sleepie

I am reading "Codependent no More", but I am reading it to my boyfriend. Because It was suggested by someone here that I am codependent. Ok so I know I am the problem as the alcoholic. And I think my boyfriend should read the book. But then why am I the one reading him the book because he won't take care of himself emotionally and I am the one who thinks this is an important thing that should be seen to?
He has made it a habit to avoid most people and most things in his life.
And I don't know where the line is between him helping me because he cares for me and me just being selfish? I thought if you cared for someone it's ok to help them out? I have never, ever had anyone care for me this way before. Is it wrong to try and take advantage of this and quit drinking and everything? I don't have a family of any kind, I have had an abusive experience so I went no contact a long time ago. I don't get it. I like that my boyfriend cares about me is that wrong? I've never had that before just manipulative liars and cheaters or people who hurt me and used me.
He would never do a self help book. He sticks his head in the sand but I am willing to face things, I have no choice. Especially after learning I have a learning disorder I have had no choice but to face painful things and ugly truths about myself. And my ugly upbringing. I know I am the problem one.
I don't know what to do. I am working so hard on sobriety and getting off benzos. It won't happen overnight. What else can I do?
I am so confused.
And now I feel terrible because I think the book paints the other non codie (unless I am but in a different way) as a devil that is entirely selfish and horrible.

Gilmer

I say put the book down. It's harming, not helping.

Work on staying sober and do something kind for him every day.

As you grow emotionally during your growing sobriety, you will see more clearly IF you need to adjust anything.

Stop trying to change your boyfriend. You're the only one you can change.

sleepie

Gilmer I know you have a point.
Thank you for this simple advice, this is doable.

happybeingme

Just because your boyfriend is involved with you doesn't mean he is codependent. You trying to make him see he is sick and needs fixing is codependent. Put the book down and worry about yourself.

Just because your boyfriend prefers being alone doesn't mean he has a problem. Maybe he is just an introvert.

If the two of you are happy with your situation why worry about what others think?

I get that you have a learning disability but unless it prevents you from performing basic self care. Stop focusing on it. That only sets you up for defeat.

Kris47

Hugs Sleepie,

Just be thankful for where you're at right now. You're doing really well. Don't need to read too much into it. Just keep up whatever you're doing. Stay sober and things will work out for you slowly and in the right time frame.

Best wishes!

sleepie

I just want to be sure I am in a healthy relationship with equal parts give and take on both parts. I don't want him fretting about upsetting me or about me drinking.
I am not trying to fix anyone, I just want him to open up. He does tend not to say much until he is upset.
As far as being an introvert, I just have a defense mechanism of acting extroverted to distract someone before they can criticize me. It's an anxiety thing too. Intense social anxiety. He does not have that, he didn't have traumatic experiences growing up.
But he is a self declared introvert. Nobody would guess I am the same. I am so used to ridicule and embarrassment I try very hard to fit in. It makes me look extroverted but the reality is I am scared much of the time.

Kris47

I am an extroverted introvert.

My husband is an introvert and we get along fine.

Don't think so hard on this sleepie. Go with your gut instincts. Enjoy the relationship for what it is. Your gut will tell you if you are not where you aught to be. Relax a little. Seems your friend is able to do that.

happybeingme

Being an introvert is something you are born with. It's how your brain works. It has zero to do with your childhood. You don't become introverted or extroverted. That may be something you want to read about. I found it helpful for myself to learn about introversion.

Let him decide what he wants to worry about. I don't think there is perfect 50/50 in a relationship. We each bring our own strengths and weaknesses. So, you bring 70% in one spot and he brings 70 % in another. Overall you both are giving your fair share.

zjw

sleepie I dunno but reading your post(s) I was reminded of something. In early sobriety and well when i drank a lot my mind went around and around and around in circles basicly overthinking and obsessing the same things problems and issues over and over and over. It was like how many times could i beat the dead horse to death a GAZILLION apparently. I had this inability to just let go of things that where haunting me. It got easier as the time went on and i do still have some struggles but not like that.

My point is maybe your over thinking it? maybe your just going around and around and around and things are ok as they are?

sleepie

Well I can speak for myself, my experiences absolutely shaped me. Absolutely. And that's the truth. I recall being an outgoing happy kid, curious about the world around me, until the years of abuse began, and intense humiliation at the hands of my peers, teachers and parents. I wasn't born a fearful person. Humans did it. And that is why I trust few.
Anyway, I am not here to have my life or experiences invalidated. God knows I've had enough of that.
Now I'm going to hide in a corner because I stuck up for myself and I am actually nauseous...

zjw

geeze I can relate to your points here all of them!

I know when i stick up for myself it can be emotionaly exhausting.

Justincredible

"I am reading "Codependent no More", but I am reading it to my boyfriend."

Something doesn't seem right with reading a self help book to another person. They have to be willing and ready to change on their own if there even is a problem.

I agree with the others, focus on sobriety and yourself and everything else will start falling into place.

Best wishes!

happybeingme

My post did not in any way belittle your past. I know all to well how the pain and horror can haunt you forever. I merely am pointing out that introversion is not something you develop. You are born that way. I was generally a happy child as well until my dad walked out on my 7th birthday and my world crumbled. But I was always an introvert. I have a rich imagination. I like people but prefer small groups to large. I recharge by isolating. These are normal behaviors for an introvert. Nothing maladaptive or abnormal about it. Seriously, read up on it. It really did help me understand myself better and to see how normal I really am.

least

I too would say, put the book down and let things go as they seem to be fine as they are.

Kris47

A big hug Sleepie and try and be gentle on yourself and just let go and let happen what may. You're doing so good on your sobriety. Keep it up.

tomsteve

IMO there are some things required for a healthy relationship:
I must be healthy first and foremost.......

sleepie

How nice to able to finally read about how normal you are.
It's a privilege I will never enjoy, as a person with a learning disorder.
I don't believe being an introvert or not excludes one from the responsibilities of give and take in a relationship.
This thread really had nothing to do with anyone's introversion or extroversion.
If we can stay on point.

Thank you.