TryGuy

Hi all, hope you don't mind my asking. Currently separating from my long term girlfriend due to her problems with alcohol.

I've learned a lot and understand that it is not for me, or anyone else, to label her or control her drinking. The way she sees herself and the choices she makes regarding alcohol or anything else, as an adult, are hers alone.

That said, I'm curious of the use of the word "alcoholic" and why it seems like something very difficult to say. She in the past has occasionally said things like "I have a drinking problem" or "I drink more than I should sometimes", things along those lines -- But is very careful to tiptoe around the use of the "A" word.

I'm familiar with the 12 steps and know that self-realization and admitting it out loud is a big one. However, have any of you who have taken years to say it, or admit it to anyone else, known it yourself but not wanted to admit it?

trez

Getting hung up on terms or labels is dangerous. Drinking too much, too often is a problem no matter what you call it. The important thing to do is to take steps to mitigate the problem. Getting hung up on terms like "alcoholic" or "addicted" can prevent you from getting help, because who wants to get saddled with those labels.

Venecia

This is something of an evergreen topic here on SR. You'll probably hear from some that labeling isn't helpful and that perspectives are personal.

I respect all opinions on SR.

My own experience is this: Defining my problem with anything less than the term "alcoholic" served as an emotional escape hatch. Saying "I drink too much" kept me lodged in the delusion that what was happening wasn't that bad, a dangerous lie I told myself for a long time.

Eventually, I had to acknowledge that the volume and frequency of my drinking meant that I was an alcoholic. Plain and simple. An inescapable truth.

Admitting that to myself was a moment of honesty that helped me take action. It didn't happen overnight but it happened.

I'm sorry that you're in a sad place. There is life after alcoholism, both for the alcoholic and people damaged in its wake. Take care.

NestWasEmpty

Some people that don't understand the meaning of alcoholism , or what an alcoholic may look like to them . " Picture" it different ways in their mind.
For instance someone says " I seen that Alkie today , slobbering , dirty looking , staggering what a pitty
I could go on with how people view what they" think" an alcohol looks like .
So when after 2 years , I stand up to say ." Yes I'm an alcoholic" .
I don't fit that picture in their mind , but I remember I once was ! That pathetic Alkie , that had no control over alcohol . Sad looking Mess
That maybe what your GF pictures ?

lssnheer

Venecia hit the nail on the head. Calling yourself an alcoholic means admitting that there is something about you which makes you exceptionally bad in the eyes of many people. Saying "I drink more than I should," means you might indulge yourself but still have things under wraps. It's a fine line but the labels are powerful in our minds, especially when it means looking yourself squarely in the mirror, warts and all.

Dee74

There's a lot of baggage attached to the term alcoholic.
I can understand why some people recoil from using using it.

Personally I don't think the label is anywhere near as important as doing something about your problem.

I wish you and your girlfriend the best TryGuy

D

gaffo

For me, it's just a relief to say it like it is "I'm an alcoholic, I can't drink at all because it will kill me". I tip toed around it for years but now it's not a problem.

biminiblue

It's a really loaded word, TryGuy. Especially for a woman. There can be a lot of shame involved, and women try harder to maintain that dignity, in my opinion.

Maybe even she doesn't know what "alcoholic" means. No one likes to be labeled, though - regardless. It is up to her to label herself alcoholic, not anyone else. How would you define it?

QuietToday

I've experienced this recently also and thought it curious.

I had a buddy who often drank with me over the years. He was never as lousy as I was, but early this year he started to show some of the more intensive drinking manners.

So I got sober and came home from school in May and only recently did my buddy reach out to me. He's drinking every night, and when I talked to him about my own drinking habits he really grasped and shared a lot of it. Chugging water in the middle of the night/morning, waking up with a beer you took one sip out of on your nightstand counter, etc etc.

But! He made it a point to say, "I'm not an alcoholic, but I think I'm developing a problem with alcohol."

I completely understand this. Many people would consider it being an absolute to be "an alcoholic," so shy away from it. I still think it's great that my buddy is at the very least acknowledging that he is showing a negative reaction to alcohol anymore, and that he has at least a bud of awareness present.

At the same time, as someone who admits to being an alcoholic and who is now on the path to sober living, I can't help but feel that this is way too dangerous of a thing to skimp over. "I'm developing a problem" means that you think you've still wiggle room before it's an actual problem, which I'm sure many of us here on SR thought was the case for 1-2-5-10 years or more before we realized that we weren't "developing" a problem, but that we already had a problem.

That said, I really don't know what to actually do about this to help him. I'm too new to sobriety; all I can really say to people anymore is that drinking is a waste of time entirely and to cut it out immediately :P

LexieCat

I have been around AA since my first husband got sober 35 years ago (and he's still sober and still active in AA). I'd been to tons of meetings with him over the years. Yet, when my own alcoholism became manifest when I was in my 40s, I resisted going to AA (or thinking of myself as an alcoholic) for many years. When I finally dragged my sorry butt into the first AA meeting I went to for ME, I said something really definite like, "My name is Lexie and I'm probably pretty much ready to admit that I'm probably an alcoholic."

No doubt in my mind now, that's for sure.

I think we still resist it for a few reasons--foremost being that if we admit we are alcoholic, then we have to QUIT DRINKING--FOR GOOD. OMG. I remember thinking that after I retire from my law enforcement job, I couldn't even legally smoke pot if I went to Amsterdam or something (or, these days, my home state of Colorado). Which is freaking ridiculous because I don't even LIKE pot--never did. It's that notion that it's a life-changer, that once you admit it you can never UNadmit it. And that's scary. And uncomfortable.

Plus there is still that stigma from people who think alcoholics are either homeless bums drinking from a paper bag under a bridge or that we are weak-willed. None of that is attractive, either.

It's all BS, but that's how someone feels before they are ready to admit their alcoholism. The ironic thing is what a relief it is for most of us once we DO admit it and start doing something about it.

fini

exactly as trez says: who wants to get saddled with 5that...well, i didn't. and just as Venecia said, i had an escape hatch by having a problem with alcohol. a problem is something external, more or less, and if i say i'm addicted to alcohol then , still, the focus is on the substance.
"i'm an alcoholic" is about me.
me.
it's about who i am instead of what i'm doing ("drink too much")
hits and sits somewhere entirely different.

i tried to get and stay sober for 30 years; all that time, i knew i had a problem with alcohol.
couldn't stay quit until the moment i understood i was a drunk.
quit right then.
saying i'm an alcoholic took another couple of years after that.

TryGuy

This is sort of what I was wondering and the answers are very insightful so I appreciate the answers to a very age-old green question!

I think the labeling is wrong for sure, but what I was wondering was, if the use of the word, the way it is perceived in society, means two things:

1 - You are a lowlife / bad person.
2 - You are accepting of the fact you have a problem.

#2 was really one of my big wonders...I read a great post where someone mentioned their buddy told him he was "starting to develop a drinking problem" well it was all well out of hand. My STBXAGF (some acronym!) has in the past mentioned drinking problems, but absolutely has always stopped short of the A word.

I also liked the observation that using the A word means, I have a problem, and it has to STOP NOW - So you use it when you're ready, and if you're not, you don't.

Just wondered if it had any relation to those ready to start recovery and those not near it (the lack of the use of the word).

I appreciate all the insight from all.

thomas11

I've been sober for awhile now and I avoid the A word. Probably the stigma attached to it. In the end, its just a word, but you know how judgmental people can be. Sadly, two people can have the same drinking habits and if someone admits they drink too much, its somewhat acceptable, the other says plain and simple they are an alcoholic and they are labeled negatively.

LexieCat

Yeah, even though you hear some people actually brag about being alcoholics (mostly young guys who are bragging about how much they drink, not that they are admitting they have a disease or incurable condition), but most people don't use the word until they realize they are (a) in deep doodoo and (b) have to do something drastic about it--not that they always are ready to admit they might need to quit drinking for good.

mpr

People tend to think of alcoholics as 24-7 drinkers, guzzling non stop until passing out. The truth is while you do have alcoholics like that you also have the weekend alcoholics, the 3 drink a night alcoholic, the once a month binge alcoholic and so on. There are so many degrees and type of alcoholic. People often compare themselves to the worst type and think well I'm not like him therefore I'm not an alcoholic.

Like others have said it's just a label. You can call yourself an alien but your problem remains the same. I think accepting being an alcoholic (if you are one of course) is just part of recovery... You can beat around the bush for only so long, eventually it needs to be addressed.

Verte

Hi TryGuy,

I read your threads in Friends and Family and am very sorry that you find yourself in this painful situation with your soon to be XAGF, or STBXAGF? My inclination is to advise you to find a way to let go and not allow yourself to be dragged along behind her. You do not want to go where she is going and her current behavior might be viewed as a gift in pushing you forward on a different path.

The following is a little of my recovery experience and perception of the "A" word in hopes that it may be useful to you in some way. Apologies for the length, but I always learn a lot when I write out my thoughts here on SR. And I have never before answered this question.

In my years of life there have been many significant experiences and decisions. It is the exception that an experience will afford me a label; the only label I have routinely identified with in a consistent and comfortable manner is my first given name. The rest have been tenuous in some emotional form or another.

My decision to stop drinking alcohol has been one of the biggest expressions of self-respect-or at least a movement towards genuine honesty and self-respect, but I did not know this at the time I made the decision. It was a leap of faith I took when I had all but depleted my tanks of genuine self-esteem. There was a morning that I woke up and, not knowing exactly how it had happened, was on a course of total annihilation.

My pattern in the past in response to perceived threat has been to
"run for the hills". I am a runner; an escape artist. Not something I am proud of at all but something that has nonetheless been a part of my reaction to life. Running, like drinking, solved nothing.

Running served as a stop-gap, freeze-frame, affording zero progress and stunting genuine personal growth. In this way I remained stuck in a pattern of reacting to life as it came to me as opposed to being active, thoughtful and responding in the best interests of myself and those around me - for the immediate and long term.

All I knew was that if I wanted to truly love myself, thereby having the capacity to love someone else, I had to start somewhere. Arriving here on SR and listening to others' wisdom and experience convinced me that somewhere was exactly where I was but without alcohol.

I was terrified of many uncertainties when I stopped. For me it was really important to mentally pace myself in order to be measured and thoughtful with the inevitable challenges and changes. Changing patterns of past behavior over the last 16 months of recovery has been an essential and deliberate goal.

My comfort with the "A" word has grown in proportion to the comfort that has come with myself and who I truly am today without alcohol. With the inevitable ups and downs of life I no longer fear that I will have the uncontrollable and painful urge to "run for the hills". The word 'alcoholic' is much less threatening to my personal stability, sense of self and ability to continue growing. However, despite all this, I still really only like to be called by my first name. Yes, I still have a lot of work to do and I am doing it every day.

I wish you the best during this challenging time. Try to consider this as an opportunity to gain personal understanding and growth. So far it sounds like you are doing a good job of this. Thanks for asking the question.

JeffreyAK

I'll use the word in past-tense among former addicts, but otherwise I don't use it. It's heavily loaded in our society, and brings up connotations that rarely apply (the stereotypical wino drinking out of a paper bag in an alley sort of imagery) and didn't apply to me either.

Medical professionals don't use it either, they speak of alcohol abuse and dependency, and the most recent DSM simplifies it further by emphasizing it's a spectrum, "alcohol use disorder", that ranges from mild to severe.
http://pubs.niaaa.nih.gov/publicatio...et/dsmfact.pdf

(I would have scored 11/11 on this test towards the end, if I had answered honestly )

gaffo

I think LexieCat nailed it, I didn't want to admit that I was an alcoholic until I was ready to do something about it. That, as we all know, is a very scary decision to make!

Delfin

This!

Let me preface my post by saying that I speak only for myself and what my experience has been .

As Jeffrey said, the word alcoholic brings up certain stereotypes...the word alcoholic kept me from admitting my problem because of its false connotations for the average person who is not knowledgeable about alcoholism. I figured I wasn't an alcoholic because I have a good job, money, friends, no legal problems, etc. I know now that alcoholism is a spectrum, so people can fall at many different points on the spectrum.
So, they can be anything and look like anyone. But I didn't know that before coming here. At this point, the label is of zero usefulness to me, so I don't use it. I know alcohol is not good for me in many ways, I know I'm better off not having it in my life, and I'm willing to do the work to get alcohol out of my life completely and for good. This is good enough for me.



Delfin

Grungehead

When I first went to AA I still wasn't convinced that I was an alcoholic, but I did know that it was causing bad things to happen in my life. When I read step one I could definitely relate to it. Nowhere in the step does it mention being an alcoholic but that we had become powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable.

"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable."

The fact that the steps were written by someone who identified as an alcoholic, and the fact that I was sitting in a room full of people who identified as alcoholics, led me to the conclusion that I must be an alcoholic too. That might seem overly simplistic but it's one of those cases where I was sitting in a room full of zebras thinking that I was a horse and realizing that I had the same stripes as them.

It was still difficult to blurt out the "A" word when I finally spoke up at a meeting and introduced myself for the first time, but in some ways it was a relief to finally come to terms with the fact that I was indeed an alcoholic. But what was important was that in my own mind I knew it was true whether I said it out loud or not. It took away all of my "outs" from that point forward. If I drank again (which I did 6 years later) it was because I was an alcoholic.