Rio97

I went to an AA meeting earlier, this after finding out my counseling session for today was rescheduled for Friday. Today started off on the wrong foot, and I've been irritated and angry all day. Perhaps normal for only 1 week sober. And I just realized something that bothers me.

I'm 41 years old. I took my first drink at 15. I say this because at 15 I was already full of social anxiety, worry, angst, and anger. Everything felt wrong. My 14th year had been actually probably the worst year of my entire life. Mainly because of something stupid I did that brought on public scorn and humiliation. A tough break for a teenager. This haunts me to this day.

My point is, as I sit here on day 7 sober, at 41 years old, I'm still painfully aware of that troubled 14/15 year old from many years ago. The one the finally found his escape in the bottle. Drinking all these years has simply masked the underlying issues, ones I've been to afraid to confront. Drinking was the easier solution. Until it wasn't.

Putting down the drink is the easy part. Confronting my past so I no longer WANT to drink is the challenge. But it's the only way I'll ever become the adult I want to be.

Carver

Everybody does really stupid stuff at 14. I burned down a barn, amongst a thousand other things. But whatever you did was a long time ago, and you can't keep punishing yourself. Teenagers are the dumbest creatures on earth, but the stupid things they do is not who they are.

Well done on Day 7! Keep it up!

IOAA2

Hi.
With time and some effort we find we cannot un ring the bell and what happened in the past is gone by and we need to work on ourselves for future sanity.
Very often AA meetings end with this prayer which has saved many of our bacons.

God, grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change...
COURAGE to change the things I can,
and WISDOM to know the difference.

I’ve been sober for a good while and still use it regularly.

BE WELL

Anna

It is hard to confront the issues from the past that we didn't deal with. It's probably the hardest thing I've ever done. But, I believe it's necessary to deal with those things, then let them go and move on. You can do this!

Rio97

You're right Carver. I'm not who I was back then. I've heard emotionally we stopped growing when we started drinking. I guess my point is, drinking all these years has left me feeling emotionally immature. And I wonder if I was afflicted with this disease before my drinking career ever started. It does run in my family. Thanks for the responses

2muchpain

If I was 14 or 15 today and did some of the things I did back in the day, I'd probably be wearing an orange suit today. Forgiving yourself is really tough but it has to be done. Take care, John

NestWasEmpty

Yes Rio , Both my parents were alcoholics and anxiety ran in the family too. I stayed away from drinking heavy until later years after kids were grown . Once I started drinking more , It grabbed me up . I couldn't shake it for 10+ years . From that I began anxiety attacks
My Dr believes if alcoholism runs in the family - your highly likely to be prone to it . I guess as long as you never start , you have a chance not to
Don't beat your self up young or old we all make mistakes . You can't change the past - but you sure can change your future ...

least

Forgive yourself as you would forgive a good friend. You are worth your own love.

Dee74

I drank or drugged for a similar amount of time rio.

You may emotionally be a teenager now, but the learning curve is pretty swift once we're sober - I went through a period of accelerated growth.

I like being an adult now - and it helped me a lot when dealing with all my old issues too

trachemys

Yep, now you get to grow up.

So, what do you want to be when you grow up?

Rio97

I've been waiting my whole life to grow up, trachemys. Wish it had been sooner.

What do I want to be? I only know what I thought I wanted to be, a dreamed ruined by alcohol and said immaturity. I hate admitting that.

Now I get to figure it out. Maybe there's some truth to the saying "Life starts at 40."

Dee74

I did nothing for 20 years rio - but what I've done in that last 8 has been very meaning to me.

It's never too late to start being the person you should have been

D

fini

Rio,
give yourself a break at one week sober.
makes sense that the stark stuff comes up in all its stark ugliness, but here's another truth: there ARE other solutions than drinking again.
there are ways to deal with horrid stuff done in the past.
different ways.
when you've been sober a bit you can figure out how you wish to deal with it. or not.

thomas11

Hi Rio, I completely relate to what you are saying about acting immaturely. I was probably around your age when I stopped acting like a damn fool when I was drinking. Every time I got drunk I acted like it was a college party. Then I started to notice that everyone else had grown up and it was not cool to be so silly. At first it you may perceive it as boring, but ultimately it had a calming effect for me. The last 7-8 years (when I drank)I felt fairly confident that I acted my age. The exception was when at home playing music, I reverted to a fricking idiot. For the last couple months, I just haven't drank. Now I am the one who see's someone at my age acting like its a college party and think to myself "can't believe I did the same thing". Point being, you are not alone.