tursiops999

Welcome Allie -- congratulations, and thanks for the insightful post!

I related to so much of what you wrote. I too was a "bottle of wine a night" drinker -- not so much binging, just regularly daily intake of wine. It was really hard to wake up to the realization that I'm an alcoholic.

And that sneaky alcoholism is always trying to tell us "we don't really have a problem, it's not that bad, it's ok to drink". I think that's why support from other sober people is so important -- to serve as a daily reminder of our need to be abstinent. I've found a lot of support (and a good hedge against denial) in AA, and also reading SR.

Thanks again for your post, and welcome.

tortoise1

Congrats on 5 months, I myself am pretty recent and I also planned out my nightly bottle of wine so that I did not have more but I most def never had less. So familiar the sweating scenario. Your post really sounded like you were reading my mind. For a minute, I thought it might have been something I wrote while drunkenly stumbling upon sober recovery. Anyhow, congrats and good luck.

AllieFox

Thanks D122y, "surrender to sobriety", I really like that. Surrendering feels like the sun on my face while I walk through the shallow waves on the beach with my 18-month old son in my arms.

AllieFox

Thanks fini,

I appreciate the challenge to differentiate between alcohol and "the problem". I must admit that I hesitated when writing that line. You've got me thinking.

I think it might be more complex than just "the" problem. Perhaps a syndrome of problems that all lead to the same solution (drinking).

But... If I had to put my finger on something, I'd say that lack of gratitude/acceptance/worthiness has something to do with it. That is, I think sometimes I ignore all the great blessings in my life and instead go looking for problems/complications. That's where alcohol comes in.

Recently I've been focusing on all the great things in my life. Recognizing and accepting blessings that I somehow came upon and actually seeking and expecting more. This really diminishes any craving for alcohol.

The thing that confuses me though about differentiating between alcohol and "the problem" is that most of my family (both sides) are or have been alcoholics (parents, grandparents, siblings, uncles and aunties). Do we have the same "problem" or do we just share the same (erroneous) solution?

fini

yes, it might well be more complex.
i wrote from my own experience, which includes endless years of seeing alcohol as the problem; the problem to which the solution is managing better, controlling it better, being stronger, smarter, less abandoning to the so-called pleasure. more in charge.

when i woke up to the fact i was a drunk (those are the words that it hit me with), there was a shift: i had a problem, sure, but the problem was in me. played out in my relationship with alcohol.
no alcoholism in my immediate family that i know of.
anyway, after i quit, it took me a good while to see that yeah, as you say, drinking had been my solution. wow. i then understood i now was "solutionless", and went on from there.

as far as your last paragraph...good question. take all the time you need to try and figure it out if you think it matters.
what might matter more (turned out to be so for me) is to find a new solution now. a real one. lasting one.
i like what you're aware of about a perspective heavily skewed to the negative, and the deliberate focus on looking and finding the positive.
ha! this kind of talk used to make me kind of ill with it's poly-annish sounding sugary sticky sweetness.
but it sure "works". amzingly well.

HeartsAfire

That one was a game changer for me. The wording I heard was "I no longer cling to abstinence - I embrace sobriety."

I'm so glad you're here sharing your story. I can relate to so much of it which is interesting since I'm a 45 year old mother of 2 from Texas. Just goes to show that our stories are all so similar.

Congrats on 5 months & for finding us. Welcome home.