you a lot and at some point maybe you'd be happier if you could think oh well this is the way that is it is and smile and move forward with it. Or even be happy you have it since it makes you you?
I started realizing in sobriety that there are people who got it way wway worse then me in this life and they are happier then I am and i was like WTF is wrong with me? and I coudl not for the life of me get it through my thick head that I should be happy about my circumstances etc.. It took a while to finally become more accepting of things as they are for me.
For a while i seriously was the same guy who would go and complain about the color of my shoes to the guy who had no feet. Yeah there was definatly something wrong with me. My wife even pointed it out to me a number of times that i was being an A$$hole and I should consider the audience I was speaking too before I complained about my troubles.
AND NO dont take that to mean something negative about your posts please thats not my point.
But by my wife and others saying stuff like that to me it got me to kinda start thinking about that audience. it wasnt always that the other guy had it better then me or something. And in time I found by thinking about that audeience i thought about myself and why was it so hard for me to just start to be come ok with things.
I dunno why it was so hard. for me I really dont. But somewhere along the line through thinking about others and such I guess i started to find it a little easier to be in my own shoes. Even tho I didnt always like being me! in time however i started to like being me even.
Its hard sleepie. its a process. I wish there was an over night solution but I think if there was I'd be drinking every night and then waking up the next morning and hitting the "make me sober and sane switch" each day.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Sleepie, thank you for sharing that. It explains a lot. When I read learning disabled I think of my husband. He has dyslexia. Your disability is far more complex . Now I can better understand your challenges.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Thank you sleepie if there is anything that we can do to help, please, educate us on that. You have support and love here.
My son has many of these characteristics. I used to wonder how he would manage to mess up chances, for jobs, or while on a job. Now I understand, as he was diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder. Its treatable, with therapy he could learn how to manage better, but he denies having it. So, there we are. I know it hurts his self esteem, when things go bad and he will have some crazy reason, but he has to come up with a reason, to try to avoid it being his mess up.
ADD is part of it too, but he won't entertain that either. He is super smart, can build a computer from the ground up, but not a lot of common sense.. its very frustrating for me, as I want to help him to help his self. Denial is a destroyer.
I believe its very good that you know this, about yourself. for with knowledge comes possibilities, I think. You might learn where your weakness are, and learn to avoid some of the things you might have done before. There is something somewhere for you, that you would do well, for a job. its gotta be frustrating to try finding it. but do not give up on that. you are smart in many ways.
I too wore black a lot... its slimming, for petes sake. and anyone who made fun of you needed a punch in the mouth....
love you sleepie.
if there is anything that we can do to help, please, educate us on that. You have support and love here. My son has many of these characteristics. I used to wonder how he would manage to mess up chances, for jobs, or while on a job. Now I understand, as he was diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder. Its treatable, with therapy he could learn how to manage better, but he denies having it. So, there we are. I know it hurts his self esteem, when things go bad and he will have some crazy reason, but he has to come up with a reason, to try to avoid it being his mess up.
ADD is part of it too, but he won't entertain that either. He is super smart, can build a computer from the ground up, but not a lot of common sense.. its very frustrating for me, as I want to help him to help his self. Denial is a destroyer.
I believe its very good that you know this, about yourself. for with knowledge comes possibilities, I think. You might learn where your weakness are, and learn to avoid some of the things you might have done before. There is something somewhere for you, that you would do well, for a job. its gotta be frustrating to try finding it. but do not give up on that. you are smart in many ways.
I too wore black a lot... its slimming, for petes sake. and anyone who made fun of you needed a punch in the mouth....
love you sleepie.
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