jessie65

I know it just sounds like whining, but I'm so unhappy with life. I feel sometimes that my drinking has caused my depression, yet even when I stop (2-3 months at a time) I'm still so depressed.

I've seen a doctor, I've seen a therapist, nothing has helped me. The last doctor was just incompetent, left me feeling so cheated after working up all that courage to finally see somebody. I'm in another state (left my home town almost 10 years ago) and I've never found even one helpful soul here. There is none. I won't tell you where I am, but you can probably guess.

I'm told it could be worse... others have it worse of course...you have more than others... try to be more positive, practice gratitude, etc etc...

I'm in a failed marriage (Yes, failed, we haven't touched each other in over 2 years, he came out when my kids were babies). We tolerate each other.
I'm in a state I HATE.
We're running a business I Despise.
I'm alone 80% of the time, and even when I'm not alone, I AM.
I have no friends or family near (I left them 10 years ago to come here) My mom died when I was here. I didn't get to see her or go home.
Where do I find happiness? I love my kids but even my kids don't seem to like me anymore (teens).
I'm at a loss. I struggle every day just to put one foot in front of the other. Stopping the drinking only makes this mess clearer. I get more depressed, if that's possible?
I reach for the vodka when I can't take the sadness and loneliness anymore. I lived my first 40 years without alcohol, how can that be the Cause of my problems now?

ScottFromWI

Have you considered simply leaving Jessie? You have posted many times about how much you dislike your current situation. Perhaps starting completely anew in a different place? Maybe your kids could come with?

jessie65

My kids don't want to leave. They are the reason I stay in this situation. They are boys, very much dad's boys. We have too much together. I would have to get a lawyer and it would destroy life as they know it, so I stay.

FLCamper

I know one thing for sure: the Vodka is not going to help this situation. If that Dr. was incompetent, keep looking and find someone else. Don't give up. Keep trying.

jessie65

I want to keep trying, but there is such a stigma attached to mentally ill people. I'm embarrassed to ask for help, I feel ashamed to admit depression. The world we live in, I guess? Add alcoholism on top of that and I'm just a misfit.

Back home I found a wonderful doctor, and I still wish I accepted the help back then, but apparently I wasn't ready. I had just started drinking (6 months before), to try to cope with my life changing so dramatically, with a husband that wasn't who I thought, and literally dumping our life savings into his dream (my nightmare). I wish I stopped it all then.

ScottFromWI

You really only have 2 options....make the situation better, or change the situation. In either case, drinkng will make it worse.

Regarding mental health issues and stigma, I can personally tell you as a sufferer that treatment is a far superior option than worrying about what others think. Depression is a very treatable condition.

Ken33xx

Agree.

I enjoy feeling sorry for myself as much as the next person. However, I also understand at some point I need to take action.


Exactly.

Wastinglife

HI Jessie, I also suffer depression to go along with my alcoholism. I'm not sure which came first, but sobering up didn't clear my depression at all. I tried therapy, which is helpful, but years of alcohol abuse certainly has changed my brain chemistry. I recently started on antidepressant meds as a last resort and I feel the benefits already.

It seems that your current situation in life may be the cause of your depression. Who wouldn't be depressed in a loveless marriage?
Did I get that right about your husband "coming out", as in he is gay? If so, you really can't stay in that situation. You're sacrificing your happiness there.

Berrybean

Sorry to hear you're feeling low. I think it is a common problem in early sobriety, as we've lost our trusty shield that softened life's blows for us, and not yet formed a new armour from it all. Life continues to rain down its arrows on us while we, naked and vulnerable, don't know which part to offer up next. It's a painful time, and it's hard to think clearly while in that state. (I remember describing it as Washing Machine Head). It's not a good period to be making any major changes in our lives.

One of the things that helped me a lot was going along to AA and benefiting (initially) from other members advice and support, and them sharing their experience, strength and hope. (Hope is a powerful thing!) Later on I got a sponsor (who I call for advice quite regularly) and started working the 12-step program. One thing I noticed when I read the 12 Steps is that it's only the first one that even mentions alcohol. The other eleven are all about recovery, and dealing with life. Another bonus is that I get to spend time with some good sober friends who I met through AA (my partner still drinks heavily at weekends, so it can be a lonely time). I haven't tried any of the other programs (SMART or similar) so I can't speak for whether they have the same friendliness and sense of belonging, but others on here will be able to tell you.

You say you lived 40 years without alcohol. We all found alcohol at different times. For me it was young. For other ladies I'm met in AA, for many of them it was at later stages in their life that they used alcohol as a treatment for the painful condition: 'Life'. One I know was retirement age and was introduced to alcohol for the first time ever when she joined a bowls club in her 60's, and found it helped her relax, be more confident. This meant she could play better and could chat to people there more easily, so she started drinking before she went as well as while she was there. Then she started drinking more and more. Then, when her husband died she had free reign to drink as much as she liked and when she liked and everything really spiralled out of control. She is such a lovely lady and was quietly supportive to me when I started going to the group.

I hope you will find a way to start building your own armoury.

FeelingGreat

Hi Jessie, I don't know if you are taking medications for depression, but if you aren't please don't be a stoic; consider trying them with a sympathetic doctor who can change them around if they don't work first time. I've suffered from chronic mild depression most of my adult life and I live a normal productive life because I'm not wasting time trying to deal with awful feelings anymore. My doctor has told me (and I've read) that untreated depression can lead to permanent negative changes in the brain, so treat it as if you have diabetes.
I disagree that depression has a stigma; it may have in the past, but things have changed and people are more open now. If you need to make changes in your situation, you can function much better if the depression is controlled.
I didn't see much change in my depression when I gave up alcohol, but my self-esteem went up enormously, and that was a boost.
You say your husband has come out. I don't blame you for being shocked, but now it's not so raw, is it impossible for you to have a good relationship with him anyway? This happened to my sister, and when their boys were young they co-operated well and with very little resentment. Now the boys are adults they meet with good-will at family occasions.
Would your husband be sympathetic if you tell him how much you're struggling? You might be able to work something out together regarding the business.
In the meanwhile, please don't drink. It doesn't help, just sinks you further into depression and hopelessness.

Wholesome

I don't know if this is completely out of left field but how about taking a new lover? If your husband is batting for the other team would he really care? Sounds like all you guys are are co-parents and business partners and you both need more than that to feel fulfilled.

Soberwolf

Hi Jessie its a tough situation as you dont want to uproot the kids but what if you moved not so far away so you could have your own space ?

As for stigma attached to depression alcoholism i wouldnt focus on any of that ive been on anti depressants for around 3-4 months now & im in the beginning stages of therapy for depression & anxiety

I totally agree with Scott & remember you always have us to lean on