walkbeformakrun

Thanks again Amandaw. I don't think you should worry about posting about failing. Its helpful. And don't apologize for typos. I'd rather hear from you with typos than have you wait for the perfect time to type.

Its great your husband supports you like that. My wife wants me to quit too but can't do it herself so.....

As for the pills not being enough, sure I get that, worry about that. The fact no one is making me take them is somewhat a problem. If I feel like I want to drink and that urge lasts long enough, well then I can. If I just forget to take them and then realize that, then I can drink.

Ideally I'd like to get to the point where I don't need them to keep from drinking.

AA is definitely not for me. I'm not very sociable without a computer screen between me and the other people. I went to a few online meetings and I swear I thought I was in an old style religious revival. I'm not even into higher power thinking much less a personal god so that was no good for me. They hardly talked about anything BUT god.

I like AVRT. But I fail at the point where you have to say, "And I will never change my mind." Been there, changed my mind, and won't believe myself if I say that again.

I do have an IC for other reasons. He is the reason I started taking the pill. He was very good at persuading me to quit drinking. But that is not why I'm seeing him. When I had my first relapse and then got sober again, he wanted to and did spend the next 4 weeks talking just about that. So now I am afraid to talk to him about drinking anymore. Sad to say but drinking is NOT my biggest problem and I need him more for that other stuff.

I'm glad to hear you could stay sober when pregnant. Plenty of women can't do that. It is a good sign.

If you only made it to week 3 before then I can tell you for me, about week 4 was when I started feeling like I could do without the pill. I started feeling far less craving. I had created a new lifestyle. I had been in old situations where I was used to drinking and did not. I had history as a sober person.

Thanks again. Take care of your little one and yourself. I have two that are old enough to know there is a problem with me and drinking. It motivates me to keep trying to be better.

walkbeformakrun

Yesterday was a very hard day. Multiple personal problems that would normally be numbed by drink. I felt a very strong urge for a very long time. Painful feelings and thoughts of, "why did I take that pill!!"

So today when I woke up, I took it first thing. Before I could change my mind.

Soberwolf

Good job on not drinking yesterday

walkbeformakrun

I really did not have a choice yesterday. I was on the pill. I certainly would have drank yesterday, if I was not.

amandaw

Good job on taking the pill, and on your own. That's even better. I'm on day 9 today. I fully understand the AA religious thing. I was fully against going because of that. Also because I hate the idea of sharing and speaking during meetings. IOP also requires several AA meetings per week. I'll just have to deal with it. I do have to admit though is that I have started to become more open to religion and spirituality and I've considered myself atheist for a number of years. I'm going to give church a chance again (at some point, I promise).

I've heard of Smart Recovery as well. Maybe there are meetings in your area. They aren't religious based. My area only has one per week and I live in a large city, so I'm not sure about the availability in your area. Posting on SR is a good thing. Maybe that, in combination with Antabuse, will be all you need.

I'm fairly certain it will take longer that 4 weeks for me to manage cravings and for them to go away, although that does make me hopeful. I crave daily. Being on summer vacation doesn't make it any easier. I have more time to fixate. I've already tried all the tricks in the book so my husband can't be fooled. I switched my lexapro and Antabuse which worked for about a week - until I started drinking, of course. I flushed my Antabuse and my husband had to wait until I had a new prescription (luckily I was just about due for a refill). I've flat out refused to take it (now he calls my mom if i refuse). I'm terrified of my mom. In the beginning I'd say I took it when I didn't (now he watches me take it, and keeps it hidden from me).

Part of me (a big part) wants to drink again before rehab, but I know that it will be a huge binge. If I think it through I see it as at least a 2 day ordeal. The hangovers are worse when there's any Antabuse in my system and I get drunk much faster to where what I could drink without a hangover the next day, makes me basically incoherent.

The best course of action is for me to keep on the Antabuse and attend IOP when it starts and actually finish it up!

I hope things are going well for you and you're getting the support you need.

fini

walk,
sorry you're struggling so with yourself.
and just to say that my experience of a new "lifestyle" is that i couldn't do it in 4 weeks. though i often thought i could. that kind of turn-around took a whole lot longer for me, for a real change.

my best suggestion re different programs/ways is to listen to listen, and when you hear a few long-term sober people share about what they did and how it is with them today and that makes sense to you, check that out and follow what has worked for them .

walkbeformakrun

Quote:

Originally Posted by amandaw

Good job on taking the pill, and on your own. That's even better. I'm on day 9 today.

So a virtual day 12, right?

Quote:

because I hate the idea of sharing and speaking during meetings.

Actually I think I'd like that part. I enjoy talking to groups of people. I'm just not real patient about listening. lol Especially if it is all about god. I was raised religious, went to parochial schools. I've had enough god talk for 10 life times.

Quote:

Posting on SR is a good thing. Maybe that, in combination with Antabuse, will be all you need.

It is new for me to be here everyday. I read something from a poster, Courage2, that it helped her to post everyday. So I'm giving it a try.

Quote:

Being on summer vacation doesn't make it any easier. I have more time to fixate.

I totally sympathize with that! Ever weekend is like that for me. I'm dying to go to the beach and be numb tomorrow.

Quote:

I've already tried all the tricks in the book so my husband can't be fooled.

It is sweet that he cares so much for you. Puts up with bad behavior and keeps trying to help you. It sounds like he really wants to help you.

Is that it or is he codependent? Is his help not wanted?

My wife would also do anything to help me. Oh, well, except to stop drinking that is. lol.

Of course I know her drinking should not affect me. And seriously, its not that big a factor. She is not half the drinker I was so I feel bad asking her to stop. It is just I see her and want to joint the party.

The biggest thing that make me want to drink though is conflict with her. That is way more of a trigger. When that happens I get off the charts cravings. I guess I need to look into why that is.

amandaw

My husband is totally codependent. He's a non drinker though so it's not like we party together. We have two young kids and I am mostly a closet drinker. I would drink a little when the kids were awake and then really go crazy once they were asleep. There have been exceptions and on occasion my daughter (5) has seen me drunk. There have been times I've passed out and she's cried over me not waking up. This has happened only a few times (thank God) and I never want it to happen again. I certainly don't want her to remember it.

Stress is my biggest trigger. Stress over finances, work, family, housework, you name it. I also tend to over think everything. I'm a worrier and I'm always worried about something. I'm craving alcohol as I type. It will go away soon, plus I'm on Antabuse, so not much I can do about it.

I hope you had a good day! We can all get through this.

walkbeformakrun

Of course marital stress is my biggest trigger. Boredom is too. I've started being a lot more active to help with the boredom trigger.

I skipped writing here yesterday. I also missed taking the pill. I think it is just a coincidence. Not sure. Taking it today though. I was just so busy with family activities yesterday that I didn't have time to even read here much less post. The pill just slipped my mind. I remembered it several times during the day while I was out. Then when I got home I figured its late, I will take it in the morning.

I have to admit though that I also thought, maybe it's time to take a break from the pill. I had a very boring night out with friends on Friday. Everyone was drinking but me. Even my wife. I was so bored and could not wait to just end it. Get home. And these are some of my most fun friends.

dwtbd

I think mindset is the most important factor in quitting. If you can acquire that the rest is in keeping it. Sober time goes a long way to helping stay the resolve.
Maybe some relatively benign mind games , or perspective twists can help with getting the proper mindset to help actualize the nondrinker within.
Alot of attention is given to triggers, identifying the things or situations that get the AV all fired up and noisy. Lots of talk of how to avoid them and what to do when we seen one coming, talk that sometimes I think gives them more power or importance than they deserve, but almost another topic in itself
Anyway my dumbass thought/ramble was would there be any benefit or result to pointedly identifying and focusing on what triggers us to want to be sober?
Kind of take the idea of a trigger, a thing that while not drinking 'makes us' at the very least want to drink or becomes the 'reason' a slip happens and use it to pull the balancing act into a state of wanting to be sober more than drinking.

not drinking---trigger----bbq friends and family drinking
not drinking-----trigger---boredom
not drinking-----trigger---what our children will think and see if we were to drink
not drinking----trigger ----being healthier, a chance to be happier
I guess its really just a versio of the pro/con list, cost analysis scheme, just with a nice mindgame thrown in.

walkbeformakrun

Quote:

Originally Posted by dwtbd

I think mindset is the most important factor in quitting. If you can acquire that the rest is in keeping it. Sober time goes a long way to helping stay the resolve.
Maybe some relatively benign mind games , or perspective twists can help with getting the proper mindset to help actualize the nondrinker within.
Alot of attention is given to triggers, identifying the things or situations that get the AV all fired up and noisy. Lots of talk of how to avoid them and what to do when we seen one coming, talk that sometimes I think gives them more power or importance than they deserve, but almost another topic in itself
Anyway my dumbass thought/ramble was would there be any benefit or result to pointedly identifying and focusing on what triggers us to want to be sober?
Kind of take the idea of a trigger, a thing that while not drinking 'makes us' at the very least want to drink or becomes the 'reason' a slip happens and use it to pull the balancing act into a state of wanting to be sober more than drinking.

not drinking---trigger----bbq friends and family drinking
not drinking-----trigger---boredom
not drinking-----trigger---what our children will think and see if we were to drink
not drinking----trigger ----being healthier, a chance to be happier
I guess its really just a versio of the pro/con list, cost analysis scheme, just with a nice mindgame thrown in.

Very interesting dwtbd. I like the idea of an opposite trigger.

Hangover memories - trigger to be sober

Seeing others making fools of themselves drunk - trigger to be sober

having energy to put my kids to bed right and well - trigger to stay sober


Anyone else think of some???

ScottFromWI

Being awake was the only "trigger" I needed to drink. After many years of failed moderation attempts the only possible solution for me was to accept the fact that I cannot ( and never will be able ) to drink responsibly/safely.

Certainly there are stressors in our life that might make us want to drink more than other times, but at the end of the day we are addicts and we need to identify other healthy ways to deal with stress and life itself. Drinking is never an option.

We also have to many times change the way that we "have fun" and who we do it with. You mention that you were out with other couples and weren't having fun because you weren't drinking. Are you surprised? As difficult as it may seem, you may need to refrain from said activities until you develop healthy ways to be around situations like that. The drinking isn't the "fun" part...that's your addiction talking. Enjoying the people you are around and the activities you partake in is.

Yellow1111

You keep saying, "I didn't drink today b/c I took the pill." As if this magic pill is the reason you succeed. I think you are giving yourself far to little credit. Many an alcoholic chooses to NOT take something to stop the cycle. You, on the other hand, are making the choice, pill or not.

As for positive triggers? I know you're an avid runner and hockey player. How about, "my body feels so much better after X miles when I'm not abusing alcohol." Or, "It feels so good to be putting healthy food in my body and not worrying I'm causing damage to vital organs." And of course there's, "What a relief to know I'm setting a positive example for my children. "

amandaw

I missed a lot yesterday too because my in laws are here so I didn't have time to post. It was also my daughter's birthday yesterday. I also think you need to give yourself credit just for taking that pill especially since once you start taking it, it builds in your system and you can't just pick up where you left off. You know that by taking it, you need to stop taking it for days before you can drink without effects. Planning drinking days is something I've done since starting Antabuse. I know that by day 3 after stopping I can have a few. It's the taking it before I get to a "safe" day that I need to work on.

I can't imagine how difficult it is to be in a situation where you are around others that drink. My husband doesn't drink at all and we live far away from friends and family who do. We are going to a family function out of town next weekend that I'm feeling anxious about, but I've told them I'm an alcoholic and can't drink. I'm sure all eyes will be on me. Haha.

You didn't take the pill the other day. Fine. Take it today. I know how hard it is. Trust me. So far today my husband has forgotten to give me mine and he left the bottle on the counter yesterday. I keep staring at it with the desire to flush it, or even just hide it so I can plan a "day."

Problem is if I think it through, I know I'll end up wasted, may put my kids in danger, have a horrible hangover, and will want to drink the next day to "feel better." All this starts a cycle that could last for days, and could potentially hurt my family.

Give yourself credit for what you've done. You are taking positive steps in the right direction with what sounds like minimal support. I think you've expressed before that maybe you aren't 100% convinced you want to stop. I get that as well. I don't want to say I can never drink again. I want to be normal and social and fun. The thing is that it's stopped being fun - for everyone involved. It's a sick obsession that involves sneakiness and planning and lying.

I'm rambling. I'm obviously having trouble myself today. Good luck and try to get your mind on something else today. Anything.

walkbeformakrun

Several people have posted similar advice about not putting myself into situations where I am surrounded by people drinking. Good idea, Duh! I should have thought of that. I did not need to avoid those situations last time I quit bc I had been dry for a while and was not tempted. Now, early into sobriety, I should not assume I'm going to have the same reaction to being around drinkers as I did well into sobriety last time.

It is hard to avoid drinkers though. Very. They are everywhere. But point taken. I'm not going to purposely invite people over who are drinking or go to a diner party in the near future again.

walkbeformakrun

I have not posted on my own thread for a while. Was off the pill and on again a few times. One time I forgot for long enough and then drank. Another was planned around an event I wanted to drink at. Both times I ended up drinking more than just a day or two. Both times I felt good about my choice at first. Then, like, WTF am I doing!

Then I would go back to taking the pill but it does not work quickly. I'd keep drinking, even though I wanted to quit bad enough to take the pill. But I could not quit without the pill doing its thing. Finally, the pill would start working.

As soon as I feel any effect from the pill I quit drinking right away. Then I feel a mess for days. Like a truck ran over my brain and body. Huge anxiety, about real world problems, but off the charts anxiety. With a foggy brain from using. Huge cravings for drink to take away the pain.

I've been sober now for a while. Taking the pill every day. No hesitation. Every morning I take it and think, thank god I don't have to go down that hole again. Not anytime soon. I'm eager to take it. I love the feeling of it going down my throat as I visualize the sobriety this this act guaranties me. I relish the mental stability I feel, the knowing my horrible anxiety will not return, at least not to that degree. I love the feeling of clarity, the fog of drink gone. For now.

Then again I know there will be some special occasion soon that I will want to drink at. Enough that I could plan ahead and stop taking the pill for it. I don't think I will just drink by accident again. I've got my wife engaged enough now in this that she reminds me almost every day. So I don't think I'm in danger of forgetting to take it long enough to drink. But I could very well plan to do that. I have to admit.

Thoughts anyone?

Tooshabby

HI walk, here's a couple of thoughts :-) I know that urge of wanting to have the odd binge session, if that's what you mean. One thing I think is that any of the accidents I had while drinking, or any of the dozens that didn't happen but could have, could happen on any binge. It's not worth the risk for me.

If you are feeling that way or continue to you will probably drink - I don't think it's about the pill as much as your choice in the matter. But do you want to risk the consequences? Do you always drink too much when you do drink? I often do and I can't necessarily tell when that's going to happen.

Dee74

A pill would never have worked for me. I'd find a way around it.

I should know, but I read thousands of stories - what other ways have you tried to stay sober Walk? what are you doing besides talking the pill now?

D

walkbeformakrun

TooShabby - no, I don't always drink too much when I drink. In fact I usually don't drink a lot at any given time. I just drink for far too many hours in a row. Even moderate drinking, over long periods of time, tends to wear me down. So I guess that is too much. The fact I drink way too many hours in a row to the point that I get worn out by it. Yes, that does happen almost every time I drink.

Dee - I'm not doing a lot different. Working better. Spending more quality time with my family. Exercising more. Eating more (I need the calories to replace the beer calories.)

Dee74

I had to do a lot different to stay sober, Walk.

My whole life was about drinking. If thats kinda the case with you too, then maybe making some changes wouldn't be a bad idea?

D