Drinking a bottle of wine a night - am I alcoholic
Alcoholic
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Australia
Posts: 23
Drinking a bottle of wine a night - am I alcoholic
Damn right I am!
"Drinking a bottle of wine a night - am I alcoholic?" This is the google search that led me to SR back in March (about 5 months ago). I've been sober ever since and intend to remain that way forever.
A bottle of wine or a six-pack of beer was my normal level of drinking most nights of the week with a couple "white knuckle/bored zombie" nights a week to support my denial and maintain my cover. However, I always wanted more than "just" the bottle and tended to unconsciously limit my supply of booze so that when the bottle was finished, I didn't have anything else available to drink.
I was searching google to find some approval for the insane idea that I could maintain a tenuous compromise between my thirst (bottle) and what to me was obviously problem drinking (>bottle). What I came to realize was a bottle of wine is too much and less than a bottle is not enough (for me). I realized that I was deep deep deep into over a decade of alcohol abuse that had rendered me isolated, depressed, and very much brain damaged (PAWS).
Upon reflection the key thing that tipped me off that my bottle a night drinking was really hurting me is that I was experiencing really intense sweating in the day time. I'd always been a bit more sweaty than most but the more I thought about things and read SR, I realised that I was experiencing a constant cycle of drunk/withdrawal/drunk. I was waking in the night with sweats and regrets, I was feeling intense anxiety throughout the day that was only alleviated by drinking, my hands would have a tremble to them when held out, I felt lethargic, sensitive to sunlight, and my head and body would ache. I was maintaining a daily regime of drinking litres of water to minimise my hangovers and consuming 4-6 cups of strong black coffee to stay sharp.
However, beyond the physical symptoms that I had a problem were the psychological and behavioral signs. My life revolved around being at home from 6:00pm each evening so I could drink. As evening approached I could literally feel a lump rising in my throat compelling me to my first drink. I would think/plan/justify/ strategize about drinking more than any other activity. Drinking was always a factor in decisions about socialising, eating out, vacations, weekend activities etc.
Apart from the occasional period of healthy living (always manic / all or nothing) that I cannot recall lasting longer than 6 months (being generous) I have been pursuing my drinking career in earnest for the last 18 years (I'm 36). I started out with epic all night binges on the weekend in the night clubs that would culminate in blackouts and leave me shaking the next day. The all night binges became less frequent (still 2-3 year) and my drinking graduated into regular evening drinking that would allow me to work the next day. A bottle of wine or a 6-pack of beer became my line in the sand, which I regularly crossed of course. Particularly whenever there was a socially "appropriate" occasion such as wedding, bucks, even Friday arvo drinks with the boys usually ended on a bender for me.
All the while, my life has been travelling on two seemingly opposite trajectories. While binge drinking during university days, I ended up with major anxiety issues and dropped out. Lost the love of my life and was depressed. Then got a decent job worked hard became a senior manager. Finished my degree. Got the love of my life back and we started living together. Quit my job, on the dole, moved back with my mum, on shaky ground with my girl. Got new job, climbed the ranks, got engaged, married, bought a car and house, traveled the world, finished another degree. Now I'm unemployed again but working through recovery and very optimistic about the future. I'm pretty sure there must be some correlation between my alcohol abuse and these trajectories.
Somehow I've been self regulating up to the razor's edge without consciously acknowledging that alcohol is my problem.
OR, and this is why I'm posting now...
I do intermittently realize that alcohol is destroying all the blessings in my life. However, after a period of conscious abstinence during which I get things back on track, I inevitably "forget" that alcohol is the problem. I start drinking again.
That's where I'm at now. Except this time I'm aware of my erroneous thinking and I'm holding on to the conscious awareness that I have a drinking problem. My drinking problem specifically is that one bottle is too much (to maintain my health and blessings) and less than one bottle is not enough (for me to get my buzz on).
But, it feels like I'm only just barely holding on to this awareness. Over the past few days I've been justifying about having a drink. It feels like I had to push my self awareness back up out of some murky depth to remind myself that drinking is a bad idea. Thankfully, I have my head back on and decided against drinking.
I'm really grateful that soberrecovery exists. I'm so glad that I got the answer I was really looking for when I asked google about whether it was ok to drink a bottle of wine everyday. I'm extra glad that I have a resource for navigating sobriety over the last few months (struggling with PAWS). I'm eternally grateful for having a place to go when I need reminding and reassurance that I'm going in the right direction and nothing is worth going back to drinking.
I never write on forums or comments but decided to contribute here for the following reasons: (a) give something back, (b) consolidate my thinking about my drinking problems, (c) most importantly, I wanted to label myself as an alcoholic in a public forum. I've been avoiding the alcoholic label forever but I'm coming to the realization that it will actually be empowering for me because it will fight against my biggest problem which is forgetfulness and complacency about my alcoholism after a short period of abstinence.
So here we go. I'm an alcoholic. Thanks for listening.
Comments/advice always welcome.
"Drinking a bottle of wine a night - am I alcoholic?" This is the google search that led me to SR back in March (about 5 months ago). I've been sober ever since and intend to remain that way forever.
A bottle of wine or a six-pack of beer was my normal level of drinking most nights of the week with a couple "white knuckle/bored zombie" nights a week to support my denial and maintain my cover. However, I always wanted more than "just" the bottle and tended to unconsciously limit my supply of booze so that when the bottle was finished, I didn't have anything else available to drink.
I was searching google to find some approval for the insane idea that I could maintain a tenuous compromise between my thirst (bottle) and what to me was obviously problem drinking (>bottle). What I came to realize was a bottle of wine is too much and less than a bottle is not enough (for me). I realized that I was deep deep deep into over a decade of alcohol abuse that had rendered me isolated, depressed, and very much brain damaged (PAWS).
Upon reflection the key thing that tipped me off that my bottle a night drinking was really hurting me is that I was experiencing really intense sweating in the day time. I'd always been a bit more sweaty than most but the more I thought about things and read SR, I realised that I was experiencing a constant cycle of drunk/withdrawal/drunk. I was waking in the night with sweats and regrets, I was feeling intense anxiety throughout the day that was only alleviated by drinking, my hands would have a tremble to them when held out, I felt lethargic, sensitive to sunlight, and my head and body would ache. I was maintaining a daily regime of drinking litres of water to minimise my hangovers and consuming 4-6 cups of strong black coffee to stay sharp.
However, beyond the physical symptoms that I had a problem were the psychological and behavioral signs. My life revolved around being at home from 6:00pm each evening so I could drink. As evening approached I could literally feel a lump rising in my throat compelling me to my first drink. I would think/plan/justify/ strategize about drinking more than any other activity. Drinking was always a factor in decisions about socialising, eating out, vacations, weekend activities etc.
Apart from the occasional period of healthy living (always manic / all or nothing) that I cannot recall lasting longer than 6 months (being generous) I have been pursuing my drinking career in earnest for the last 18 years (I'm 36). I started out with epic all night binges on the weekend in the night clubs that would culminate in blackouts and leave me shaking the next day. The all night binges became less frequent (still 2-3 year) and my drinking graduated into regular evening drinking that would allow me to work the next day. A bottle of wine or a 6-pack of beer became my line in the sand, which I regularly crossed of course. Particularly whenever there was a socially "appropriate" occasion such as wedding, bucks, even Friday arvo drinks with the boys usually ended on a bender for me.
All the while, my life has been travelling on two seemingly opposite trajectories. While binge drinking during university days, I ended up with major anxiety issues and dropped out. Lost the love of my life and was depressed. Then got a decent job worked hard became a senior manager. Finished my degree. Got the love of my life back and we started living together. Quit my job, on the dole, moved back with my mum, on shaky ground with my girl. Got new job, climbed the ranks, got engaged, married, bought a car and house, traveled the world, finished another degree. Now I'm unemployed again but working through recovery and very optimistic about the future. I'm pretty sure there must be some correlation between my alcohol abuse and these trajectories.
Somehow I've been self regulating up to the razor's edge without consciously acknowledging that alcohol is my problem.
OR, and this is why I'm posting now...
I do intermittently realize that alcohol is destroying all the blessings in my life. However, after a period of conscious abstinence during which I get things back on track, I inevitably "forget" that alcohol is the problem. I start drinking again.
That's where I'm at now. Except this time I'm aware of my erroneous thinking and I'm holding on to the conscious awareness that I have a drinking problem. My drinking problem specifically is that one bottle is too much (to maintain my health and blessings) and less than one bottle is not enough (for me to get my buzz on).
But, it feels like I'm only just barely holding on to this awareness. Over the past few days I've been justifying about having a drink. It feels like I had to push my self awareness back up out of some murky depth to remind myself that drinking is a bad idea. Thankfully, I have my head back on and decided against drinking.
I'm really grateful that soberrecovery exists. I'm so glad that I got the answer I was really looking for when I asked google about whether it was ok to drink a bottle of wine everyday. I'm extra glad that I have a resource for navigating sobriety over the last few months (struggling with PAWS). I'm eternally grateful for having a place to go when I need reminding and reassurance that I'm going in the right direction and nothing is worth going back to drinking.
I never write on forums or comments but decided to contribute here for the following reasons: (a) give something back, (b) consolidate my thinking about my drinking problems, (c) most importantly, I wanted to label myself as an alcoholic in a public forum. I've been avoiding the alcoholic label forever but I'm coming to the realization that it will actually be empowering for me because it will fight against my biggest problem which is forgetfulness and complacency about my alcoholism after a short period of abstinence.
So here we go. I'm an alcoholic. Thanks for listening.
Comments/advice always welcome.
Last edited by AllieFox; 08-17-2015 at 11:07 PM. Reason: title bug
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Northumberland, England
Posts: 113
Well done and welcome Alliefox.
5 months is great, this place is spot on for getting things out of your head. I've had plenty of sound advice in these first few months that have helped me maintain my sobriety when my AV has been nagging me to pick up.
5 months is great, this place is spot on for getting things out of your head. I've had plenty of sound advice in these first few months that have helped me maintain my sobriety when my AV has been nagging me to pick up.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Allie. You have support here.
Some of the rest of the world will listen to our alcoholic issues for a while, but they are usually trying to change the subject. Even my wife.
100 days here. PAWS as well.
The best advice given to me recently is to stop fighting the addiction. That is exhausting. Surrender to sobriety. So much easier.
Some of the rest of the world will listen to our alcoholic issues for a while, but they are usually trying to change the subject. Even my wife.
100 days here. PAWS as well.
The best advice given to me recently is to stop fighting the addiction. That is exhausting. Surrender to sobriety. So much easier.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 4,225
Hi AllieFox, welcome.
Yes, such a pity that struggling against the word alcoholic actually prevented me from thinking I had a problem. It all felt controllable, like I was drinking because I wanted to, because it helped me relax, or I deserved it, or whatever reason I chose each day.
When I realised I was a rat on a spinning wheel I couldn't seem to get off, and the hangovers were nightmarish and my work performance was suffering, I knew it couldn't go on and I was indeed the alcoholic I'd spent at least the past 7 years denying I was.
Support here is great and I've never had a problem that I thought no one would ever understand here. Even though we are all different, we've all had similar struggles with our addictions. Many ups and downs. Getting sober is well worth the effort though.
Yes, such a pity that struggling against the word alcoholic actually prevented me from thinking I had a problem. It all felt controllable, like I was drinking because I wanted to, because it helped me relax, or I deserved it, or whatever reason I chose each day.
When I realised I was a rat on a spinning wheel I couldn't seem to get off, and the hangovers were nightmarish and my work performance was suffering, I knew it couldn't go on and I was indeed the alcoholic I'd spent at least the past 7 years denying I was.
Support here is great and I've never had a problem that I thought no one would ever understand here. Even though we are all different, we've all had similar struggles with our addictions. Many ups and downs. Getting sober is well worth the effort though.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
Wonderful post, a great read. Sounds so familiar. Great line about "forgetfulness" being your worst enemy. I post here regularly even though I haven't drank in 3 years. The first year SR was a lifeline, these last couple I've been able to pay it back. You'll be a great addition, can't wait to hear more from you!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 464
Great post! Can't wait until I reach 5 months.
I denied being an alcoholic for years as well, thinking my 6pack (sometimes more on the weekends) was "moderate". I had the same experience as you regarding the sweating and the "lump" in my throat when that certain time of the day (6pm just like yours) came around. I also began to revolve my life around going to the grocery store right after work, once 3pm hit I began planning it out in my head. My excuse was always "well at least it's not the liquor store", which doesn't matter at all.
Also I would always plan my days out and weekends around drinking and hardly socialized if it got in the way. I was even calculating the hours I would be able to sleep and how many hours I have to drink whenever I was away from my home.
Anyway, welcome!
I denied being an alcoholic for years as well, thinking my 6pack (sometimes more on the weekends) was "moderate". I had the same experience as you regarding the sweating and the "lump" in my throat when that certain time of the day (6pm just like yours) came around. I also began to revolve my life around going to the grocery store right after work, once 3pm hit I began planning it out in my head. My excuse was always "well at least it's not the liquor store", which doesn't matter at all.
Also I would always plan my days out and weekends around drinking and hardly socialized if it got in the way. I was even calculating the hours I would be able to sleep and how many hours I have to drink whenever I was away from my home.
Anyway, welcome!
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by AllieFox 
I never write on forums or comments but decided to contribute here for the following reasons: (a) give something back, (b) consolidate my thinking about my drinking problems, (c) most importantly, I wanted to label myself as an alcoholic in a public forum. I've been avoiding the alcoholic label forever but I'm coming to the realization that it will actually be empowering for me because it will fight against my biggest problem which is forgetfulness and complacency about my alcoholism after a short period of abstinence.
So here we go. I'm an alcoholic. Thanks for listening.
Comments/advice always welcome.
So here we go. I'm an alcoholic. Thanks for listening.
Comments/advice always welcome.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
However, after a period of conscious abstinence during which I get things back on track, I inevitably "forget" that alcohol is the problem. I start drinking again.
That's where I'm at now. Except this time I'm aware of my erroneous thinking and I'm holding on to the conscious awareness that I have a drinking problem.
hi AllieFox,
welcome, and congratulations on your sober five months.
reading the above, my thoughts are that it might help if you can get clarity on where and what "the problem" is.
you say that alcohol is the problem, and then that you have a drinking problem. those two things are rather different.
my story is much like yours (but lasted til my early fifties) and i couldn't get my turn-around until i saw that alcohol is not the problem. the problem is in me. therefore, the idea of one drink is not only insane but also ridiculous, since i don't want one drink. i don't want the tenuous compromise we both attempted. it was torturous, self-defeating, denial-upkeeping, exhausting....
stick around on the posting side.
That's where I'm at now. Except this time I'm aware of my erroneous thinking and I'm holding on to the conscious awareness that I have a drinking problem.
hi AllieFox,
welcome, and congratulations on your sober five months.
reading the above, my thoughts are that it might help if you can get clarity on where and what "the problem" is.
you say that alcohol is the problem, and then that you have a drinking problem. those two things are rather different.
my story is much like yours (but lasted til my early fifties) and i couldn't get my turn-around until i saw that alcohol is not the problem. the problem is in me. therefore, the idea of one drink is not only insane but also ridiculous, since i don't want one drink. i don't want the tenuous compromise we both attempted. it was torturous, self-defeating, denial-upkeeping, exhausting....
stick around on the posting side.
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