Fragile
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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Fragile
Hi, friends,
First off, for those that do not recognize me, my former name here is haennie. I changed it for... well, a few reasons. Not drinking/sobriety related.
I am writing this to seek support here and now as I am in a great deal of pain. My father passed away two days ago (nothing sudden, he and I had prepared for it for months and even years prior, can see in my thread history). I'm just on my way to go bury him on a different continent.
Professionally, I am an academic, leading projects and a team, supervising students etc. One of my students, a key member of the team, just broke down to me today about her own emotional turmoil. Of course I help and cover her, but it's hard. Also, we do research that is supported by and depends on grants from external funding agencies, and I need to write/submit a major proposal renewal for one of our grants in a month -- something I normally love to deal with, but my mind is just blank now. Of course my collaborators can and will help with the latter, but I just feel everything is closing on me right now.
As for sobriety, I'll be 18 months on the 25th this month, from alcohol. I'm very happy with that recovery process, but am feeling very fragile right now. Looking for encouraging words, I guess... or perhaps similar experiences, if any.
Thank you
First off, for those that do not recognize me, my former name here is haennie. I changed it for... well, a few reasons. Not drinking/sobriety related.
I am writing this to seek support here and now as I am in a great deal of pain. My father passed away two days ago (nothing sudden, he and I had prepared for it for months and even years prior, can see in my thread history). I'm just on my way to go bury him on a different continent.
Professionally, I am an academic, leading projects and a team, supervising students etc. One of my students, a key member of the team, just broke down to me today about her own emotional turmoil. Of course I help and cover her, but it's hard. Also, we do research that is supported by and depends on grants from external funding agencies, and I need to write/submit a major proposal renewal for one of our grants in a month -- something I normally love to deal with, but my mind is just blank now. Of course my collaborators can and will help with the latter, but I just feel everything is closing on me right now.
As for sobriety, I'll be 18 months on the 25th this month, from alcohol. I'm very happy with that recovery process, but am feeling very fragile right now. Looking for encouraging words, I guess... or perhaps similar experiences, if any.
Thank you
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,443
I'm sorry for your loss.
I've not lost my parents yet but I have buried a few friends and loved ones.
I think everything you're feeling now is pretty common. It's ok to prioritise and to focus on just a few things for now, I think.
D
I've not lost my parents yet but I have buried a few friends and loved ones.
I think everything you're feeling now is pretty common. It's ok to prioritise and to focus on just a few things for now, I think.
D
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Yeah, I agree. Let everyone know about your dad - including that student and your grant collaborators.
Just focus on the next thing as far as your dad and let everyone else be the adults that they are and handle their own stuff, you know? You have to take it a little easy right now.
*edit to say, I've lost all my family - but it was a while ago. You'll get through it, just take care of your needs like food and sleep.
Just focus on the next thing as far as your dad and let everyone else be the adults that they are and handle their own stuff, you know? You have to take it a little easy right now.
*edit to say, I've lost all my family - but it was a while ago. You'll get through it, just take care of your needs like food and sleep.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
Hi Aellyce 
I am sorry for your loss. It is very admirable that you are maintaining your sobriety through this difficult time and even helping others. We are here for you. 18 months is fantastic. I have read your posts, I think you are very strong and caring.
I am sorry for your loss. It is very admirable that you are maintaining your sobriety through this difficult time and even helping others. We are here for you. 18 months is fantastic. I have read your posts, I think you are very strong and caring.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
your going to confuse me by changing your name now your like a whole new person I'm going to try and remember this.
For starters I'm sorry for your loss. I dont know what its like to loose a parent. But I do know when i lost a loved one in the past I promptly got drunk right off the bat. So from my perspective the fact that you have stayed sober 2 days now since he passed is great!
I think your mind is going to be blank your going t be off on your game its ok you just lost your father its alright to not be yourself and take your time to grieve its more important then anything else right now.
Hang in there.
For starters I'm sorry for your loss. I dont know what its like to loose a parent. But I do know when i lost a loved one in the past I promptly got drunk right off the bat. So from my perspective the fact that you have stayed sober 2 days now since he passed is great!
I think your mind is going to be blank your going t be off on your game its ok you just lost your father its alright to not be yourself and take your time to grieve its more important then anything else right now.
Hang in there.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
zjw is right. On blanking out... I never had close family, but a few years back when my only close relative passed- I was literally like the walking dead for a good 3 months, I barely recall it and I only slept every 24 to 48 hours. I was in a state of shock and loss. So all things considered you are doing impressively well. Don't over extend yourself, do what you need to do for you.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: OZ
Posts: 2,055
I am so sorry about your loss...
I lost my Mum 12 months ago, I miss her everyday.
I was about 9 months sober at the time..for me being straight and sober was good when dealing with such a multi layered loss...it some how reconciled it quicker and did not prolong the understanding or lack of understand of losing someone that is precious to me.
It sound like you have a lot on at the moment, please take care of yourself..take what you need to gather or lose yourself...
Allow yourself to grieve because it happens anyway one way or another. You are in my thoughts...
P.s I like the new name,.
I lost my Mum 12 months ago, I miss her everyday.
I was about 9 months sober at the time..for me being straight and sober was good when dealing with such a multi layered loss...it some how reconciled it quicker and did not prolong the understanding or lack of understand of losing someone that is precious to me.
It sound like you have a lot on at the moment, please take care of yourself..take what you need to gather or lose yourself...
Allow yourself to grieve because it happens anyway one way or another. You are in my thoughts...
P.s I like the new name,.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
This might sound disturbing to some; if so, I am sorry.
I think in some ways I became a bad alcoholic drinker on the day when my mom passed... > 7 years ago. I was already drinking badly for a couple years prior, no doubt, and I think I carried it in me from the earliest days. Anyhow, what happened... I was just developing a romantic relationship with someone at the time, something that was, I must say, consuming and addictive from the beginning, even before that day. Around 32 years of age.
So what happened: it was our set first date in private. With the guy that seemed like the love of my life, and vice versa. What happened on that day was that I woke up in a great anticipation. I even prepared for it for many days prior; you know a 32 yo woman, hair and nails and everything, dressed up nice, greatest music on my laptop... and yet it was totally natural and effortless.
At ~ the moment when I enter my workplace that morning, where the man^ (now my far ex) also worked, I get the phone call. From my dad, that my mom died the night before. I email my (new?) friend immediately, and he says I should go home straight away. I said no. Won't go anywhere, and won't cancel our rendezvous either, that I wanted to meet. He said, okay. So we met the way we had planned, on that same day. In a hotel room. It was an experience that I had felt was the best day of my life or something at the time, and the beginning of a long relationship with... well, another alcoholic dreamer academic.
It was only until my recent psychotherapy work, where I saw clearly how that day was the biggest traumatic experience of my life. Regardless of what I associated to it in the moment, and also how it related to other things I experienced earlier in life.
Anyhow, no intention to repeat it now
I think in some ways I became a bad alcoholic drinker on the day when my mom passed... > 7 years ago. I was already drinking badly for a couple years prior, no doubt, and I think I carried it in me from the earliest days. Anyhow, what happened... I was just developing a romantic relationship with someone at the time, something that was, I must say, consuming and addictive from the beginning, even before that day. Around 32 years of age.
So what happened: it was our set first date in private. With the guy that seemed like the love of my life, and vice versa. What happened on that day was that I woke up in a great anticipation. I even prepared for it for many days prior; you know a 32 yo woman, hair and nails and everything, dressed up nice, greatest music on my laptop... and yet it was totally natural and effortless.
At ~ the moment when I enter my workplace that morning, where the man^ (now my far ex) also worked, I get the phone call. From my dad, that my mom died the night before. I email my (new?) friend immediately, and he says I should go home straight away. I said no. Won't go anywhere, and won't cancel our rendezvous either, that I wanted to meet. He said, okay. So we met the way we had planned, on that same day. In a hotel room. It was an experience that I had felt was the best day of my life or something at the time, and the beginning of a long relationship with... well, another alcoholic dreamer academic.
It was only until my recent psychotherapy work, where I saw clearly how that day was the biggest traumatic experience of my life. Regardless of what I associated to it in the moment, and also how it related to other things I experienced earlier in life.
Anyhow, no intention to repeat it now
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
Originally Posted by Aellyce 
This might sound disturbing to some; if so, I am sorry.
I think in some ways I became a bad alcoholic drinker on the day when my mom passed... > 7 years ago. I was already drinking badly for a couple years prior, no doubt, and I think I carried it in me from the earliest days. Anyhow, what happened... I was just developing a romantic relationship with someone at the time, something that was, I must say, consuming and addictive from the beginning, even before that day. Around 32 years of age.
So what happened: it was our set first date in private. With the guy that seemed like the love of my life, and vice versa. What happened on that day was that I woke up in a great anticipation. I even prepared for it for many days prior; you know a 32 yo woman, hair and nails and everything, dressed up nice, greatest music on my laptop... and yet it was totally natural and effortless.
At ~ the moment when I enter my workplace that morning, where the man^ (now my far ex) also worked, I get the phone call. From my dad, that my mom died the night before. I email my (new?) friend immediately, and he says I should go home straight away. I said no. Won't go anywhere, and won't cancel our rendezvous either, that I wanted to meet. He said, okay. So we met the way we had planned, on that same day. In a hotel room. It was an experience that I had felt was the best day of my life or something at the time, and the beginning of a long relationship with... well, another alcoholic dreamer academic.
It was only until my recent psychotherapy work, where I saw clearly how that day was the biggest traumatic experience of my life. Regardless of what I associated to it in the moment, and also how it related to other things I experienced earlier in life.
Anyhow, no intention to repeat it now
I think in some ways I became a bad alcoholic drinker on the day when my mom passed... > 7 years ago. I was already drinking badly for a couple years prior, no doubt, and I think I carried it in me from the earliest days. Anyhow, what happened... I was just developing a romantic relationship with someone at the time, something that was, I must say, consuming and addictive from the beginning, even before that day. Around 32 years of age.
So what happened: it was our set first date in private. With the guy that seemed like the love of my life, and vice versa. What happened on that day was that I woke up in a great anticipation. I even prepared for it for many days prior; you know a 32 yo woman, hair and nails and everything, dressed up nice, greatest music on my laptop... and yet it was totally natural and effortless.
At ~ the moment when I enter my workplace that morning, where the man^ (now my far ex) also worked, I get the phone call. From my dad, that my mom died the night before. I email my (new?) friend immediately, and he says I should go home straight away. I said no. Won't go anywhere, and won't cancel our rendezvous either, that I wanted to meet. He said, okay. So we met the way we had planned, on that same day. In a hotel room. It was an experience that I had felt was the best day of my life or something at the time, and the beginning of a long relationship with... well, another alcoholic dreamer academic.
It was only until my recent psychotherapy work, where I saw clearly how that day was the biggest traumatic experience of my life. Regardless of what I associated to it in the moment, and also how it related to other things I experienced earlier in life.
Anyhow, no intention to repeat it now
I can relate one of the biggest lessons i've had to learn and am still learning since I sobered up is to not bite off more the i can chew wheather its good or bad or what have you. I find i'm better off taking things slow allowing things to be and to come about in there own time frame there is no need to rush stuff. Going with the flow etc..
Sounds like you tried to jam pack too much into one day so you didnt have to miss out on something I'm SOOOOOOOOOOO guilty of the same sort of thing.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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What I think happens to me, in me..., "diagnosed" as a neurobiologist and what I know about myself... is that my brain tends to get the most intense dopamine boost from human relationships. Eating disorder, alcohol, psychedelics... all these were far easier for me to quit compared with these... relationships. I would love to say it's just co-dependency, but I don't think so. What comes to mind, honestly, are the feelings in my childhood: that perhaps I was born to the wrong planet. My problem is, I don't want to leave this "planet" now. Can anyone relate? This is not about my dad's death.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: OZ
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( ((Aellyce))) I was reading again your initial post about your Dad...When are you leaving and is there someone helping you with the arrangements?. Sorry if I sound nosy, I am just wondering if you will have some help! ( I found the preparation for my Mums funeral a kind of surreal experience.)
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I have guilt and performance expectation issues. And I know I do have to deal with both. But the reality is, I will have to be there the day after tomorrow. At my father's funeral. Nothing more dramatic, just the fact that the ashes of a man (a man I loved, btw) will go down into the earth. Next to my mother, same grave as he wanted. I arranged the funeral for my own sake, based on what we agreed with my dad, that I did not want to keep his ashes long.
It's still unreal, friends. I am at the airport now... still feels totally unreal. You know, last thing dad and I discussed on the phone, after his illness, was my potentially getting into a school... and when I told him what sort of school, he said "yes I could see you do that, I see why you would would do that, and imagine you brilliant at it". We chat about politics (as usual) a little after that, and next news was about his death.
I think I will go forward with that new "school". But first I need to bury him. In practical ways.
It's still unreal, friends. I am at the airport now... still feels totally unreal. You know, last thing dad and I discussed on the phone, after his illness, was my potentially getting into a school... and when I told him what sort of school, he said "yes I could see you do that, I see why you would would do that, and imagine you brilliant at it". We chat about politics (as usual) a little after that, and next news was about his death.
I think I will go forward with that new "school". But first I need to bury him. In practical ways.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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Hey Aellyce/Haennie - One thing I have noticed in your postings is that you really retreat into your intellect when things are hard. It's as though experiencing feelings (not talking about them) is so very painful, you must analyze and intellectualize. I totally get that. I am glad you are here posting about it because you are getting feedback on a level that you need. I wish I had known about SR when my mom died. I would have lived on this thing! For those of us who cannot process emotions well, SR provides a great outlet.
Take care of yourself OK??
Take care of yourself OK??
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Posts: 10,912
Hi ArtFriend, You noticed?!
OK
Well then you can probably imagine how hard and intensely my therapist is trying to pull me out of this. Bless his heart. And all the $ going into it. Hard challenge for both of us.
Thanks for the comment, btw
OK
Well then you can probably imagine how hard and intensely my therapist is trying to pull me out of this. Bless his heart. And all the $ going into it. Hard challenge for both of us.
Thanks for the comment, btw
pray for strength
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: New England
Posts: 2,414
Dear Aellyce. Gentle hugs and strength your way. What a surreal experience it must be for you. I can only imagine. Please be sure to eat despite the intense mental and emotional occupation. A cheese sandwich and chocolate cup cookies come to mind. Please allow yourself permission to rest and disengage from your surroundings and those within.
Check in often. We will all help to keep your feet firmly planted on the ground. Safe and comfortable travels.
Check in often. We will all help to keep your feet firmly planted on the ground. Safe and comfortable travels.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
Aellyce,
(you have a thing about the 'ae' combo?)
no matter how prepared, we can't be prepared for how it actually IS after the person is really dead.
trauma likely isn't too strong a word.
and i found structure and routines a real anchor, because soooo much was/felt unstructured in the days following death. it felt like a kind of chaos at the time.
your expectations of yourself might be unrealistic. or not.
do you have some f2f support, somewhere to cry if/when you need to? somewhere to rail if you need to?
(you have a thing about the 'ae' combo?)
no matter how prepared, we can't be prepared for how it actually IS after the person is really dead.
trauma likely isn't too strong a word.
and i found structure and routines a real anchor, because soooo much was/felt unstructured in the days following death. it felt like a kind of chaos at the time.
your expectations of yourself might be unrealistic. or not.
do you have some f2f support, somewhere to cry if/when you need to? somewhere to rail if you need to?
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,860
Hi, Aellyce,
My thoughts have been with you since reading about your loss.
There are, I think, different kinds of deaths. Some are utterly unfair -- the driver who is hit by a careless motorist, for instance, or the child stricken with incurable illness. Others, like my father's, come out of nowhere, clobbering those left behind. I just had Mom with me for the weekend -- she said she still cannot believe Dad is gone. I get that. Then there are the deaths for which people are prepared -- perhaps even welcome it -- because life infirmity of mind and body have been visited upon them.
No matter what kind of death, I think it's helpful to ask ourselves questions: What did the person who died take with him or her? What did the person who died leave behind?
That, I believe, provides the foundation for us to adapt to life without the people we loved -- and continue to love in their absence. When there is a peacefulness about choices made and a love that runs deep -- as I am convinced there was between you and your father -- I think it gives us the ability to make the transition from the sharp pain of loss to the changed life without them. When love endures after death, it buttresses our lives.
You've shared a great deal about your experiences as your father's health declined. However difficult the last few months have been for him, I think he took with him a sense that his life had been lived as well as he could live it. And, in fact, there were exceptional attributes to it. I think that's one of the reasons he pulled up so many of his plants. His work was done. He took that with him.
Aellyce, your father loved you unconditionally. Had you stayed nearby in your country of origin, married young and chosen motherhood over other options, he would have loved you -- and taken comfort in your choices as long as you were being true to yourself. In choosing a life of research and pursuing the chance to explore new places, you were true to yourself. I've gotten the impression that such integrity mattered in his own life and that he placed a premium on it as he watched you grow and spread your wings. He took comfort in you being you.
I feel pain when I read passages on SR from fellow journeyers whose lives denied, or continue to deny them, the complete circle that it has given others. Your father took with him a steadfast awareness that he cultivated many things in his life, none as important as the daughter who loved him truly and honestly.
He left behind a daughter who is going to persevere. And continue growing and exploring as the sharp pain of loss transitions to the new place in life you'll inhabit. It's a different place. But love lives. It is something he left behind; the love is yours and yours alone.
Grief is imprecise. There's no "Dummy's Guide to How to Accept Loss" -- or if there is, there shouldn't be because it is complex. You're a complex person so I cannot tell you what it should look like for you, or how to feel. I'm not even sure I fully go along with the whole "seven stages" concept. At least I have not found it applicable. My own grief? I don't know if it has been healthy or not. As I shared when I wrote about burying Dad's ashes, I've not yet had the "big cry," let alone the other trappings that are supposed to accompany bereavement. I know that it is somehow related to my alcoholism -- and probably my recovery -- but I also know that non-addicts don't have a lock on the right way to grieve.
There are times I feel terribly alone; that will happen to you, too, I'm guessing. The earthly ties are gone. I only know I can take comfort in being a much-loved daughter who always carries with her a much-loved father.
Reach for that comfort as the days turn to weeks and the weeks turn to months. As another daughter whose father is gone, that much I can tell you.
Reach for us, too. We're here, Aellyce.
Your friend,
Venecia
My thoughts have been with you since reading about your loss.
There are, I think, different kinds of deaths. Some are utterly unfair -- the driver who is hit by a careless motorist, for instance, or the child stricken with incurable illness. Others, like my father's, come out of nowhere, clobbering those left behind. I just had Mom with me for the weekend -- she said she still cannot believe Dad is gone. I get that. Then there are the deaths for which people are prepared -- perhaps even welcome it -- because life infirmity of mind and body have been visited upon them.
No matter what kind of death, I think it's helpful to ask ourselves questions: What did the person who died take with him or her? What did the person who died leave behind?
That, I believe, provides the foundation for us to adapt to life without the people we loved -- and continue to love in their absence. When there is a peacefulness about choices made and a love that runs deep -- as I am convinced there was between you and your father -- I think it gives us the ability to make the transition from the sharp pain of loss to the changed life without them. When love endures after death, it buttresses our lives.
You've shared a great deal about your experiences as your father's health declined. However difficult the last few months have been for him, I think he took with him a sense that his life had been lived as well as he could live it. And, in fact, there were exceptional attributes to it. I think that's one of the reasons he pulled up so many of his plants. His work was done. He took that with him.
Aellyce, your father loved you unconditionally. Had you stayed nearby in your country of origin, married young and chosen motherhood over other options, he would have loved you -- and taken comfort in your choices as long as you were being true to yourself. In choosing a life of research and pursuing the chance to explore new places, you were true to yourself. I've gotten the impression that such integrity mattered in his own life and that he placed a premium on it as he watched you grow and spread your wings. He took comfort in you being you.
I feel pain when I read passages on SR from fellow journeyers whose lives denied, or continue to deny them, the complete circle that it has given others. Your father took with him a steadfast awareness that he cultivated many things in his life, none as important as the daughter who loved him truly and honestly.
He left behind a daughter who is going to persevere. And continue growing and exploring as the sharp pain of loss transitions to the new place in life you'll inhabit. It's a different place. But love lives. It is something he left behind; the love is yours and yours alone.
Grief is imprecise. There's no "Dummy's Guide to How to Accept Loss" -- or if there is, there shouldn't be because it is complex. You're a complex person so I cannot tell you what it should look like for you, or how to feel. I'm not even sure I fully go along with the whole "seven stages" concept. At least I have not found it applicable. My own grief? I don't know if it has been healthy or not. As I shared when I wrote about burying Dad's ashes, I've not yet had the "big cry," let alone the other trappings that are supposed to accompany bereavement. I know that it is somehow related to my alcoholism -- and probably my recovery -- but I also know that non-addicts don't have a lock on the right way to grieve.
There are times I feel terribly alone; that will happen to you, too, I'm guessing. The earthly ties are gone. I only know I can take comfort in being a much-loved daughter who always carries with her a much-loved father.
Reach for that comfort as the days turn to weeks and the weeks turn to months. As another daughter whose father is gone, that much I can tell you.
Reach for us, too. We're here, Aellyce.
Your friend,
Venecia
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Originally Posted by Aellyce
. What comes to mind, honestly, are the feelings in my childhood: that perhaps I was born to the wrong planet. My problem is, I don't want to leave this "planet" now. Can anyone relate? This is not about my dad's death.
I don't know where you were born to, but this planet can sustain your life. If you let it.
Like you I have a tendency to try to "figure out" my own feelings. But I've really cut down on a lot of "figuring out". It just doesn't help me. My mother died when I had 80 days & I didn't have much choice but to ride out the sadness or the guilt or the lack of feeling or whatever came. There's no right or wrong way to feel about the death of a parent. It doesn't make sense. It just happens, like water flows under a bridge.
Like childbirth. No one remembers how it *really* feels.
There are wrong things to *do*. Don't drink, don't do anything to harm yourself or anyone else, and if you need to act out in any way, don't take any hostages.
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