After too many failures, nobody cares that I'm sober.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
when i was younger anytime i did anything good everyone just snubbed there nose at it thinking meh he'll screw up again he always does. no one ever believed in me. no one stuck in my corner or at least this is how i felt especially when i'd fall down and people would be like there see see he did it again etc..
it does wonders for self esteem i tell you *sigh*.
as i got older and was not surrounded by those typs of folks anymore it got easier for me.
for me the biggest kicker was always my parents i could be doing so well in one area of my life and they'd punish me to no end about some other area i was still struggling in it made my accomplishments seem nonexistent. Hence i'd just give up all the time.
I'm not sure what sort of advice to give you for your age and situation.
But at my age I simply do not give a damn what they all thing and i charge forward doing what it is i wish to do. Now at your age I would have been told that this is a bad thing you know its bad to just haul off and do it your way you should do it exactly how we tell you to etc.. which is probably why i never adopted this attitude sooner untill i a little older. That keeping me under there thumb had a way of keeping me down basicly rather then helping me.
I'd say keep charging forward on the sober wagon and dont concern yourself with what everyone else things about it. I know easier said then done but dont allow it to get you discouraged and to give up thats really bad and no thte right way to handle it.
it does wonders for self esteem i tell you *sigh*.
as i got older and was not surrounded by those typs of folks anymore it got easier for me.
for me the biggest kicker was always my parents i could be doing so well in one area of my life and they'd punish me to no end about some other area i was still struggling in it made my accomplishments seem nonexistent. Hence i'd just give up all the time.
I'm not sure what sort of advice to give you for your age and situation.
But at my age I simply do not give a damn what they all thing and i charge forward doing what it is i wish to do. Now at your age I would have been told that this is a bad thing you know its bad to just haul off and do it your way you should do it exactly how we tell you to etc.. which is probably why i never adopted this attitude sooner untill i a little older. That keeping me under there thumb had a way of keeping me down basicly rather then helping me.
I'd say keep charging forward on the sober wagon and dont concern yourself with what everyone else things about it. I know easier said then done but dont allow it to get you discouraged and to give up thats really bad and no thte right way to handle it.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by IndGerSweIrl 
And I've found, with a lot of people, it's not that they don't understand the gravity of it, but rather that they don't believe in the finality of it. I guess I have to accept that people don't expect me to make it.
They will believe you when you SHOW them that your behavior is changed. It's up to YOU to prove yourself, not them.
I think 2 months is fantastic & no small accomplishment. But I also haven't dealt with any of the consequences of your drinking so it's easy for me to be more accepting; I'm not personally invested in your sobriety. Recovery is such a very long road & early recovery especially is a daily, uphill battle.
I do hope you take the advice of the other posters & find something internal to base your sobriety on, for your own sake, because your recovery will take on an entirely different tone if you do. When YOU believe you can do it others will too because they'll see it in your words, your actions, your everything! It has a way of shining through.
You can do this & you are SO young! You can have a very long, happy, healthy, recovered life once you make it through all of this!!
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 2,693
Originally Posted by MelindaFlowers
If I had to choose a number, I'd say it takes a year for everyone to be like HOLY ______! He's actually doing this!
As everyone else said, it just takes time. We proved to them that we were not reliable with no drinking for a long time.
At one year I've been through every holiday, every season, and every birthday. People finally take me as a simply a "non-drinker."
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Albuquerque
Posts: 5
Thank you, guys. I know it's not an easy process. And I know I'm an inexperienced kid still learning the ropes. I still cannot legally drink alcohol :P it's just hard to see people who were invested in my sobriety seeming to give up on me.
I'll try to find something internal to base my sobriety on it. That seems to be the general consensus.
I'll try to find something internal to base my sobriety on it. That seems to be the general consensus.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
Sounds like you care an awful lot about what other people think of you. If you are getting sober to please others, you'll never get the pat on the back you think you deserve. If you are getting sober for yourself, then you'll wake up every day with a high-five waiting when you look in the mirror. The sobriety game is an individual sport. We're not out here getting rewards for this (I know because I've been checking my mailbox for 3 years now).
Instant rewards are what cause many of us to drink in the first place. Doesn't take long to feel drunk. Getting sober means not only putting down the drink, but also getting out of that lifestyle, shedding that thought process. Keep it together. Get a plan that works. Stick around here on SR and read the forum. Do this for YOURSELF and nobody else. You can do it, and we're here to give you all the appreciation you'll ever need!
Instant rewards are what cause many of us to drink in the first place. Doesn't take long to feel drunk. Getting sober means not only putting down the drink, but also getting out of that lifestyle, shedding that thought process. Keep it together. Get a plan that works. Stick around here on SR and read the forum. Do this for YOURSELF and nobody else. You can do it, and we're here to give you all the appreciation you'll ever need!
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
Another Friends and Family visitor here...
In September my wife will celebrate three years without a drink and get her new 'chip' from AA. She had a couple slips early or else she'd be approaching 4 years.
I've watched very closely as you might imagine and I am now in Al-anon because I saw what the program did for her and to her and one day I realized I wanted to be more like her instead of the other way around.
Because of my wife's strong involvement in AA that's where our circle of friends is and I have seen some struggle through multiple stops/starts because they could not stay sober. It is very painful for family and friends because they love you but they are afraid, they don't understand that it is a disease and that you don't choose to make your life implode every now and then.
When I decided to marry a woman I knew to be an alcoholic who had come close to dying as a result it was not an easy decision and I did not ignore the very likely probability that she will have a relapse or relapses over the course of her life and that any one of them could kill her. She did what you are doing for a year - try to stop, "White Knuckle" it (no drinking but nothing to replace what it does for you or heals what makes you want to drink). Predictably, that did not work. You are not weak willed and trust me, my wife is no wilting flower either ;-)
AA taught her how to live sober and that really starts with living sane. Alcohol is a tiny part of AA. Step one involves admitting that you are powerless over alcohol and that your life has become unmanageable. It's that second part that applies to pretty much everyone. AA taught her how to deal with resentments so they don't build up, it taught her how to let go of guilt and shame and to accept herself. It taught her to look for her part in every negative situation and try to do better because that's what we can control.
..and it worked. I know that many people get sober and stay sober without AA and I was very skeptical of it 4 years ago but I've seen an awful lot of people make permanent changes and the program gave my son and I back the woman we love and adore so I'm beyond thankful.
Sorry for the long setup to my point:
You are not getting any appreciation from people who have no idea what it takes to stay sober for two months and therefor it's hard for them to know when to clap.
Try a few AA Open 'speaker meetings'. I've been to dozens and what I learned was that each person who shared the story of how they got well told the same story with very minor differences. That's when I truly understood that my wife has a disease rather than a desire to make me crazy ;-)
The people around you can't empathize with you. The ones fortunate enough not to have your 'allergy' don't understand why you can't just stop and stay stopped. The people who you drank with probably don't have any interest in hearing about you not drinking.
The people at AA will understand what two months of sobriety is, you will get daily encouragement and affirmation and support and people to call when you REALLy want that drink or when you are just feeling like crap.
Nobody can do well in a program like AA or Al-anon until they decide that they need it. Not want, Need. So I won't say you should go, just telling you what I've seen it do for people.
Last thought - at dinner one night my wife was complaining that the steps are something every person should try - it's really just a manual for living a happier, healthier life without resentment and guilt and fear so why do we have to do it and everyone else gets off the hook. A lady at our table with about 25 years of sobriety put an arm around her shoulder and said "Because honey, if they don't do these things they just go along being who they are but if we don't do it we wind up dead".
An ouch moment I know, but very true.
I hope you will reach out to try a couple meetings and talk to people there. You will get a lot of hugs and high fives from anyone and everyone who hears about you making it two months on your own because everyone you meet will either be where you were, where you are or where you want to go but all will understand and be glad for you.
FWIW I'm proud of you, I know that is no small thing and you did it on your own with no support? Wow. If you can do that you can do the rest and change. It may take time but others will see it. Around 2 years into my wife's sobriety I told her that I trusted her and truly respected and admired who she had become and she cried. It took her a lot of work to claw her way out of the hole she had fallen into and once out she kept climbing. I try to be more like her - one day at a time.
In September my wife will celebrate three years without a drink and get her new 'chip' from AA. She had a couple slips early or else she'd be approaching 4 years.
I've watched very closely as you might imagine and I am now in Al-anon because I saw what the program did for her and to her and one day I realized I wanted to be more like her instead of the other way around.
Because of my wife's strong involvement in AA that's where our circle of friends is and I have seen some struggle through multiple stops/starts because they could not stay sober. It is very painful for family and friends because they love you but they are afraid, they don't understand that it is a disease and that you don't choose to make your life implode every now and then.
When I decided to marry a woman I knew to be an alcoholic who had come close to dying as a result it was not an easy decision and I did not ignore the very likely probability that she will have a relapse or relapses over the course of her life and that any one of them could kill her. She did what you are doing for a year - try to stop, "White Knuckle" it (no drinking but nothing to replace what it does for you or heals what makes you want to drink). Predictably, that did not work. You are not weak willed and trust me, my wife is no wilting flower either ;-)
AA taught her how to live sober and that really starts with living sane. Alcohol is a tiny part of AA. Step one involves admitting that you are powerless over alcohol and that your life has become unmanageable. It's that second part that applies to pretty much everyone. AA taught her how to deal with resentments so they don't build up, it taught her how to let go of guilt and shame and to accept herself. It taught her to look for her part in every negative situation and try to do better because that's what we can control.
..and it worked. I know that many people get sober and stay sober without AA and I was very skeptical of it 4 years ago but I've seen an awful lot of people make permanent changes and the program gave my son and I back the woman we love and adore so I'm beyond thankful.
Sorry for the long setup to my point:
You are not getting any appreciation from people who have no idea what it takes to stay sober for two months and therefor it's hard for them to know when to clap.
Try a few AA Open 'speaker meetings'. I've been to dozens and what I learned was that each person who shared the story of how they got well told the same story with very minor differences. That's when I truly understood that my wife has a disease rather than a desire to make me crazy ;-)
The people around you can't empathize with you. The ones fortunate enough not to have your 'allergy' don't understand why you can't just stop and stay stopped. The people who you drank with probably don't have any interest in hearing about you not drinking.
The people at AA will understand what two months of sobriety is, you will get daily encouragement and affirmation and support and people to call when you REALLy want that drink or when you are just feeling like crap.
Nobody can do well in a program like AA or Al-anon until they decide that they need it. Not want, Need. So I won't say you should go, just telling you what I've seen it do for people.
Last thought - at dinner one night my wife was complaining that the steps are something every person should try - it's really just a manual for living a happier, healthier life without resentment and guilt and fear so why do we have to do it and everyone else gets off the hook. A lady at our table with about 25 years of sobriety put an arm around her shoulder and said "Because honey, if they don't do these things they just go along being who they are but if we don't do it we wind up dead".
An ouch moment I know, but very true.
I hope you will reach out to try a couple meetings and talk to people there. You will get a lot of hugs and high fives from anyone and everyone who hears about you making it two months on your own because everyone you meet will either be where you were, where you are or where you want to go but all will understand and be glad for you.
FWIW I'm proud of you, I know that is no small thing and you did it on your own with no support? Wow. If you can do that you can do the rest and change. It may take time but others will see it. Around 2 years into my wife's sobriety I told her that I trusted her and truly respected and admired who she had become and she cried. It took her a lot of work to claw her way out of the hole she had fallen into and once out she kept climbing. I try to be more like her - one day at a time.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
to all above.. be true to yourself and you will see the light.. try to light anothers path and it leads to a darker side.. so proud of you all. cheers Hip Hip Hip Hooorrraaaahhh.. hugs ardy... my hubby is now 2 weeks off the morphine.. the days and nights have been rough.. love him so much.. so glad I have all of you. . prayers to all ardy
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Welcome to SR! Two months is some solid time!
Can you manage a counselor through insurance or college health center? That doubled up with the 12 steps will help you mature and help focus this process to being more about you and building your self esteem.
As for your GF not reacting with a pat on the back, consider how you've been acting around her. My husband - in early recovery - was a raging H.A.LT mess. I got so sick of his moodiness and unpredictable behavior that there were dark moments when I wished he'd just have a drink! Yep. It's true.
He stuck it out though and has 2+ years sober. He knows I'm pretty proud of him but we aren't throwing ticker tape parades for him...
Can you manage a counselor through insurance or college health center? That doubled up with the 12 steps will help you mature and help focus this process to being more about you and building your self esteem.
As for your GF not reacting with a pat on the back, consider how you've been acting around her. My husband - in early recovery - was a raging H.A.LT mess. I got so sick of his moodiness and unpredictable behavior that there were dark moments when I wished he'd just have a drink! Yep. It's true.
He stuck it out though and has 2+ years sober. He knows I'm pretty proud of him but we aren't throwing ticker tape parades for him... Woe is Moo.
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
IGS, I has also experience this phenomenon. And also the phenomenon of that nobody seem to care that I WAS FREAKING GONNA DIE will I still using! I calls it: "Compassion Fatigue"
Like you, I have many, many ...many... failures in try to get sober. Now that I has some sober time in and some distance, I can understand that friend and family have they own lives and troubles and (even though it total suck and is no fair cuz nobody would stop feel compassion for someone with any other disease) I can see how, at some point, they just kind of move on from caring about it.
Everybody here know how hard it is, okay? And we salute you. Please take comforts in that. And plus also, I total jealous of you! Holy crap, recognizing problem and getting you shht together at such young age. Damn. Good on you, man. You need something internal to base you sobriety on? How bout, you just save you own life, redirect you entire future to the positive, and relieve you self of soooo much sufferings. I think that enough to hang you hat on, yes?
Like you, I have many, many ...many... failures in try to get sober. Now that I has some sober time in and some distance, I can understand that friend and family have they own lives and troubles and (even though it total suck and is no fair cuz nobody would stop feel compassion for someone with any other disease) I can see how, at some point, they just kind of move on from caring about it.
Everybody here know how hard it is, okay? And we salute you. Please take comforts in that. And plus also, I total jealous of you! Holy crap, recognizing problem and getting you shht together at such young age. Damn. Good on you, man. You need something internal to base you sobriety on? How bout, you just save you own life, redirect you entire future to the positive, and relieve you self of soooo much sufferings. I think that enough to hang you hat on, yes?
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: highland beach, florida
Posts: 649
Originally Posted by IndGerSweIrl
Thank you, guys. I know it's not an easy process. And I know I'm an inexperienced kid still learning the ropes. I still cannot legally drink alcohol :P it's just hard to see people who were invested in my sobriety seeming to give up on me.
I'll try to find something internal to base my sobriety on it. That seems to be the general consensus.
I'll try to find something internal to base my sobriety on it. That seems to be the general consensus.
Well the "No one cares that I'm sober" sentence is a little premature.
I say this because , although 2 months without drinking is a wonderful and promising Start it is just that, a START.
This is a journey you are in for--one that no one can experience for you nor understand what it feels like for you. Thus the perceived
disconnection. If you are not a drunk you have no idea what strength of will it takes to stop drinking for 2 months let alone achieving sobriety.
Perhaps you do not realize you have been given a gift of knowledge at a very young age--you have accepted the fact you ARE an alcoholic and want to do something about it. I believe this means you have many great things you can accomplish in your life once you are out of the clutches of alcohol.
Something must have made you want to give up drinking in the first place--what was that?
This journey cannot be made for someone else , it cannot be made for the acceptance or admiration of others. Your attempts cannot be expected to be judged by others as good or bad, because NO ONE ELSE MATTERS EXCEPT YOU (and what you want for yourself).
So my dear Live for yourself not others. Alcoholism will eventually kill you so if you want all that life has in store for you --let these 2 months be the beginning of a long journey that will end in Sobriety....and know that Sobriety must be held onto harder than anything you will experience, because it can be taken away so easily if the will allows weakness to allow that drunk back into your life.
You have too much to achieve to allow anyone or anything determine your success at getting sober. You are the only one strong enough to matter in this fight --so buck up baby and get ready to take it head on with NO support from anyone if need be. The day will come when you will be a far superior being for getting through this journey, and you will know just how special you are to have made it....and the hell with other people.
SR is where to come when you need someone to know what your going through, because we here have been where you are , have failed, and picked our self up again, only to fail again....but eventually we made it . You will too.
Sincerely,
CML
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You're getting some great feedback, here.
You know, honestly, nobody but another alcoholic truly appreciates what is involved in getting sober and staying that way. And really, it's nobody else's JOB to appreciate it. I mean, I'm sure your loved ones are grateful you haven't been drinking, and I'm sure on some level they are waiting for the other shoe to drop. That's human nature. When you're disappointed again and again it's too painful to keep your hopes up.
It's OK. They WILL eventually trust that you are going to stay sober (provided, of course, that you do that). But they may forever shake their heads and not understand what the freakin' big DEAL was with drinking. There's a very good reason alcoholics in recovery lean on each other for support.
And I, for one, am VERY happy and pleased with your two months. Keep it up, dude, there are real payoffs down the line if you continue.
You know, honestly, nobody but another alcoholic truly appreciates what is involved in getting sober and staying that way. And really, it's nobody else's JOB to appreciate it. I mean, I'm sure your loved ones are grateful you haven't been drinking, and I'm sure on some level they are waiting for the other shoe to drop. That's human nature. When you're disappointed again and again it's too painful to keep your hopes up.
It's OK. They WILL eventually trust that you are going to stay sober (provided, of course, that you do that). But they may forever shake their heads and not understand what the freakin' big DEAL was with drinking. There's a very good reason alcoholics in recovery lean on each other for support.
And I, for one, am VERY happy and pleased with your two months. Keep it up, dude, there are real payoffs down the line if you continue.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Albuquerque
Posts: 5
I really appreciate the positive responses. I wish I'd found y'all sooner. Haha, I only found this site via Googling the title of this post.
In the state where I live in, alcoholism and drug abuse are a huge problem. We've got a lot of cultures famous for their abuse all kind of conglomerating in my hometown. So people know it's a problem. I think it's honestly that people are disappointed in me. And I can understand that. It just hurts and I needed somewhere safe to say it.
In the state where I live in, alcoholism and drug abuse are a huge problem. We've got a lot of cultures famous for their abuse all kind of conglomerating in my hometown. So people know it's a problem. I think it's honestly that people are disappointed in me. And I can understand that. It just hurts and I needed somewhere safe to say it.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast
Posts: 1,068
I didn't go seeking this thread out - it popped up on my newsfeed - but as someone on the other side, I will add my two cents and I have to say I am kind of surprised that no one seems to realize this: When you relapse, people who love you are actually hurt. If you have been a chronic relapser, they have put faith and hope in you many times to be disappointed and hurt many times.
No one wants to live with constant drama and disappointment related to someone they LOVE.
Congratulations on your ongoing (one day at a time) sobriety. I hope you can find a way to do it for yourself and when the people who love you see YOU are really serious, you will get the kudos you want. They are not withholding because they don't care, but because of hurt and fear.
Much good luck. Do something about that self-esteem. Every living being on this planet has value. You and your life mean something. Believe it!
No one wants to live with constant drama and disappointment related to someone they LOVE.
Congratulations on your ongoing (one day at a time) sobriety. I hope you can find a way to do it for yourself and when the people who love you see YOU are really serious, you will get the kudos you want. They are not withholding because they don't care, but because of hurt and fear.
Much good luck. Do something about that self-esteem. Every living being on this planet has value. You and your life mean something. Believe it!
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