OneLessLonely

I am three years sober with the help of SR alone. Life changes and increased stress have turned me irritable and discontented, and highlighted my lack of coping skills. I started going to one particular meeting a few weeks ago hoping that just being around people who "get it" would help. There are lots of women there with long sobriety who look to have what I want. I took a chance and called the one I liked the most. Not only does she have too many sponsees already, she totally overwhelmed me with recommendations of more meetings and meeting more people and more dedicated time. I now have a small child and husband who, for legitimate and non-legitmate reasons, I don't want to leave every night to go to meetings or meet with people. I'm scared that delving into this new life will make my husband and I grow apart. But then what if it's the key to my issues and happiness? But then what if I am just being too hopeful for that and it's not? There are hundreds of variables in my head right now. I haven't shared in meetings and I usually only post in a couple regular threads here. So I thought I'd just spill what's on my mind and see what happens. I sometimes wonder if my anxiety has caused me to believe I'm an alcoholic and I don't really need all this. I sometimes worry that's what my husband thinks. I've heard the saying about rather thinking you're an alcoholic and not be one than think you aren't an alcoholic and be one.
This is all besides the fact I have terrible social anxiety and can barely talk to the people as it is.
Anyways thanks for reading.

ScottFromWI

Sounds to me like you are trying to do way too many things at one time OLL. Anxiety will do that to you though..and ironically it makes the anxiety worse.

You mention anxiety many times...have you ever considered seeing a therapist or reading up on some self help anxiety methods? Both have been very helpful for me, especially the mindfulness/meditation concepts.

zjw

for what its worth I pop into meetings now and then and thats about it. I just had issues mingleing if you will. the meetings are also at 8pm and i'm pretty tired tho that might be an excuse as I see other people there and there nodding off if they can make it and are tired i bet i could too if i set my mind to it.

I'd say do what /your/ comfortable with regardless of anyone elses opinion. How you view yourself is more important then how others view you. and i dont mean that in a selfish / self centered way. People will come and people will go etc.. but you will always have to deal with you. At the end of the day you have to be comfortable in your own skin and content with yourself

Fly N Buy

OneLess -

Thanks for posting.
When I felt restless, irritable and discontented my mind would immediately turn to alcohol. I could sense that feeling of ahhhhhhh that a few drinks would give me. Just float away from my problems.

I am grateful today to understand this feeling is pervasive in alcoholics and therefore mentioned in The Big Book.

3 years is a terrific accomplishment!! Whatever happens daily, our lives are so much better without pouring poison into our bodies. It is grace that you've discovered this at a young age - your child will thank you with their smiles daily for your efforts

You are unusual in that it's rare to have someone with 3 years sobriety start going to AA meetings. Again - Good for you to recognize that something isn't right.

Fear is huge issue with alcoholics and with normal people. It's the extent of fear and how we process / deal with it that can separate alcoholics from the pack. AA will give you tools of how to deal with that.

Perhaps consider going to meetings on your schedule and don't fret what a new friend is directing you to do at this point. She certainly means well, but it's your journey - your sobriety.

Maybe just go to the meetings you can and meditate while your there. When ready, share a little. Get a couple phone numbers - maybe have lunch or coffee with another member just to say hello.

Scott mentioned a therapist - never a bad idea! That can be scheduled times and perhaps you can open up more to that person.

Keep posting here, breathe and don't drink!!
You are doing great........obviously you love your family very much

zjw

I was sober a year and then went to AA for the first time. people looked at me like i was from another planet. I think its odd for people to do that. I think thats part of the reason I have had issues mingling

Gilmer

Your instincts are right: that woman gave you bad advice. It is not wise to abandon your home to go gallivanting to as many meetings as she recommends. If you really would like to try AA, try another meeting. If it's the only only meeting in town, pop in several more times (when you need it) and gauge somebody else to be your sponsor.

doggonecarl

First off, congrats on three years.

I think in a three-year span a person is bound to have periods of being irritable and discontented. Are you in a normal lull? Or are you seriously thinking about drinking and a way to return to "happiness" again.

OneLessLonely

Thank you everyone for the responses. I can appreciate each of your insights and really appreciate everyone taking time to respond.

To answer a couple questions, I have seen a few therapists in my life. Most of which were very helpful. I've only gone for periods of a couple months before getting let go because I start doing better.
I have been on anti-depressant/antianxiety meds before. I had a very hard time coming off of them to get pregnant. I plan on having more children and don't want to go through coming off of them again.
Im not sure if this is a regular lull. The first year sober it was just my husband and I. It was hard of course but I had the ability to taylor my life around sobriety. The second year I became pregnant and had a baby. I stopped working and all my focus went to her and it was pretty fine. Emotional but lots of downtime to regroup while she was napping. The third year I have found myself completely drowning in toddler tantrums, whining, and clinging. My only job is to take care of this small human who seems to hatr me. (I know this is not true.) The one nap I spend doing housework- dishes, laundry, picking up, etc. No downtime to regroup, no time for self care, on top of feeling like I'm constantly failing and constantly guilty.

I know drinking is not an option. I don't have the coping skills for what I'm dealing with. I guess I didn't have the opportunity to develop them because I sheltered myself the first couple years. Now it's like trial by fire. I have a lot of mom friends and we get out and do things. A lot. I'm terrified of putting her back in daycare so I don't feel going back to work is an option. Not enough family help for that either. My husband has been supportive of me having breaks but its just been for the weekly meeting really. I feel guilty taking any more time/break. So I feel a little trapped. Like I said I know drinking is not an option, but I can't sustain like this. And I'm afraid one day I'll snap and just won't care what the consequences are for drinking and do it. Blah! That felt like a lot to get out.

Dee74

I'm not a parent, but I think dealing with a new baby, and all the life changes that entails, must be stressful OLL.

You might want to cut yourself a little slack - sobriety doesn't make us saints or supermen (or women).

I think speaking with a Dr or a counsellor is a really good idea

D

Ken33xx

Yeah, not very good advice.

We`ve got a guy at our local meetings who likes to share about "taking the albatross off" and be free. (He gave up his business after getting overwhelmed with a lawsuit)

I sit quietly yet want to say is, "Sure, but that`s because your wife supports you and you don`t have to work."

Unfortunately, many families need the two incomes."

Gilmer

I recommend using one or two of your daughter's naptimes to either sleep yourself or brew yourself a cup of coffee or tea. (Prayer in the quiet can really help your spirit: you get to pour out your inmost thoughts to someone who knows you intimately and cares; plus, you can often feel the calm of his presence).

Sometimes invite a good friend over to sip tea with you--it's so nice to really talk to a fellow adult!

I am glad your husband supports you by watching her while you go to meetings. Maybe he'll never fully grasp your relation with alcohol--normies often don't--but you can tell him, "My abstention makes me feel better" and leave it at that.

Jeni26

Hi my friend.

Toddler tantrums are so draining. I remember mine going through that stage. My son would lay prone on the floor in the middle of shopping trips and refuse to budge, and my daughter wouldn't leave an activity she was enjoying. I remember carrying her out of parties under my arm with her shoes in one hand where she had refused to put them on.

Absolutely exhausting...and normal.

Having time out is really important. Have you anyone who could care for her while you went out with hubby for a meal? Is there a crèche at your local sports centre so you could go for a swim?

I know it's impossible to believe, but this stage does pass and they become more manageable and enjoyable.

I remember when mine were little, my H and I used to take turns to cook for each other at home once they were asleep. We would pick a different country every week and choose an authentic recipe to cook. We made it like a date night and lit candles etc. they were happy times and recharged my batteries.

Toddlers are all consuming and demanding little creatures. Sounds like you need a break. If I lived closer I would offer to babysit.

This may not have anything to do with drinking. Reasonably, how would alcohol help your situation in any way. You would just have to cope with her with a hangover. I remember those days and they were no fun.

Hang in there ❤️

aasharon90

When I entered recovery via a family
intervention, I was in my 8th yr. marriage
with 2 little ones. At 2 weeks completed
they told me I wasn't ready to return to
my family and wanted to send me to a
halfway house out of town for several
months.

I was soooo scared and begged that
they not send me out of town and that
I would do whatever I needed to do
right there where I was. Just don't send
me away. further away from my family.

They agreed and, yes, I was separated
from my little family for almost a month,
but I soon went home.

After rehab I had to complete a 6 week
aftercare program in which I did. In doing
so, it got me in the habit of being responsible
to going to a recovery group everyday.

Sure it was hard, BUT, I wanted and needed
to do whatever I needed to do to stay close
to my family and most of all remain sober.

ANYTHING. To go to ANY LENGTHS to
REMAIN SOBER.

Notice I didn't say anything about being
happy and content because I wasn't all
the time. However I was sober which is
the most important thing in early recovery.
To LEARN how to remain sober.

I listened, learned, absorbed and applied
the fundimentals of a recovery program
taught to me using steps and principles
set down for us to incorporate in my every
day affair.

I didn't slack on my family responsibilities
nor did I with my recovery program all to
the best of my human ability.

Thru my 25 yr marriage my little family
grew, matured and finished college,
marriage, great jobs, no addictions, never
skipping a beat in their own life endevors.

My marriage however did end at 25yrs.
peacefully which was a gift and blessing.
The lack of understanding, communication
and dishonesty became a factor in ending
our marriage.

I wanted the man I married at the beginning
but it wasn't in the cards for us, because we
both grew apart. He didn't understand how
important living in recovery was for me, and
even tho I wasn't drinking any longer, he
felt I no longer needed AA as my crutch,
my support.

Even tho he had no addiction problems
he didn't understand what being an alcoholic
truly is. It takes one to know one.

It was like both of us living on different
plants hardly ever understanding each
others needs and wants.

In early recovery he did attend alanon
briefly just enough to pick up the word
detachment and sure enough it separated
us.

I remain so unhappy, miserable and
discontent thru out our marriage and
finally with using my program of recovery
taught to me, I was able to apply it to
all areas of my life and thus was able to
exit the marriage.

Yrs. later I was blessed onced again and
am finally happy, healthy, honest, content,
in my 6 yr marriage now.

And yes, I am still living my recovery life
still on my recovery journey for 24 yrs as
I inch towards 25 yrs come 8-11-90 next
month.

Find balance in your life, keeping your
responsibilities in order between family
and recovery for your own peace of mind.

This is your sober life and in order to
be sucesssfully sober thru out each day,
it requires recovery maintanence
working thru each step building a stronger,
solid foundation to live upon for yrs to come.

If my little family had gotten into a recovery
program suited for them then we may have
remained a strong family unit today. When
one member of the family is sick or ill with
addiction, it affects everyone involved whether
they like it or not.

It takes the entire family to be committed
to getting healthy together in order to become
strong and healthy as one.

Sadly this didn't happen for me, but
im sure there are some good examples
of how family rally around each other
to remain together.

Take care of you and your own recovery
because no one else will understand or
care if they are working a recovery program
themselves.

Of course this is my own ESH experiences,
strengths and hopes of what my life was and
is like before, during and after alcohol to get
me where I am today. Healthy, Happy and Honest.

Ruby2

I pop in meetings periodically and I've been around long enough that I'm comfortable mingling. The woman you called sounds a little overwhelming. She probably means to be helpful but only you can judge what will work and what clearly isn't.

Try a different meeting or just go when you can. Toddlers are tough and demanding. I sometimes find just one hour at a meeting, listening or sharing, is a nice respite from the chaos at home. When I can make it. Hang in there. Toddlers do grow up. Mine are 9 and 7 now. They're still challenging but in different ways.

And a guy I've met through meetings talks about that he had a year sober before he walked into AA. He said he found what he'd been missing in sobriety.

Hang in there

fini

OLL,
i got sober in 2006 (after thirty years of drinking) with secular peer support, mostly on a forum, though there was a f2f meeting.
not drinking was the easy part; the "rest of it" started getting more and more difficult. which made no sense. at about sober year four, i was extremely miserable. irritable and discontent describes it exactly.
i started checking out AA. couldn't find a meeting i liked. couldn't decide if "liking" it was important.
knew i needed "something".
last year, in year 8, i found what i needed; i started with the damn step-thing.

is making all the difference.

long time getting there, but please don't be discouraged.
and yeah, being looked at as if you're from another planet?
it's okay.
let them look

NYCDoglvr

Ask another woman for her number and call. The program saved my life and my sanity, but I had to take suggestions and make a lot of meetings. Good luck.

Yellow1111

Huge congratulations on three years! Well done. As a parent myself, I can attest it is the hardest, most stressful job in the world. And I have had help! I never drank AT ALL until I had kids. I love them so deeply, but -- parenting, doing it right anyway, is stressful and exhausting. By the time they were 3 or 4, I was drinking at LEAST 2 glasses of wine every single night. I will say now that they are a bit older, it's a little easier. You will get through this stage. I would (and still do) put head phones on and listen to music, put ear plugs in just b/c I couldn't stand the tantrums, or go in the yard and just walk the length over and over until I felt the stress subside.
You can do this. Lots of great support here.
Yellow