Self-destruction / Self-Sabotage
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 70
Self-destruction / Self-Sabotage
Part of my process in this separation from my long term A GF is trying to at least gain some level of understanding of how she sees the situation (sort of outside looking in). Impossible to do but those of you in this forum just seem so insightful and open.
When we split 4 years ago, and are now splitting again today, there seem to be so many common themes that I can't ignore but at the same time, can't understand.
Self-destruction. When we were at the precipice of "normal", as much as normal can be (basically a boring, regular, life with both of us working 40 hours a week, earning money, settled) was when things came to a head. Last time, we were about to be married. This time, she finished 4 crazy years of school mixed with work and we were finally at a point where basically, life would be what many would call "normal". Work, make money, pay the bills, keep the house in order, some recreation when time allowed (though certainly not an "every weekend is party time" mentality)...We're there, and NOW she chooses to self-destruct again. After our wedding plans imploded, we separated, and eventually got back together, it took this long to get back to a spot where life just became, well, life. And then, BOOM. Does she need conflict? Struggle? Is this self-loathing to the point where life can't be good and if it's getting too close to good, it has to be destroyed?
Stubbornness. Both times we have gone through this I have been the one attempting to talk. The most I got was a text-based (yes, she was home, but wanted to text, not talk) conversation after she'd had a bunch of drinks, accusing me of no longer loving her, not loving her for a long time, not being supportive, having to walk on eggshells around me, never being "good enough" for me, etc. She cried. It's been sad since. We live in the same house but separate. She occasionally will mention a song that makes her sad or that she's sad overall. But why can't she TALK about it? Is the reason a conversation not possible because she knows we've hit that stalemate? I mean, if she's not ready to change, I guess there's nothing to say, and that may be why she's sad. Either that or she wants me to change (again) and tell her I'll tolerate the drinking again (beg her back?) I would guess she's aware that any conversation she initiates with me, unless it's "I want to be better", will not change anything. Perhaps that's why she doesn't even want to have a conversation about it? Once she knows the line is in the sand, unless I scratch out the line, there's nothing for her to say.
Not to ramble but I guess the bottom line is that I'm wondering, is this sort of self-defeating, self-destructive, stubbornness part of the symptom set? Can she not help it? It's awful to live together and feel so apart. It's even worse to think that there is a solution but it's evading us.
I wish I had the answers, I wish I could understand!
When we split 4 years ago, and are now splitting again today, there seem to be so many common themes that I can't ignore but at the same time, can't understand.
Self-destruction. When we were at the precipice of "normal", as much as normal can be (basically a boring, regular, life with both of us working 40 hours a week, earning money, settled) was when things came to a head. Last time, we were about to be married. This time, she finished 4 crazy years of school mixed with work and we were finally at a point where basically, life would be what many would call "normal". Work, make money, pay the bills, keep the house in order, some recreation when time allowed (though certainly not an "every weekend is party time" mentality)...We're there, and NOW she chooses to self-destruct again. After our wedding plans imploded, we separated, and eventually got back together, it took this long to get back to a spot where life just became, well, life. And then, BOOM. Does she need conflict? Struggle? Is this self-loathing to the point where life can't be good and if it's getting too close to good, it has to be destroyed?
Stubbornness. Both times we have gone through this I have been the one attempting to talk. The most I got was a text-based (yes, she was home, but wanted to text, not talk) conversation after she'd had a bunch of drinks, accusing me of no longer loving her, not loving her for a long time, not being supportive, having to walk on eggshells around me, never being "good enough" for me, etc. She cried. It's been sad since. We live in the same house but separate. She occasionally will mention a song that makes her sad or that she's sad overall. But why can't she TALK about it? Is the reason a conversation not possible because she knows we've hit that stalemate? I mean, if she's not ready to change, I guess there's nothing to say, and that may be why she's sad. Either that or she wants me to change (again) and tell her I'll tolerate the drinking again (beg her back?) I would guess she's aware that any conversation she initiates with me, unless it's "I want to be better", will not change anything. Perhaps that's why she doesn't even want to have a conversation about it? Once she knows the line is in the sand, unless I scratch out the line, there's nothing for her to say.
Not to ramble but I guess the bottom line is that I'm wondering, is this sort of self-defeating, self-destructive, stubbornness part of the symptom set? Can she not help it? It's awful to live together and feel so apart. It's even worse to think that there is a solution but it's evading us.
I wish I had the answers, I wish I could understand!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
TG, two suggested reads for you. "Under the Influence" and AA's Big Book. Those are the two best primers for getting a broad understanding of alcoholism for the non-alcoholic. Here's the the Big Book online. You will never understand it the way an alcoholic does, but if you read those two books (Under the Influence is available at Amazon and in bookstores), you will probably learn as much as a non-alcoholic can learn about what happens with alcoholism.
One of the key things to remember is that alcoholics are often driven by fear. They are afraid of failure, of not being good enough, of not fitting in. And one of the hallmarks of alcoholism is the need to keep convincing yourself that everything is OK, the problem is with other people, places, and situations, and that, essentially, nothing is wrong with them. They can quit anytime they want to, and if the world would just cooperate they wouldn't drink so much. And it's up to the world to change, not them.
One of the key things to remember is that alcoholics are often driven by fear. They are afraid of failure, of not being good enough, of not fitting in. And one of the hallmarks of alcoholism is the need to keep convincing yourself that everything is OK, the problem is with other people, places, and situations, and that, essentially, nothing is wrong with them. They can quit anytime they want to, and if the world would just cooperate they wouldn't drink so much. And it's up to the world to change, not them.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 70
I had no idea you could read the big book online. This is helpful. Thanks so much.
I wonder what makes me so interested and involved in reading, talking and understanding vs. her complete lack of interest in the subject? Fascinating. I would have to think anyone who comes here, and is reading this, has taken such a huge wonderful step...I wish she would have the courage to do the same.
To anyone who is tangled up in alcohol and reading this, what a wonderful thing for you to have come here to try and help yourself and understand. Applause.
I wonder what makes me so interested and involved in reading, talking and understanding vs. her complete lack of interest in the subject? Fascinating. I would have to think anyone who comes here, and is reading this, has taken such a huge wonderful step...I wish she would have the courage to do the same.
To anyone who is tangled up in alcohol and reading this, what a wonderful thing for you to have come here to try and help yourself and understand. Applause.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: highland beach, florida
Posts: 649
Originally Posted by TryGuy 
I had no idea you could read the big book online. This is helpful. Thanks so much.
I wonder what makes me so interested and involved in reading, talking and understanding vs. her complete lack of interest in the subject? Fascinating. I would have to think anyone who comes here, and is reading this, has taken such a huge wonderful step...I wish she would have the courage to do the same.
To anyone who is tangled up in alcohol and reading this, what a wonderful thing for you to have come here to try and help yourself and understand. Applause.
I wonder what makes me so interested and involved in reading, talking and understanding vs. her complete lack of interest in the subject? Fascinating. I would have to think anyone who comes here, and is reading this, has taken such a huge wonderful step...I wish she would have the courage to do the same.
To anyone who is tangled up in alcohol and reading this, what a wonderful thing for you to have come here to try and help yourself and understand. Applause.
Thank you TryGuy for your acknowledgement of just how wonderful this forum is in helping those that "want" to be helped.
Know this __you are so very interested in reading and understanding alcoholism because you are NOT the alcoholic. Your GF is and she just not ready to come to terms with it.
There is also a very good post you should read her under "The A Word" the original poster has made a great post about just this thing and Venicia , has made the perfect comment.
IMOO these 2 posts can help simplify what you are about to read! Check them out if you will.
Trix
Last edited by TrixMixer; 08-13-2015 at 07:07 AM. Reason: worded wrong
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
Does she need conflict? Struggle? Is this self-loathing to the point where life can't be good and if it's getting too close to good, it has to be destroyed?
I cant speak to a lot of what you state because i'm not a women and i'm not about to try and understand all of that with her and the relationship etc..
But to the point I quoted. If it where me you where asking about i'd say Yes. I do the self destruct behavior by default. why? because its easier till it isnt anymore. Because my life couldnt possibly be good it never has been why will it be now. If it starts to get good its like my alter ego starts plotting how to screw myself
I also have a tencancy to over react. For example if something slightly goes wrong my whole universe implodes. I dont need anger management or something its just that I basicly hit the self destruct button. I'm getting better at controling this. For example I have a leak in a gasket on my car its a 100 dollar problem no biggie. but my default behavior is OMFG what now things could not possibly get any worse could they ?!! I wanna throw in the towell i give up maybe i should go drink etc.. Thats basicly how i handled anything that came my way for years. I blow a gasket kick and scream then stew over said problem while drinking for years upon years never dealing iwth it just putting into my pile of stuff to bitch about.
Fast forward to now. I dont do that stuff much. Life is good and it scares me! I guess thats ok. I guess its ok for life to be ok. I even thought the other day you know its ok to look at where you have been an dwhere you are and be happy about your progress. Its ok for life to be ok. This is something that doesnt come simple for me. Walking the straight and narrow takes effort for me. It is not exactly easy or at least not easy like other people make it seem to be etc..
So yeah she could simply be wired this way and it will take effort on her part to make a change.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by TrixMixer
Know this __you are so very interested in reading and understanding alcoholism because you are NOT the alcoholic. Your GF is and she just not ready to come to terms with it.
Trix
Trix
I was in denial. It wasnt me with a problem, it was the world.
Learning what it meant to be an alcoholic could have screwed up my drinking.
i wasnt ready to stop no matter how much damage i left in my wake.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
Originally Posted by tomsteve
This was true for me. When i was a practicing alcoholic, i had absolutely no interest in learning about alcoholism for a couple reasons:
I was in denial. It wasnt me with a problem, it was the world.
Learning what it meant to be an alcoholic could have screwed up my drinking.
i wasnt ready to stop no matter how much damage i left in my wake.
I was in denial. It wasnt me with a problem, it was the world.
Learning what it meant to be an alcoholic could have screwed up my drinking.
i wasnt ready to stop no matter how much damage i left in my wake.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 70
A couple years ago when she was at one of the peaks of the drinking (like we've hit again now) she decided to try a meeting (once or twice, can't remember). She came back with a lot of literature but I think it was all too much for her to take. She is not spiritual at all (so that doesn't help) and I think that plus perhaps hearing some of the labels and perhaps even a little bit of "I don't belong in this group, I don't have this level of a problem" type stuff that scared her from wanting to go back.
We're not in a super large metropolitan area, I bet if there was a womens-only group (and she was ready to try) she could be in a really good spot. I didn't ask her any details about her meeting (her business, hers to tell/share or keep on her own) but it's possible that the group was predominantly male and that was also a bit daunting.
We're not in a super large metropolitan area, I bet if there was a womens-only group (and she was ready to try) she could be in a really good spot. I didn't ask her any details about her meeting (her business, hers to tell/share or keep on her own) but it's possible that the group was predominantly male and that was also a bit daunting.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
TryGuy, I've been following your posts on F & F too--
I think you are right part of it is the "self-destruct" because "normal is boring", especially if you grew up with chaos / fear / low self-esteem.
Certainly that was part of my drinking development--I came from an alcoholic home and if there wasn't drama, life wasn't normal. I also learned from my alcoholic parents that drinking was how you dealt with stress, and that relationships had to have ups and downs (read drunken drama) to be "exciting".
Frankly, I think this may be her baseline as well, but I also think your instinct (which you posted on another thread) that there is another man already in the picture is accurate.
If this is the case, she doesn't want to repair or review but move on and she is currently in a holding pattern until she leaves.
This is unfortunate for her, as you sounds like a wonderful person who loves her deeply, but right now her addiction is running the show.
My best advice as a former drinker is to step back and take care of yourself.
Get some distance from her ASAP and I think more will be revealed.
I'm sorry you have been through this cycle twice--
I think you are right part of it is the "self-destruct" because "normal is boring", especially if you grew up with chaos / fear / low self-esteem.
Certainly that was part of my drinking development--I came from an alcoholic home and if there wasn't drama, life wasn't normal. I also learned from my alcoholic parents that drinking was how you dealt with stress, and that relationships had to have ups and downs (read drunken drama) to be "exciting".
Frankly, I think this may be her baseline as well, but I also think your instinct (which you posted on another thread) that there is another man already in the picture is accurate.
If this is the case, she doesn't want to repair or review but move on and she is currently in a holding pattern until she leaves.
This is unfortunate for her, as you sounds like a wonderful person who loves her deeply, but right now her addiction is running the show.
My best advice as a former drinker is to step back and take care of yourself.
Get some distance from her ASAP and I think more will be revealed.
I'm sorry you have been through this cycle twice--
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 70
It's very insightful stuff here especially about the "life can't be too good" or crisis type of stuff. It's sort of like drama/conflict/pain is the normal, and the absence of all that stuff (what many of us "normies" as you call us may call a healthy relationship) is what feels WRONG.
I'm trying hard not to speculate or investigate her life any further even though she still lives here. I will admit I still feel owed a degree of decency and respect as long as she's sleeping here, though I can't expect that (I think in her eyes, the moving of her things to another part of the house where she now sleeps/primps/etc was her "moving out" of the relationship).
Out of sight, out of mind will work better for me, but I don't see a reason to have friction or fight especially if we can be civil -- It's just SO WEIRD to be at this point where the person you considered your closest companion in life is now almost an alien in your home. Very weird atmosphere and energy and it does bring out the sadness.
Even weirder is the LACK of drinking...Before we decided to separate, the drinking was levels of insanity. Then we're breaking, suddenly the drinking doesn't stop completely, but lessens and then becomes almost like...NORMAL....???....Almost saying either "look, you said I had a problem and look how good I am" or "Look, now that I know we are separating I don't drink as much, YOU were the problem all along!"
All this insanity above illustrates why Hawkeye is so on the money -- Despite how my posts sound (and they are really all coming from a desire to understand how we got here)...I am already on the path to bettering myself. Slept better last night. Eating healthier and less! Exercising daily. Taking care of the house (keeping it clean!). Staying busy at work. Making plans with friends. Even with the sadness often looming over what's happening, I know that in time, the more I stay busy on things about me and my life, not hers, the easier things will get.
I hope no one minds these posts over here (I'm happy to move this back to F&F forum as well), I more-so started these threads here because I was really interested to hear the point of view of the other side of the fence. I am trying to better understand where she is, why and how it all got so far down this crooked road...again.
I'm trying hard not to speculate or investigate her life any further even though she still lives here. I will admit I still feel owed a degree of decency and respect as long as she's sleeping here, though I can't expect that (I think in her eyes, the moving of her things to another part of the house where she now sleeps/primps/etc was her "moving out" of the relationship).
Out of sight, out of mind will work better for me, but I don't see a reason to have friction or fight especially if we can be civil -- It's just SO WEIRD to be at this point where the person you considered your closest companion in life is now almost an alien in your home. Very weird atmosphere and energy and it does bring out the sadness.
Even weirder is the LACK of drinking...Before we decided to separate, the drinking was levels of insanity. Then we're breaking, suddenly the drinking doesn't stop completely, but lessens and then becomes almost like...NORMAL....???....Almost saying either "look, you said I had a problem and look how good I am" or "Look, now that I know we are separating I don't drink as much, YOU were the problem all along!"
All this insanity above illustrates why Hawkeye is so on the money -- Despite how my posts sound (and they are really all coming from a desire to understand how we got here)...I am already on the path to bettering myself. Slept better last night. Eating healthier and less! Exercising daily. Taking care of the house (keeping it clean!). Staying busy at work. Making plans with friends. Even with the sadness often looming over what's happening, I know that in time, the more I stay busy on things about me and my life, not hers, the easier things will get.
I hope no one minds these posts over here (I'm happy to move this back to F&F forum as well), I more-so started these threads here because I was really interested to hear the point of view of the other side of the fence. I am trying to better understand where she is, why and how it all got so far down this crooked road...again.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: highland beach, florida
Posts: 649
QUOTE=tomsteve;5509390]This was true for me. When i was a practicing alcoholic, i had absolutely no interest in learning about alcoholism for a couple reasons I was in denial.
It wasnt me with a problem, it was the world.
Learning what it meant to be an alcoholic could have screwed up my drinking.
i wasnt ready to stop no matter how much damage i left in my wake.[/QUOTE]
Heh!!! I'll take door bolded in Black--LOL!!!!
It wasnt me with a problem, it was the world.
Learning what it meant to be an alcoholic could have screwed up my drinking.
i wasnt ready to stop no matter how much damage i left in my wake.[/QUOTE]
Heh!!! I'll take door bolded in Black--LOL!!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
Originally Posted by TrixMixer
QUOTE=tomsteve;5509390]This was true for me. When i was a practicing alcoholic, i had absolutely no interest in learning about alcoholism for a couple reasons I was in denial.
It wasnt me with a problem, it was the world.
Learning what it meant to be an alcoholic could have screwed up my drinking.
i wasnt ready to stop no matter how much damage i left in my wake.
It wasnt me with a problem, it was the world.
Learning what it meant to be an alcoholic could have screwed up my drinking.
i wasnt ready to stop no matter how much damage i left in my wake.
yeah what a sobering thought ::shudder::
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
It's very insightful stuff here especially about the "life can't be too good" or crisis type of stuff. It's sort of like drama/conflict/pain is the normal, and the absence of all that stuff (what many of us "normies" as you call us may call a healthy relationship) is what feels WRONG.
I spent ions wishing i could just get some dang peace then when i get some i'm scrambling and itchen and trying to find the next dramatic nonsense to focus on like i cant just sit still or be still etc..
I realize all this now and am able to work on it. and when things are going good to just be happy with that and be ok with breathing a sigh of relief etc..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 70
Originally Posted by zjw
Because apparently there should always be some sorta of turmoil or drama to focus all my energies on.
When there were other areas of her life to focus herself on, challenges, stresses, things to fill the time (she has no hobbies, but school did a good job at this the last 4 years)...there was no need to have the turmoil at home.
However, and this goes for the first time we broke up as well, as soon as things started to get normal, good, basic, content...there needed to be this huge conflict, this relationship rift. Like normal felt wrong and we needed a crisis for things to be right.
Until you break that cycle, no one wins.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
Until you break that cycle, no one wins.
Its a cycle that needs to be broken sure. But here i am 4 years sober still finding myself eagerly heeping on more then i can handle if i dont watch it and stressing myself out. I realize now I have to be careful. If i make my life too unmanageable I'll drink. If i drink i'll also make my life too unmanageble too.
Some of the decisions I have made to screw myself where made with an Unsober mind. So it was kind of a catch 22. Other decisions where with a sober one.
But I always say in the days when i was dirnking even when i was sober I still was not thinking clearly. I questioned my own sanity a lot in the end. I really think I sobered up in the nick of time.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
also keep in mind you could be too close to the situation to be super helpful too even.
My wife for ions told me what i didnt wanna hear and i shut it out.
Just last week at an AA meeting a guy said when he went to AA his wife was pissed off becuase here after all these years he starts listening to a group of strangers and fixing his life after she had pulled her hair out trying to get him to see things clearly.
My wife wont even always listen to my advice and shes not an alcoholic etc.. just stubborn
. But listen to someone long enough and they might start to make some sense.
My wife for ions told me what i didnt wanna hear and i shut it out.
Just last week at an AA meeting a guy said when he went to AA his wife was pissed off becuase here after all these years he starts listening to a group of strangers and fixing his life after she had pulled her hair out trying to get him to see things clearly.
My wife wont even always listen to my advice and shes not an alcoholic etc.. just stubborn
. But listen to someone long enough and they might start to make some sense.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 70
I think that's what makes this place so great. No one here has any agenda or any sort of reason to say anything but the truth. It makes no sense to lie to each other or yourself on this forum.
Being close to the situation is tricky. I tried so many times to just remove myself and walk away. But then when that changed nothing of course I fall back into the pattern of "let's talk about this" or "why do you keep doing this" or "you promised me you'd stop at 2 drinks" and all that stuff. And it absolutely made ZERO difference.
That's why groups like AA and here work so much better. You're on an even playing field, relationships don't come into play, and you are just being YOU. I love that. I hope she can find the courage to seek this type of help and understanding out some day.
Being close to the situation is tricky. I tried so many times to just remove myself and walk away. But then when that changed nothing of course I fall back into the pattern of "let's talk about this" or "why do you keep doing this" or "you promised me you'd stop at 2 drinks" and all that stuff. And it absolutely made ZERO difference.
That's why groups like AA and here work so much better. You're on an even playing field, relationships don't come into play, and you are just being YOU. I love that. I hope she can find the courage to seek this type of help and understanding out some day.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
But then when that changed nothing of course I fall back into the pattern of "let's talk about this" or "why do you keep doing this" or "you promised me you'd stop at 2 drinks" and all that stuff. And it absolutely made ZERO difference.
I hope that makes sense. I woulda lost everything if I kept going and I didnt really care so long as I had a drink the minute that gotten threatened i might come back to the negotiation table but the only reason I was ever really there was to get my drink back not to actually solve anything.
I only quit because my panic attacks got so bad. After I sobered up I realized just how insane the rest was too and dont wanna go back for a lot of reasons aside from just the panic attacks.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 70
Manipulation -- So true. I got a link to song lyrics yesterday about trying harder and starting over. No discussion, just a link and that it made her cry. If you're feeling something, how about at least sitting down and having an adult conversation about it? Not a text link. It would make so much more sense.
Our entire last "this isn't working" argument despite my sitting down and asking her to talk, was conducted via text. Of course, she was drinking heavily at the time and I guess text gives you that time to think instead of blurt out, I get it -- But I'm 42 years old. I like to talk.
Z - It all makes sense a lot so thanks for your candor. It gives me at least some insight into figuring out why things are the way they are. No 2 situations are identical but I can see similarities especially in the methods used to cling on and also the behaviors when things start to slip away. To know that I remain second or further away to being able to get that alcohol anytime is really the important part right now.
I thought about this the other day - And as I said I am an occasional drinker myself...Had my GF ever come to me and said "your drinking is hurting the way I look at you" or "your drinking is hurting our relationship" or even "I want to stop drinking, will you stop too?" (I did before)...I would have done it in a heartbeat.
So the fact that I had that conversation with her, and there was not even a moment's consideration (instead, just attacks about controlling, being an adult and free to do what she wants, having to walk on eggshells, etc)...It immediately shows you where I rank without having to take it any further.
Thanks for giving me your insight and looking back to what I am sure is a painful time for you, I sincerely appreciate.
Our entire last "this isn't working" argument despite my sitting down and asking her to talk, was conducted via text. Of course, she was drinking heavily at the time and I guess text gives you that time to think instead of blurt out, I get it -- But I'm 42 years old. I like to talk.
Z - It all makes sense a lot so thanks for your candor. It gives me at least some insight into figuring out why things are the way they are. No 2 situations are identical but I can see similarities especially in the methods used to cling on and also the behaviors when things start to slip away. To know that I remain second or further away to being able to get that alcohol anytime is really the important part right now.
I thought about this the other day - And as I said I am an occasional drinker myself...Had my GF ever come to me and said "your drinking is hurting the way I look at you" or "your drinking is hurting our relationship" or even "I want to stop drinking, will you stop too?" (I did before)...I would have done it in a heartbeat.
So the fact that I had that conversation with her, and there was not even a moment's consideration (instead, just attacks about controlling, being an adult and free to do what she wants, having to walk on eggshells, etc)...It immediately shows you where I rank without having to take it any further.
Thanks for giving me your insight and looking back to what I am sure is a painful time for you, I sincerely appreciate.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,860
Hi, TG, and welcome to SR. I think the welcome mat is out throughout our forums for anyone seeking help and we're glad you're here.
Allow me to share a story.
Many years ago, one of my closest friends got married. What I didn't know until only a couple years ago was in the days leading up to the wedding, her parents urged her to call it off. They knew, though her friends didn't, that he was an alcoholic.
Their pleas to my friend having failed, her parents took aside her fiancee and begged him not to marry their daughter. It didn't work.
The courtship went relatively quickly and due to various work/life conflicts, I actually didn't meet her husband until the receiving line. If we, her friends, had only known what her parents did, we'd have been right there with them. Instead, we spent 15-plus years trying to talk her into leaving the marriage. We saw a once-confident woman doubt herself, try endlessly to understand his alcoholism, grow weary of the cajoling and bargaining, find false hope in the brief sober spells, search for solutions and live an existence that swung back and forth between anger and sadness. They didn't have children, though she was more of a parent to his son from a previous relationship than he ever bothered to be.
In the later years of the marriage, they were simply co-occupants in a house. She stayed and stayed, as if she had grown so embedded in her life there that anything else seemed outside her grasp. He was actually the one to call it off and insist that they divorce. Her family and friends are at least grateful to him for that because she had no exit strategy.
I'd like to say it began to improve after they split, but by the time she emerged from the divorce, she had no self-worth and almost immediately took up with another alcoholic who was -- as impossible as it seemed -- even a bigger loser than her ex. It took her three years to extricate herself from that one. As for the ex-husband, we're all still pretty surprised he's still alive. He lost his job due to drinking and has found another woman to put a roof over his head. They always do.
It took more years for her to get her bearings straight. I'm happy to report that she's remarrying -- a nice guy who has earned the enthusiastic support of her parents and friends.
So my question for you: What is your exit strategy?
I ask not to put you on the spot or make you feel badly, but because you sound like a nice guy. Don't be like my friend. She deserved better, too. There will be time to figure all of this out but an official end will help you rebuild.
Allow me to share a story.
Many years ago, one of my closest friends got married. What I didn't know until only a couple years ago was in the days leading up to the wedding, her parents urged her to call it off. They knew, though her friends didn't, that he was an alcoholic.
Their pleas to my friend having failed, her parents took aside her fiancee and begged him not to marry their daughter. It didn't work.
The courtship went relatively quickly and due to various work/life conflicts, I actually didn't meet her husband until the receiving line. If we, her friends, had only known what her parents did, we'd have been right there with them. Instead, we spent 15-plus years trying to talk her into leaving the marriage. We saw a once-confident woman doubt herself, try endlessly to understand his alcoholism, grow weary of the cajoling and bargaining, find false hope in the brief sober spells, search for solutions and live an existence that swung back and forth between anger and sadness. They didn't have children, though she was more of a parent to his son from a previous relationship than he ever bothered to be.
In the later years of the marriage, they were simply co-occupants in a house. She stayed and stayed, as if she had grown so embedded in her life there that anything else seemed outside her grasp. He was actually the one to call it off and insist that they divorce. Her family and friends are at least grateful to him for that because she had no exit strategy.
I'd like to say it began to improve after they split, but by the time she emerged from the divorce, she had no self-worth and almost immediately took up with another alcoholic who was -- as impossible as it seemed -- even a bigger loser than her ex. It took her three years to extricate herself from that one. As for the ex-husband, we're all still pretty surprised he's still alive. He lost his job due to drinking and has found another woman to put a roof over his head. They always do.
It took more years for her to get her bearings straight. I'm happy to report that she's remarrying -- a nice guy who has earned the enthusiastic support of her parents and friends.
So my question for you: What is your exit strategy?
I ask not to put you on the spot or make you feel badly, but because you sound like a nice guy. Don't be like my friend. She deserved better, too. There will be time to figure all of this out but an official end will help you rebuild.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
