sleepie

I hadn't gotten much sleep last night but was getting used to being tired all the time and having little energy and a lot of hunger. I was shopping with my boyfriend today and suddenly broke into a sweat, became dizzy, heart was weird and it was hard to take a full breath. All classic benzo withdrawal.

Good times. I had to rush home, take my daily dose, cold shower which I had to kneel for as standing was not possible. Then lay in bed.
Since I quit drinking, every day I have felt like a pile of warmed over dog doo with acute episodes of feeling like more dog doo.

It's hard to believe this will ever get better.

I have determined to quit drinking as I taper down off valium. It's a slow process and the good and bad days are random but I have yet to have a good day. I know how it goes with benzos but this is all seriously wearing me down.

It's almost a month of not drinking now. Can I just get a good day please.

least

I know this probably isn't helpful, but, hang on please. Better days are coming. Continue with your benzo taper and not drinking and things will get better.

sleepie

Thank you least, I hope so! An episode like this is just scary. It happens so fast and is so fierce.

happybeingme

Are you also participating in the substance abuse forums here? You may get more people who know exactly what you are going through on there. More support can't hurt right? I am sorry you are having such a hard time.

2ndhandrose

It's hard and you are doing it (((sleepie)))

Almost a month of not drinking!

Hawkeye13

I agree with 2ndhandrose--it is hard but you are doing it

sleepie

I don't really feel like I'm doing anything except for being more aware of feeling horrible every day. And enjoying no part of life.

zjw

This is interesting to me. it hasnt happened in a while to me but i've had the same thing in the past and never could understand why. My body would get super hot i'd start sweating profusely then the room would spin and i'd have to sit down my heart might even race a little then it would all be over with and back to normal in the span of about 20-30 minutes. I have NO IDEA what it was or why. Maybe it was some kinda withdrawel issue for me but for me I never was on benzos and its happened years after quiting booze even so I have no idea.

Good job on the 1 month.

Yeah congrats your normal! I know not what you want to hear. But at 1 month I think its ok to feel as such well normal or expected to feel as much. I felt pretty much the same way at 1 month. I couldnt help but wonder why i should go on for 1 minute longer even. Life absolutly sucked. quiting drinking did nothing for me except magnify my crap existence and I had nothing to numb the pain anymore. All too often i felt wooptie do i have another sober day who cares whats the point. But ya know at 1 month i felt a TINY and i do mean TINY hair better then I did at 1 day. I also felt like drinking would just make life worse then it already was and I really didnt want things to get any worse then they already where.

My 1 month story? at one month i had a particularly bad day. I promptly reached for a beer that day why? because I was entitled to it. I had 30 days under my belt thus proving i was not an alcoholic and I had a bad day. AND i did so good for 30 days well i DESERVED a beer. So i sat down with the beer all proud and excited to finally have some relief after such a crap day and my wife said are you really going to throw away 30 days just because of one bad day? I said ABSO FING LOOTLY! who cares! then she looked very sad and disappointed in me. I felt bad then and that it was not right. I was mad at her sure because I deserved that beer damnit! but I new deep down she was right. So I put the beer back in the fridge having never even opened it. But I was pretty stinking close that day. If not for her that day I think i woulda picked it right back up then and there.

Hang in there sleepie your doing good.

sleepie

I know. Most of the time unless I am very upset, drinking does not appeal. Lately in the heat an ice cold one sounds good but I think of feeling sh***y later and don't. But the temporary relief sounds great. I keep trying to remind myself it's just a bad record on repeat.
I had a Nuun tab, it's electrolytes dissolvable in water without the sugar and junk of a sports drink. I feel a little better now than I have been today.

zjw

I'm gonna look into that Nuun tab. I drink coconut water here and there to put me back into check but I think my issues are just from sweating it all out when i run these days anyhow.

"Lately in the heat an ice cold one sounds good but I think of feeling sh***y later and don't. But the temporary relief sounds great. I keep trying to remind myself it's just a bad record on repeat."

YOU GOT IT! its a terrible cycle that just has to be broken is all. the new habits and patterns are forming at the same time your body has to adjust to all of this its a process. the fantasy of having one even at 4+ years sounds friggen fantastic at times. But I know the reality and me and boooze just dont play nicely in the sandbox together never have never will.

I can kick i can scream i can cry i can pace i can eat i can smash things i can go for walk after walk after walk. I can do a lot of things but i cant have a drink. I try to make it sound easy too like Oh well I cant drink bleach either and thats not so hard to say no too. Sometimes that makes it seem easier anyhow.

sleepie

What makes me nervous is that I already am starting to pay the bill with my health. I know it will get worse with time. Sure I'd like to think it will get better. But I know that's no guarantee, and not likely with my track record. And that just doesn't feel inspiring to stay quit, to be honest.

ScottFromWI

Think of it this way....if you go back to drinking it is virtual guarantee that everything will get worse. Staying sober you have a very good chance that things WILL get better. As a bonus, you get to choose which path you take.

There are no guarantees for any of us...but we can take actions that stack the odds in our favor.

zjw

Yep true no idea if you will get hit by a bus or win the lotto or what tomorrow. Let tomorrow worry about tomorrow today has enough troubles of its own.

sleepie

I guess that's easy for someone who doesn't have repercussions to say.
I don't know.
I don't have a desire to drink, I just feel very alone and hopeless.

sleepie

Well I just read some awful tales of people who quit yet still went on to major health problems.
Seriously just want to curl up in a ball and cry.
Hate that I drank again and again for months after the last doctor visit. After I was so scared of that whole ordeal and here I am again at square one.
Stupid, stupid stupid.

ScottFromWI

Please don't assume you know what kind of repercussions I or anyone else have faced or do face due to our addicions. I drank every day for 2 decades plus myself so it's safe to say I have plenty of things to deal with.

The choices we make in how we deal with our life today is what matters. You are no different from any of us in that respect. There is help for you should you choose to accept it, and you have just as good a chance as any of us to live a full, sober life.

dancook99

I will never take a benzo again as long as i live...

dancook99

it really messed with my mental health

tomsteve

Have you even bothered to read the stories of others here? I have read MANY MANY people on here who are LIVING SOBER today and facing the consequences of their actions.
Go read my story. I have had SERIOUS repercussions as the result of my actions while drinking as do MANY others here.

I have been through 6 surgeries, 2 rounds of chemo, a clinical trial , unconted PET scans, MRI's, CT scans, blood draws....i think everything short of a pregnancy test....that have changed my physical state drastically. I have ever lasting side effects from the chemo and clinical trial. I have been physically impaired by the surgeries.
It's was all a result of my actions.
And I still have melanoma. Its just not active. It's not a matter of if it returns, but when.
I live with that ever single day. Again:
I LIVE with it every single day. That is because of the choices I have made. I have a choice every morning to either live in fear and self pity or get my arse into gear and enjoy life. A choice- get out and see what I can add to life and enjoy it or sit back and expect life to come to me and make me happy.
I have a crapload of gratitude, gratitude brought to me by the little children I have seen at the U of M cancer center fighting for their lives.
Children that very well might not live to be old enoug to legally drink. Children that might not make it to attend their first day of school, get their drivers license, experience their first love.....many,many things they may never be able to experience that I have been able to.

There's absolutly nothing unique about me. Playing that card didn't work for crap. Kept me in self pity, depression, and misery.

zjw

I think everyone walks away with there scars from the sins of there past its just a matter of weather you see them as scars or badges of honor.

I know i very well may still get lung cancer. I might also loose my teeth. I have debilitating anxiety at times and can sink back into a pit of despair. But I keep pushing forward. In the begining because I felt i had no other choice believe me I didnt wanna push forward. Now I want too more often then not. if i end up with some larger health issue from the sins of my past i'll cross that bridge when i get to it now now.

I read something just last night

"we only see what we are looking for"

there is a lot more out there to focus on and see about sobriety. If you keep moving forward you'll see it.