laur24

Hi everyone,

Lately I have been wondering if I am an alcoholic. I went to AA meetings for 6 months and got a sponsor, got up to step 4 and left because I felt that ultimately what was wrong with me was my depression.

I have never felt addicted to alcohol. I can have a sip of someone's drink just to try it, and I'm done for the day. I hate hard liquor. Or I can have a beer with friends and I'm completely fine. But what kicks me in the butt is when I'm depressed.

I've suffered from depression since I was 16 years old. I'm 25 now. I did some thinking last night and counted all the times I drank this past year. 9 times in all. Out of those 9 times, 6 of those times I drank like normal drinker. It was those 3 times that I went through an emotional meltdown and binged.

I feel like it creeps up on me. I go through something really stressful and I think I'm okay and then I have the one beer, and I think "oh, no.. its gonna happen again, I'm going to need more of these. I'm not okay" And I know it's wrong. I know I should stop after the second beer, but I think "I dont care. I dont care if I get in trouble, I need this pain to go away."

Of course the next morning I'm counting the empty beer bottles to find out just how many I drank... usually 6+ beers and I feel so completely hungover and even more depressed than before! I vow that next time I get depressed I won't do this to myself. But then the depression comes around 4-6 months later and I do it again.

Like I said though, during those periods without depression I drink here and there.. once every couple months and I seem to have no issue.

So what's going on with me? I was doing some reading on situation drinking and being a situational alcoholic. I think I am definitely a problem drinker, but I just get really confused at AA meetings. The people I have met there seem to have been full blown alcoholics, drinking from sun up to sundown and I can't relate. And I went to a meeting every day for 90 days and then after that 3 times a week and going to all those meetings makes me think about alcohol 24/7 whereas before i thought about alcohol 2-3 times a year! I felt I was going crazy thinking about alcohol and talking about alcohol everyday.

Please help

zjw

well if you dont drink you can elimnate it from being an issue and besides it contributes to depression anyhow so its not like its really going to do you any favors. Then spend some time learning about depressing and seeing if you can find a way to beat it see your doctor about it etc..

me? I drank because i was an alcoholic and I used it to cope with anything really. I had bad anxiety and when i sobered up i still had bad anxiety. I never felt that i was depressed. But one day i took a supplement for depression hoping it would help my anxiety but I new technically it really wasnt for that but anxiety can be something that goes hand an dhand with depression so on a whim i took it. wala I started to feel better and then i had a better outlook and thought huh was i depressed? I had no idea i was so depressed etc..

I guess by your logic I could go back to drinking now since I got the depression somewhat in check. but I wont becuase I know the drinking can lead to depression and wont do me any favors anyhow. and for me my depression issues are an ongoing battle. Just like being an alcoholic is an ongoing thing for me. I at the very least have to spend the rest of my life being cognisent of a few things like this and try and steer clear of such stuff. Its like having a food allergy and it never goes away. I wont suddenly wake up cured and thats ok with me.

Soberwolf

Welcome Laur

laur24

Thank you, zjw.. You're right. Alcohol isnt doing me any favors and it does make me more depressed.

If I think back on it, the 6 times I did drink normally this past year, I regretted it anyway. Not because of the amount I drank, but because I felt it was such a complete waste of my time. Yeah, I hung out with friends, but I dont like watching people get drunk and I felt I would have had more fun going to a movie or staying in to read a good book.

I have been in therapy and am currently in therapy right now. I also see a psychiatrist for my depression. I know the alcohol is bad for me, but when my depression gets bad, it's my crutch. I know I shouldn't do it and I'm only going to feel 10x more depressed the next day, but I just want to drown it all out for one night. So I binge.

I'm here now because I binged 2 days ago and the depression and shame the next day was absolutely terrible. I currently live with my mother and there is a no alcohol policy in the house. She's seen what it can do to me and others in our family. The rule is, if she smells it on me or sees it, I'm out of the house. I took the chance anyway 2 days ago knowing I wouldnt be able to get the smell off of me or sober up in time before I got home. Obviously my mom said if I dont get more therapy, or some sort of support group to get control of whatever my issues are, I need to leave the house because she can't take the stress and worry from seeing me drink. Like I said I KNOW I am a problem drinker. I got a DUI 4 years ago.

I just struggle with the fact that my underlying issue is my mental health and I use alcohol as a coping mechanism during tough times but am not necessarily addicted to it.

I'm talking to my old sponsor today and reaching out to people to see what advice they can give me.

zjw

alcohol is a funny drug. I think its probably possible to not be physically addicted but maybe mentally dependant on it.

using anything for a crutch thats unhealthy isnt a great idea. even now in my sobreity I find i use exercise as a crutch. some might tell me to an unhealthy level but I say BAH i could make a worse choice.

I can relate to you wanting to drown it all out in booze. back when i drank a buddy of mine both agreed that we didnt really know how to deal with this life but we did know one thing at the end of each day we could stick our heads in the bottom of the beer barrel and drown ourselves in beer and that was enough to get us through another day.

my appraoch was bad at the time. I never was able to solve anything by drinking.

moving forward in life now depression etc. its an ongoing battle. if i'm not careful i'll slip right back into the pit its something I have to watch out for. I have my good days and my bad days.

I dont think there is some magical cure for depression and alcholism etc.. I htink its just an ongoing process and as you develop more and better coping skills it gets easier.

Fly N Buy

Alcoholism is the only illness that convinces us we don't have it - I would hear this from friends early on and now believe it. Reading posts on SR of things that people have done many times over and over should convince us of that! I know I kept repeating the same mistakes.......

I am at 14 months and attend AA. I too did massive amounts of meetings - I enjoyed them, mostly. Then It became too much. Like with all things, I struggle with balance. Even on SR......... I have cut back on meetings and currently hit 2-3 per week. Keeps me engaged but not overrun.

When I came into AA I was willing to be willing. Something had to change. It took awhile for me to get to that point of acceptance, however. I identify with the section of stories in Big Book - They Stopped In Time. Have you read some of those????

I have learned when I drank if I intended on only having one or two drinks but did not stop, and did this on a fairly regular basis - this might be an issue. It indeed became an issue.

Remember, we are dealing with a progressive illness. The way we drink may change over time. It did for me no doubt. The really awful things we hear and read about - most had not happened to me - YET.

Once I read the statement - I'd rather walk around thinking I was an alcoholic sober than thinking I was not drunk and it made sense to me. I could take me time figuring out some text book label, I suppose, but booze was not my friend.

Labels, names etc really don't mean a lot. The real issues is - when you drink, do you sometimes drink more than planned putting yourself or others in harms way/jeopardy?? If so - that is powerless

If/When this happens can you always control your actions? if no - that is indeed unmanageable.

What does your heart of hearts tell you your relationship should be with alcohol? My experience is our brain likes to forget what our last drunk was like.

Glad you're here with us
Keep coming back

D122y

Deleted...Googled it..

breath

It's the only disease that is sel-dignosed and self-treated.
Have you read "THe Doctor's Opinion" in the Big Book? It sure helped me!

The firt step in treatment is admission and acceptance, then we can move forward, only then; don't be stuck on the fence!

Dee74

Hi Laur

I think of you're binge drinking to self medicate for depression, it's still a problem no matter what you want to call it.

Are you seeing a Dr for your depression at all?

D

huntingtontx

I asked myself that a lot at first. I can't relate to what everyone else does. I didn't drink every day all day, and most days it was not a problem, but the days it was were bad. I did not trust myself. I felt like a bad person. I quit drinking and realized, it does not matter what we call ourselves, or how any one else drinks. If you want to quit, you are in the right place. You will find lots of love and support. I have never been sorry I didn't drink last night. lol Life is so much better without alcohol. If it is a problem in your life, and a dwi is a problem. Then it is time to quit. Good luck, and remember, you are not alone. We are all here with you.

mpr

Drinking and depression often go hand in hand. Most addicts try to fill an empty void with themselves with drink and drug.

If you aren't an alcoholic (yet) you can easily become one as you are more vulnerable to the drink due to depression.

leviathan

You don't have to be an alcoholic to stop. If you suspect it's taking more than giving, trust the instinct.

There is a continuum (my belief) for those that drink alcohol. It ranges from imperceptible problems (it is toxic to all living cells) to life-ending dependency.

Wherever we fall in between, the tricky part is stepping back and truthfully evaluating how much damage is being done. Is it acceptable?

-took me a bit to figure that one out. LOL!

laur24

Thanks, Fly N Buy..

I really need to be more willing. I was in program for 6 months and I think I should have given it some more time to sink in. I have read the They Stopped in Time stories and while I don't really relate to the drinking everyday, I SO relate to how alcohol made them feel. When I'm depressed life just makes no sense, and alcohol takes it all away. I suddenly know how to act and talk in front of people. I feel I belong. Life just makes sense again.

I do drink more than planned when I'm in my depression. I will do anything to get rid of it.. regardless of the consequences. You're right that is powerlessness. Am I powerless to the depression or the alcohol? Or does it even matter?

Definitely unmanageable. I know I'm going to binge so I lock myself in my room. But that doesn't stop me from calling people up and then being so embarrassed the next day thinking, "why did I do that?"

My heart of hearts says this relationship is completely wrong. I need to find a new coping mechanism. My life can't be like this. This binging every 4 months to get through my troubles. Life can't be this depressing.

You've really given me something to think about. I called my old sponsor and people in program earlier today and I'm going to finish my steps and go back to meetings. While my sponsor and therapist don't think I'm an alcoholic necessarily, they both think I will benefit from doing the stepwork and the fellowship.

laur24

I have read The Doctor's Opinion but it's been a year since I've cracked the Big Book open! I'm sitting with it open right now and I have so many passages highlighted and underlined. The part that I identified with was "After they have succumbed... they pass through he well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again." For me I never emerge with he resolution not to drink again, but not to drink again to escape my problems.. but a couple months pass and something happens and yet again, even though I said I wouldn't do it, even though I said the next day you'll regret it.. I end up doing it anyway because it's the only thing I know that works.

I definitely have a problem with drinking. So maybe I'm not an alcoholic. But I have a problem. And I think somewhere along the lines I lost sight of that in program and I stopped seeing where I do identify.

laur24

You are so right. There has never been a time when I was sorry I didn't drink last night. The scary part is that sometimes I just don't trust myself. Thank you for the support <3

Yes I'm currently seeing a therapist and psychiatrist. It's a problem. You're right. I think I've been fooling myself. It has only been until today that I realized life can't be like this. This depression and self medicating. It's not working.

laur24

This is what I'm scared of.. the "yet" part. I have a problem with drinking but do I really want to wait until I without a doubt am an alcoholic? No.

It's definitely taking more than it's giving. It's so not acceptable. I end up more depressed than before, feeling lost and alone.

I'm definitely going back to AA meetings now. If anything, to open meetings until I can identify. And I need to finish those steps. I ended on step 4. I just couldn't finish that step. It really terrified me. The next time I start saying I want to leave AA I'm heading right here and looking back over this thread.

Thank you so much everyone

dox

Well done for coming back, laur.
It took me 20 years to come back to AA after those six AA meetings that my DUI earned me.
I, too, drank to self-medicate my psychological illness.
Eventually, I was drinking every day.
I couldn't stop on my own.
I can still tell myself that it wasn't that bad, my self-medicating: my drinking.
But, that's just part of my denial.

The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking.

There are those of us who baulk at step 4 and never come back.
So, I say again:
Well done.

mpr

Well that's a good thing, you are being proactive, you've identified the problem and saught out help. Too many people wait until they are alcoholics before the address the problem and even then some never do.

One thing though, you say you have a problem but are not an alcoholic yet. You may not be one yet but I'll tell you there is a very, very thin line between having a problem and being an alcoholic. The line is often so blurred it is hard to distinguish one from the other.

Most people that frequent this site are alcoholics even if they don't admit it. Even the ones who search Google and find the site but don't even post are alcoholics. Normal people don't search Google like that and definitely don't post here.

Glad you did post though and please do stick around.

IOAA2

Hi.

After going through a lot of questions and excuses/rationalization I finally helped myself by telling myself on a daily basis:

“ I cannot drink alcohol in SAFETY.”

BE WELL

greens

I would definitely check out some sort of Counseling for depression and look at the smart recovery website.
AA is great in a lot of ways but when it came to my dial diagnosis smart is what really helps me. I am diagnosed ptsd with anxiety and depression, there is definetely a correlation between my depressive episodes and my binge drinking and drug use. Smart gave me tools to cope with that.
But definitely seek out therapy too if you haven't done that already