How to get sober in secret
 

Hi, I am new. I am an alcoholic. I know this. I don't need to drink every day but I think about drinking every day, and when I do drink (anywhere from 3-5 days a week depending on how stressed out I am) I don't know when to stop. I have a beautiful 2 year old daughter that I love more than life itself. I have a husband who loves me (I am not sure how I feel about him anymore but this is a different story). And I have a family who loves me. My problem (other than my alcoholism), I don't (I can't) want to tell them how much of a problem I have. I am scared to death they will see me as an unfit mother. Who knows - my in laws might try to take her away from me. I never drink and drive with her in the car, and when I am alone with her at home I try to wait until she goes to bed. But, I don't want people to think I can't take care of my child. I want to get better but I am not sure how to do it in secret. I can tell my mom (she struggles with alcohol like I do) but I don't want the rest of my family to think of me differently.

Does anyone have any advice? Anyone sober up in secret? Thanks.

You might read up on Rational Recovery. Having an understanding about the Addictive Voice and the "Beast" was very helpful to me. There's an online crash course I'm told but I didn't use it and don't know where to find it,

Look in the Secular Section here at SR for the very lengthy discussion of the AV (Addictive Voice). To me, being able to separate myself from the AV and identify the Beast was a break through that really helped me.

Love from Lenina

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ined-long.html

no one really new i had a drinking problem well at least when I quit i felt no one really new. I was able to quit and just say i was looking out for my health or something if it even came up in conversation.

My wife new tho and to be honest even I didnt know i had a drinking problem. I swore up an down drinking was not the problem. Oh sure I had lots of problems but not drinking. I enjoyed it etc.. about a year into sobriety i finally admited to myself and some others that i was an alcholic.

I'd be open about it to your spouse you may want his support as best as he is capable of giving it understand it can be hard for a non alcoholic to understand this disease etc..

I dont see why you have to announce it to the world however. No reason for that. and all the mixed reactions could be a lot to handle so early into sobriety.

I was going to suggest the same as Lenina above. It was no secret I was a drunk, but until reading through Rational Recovery's material I hadn't considered that I could quit "on my own", let alone the idea of just stopping , full stop. Please do look into it, it hopefully will resonate .
Wish you well , hope to see you around

oh and I sobered up without AA etc.. the first year. But I dunno that I'd recomend it. if you have the option get whatever support you can at least. It can make your life easier.

Welcome onmyown. It can certainly be scary to admit your problem, and there are places like SR where you can get lots of support and remain anonymous. There are also other methods like AVRT and other self-paced methods that you can learn about here.

Having said that, most likely your husband already knows you have a problem. As addicts we think we are hiding it well, but in reality it's impossible to keep it from those close to us. They can smell it on our breath, they see how we act when we are drinking, they see the financial impact of the money spent, they find the empties, etc. I personally could never have gotten sober without telling my wife and getting her support. I didn't share it publicly but to me hiding my recovery is nearly as bad as hiding my drinking.

Welcome to Sober Recovery.

Have you quit drinking yet?

You haven't let concerns about being an unfit mother stop you from drinking. Don't let them stop you from quitting.

I got sober without telling anyone. I just put one foot in front of the other until I had a week, a month, and recently a year. I told different people sporadically when it came up but it rarely did. Most people I know barely drink so it took quite awhile for the subject of alcohol to get brought up at all.

I suppose it's possible, but for me accountability was important and helpful in quitting. Honesty with the people I care for: same thing.

Make sure you aren't using the secrecy as a way to minimize going back to drinking. I know that may sound rude, but our AV's have a lot of tricks up their sleeves. "Nobody knows I quit, so having a drink now is not a big deal."

Hi and welcome onmyownrecovery :)
There's some great advice here.

I've known people who did recover in secret, using things like SR, so it's possible.

Unless there's a history between you and your inlaws tho I don't think anyone would accuse you of being an unfit mother :)

In my experience families tend to be more willing to downplay the problem, rather than 'make it a thing'.

If thats what's stopping you from going public and using meeting based groups like AA or whatever, you might want to reconsider that :)

D

I don't know how things "work" in your family, but I don't see that everyone in the world needs to know every issue you have. I DO think it's unfair and unreasonable not to discuss it with your husband. He is the person you should be closest to, and sooner or later it's likely to come out, and he might feel very hurt and betrayed that you didn't confide in him. I think it's totally reasonable to ask him to keep the information private, at least for now, and until you feel comfortable disclosing it to someone else.

It's usually very helpful in early recovery NOT to keep alcohol in the house. Without discussing it with him, he might not realize he's creating problems for you by drinking around you.

If your drinking is not YET at a point where you are endangering your child, by addressing your problem now, you are being the ultimate in responsible parenting. I work in the legal field, and it's next to impossible to prove someone is an unfit parent, even when they have untreated addictions. Unless you have abused or neglected your child, there is no basis for anyone to say you are "unfit."

Please consider having a heart-to-heart with your husband and ask him to support you on this. At some point, other family members might notice you aren't drinking, and ask why. All you need to say is that you've decided you feel better when you don't drink. Period.

Please don't try to do this in complete secrecy. Having a drinking problem isn't something any of us chooses. But the sooner you address it, the happier and healthier you and your family will be.

I am recovering "in secret". My family does not and will not know. They're very judgmental and things went very south when I was in high school and they found out I was depressed and suicidal. Zero comfort. All judgment and it was blamed on me. Moving on...

My husband knows I'm recovering, as does my pastor and my best friend. I HIGHLY recommend that you discuss everything with your husband. Even though things may be rocky right now, it'll help you in the long run. I know for me personally, when I'm around someone who doesn't know, I will tell myself it's ok to drink, despite whether or not I want to. Accountability is huge!! I fully admit that I am an addict and an alcoholic and I cannot trust myself to be alone with alcohol without one of my accountability partners. I don't do AA, I don't do rehab or therapy.

Believe me when I say, accountability, if nothing else, will get you through this!!!

doggone, this sounds terribly harsh.
onmyown, i'm pulling Carl's post up because it says exactly how it was for me.
i drank in secret, which got worse (because it was easier) after i lived on my own and we "shared" the kids.
yes, i was deeply ashamed and worried i was an unfit parent. and no, that didn't translate into stopping.
it's bizarre.
it IS harsh.

your kid is two, and you're here. that's great!

getting connected with others has been a huge factor in my continued sobriety.

you have a chance to do this now, before it gets worse and you get more "stuck" and paralyzed.
i hope you grab it!

welcome to you.

Doing it on your own is possible. I myself "came out" to a few too many people in the early goings and wish I'd have done things differently. That said, I'm 3 years sober so I am not complaining.

Keep in mind that you need to make changes. Big ones. Will your family notice when you stop drinking wine? Will they notice when you back out of BBQs or don't attend the wedding receptions? Will they notice when you say "no thanks" to a late night bar party? Probably. At some point, letting others know firmly, and with confidence, that you've stopped drinking alcohol is going to happen. And what's to be ashamed of?

All this said, worrying about "ifs and buts" is a common theme. It's just another way for the booze to keep you in its grip. There is never a perfect time to quit. It's not a walk in the park. You will have ups and downs. But the only other alternative is to continue down the road you are on. Again - there is never a good time to quit. The best time though, by far, is now. Go for it.

Hi onmyownrecovery.

I quit on my own. My husband knew, my best friend did, that was all then.

Strange, but you think everyone around you knows. But, they don't. They know what you tell them and how you act.

I found this forum a few months into quitting and it helped me on my recovery and to stay sober. To pick up and collect all the tools I would need to help against my addiction.

The plus side, you get half your life back, the part where you was once too hung over or passed out from drinking.

So much more time to have and to hold with your family.

I quit in secret. My best friend lives outside my town so she didn't actually SEE me in person a lot as wine took over my life, and I live alone. It wasn't hard to "quit in secret." I kinda like that phrase. I made no declarations. I just hit the end of the road and quit. Now when people offer me alcohol, I just say "it doesn't work for me" which leaves them puzzled but informed!

I quit in secret too, but I don't have a spouse or SO, so that part doesn't apply. I didn't want to tell people because I really don't want judgement or to deal with well-meaning but off-the-mark comments or advice.

I'm only on day 28, so I don't have that much experience, but I can say that so far, so good.

Delfin

Recently something terrible happened (caused by my drinking ) and I told my father about it - something I never thought I'd do. Especially as my family is a trigger and they really depend on me - I am like the parent for them all.

Believe it or not it was actually freeing and made me feel better, my dad was actually supportive. It can be a relief to let the anxiety out - I feel its a step closer to me accepting the depth of my problem and accepting responsibility.

I feel people need to know who I really am - not the facade I try to project - that I am always there and completely stable. Im not. I'm human I'm frightened and sometimes even I need their help.

I feel I'm closer to being the real me - that's the person I want to free from alcohol and dependance, even other people's dependence.

Good luck to you, they seem a lovely supportive crowd here - so you won't be recovering on your own, but with everyone here x

Welcome Recovery you don't have to be alone the support on this site is unmatched SR is second to none in terms of anonymity

In this together recovery

I got sober with just SR over 3 years ago. My husband knew I was "taking a break from drinking." Very few friends and family I trusted knew I was "on a health kick." My husband now knows I am an alcoholic and some of those friends and family now know I don't plan on drinking again. So I have felt like I was getting sober in secret. Very recently things became difficult and I decided to give AA a try. Only my husband knows I go. I'm just not ready and not sure if I ever will be ready to tell others. If it came down to my sobriety being at risk, I would share and ask for help though. Because if I pick up again, eventually everyone will know anyway, and I will lose everything.