Holds1325

Hi,

I recently quit drinking after several years as a beer drinker. One night i got drunk and smoked some weed and developed panic attacks. Anyway since then I've decided to sober up, Ive been sober for one month.

Its been so very hard and my life is falling apart since I quit to the point that I am beginning to question why I quit in the first place. Before I quit I was very good at my job and did very well at home besides my 6pack everynight to de-stress.

Now. i cannot cope at all, Im getting very poor performance at work and my family life is deteriorating around me. I simply cant handle work anymore at all.

I went to the doctor and seen a therapist and they say this will pass and prescribed me citalopram. Ive even tried outpatient recovery here at a local center but I cannot function at all. Doctors have put me on different medications and they only seem to make things worse.

Im extremely depressed, unmotivated and cannot sleep well anymore. It seems to be getting worse everyday. ive been exercising, eating when I can and talking with people and its not helping at all.

Please help me understand why I traded my alcohol for this life? Contemplating going back to alcohol.

Jema33

Think about your health. If you drink every day, your going to get sick.
Also, this is a period of change, adjustment. It takes a while. Are those around you aware you have quit?

Holds1325

Yes almost everyone I know is aware that Im trying to quit. I do think about my health and this depression is making my health worse! I have high blood pressure. cant sleep, cant eat hardly anymore, developed digestive problems and cant even think straight at all anymore, i feel like im at a crossroads here, my life was much more manageable and enjoyable on alcohol, this feels like no way to live now. Im not suicidal or anything I would never do that to my children and wife, but i feel like something has to change or Im going to lose everything.

Elizabeth333

I thought like you for many years and maybe the alcohol did keep me going for a long while, then - it stopped working and down the elevator I went. Family sad, work gone, and great darkness overtook me. Just climbing out now. But that's my story. I had to get slammed against the wall to wake up. Not everyone needs to have that happen.

zjw

I could have written your post right down to your location too!!

I had to simplify things. I had to one by one scrap everything on my plate of worry in my mind and slowly add back in what i could when i could as i could.

In my case its the same story my work performance went south. I've somehow managed to get good reviews but I dunno how. In my case how you feel now at 1 month I felt my job would get better that I'd be able to cope with stuff better in time. In thats partly true for me. and Partly not true. I had to make changes to make life easier. I had to learn how to accept things for how they are etc..

My job never got easier. My work situation is the same now as it was on day 1. I wil say in the last few weeks I've managed to kinda let it go some and not let it get to me. This for me is a relief.

I think ultimately at your particular stage in the game you have to focus on #1 and getting yourself healthy. your better off healthy and jobless then still drinking and being a mess in your current job. Your better off healthy and jobless etc.. even tho you have a family to provide for etc..

I hope you can get to the point where you surrender your problems etc.. and can focus more on yourself and getting healthy.

I was just thinking today how sobriety so far has been like this for me. I had to first step into myself take a look around at the internal messes i created and do some housework. THen I had to learn how to step over myself you know get over myself and learn how to get out of my comfort zone even see what its like to be around the living. Then i had to learn how to step out of myself learn how to take a step back look at my life where i'v eben where i'm going learn how to step into someone elses skin and try and see things through there eyes etc..

Keep it simple. I know it aint easy but if you keep it simple you'll make it easier on yourself.

Congrats on the 1 month. and I hope the panic attacks have subsided. those are why i quit. I was having such awful panic attacks i didnt know what else to do. In hind site I thank god for those panic attacks. I dunno that anything else woulda gotten me sober. I coulda lost it all and not cared. but those panic attacks pushed me over the edge into sobriety.

Hawkeye13

A month is a great start but you really need to give yourself some more time to normalize.

It is hard right in the beginning but really gets better fairly quickly--

Soberwolf

Welcome Holds

Holds1325

Thanks for the replies, i just feel worthless and extremely sad and have recently had crying spells because I get so angry that I feel this way. I am contemplating going back to drinking just so that things are normal again.

zjw

play the tape would it really be better? and if so for how long?

thats always my kicker. I have moments too where i'm like ugg whats the point maybe i should just throw in the towell. But then I think about how life was day in and day out with drinking and i'ml ike ugg i dont wanna go back to that either.

Holds1325

Playing the tape back it IS better, sure I got hungover here and there and spent alot of money but I was happy and never ever felt like I do now, life had optimism and things were easier to handle and i rarely missed a day of work, now, its as if I'm always sick and cant even get out of bed, it feels worse everyday. Ive missed almost 2 weeks of work now and my paid leave is exhausted im at my end here

zjw

From my view your going through a tough spot breaking free from the chains of booze. And if you keep moving forward away from the booze it will get better. But given my work situation I cant say that you'll suddenly solve your job problems by drinking again. I dont know that your job problems are becuase of a lack of booze in your life to cope with them. the problems are still there woudlnt it be nice to have a job that does not have these issues? or be able to cope with the one you got without having to drink?

I see where your coming from. and If you think its better to drink do so roll the dice and give it a whirl again its your choice. Maybe your not ready to quit I dunno.

But you got a month under your belt. I woulda killed for just a day at one time. I dunno you got 30 of them? its a big achievement. I think you should come a little further down the road one day at a time if you can.

Sometimes you just gotta say screw it. I threw my hands in the air on many problems when i sobered up. I hit a point where I had to say F'it and make sobriety my #1 priority.

I hate my job as well. I'd rather spit in my bosses face and send him to hell then pick up another drink just so i can stomach another day at this job.

In my case I still have not solved my job problem. But I know drinkings not gonna solve it.

Sounds like your at a crossroads. But I think you must be doing something right going this far. There has to be something that makes you wanna stay sober?

Gano

Hi holds. Having sobered up a few times in the past I have had similar situations where I felt overwhelmed. Often if I started drinking at that point I felt worse.

As mentioned above your body and mind need time to adjust. A month sober is great and I hope I can get back to that point too.

zjw

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Z5OookwOoY

I like the above video for motivation.

Holds1325

The only thing thats keeping me from drinking right now is the fear of death and panic attacks, also my children want me to stop but what happens if i lose my job, my house? just because I quit and threw myself into this emotional prison?

I just feel so confused lately and people tell me its only going to get worse before it gets better well what if I lose everything before it gets "better"

zjw

what if hasnt happened yet. I've asked myself those very same questions for 4 years now and i'm still sober.

What helps? quit asking what if. who the heck knows what if. You could get hit by a bus tommorrow or win the lotto. ALl your family could get killed or you could all go on a great vacation you won who the heck nows. But life can and will go on and you can go on with it without booze it is possible.

How do I stop the what if games? I try and remain present. I try and worry about right now this moment today. I try not to think about yesturday or tommorrow becuase today has enough troubles of its own. I try and "be present" in this moment etc..

"I dont have a future therefor i am supremely happy"-- mooji

It might sound rediculous and childish to think OMG why should I not plan for the future etc.. But at the same time how many times do you want to live this worrisome future of yours now instead of then? While your busy worried and living the future moments your missing this one that is happening right now the joy you could be having now.

I dunno. I kinda had to one by one go through all this "Stuff" i had built up in my head and burn it all down and rise up out of the ash. It takes time and it doesnt happen over night but its worth it.

Sobering up is more about the journey then the destination.

I think if you wanna be the best you for you your probably better off not drinking. I fyou want to be the best you for your family your probably better off not drinking.

i've gone so far as to forewarn my wife that i might loose my job because i'm having a hard time coping is all. I've put it out there. there wont be any surprises. I look for another job that i can "handle" all the time. But I know at the end of the day it is what it is and i'm sober so whatever.

Dont let your job define you. theres more to life then jobs and stuff etc...

I think you should hang in the game. What if in an hour or a day or a week or a month you where to hit that turning point and go yeah gee this is better? but you went back to drinking and missed it.

I dunno panic attacks are awful. I couldnt go back to those and they just got worse and worse for me when i drank. I used to be afraid to leave the house that i'd have a panic attack while driving and kill someone etc.. I"m glad there gone for me.

zjw

For the record Im thankful for my panic attacks. I'm thankful I went through the hell your going through now. If only I could have embraced it with a smile when i was at your stage of the game. But in the thick of it i was going out of my mind!

But I needed all of that to push me forward. it really was the only motivating force i had for a good while (not to scare you) but it did get better.

Holds1325

Yeah you are right I will be a better person as the result and it could cost me my job. I am simply not prepared for that, not to mention if I lose my job, I lose my house that same month, its tied to a contract so I dont know, is being sober worth being homeless and throwing my family into that type of situation?

with Alcohol, 75% productivity

Sober, almost 0%

zjw

yeah it is. because life will go on you will find a way and things will work out. Sober or not your always going to have bumps in the road.

You could loose your job for 10000 other possible reasons too what does it matter?

I dunno if its wise to look to your job for your security. Its a tough spot to be in that your in right now no doubt. I've been there. But its liberating once you get to the other side of it.

I kinda had to throw it all on the line dump gasoline on it torch it all so that i could move forward. and No i'm not suggesting you just quit your job or something. But I had to get over all this "stuff" i conjured up in my head that was giving me so much grief.

I had to learn to kinda just go with it. even tho my mind wanted t tell me so many things and get me all worked up about so much stuff. I had to start to shut that off and smell the roses instead its more rewardng anyhow.

If you like to read I could suggest some books to help.

I know its hard tho. I was terrified to go back to drinking still am. and i was terrified to move forward. The reason for my terror moving forward tho was all the what ifs i played in my head. I kinda had to quit careing and not give a crap. I had to surrender it etc..

You know a lot of folks quit there jobs to get sober. or take months off of work. or go to rehap for months etc... I somehow managed to retain my employment I have no idea how and get sober. I was one of the lucky ones in hindsite.

I'm not gonna disagree with you that its hard. Just gotta get back up and keep moving forward.

You have to get up each day do what you can do your best and be happy with that.

So many days i logged into work did basicly nothing cause i was a trainwreck only to log out and go welp. I did the best i could I hope that was good enough cause its all i had today *sigh* and that was that. I still do this somedays.

I asked my higher power to look out for me so much because i felt like i was disabled basicly.

its debilitating sobering up it really is. But it gets better. my job situation still stinks but everything else is ok.

zjw

for what its worth I'm glad you posted I'm finding it beneficial and I hope that people here can help you if even for a day to talk you off the edge and you can go to bed sober again tonight etc..

I had many bad days only to just say screw it go to bed wake do it again. i was like a robot at this in the begining. becasue every day was a bad day!

Now? i like coming here and helping out but I also like when I post and someone can talk me down. Cause yeah sure at 4 years sober I still have my moments where i'm like screw this. But its just a moment it passes etc.. or its a bad day tommorrow will be better etc..

the bad times get shorter and further apart as things start to normalize it takes time.

Holds1325

Yeah I feel like. i could control this job loss reason thought i guess thats why I want to go back to it. In other words i feel like ive exhausted all other possibilities that would work and they have not, i feel like all i have left is to drink again and hope itll go back to normal because it is definitely not normal now.

They said i could take up to 6 months off to get sober and enter a rehab but its so expensive, even way more expensive then my habit, i dont know, i need to re evaluate my life i guess, like you said, maybe im just not ready to quit yet.....