Sick, really scared and stuck.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 47
Sick, really scared and stuck.
Hello all. Sorry this might be long winded. I think I just need to write, ramble a little. This post was a long time coming. I joined SR a few years ago. I have mostly lurked, posted here and there, and played at recovery, making no real progress. In 2011 I was sober for a year. Since then I have cultivated a secret 4 year binge. I drink 5 nights a week, about 10 - 12 beers (plus the requisite 5 cigarettes). All before my spouse gets home.
Today I am: fat, bloated, red faced, depressed beyond even having the energy to feel sad, and my new low is that I have a consistent swollen feeling under my right ribcage. Pretty sure my liver is not doing well but I'm terrified to go to the doc.
Anyway, 2 weeks ago I had 8 days sober. So beer, no cigarettes, nothing! It was rough for 2 days, but I survived. And yet... and yet... Here I am. Back at day one.
I have 2 kids. I don't want to die and leave them with no mama. That's not fair to them. We love each other tremendously. But as strongly as I feel that love and connection, and as scared as I have become of this feeling of having finally messed up my liver, once 4pm hits and its the 3 hour window in which the beer onslaught typically begins, I push all that away and tell myself One more night won't matter. Just one more. I set new quit dates all the time. Only to see them pass me by as I tell myself just one more night. My worst fear is that my liver will actually crap out on me before I finally commit to quitting and I'll be in real trouble healthwise and have no choice but to tell my husband everything. I feel, physically, like I'm headed in that direction. Like I honestly don't have many more One more nights left before something really bad happens.
My 8 days sober happened accidentally. My husband randomly took a week off work, he still has 3 weeks of paid vacation to use up before the end of the year, so he came home on a Friday and asked the kids and I Guess who will be home the next 9 days?!! And I realized it would be too difficult to find ways to sneak around with him home to get my boozing done. So I didn't even try. I just stayed beer and smoke free for 8 days. It was kind of ridiculous essentially going through some pretty ****** withdrawal in front of my family. I had a "stomach virus" for 2 days. But I kept up! Even with diarrhea, some sweating, (luckily it was 90 degrees all week), constant headache, muscle pain, racing heart, and a complete and total sense of despair, I dragged myself through mini golf, a trip up north, paddle boating, a really ridiculous kids movie, etc etc. I did it because I had to. But I will admit that even through white knuckling the WD symptoms, I enjoyed feeling and doing what a "normal" mommy must do and feel like. When I'm spending my 3 hours a night slowly loading up on my 10 - 12 beers, I do it secretly and I keep my kids busy. We do lots of art projects, sing, dance, watch some TV, make clothes for dolls out of duct tape, you name it, we do it. Because, sadly, 12 beers does nothing much. I'm not sloppy or slurring or overly emotive. I'm steady and boring. Just numbed out to the constant worry and guilt that lies underneath every moment of my life. (Yes, partly due to the drinking itself. Funny how that works). But for those 8 days, we went out. Did outdoor things, drove up to 2 hours away just for some random fun. I didn't have to make sure we were home by 4 so I could start my self medicating. It was an open, free feeling.
And I fu%&ing blew it.
Am I too far gone to get well? Is my mind too damaged? How can I be SO close to simply making a different choice at 4pm, simply saying No More, but not making it? Do I HAVE to end up in the hospital with a failing liver and the prospect of abandoning my kids? Do I HAVE to lose everything to this disease? I don't know. I am sad. And scared. I don't want to die. But I feel no hope.
Thanks SR for letting me get this out. I'm done now.
Today I am: fat, bloated, red faced, depressed beyond even having the energy to feel sad, and my new low is that I have a consistent swollen feeling under my right ribcage. Pretty sure my liver is not doing well but I'm terrified to go to the doc.
Anyway, 2 weeks ago I had 8 days sober. So beer, no cigarettes, nothing! It was rough for 2 days, but I survived. And yet... and yet... Here I am. Back at day one.
I have 2 kids. I don't want to die and leave them with no mama. That's not fair to them. We love each other tremendously. But as strongly as I feel that love and connection, and as scared as I have become of this feeling of having finally messed up my liver, once 4pm hits and its the 3 hour window in which the beer onslaught typically begins, I push all that away and tell myself One more night won't matter. Just one more. I set new quit dates all the time. Only to see them pass me by as I tell myself just one more night. My worst fear is that my liver will actually crap out on me before I finally commit to quitting and I'll be in real trouble healthwise and have no choice but to tell my husband everything. I feel, physically, like I'm headed in that direction. Like I honestly don't have many more One more nights left before something really bad happens.
My 8 days sober happened accidentally. My husband randomly took a week off work, he still has 3 weeks of paid vacation to use up before the end of the year, so he came home on a Friday and asked the kids and I Guess who will be home the next 9 days?!! And I realized it would be too difficult to find ways to sneak around with him home to get my boozing done. So I didn't even try. I just stayed beer and smoke free for 8 days. It was kind of ridiculous essentially going through some pretty ****** withdrawal in front of my family. I had a "stomach virus" for 2 days. But I kept up! Even with diarrhea, some sweating, (luckily it was 90 degrees all week), constant headache, muscle pain, racing heart, and a complete and total sense of despair, I dragged myself through mini golf, a trip up north, paddle boating, a really ridiculous kids movie, etc etc. I did it because I had to. But I will admit that even through white knuckling the WD symptoms, I enjoyed feeling and doing what a "normal" mommy must do and feel like. When I'm spending my 3 hours a night slowly loading up on my 10 - 12 beers, I do it secretly and I keep my kids busy. We do lots of art projects, sing, dance, watch some TV, make clothes for dolls out of duct tape, you name it, we do it. Because, sadly, 12 beers does nothing much. I'm not sloppy or slurring or overly emotive. I'm steady and boring. Just numbed out to the constant worry and guilt that lies underneath every moment of my life. (Yes, partly due to the drinking itself. Funny how that works). But for those 8 days, we went out. Did outdoor things, drove up to 2 hours away just for some random fun. I didn't have to make sure we were home by 4 so I could start my self medicating. It was an open, free feeling.
And I fu%&ing blew it.
Am I too far gone to get well? Is my mind too damaged? How can I be SO close to simply making a different choice at 4pm, simply saying No More, but not making it? Do I HAVE to end up in the hospital with a failing liver and the prospect of abandoning my kids? Do I HAVE to lose everything to this disease? I don't know. I am sad. And scared. I don't want to die. But I feel no hope.
Thanks SR for letting me get this out. I'm done now.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,509
No, you don't have to lose everything. It's a choice you can make to stop now. Of course, none of us can change what we've done to our bodies. What's done is done. What you can do is stop drinking today and begin to take care of yourself. We understand how hard this is and we're here for you.
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
What a beautiful post. Straight from your heart. You are ready to face this once and for all. Every one of us here was EXACTLY where you are now. Some of us, far far worse. But the link that bonds us is the absolute sheer desperation to find our way out of the abyss that alcohol plunges us further and further into.
You can do this. We will help. Lean on us and save yourself.
You can do this. We will help. Lean on us and save yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 927
I am exactly where you are now with 2 children who I love to bits, we are so busy, den building, art projects, junk modelling, like you say, you say it and we do it, but I also reward myself for that at the end of the day with wine.
I'm over it. Had my bloods done (all fine surprisingly despite the daily pain in my kidneys / liver?) but I've fessed up with my Dr and he's referred me for outpatient counselling / professional withdrawal. I'm geared up for it and ready to shout HELP to whoever will listen and guide me through this process. If you did 8 days without you've done more than I have in the last year. Well done. Do it again but this time reach out some more and get some more help if that's what you need. We can do this!!!
I'm over it. Had my bloods done (all fine surprisingly despite the daily pain in my kidneys / liver?) but I've fessed up with my Dr and he's referred me for outpatient counselling / professional withdrawal. I'm geared up for it and ready to shout HELP to whoever will listen and guide me through this process. If you did 8 days without you've done more than I have in the last year. Well done. Do it again but this time reach out some more and get some more help if that's what you need. We can do this!!!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
CloudyDays,
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post5470167
maybe you'll see something in that post. in case you haven't read it yet.
it speaks to getting unstuck especially.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post5470167
maybe you'll see something in that post. in case you haven't read it yet.
it speaks to getting unstuck especially.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 626
Wow, that was truly from the heart and sounds like you really do want to quit.
My guess is that your husband and kids know you're drinking. If my husband consumed a half case of beer before I got home, I would definitely know it.
Go to your doctor, get checked out and ask for help. A failing liver from drinking is not the way you want to go. Trust me, I know.
There are many things your doctor can do to help get you thru this. Take advantage of all of them!
Best of luck to you!
My guess is that your husband and kids know you're drinking. If my husband consumed a half case of beer before I got home, I would definitely know it.
Go to your doctor, get checked out and ask for help. A failing liver from drinking is not the way you want to go. Trust me, I know.
There are many things your doctor can do to help get you thru this. Take advantage of all of them!
Best of luck to you!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 228
Go to your doctor and be really honest with her/him. All the doc wants to do is help, not judge. Be kind to yourself. The past is past and you can't change it...so let it go. Go to your doctor....they won't tell anyone. It will be between you and the doc ONLY. Good luck...we've all been there.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Welcome back CD 
No you're not too far gone - but I think you need to do something more than what you've been doing.
It sounds like a great effort for you to keep drinking and appear 'normal' - why not put that energy to good use and best this thing once and for all?
D
No you're not too far gone - but I think you need to do something more than what you've been doing.
It sounds like a great effort for you to keep drinking and appear 'normal' - why not put that energy to good use and best this thing once and for all?
D
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
As weird and unthinkable as it may sound, coming clean to your husband and your doctor can be the key to letting go of all this secret shame that is holding you back. Your husband may be shocked, he may not believe you at first (or think you are being overdramatic) but if you want to live to see your kids grow up happy and healthy, you have to deal with this NOW.
Think of it as just as much of an emergency as if you felt a lump in your breast. I know the notion of alcoholism carries a stigma, still, but some of the most terrific, sane, fun, awesome people I know are recovered alcoholics. We would welcome you into our numbers.
I also really strongly suggest that you find an AA meeting--that, too, will lower your shame level. Here's an article I suggest you read--AA isn't scary or mortifying at all. What to Expect at Your First AA Meeting.You'll find a bunch of people who totally GET what you're going through, and will help you to find the peace and happiness they have.
Think of it as just as much of an emergency as if you felt a lump in your breast. I know the notion of alcoholism carries a stigma, still, but some of the most terrific, sane, fun, awesome people I know are recovered alcoholics. We would welcome you into our numbers.
I also really strongly suggest that you find an AA meeting--that, too, will lower your shame level. Here's an article I suggest you read--AA isn't scary or mortifying at all. What to Expect at Your First AA Meeting.You'll find a bunch of people who totally GET what you're going through, and will help you to find the peace and happiness they have.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Bellingham
Posts: 513
Someone told me that you don't feel pain in your liver and that for many drinkers its a mental. I don't know. My drinking was different, binging a few nights a week. I didn't have your constitution and was always emotionally shattered the next day.
I think what many drinkers do is they replace the high of alcohol with the high of another experience that they can give themselves to. Maybe think in terms of addition instead of subtraction? Where do you want to go? What's your next adaptation?
I think what many drinkers do is they replace the high of alcohol with the high of another experience that they can give themselves to. Maybe think in terms of addition instead of subtraction? Where do you want to go? What's your next adaptation?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 47
I appreciate the responses to my post. It's nice knowing there are so many thoughtful and intelligent people out there who can relate to the things I posted. Makes me feel less alone.
I stayed sober last night. And I'm not going to think about how I will ever piece together 30 or 60 or 90 days of sobriety. I tend to do that and eventually I throw my hands up and say why bother? I could never do that! So I'm going to focus on the next few hours.
I finally went back and reread a bunch of my old posts on this site. And man, did that hurt. I've been posting here and there since 2011. !! And I've been asking the same questions, complaining about the same junk, and contemplating and over thinking every aspect of my disease. Doing everything except staying sober. I feel very embarrassed by that. But I can't change the past, right? Rereading that stuff made me face something so harsh and painful I feel like I'm going to break right now. Like it stirred up a huge, overwhelming ball of loss and sadness and guilt and I kind of don't know what to do with it. I've got no one but myself to blame. No one. It's me. This reality, this thing (that I can't talk about yet, too much) is my doing. And even if I choose to drink tonight to get out from under the weight of this, its still going to be there in the morning. Jesus, I'm sad right now.
But for the next chunk of time I will be sober. Thanks for letting me get this out. I appreciate this community.
I stayed sober last night. And I'm not going to think about how I will ever piece together 30 or 60 or 90 days of sobriety. I tend to do that and eventually I throw my hands up and say why bother? I could never do that! So I'm going to focus on the next few hours.
I finally went back and reread a bunch of my old posts on this site. And man, did that hurt. I've been posting here and there since 2011. !! And I've been asking the same questions, complaining about the same junk, and contemplating and over thinking every aspect of my disease. Doing everything except staying sober. I feel very embarrassed by that. But I can't change the past, right? Rereading that stuff made me face something so harsh and painful I feel like I'm going to break right now. Like it stirred up a huge, overwhelming ball of loss and sadness and guilt and I kind of don't know what to do with it. I've got no one but myself to blame. No one. It's me. This reality, this thing (that I can't talk about yet, too much) is my doing. And even if I choose to drink tonight to get out from under the weight of this, its still going to be there in the morning. Jesus, I'm sad right now.
But for the next chunk of time I will be sober. Thanks for letting me get this out. I appreciate this community.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 57
CloudyDays,
I was literally sitting here thinking about going downstairs and opening a bottle of wine when I read this. (May as well be honest, right?) Your story is very similar to mine, and so I'm going to suggest we both save ourselves the hell and misery of blowing it again, and stay sober today. I'm going to treat myself to a new book and some splurge-y food if necessary. Certainly not ideal, but beats the monsters that I know would be greeting me as soon as I woke up hung over tomorrow and the guilt, shame, and dread set in. I'm clearly not an expert, but if you're feeling down, maybe: 1. Recognize that it's the booze. 2. Find something inspirational or funny to immerse yourself in until it eases up a bit.
Best of luck.
I was literally sitting here thinking about going downstairs and opening a bottle of wine when I read this. (May as well be honest, right?) Your story is very similar to mine, and so I'm going to suggest we both save ourselves the hell and misery of blowing it again, and stay sober today. I'm going to treat myself to a new book and some splurge-y food if necessary. Certainly not ideal, but beats the monsters that I know would be greeting me as soon as I woke up hung over tomorrow and the guilt, shame, and dread set in. I'm clearly not an expert, but if you're feeling down, maybe: 1. Recognize that it's the booze. 2. Find something inspirational or funny to immerse yourself in until it eases up a bit.
Best of luck.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 47
VDGS, in the spirit of being honest, I'm taking this one hour at a time. I sound like a loser, I know, but the craving is insane right now. That being said, I'm so glad you posted what you did. It is enough to calm my stupid mind, take a deep breath and not go buy anything to drink. Thanks
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