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Old 07-26-2015, 08:03 AM
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So sorry.
Hang in there.
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Old 07-26-2015, 08:10 AM
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Thanks, everyone. Sometimes I think I am plain insane. At least I definitely don't have problems talking about it.

davaidavai, I watched Season 1 of True Detective not long ago and definitely enjoyed it. Have not seen any of Season 2 but I did read the more negative critique about it.
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Old 07-26-2015, 08:19 AM
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You're not insane.

You do have a magnificent mind and a drive to approach life intensely in your quest to learn, wonderful traits but ones I don't think permit you much "chill" time.

What do you do to relax, Aellyce? What are the activities that nurture your soul?

I'm a little more attuned to that since I began taking a tai chi class in May. Our teacher reminds us that we are programmed to think rather than being aware. That's a tough one for me. But I think it is helping me with life. On a practical note, I seem to have made great strides in my fight against insomnia -- a lifelong issue, one that preceded alcoholism.

Thinking of you, friend. I had a get-together yesterday with some of the "girls" from high school, including a couple I'd not seen in a long time. It was the first time in quite a while I'd received condolences for Dad's death in May of last year. It felt good for someone to acknowledge it, to acknowledge an event that has caused me pain.
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Old 07-26-2015, 09:33 AM
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Thanks Venecia. Yes the intensity... I definitely have hard time relaxing mentally and have always had. I have known about myself for a long time that a key issue if I want to live a satisfying life is that I need to learn how to channel my mental energies and relax without drugs, alcohol, and other compulsions.

What I do for relaxing: well I have been into meditation for over 10 years and finally in sobriety I have learned to do it regularly. Have been slacking lately a lot though, I should definitely go back into my practice, it really helps if I am consistent with it. I took up yoga when I got sober and now know enough that I can also do it at home. I exercise 2-3x a week (go to a gym or run outside) and walk a lot -- these are extremely helpful with my anxiety. I also like hiking when I'm in appropriate environment. Unfortunately I have been neglecting most of these things recently and I believe some of the instability is due to this.

I also did tai chi in the past, with my ex who was really into it. It is indeed great for mindfulness training and more than that of course. Maybe I should start taking some classes again. Many people also recommended to me getting into some form of martial arts and I definitely get why they see me doing something like that, but has not happened so far. I mean I have not done it, of course it won't just happen.

Other than these, what I like to do best in my free time is reading, going to museums and looking at art, taking classes in all sorts of things -- these are more activities that stimulate my mental activity though.

My therapist often brings up in all sorts of contexts that being in a romantic relationship (something stable and committed) might do wonders for me in terms of mental balance, and I agree with this since in my experience some of the best times in my life were definitely when I was in good relationships with a lot of depth and substance, I'm definitely not one who is afraid of intimacy and it's indeed very good for my well-being in many ways. I do have a few close friends but that's not the same. I definitely think that I spend too much time alone and typically have no problem with it but I am also not a nun type of person and usually really thrive in good relationships (all kinds).

I also want to get cats later in the fall, I think that would be a great way for me to turn my attention outward and experience positive feelings.

Hmm actually writing this post has been quite helpful as I can clearly see what areas need attention and improvement. Thanks guys!
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Old 07-28-2015, 03:53 PM
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Update again

I am still so sad, guys. It's off and on, and sometimes when the environment or even much more subtle cues remind me of my dad and the whole galactic complex of our relationship (analyzing this in therapy), all my strength and resourcefulness hits the "nihil" button. I am very familiar with feeling this, and yet it's so hard to experience it again.

Doing okay in practical departments though: just submitted the grant application that was on my neck, things go quite well with my (current) difficult student, I've spent most of the day revising a research paper, and now I will go out to walk and then want to do some yoga in the evening with some relaxing music.

I also had a very intense therapy session today. The attached video was selected to kind of transmit that feeling... And this is what can't leave my mind. But for now, out to walk

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Old 07-28-2015, 04:03 PM
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Thinking of you, Aellyce.

You do have magnificent museums in NYC and it makes me happy to think of you visiting them. I have fond memories of visits to a few, notably the Met. We have good ones here, too, and I've found it soothing to visit them.

I also know what you mean about a relationship. Not a nun here, either, though my life feels like it sometimes. Sigh.

The sadness doesn't really go away, I'm afraid. It's just that it starts to feel different.

My thoughts are with you, Aellyce. Big hugs.
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Old 07-28-2015, 04:32 PM
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Thanks, Venecia. I truly appreciate everything you feel and do for me, to make me more comfortable.

The reference to the video I linked and the therapy session though... I had a relapse for the eating disorder thing last weekend. An ugly binge-purge episode I have not had for 15 years. THIS IS NOT GOOD. Why, well on its own... but also because my eating disorder gave rise to my alcoholism in the past. I think I really need to shield, armor, or whatever way protect myself or act, from this chain going further.

What do you guys and gals recommend?
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Old 07-28-2015, 04:43 PM
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Staying close to SR for one thing Aellyce - and balance is so important I think - do something good for yourself too?

D
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Old 07-28-2015, 09:09 PM
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Hi, Aellyce,

I don't know much about the processes involved in your therapy, though the impression I get is that it's very analytical. I'm reluctant to ask you to discuss the details of your conversations with your therapist. You've made mention of therapy before but -- if I recall correctly -- not gone into specifics. And I think you're well within your privacy rights to keep those conversations between you and your therapist. In fact, I think that's healthy.

But I do wonder if the bingeing and purging of your past has been a topic of conversation. I ask because I'm thinking it is something that should be addressed sooner rather than later. Food is the opposite of alcohol. The nutrients serve our bodies and help energize us.

Anyway, those are just a few thoughts off the top of my mind.

Lately, I find myself wanting to create something. Do you ever feel that? I wish I was artistic or crafty. This is something I want to pursue as part of recovery -- and in dealing with Dad's death and Mom's frailty. (She was diagnosed with macular degeneration last week, though apparently it comes in two forms and hers is the less worrisome. On that same day, she was diagnosed with shingles. Sigh.) I enjoy photography greatly and am pretty decent at it. But I want something a little more prolonged. Maybe needlepoint ...

My tai chi instruction continues to be the source of comfort and growth. Tonight, it felt like some things were really clicking. At the end of this evening's class, our instructor read a passage from Rumi. I closed my eyes as he read. I came close to tears, something that's evaded me in the year-plus since Dad died. That, I hope, is some kind of progress for me. I think that I have built up defenses around myself -- something that's related to alcoholism, but to other parts of my life, including some isolation -- that are coming down as slowly as they went up. I wasn't always like this.

One of the reasons I bring up tai chi again is that I have found peacefulness in it that also seems to evade me. I do find that my mind benefits from the shift from knowing (thinking) to being aware.

It feels good, Aellyce.

Stay close. We're here.

You're among friends, Aellyce.
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Old 07-28-2015, 11:29 PM
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Hi Ael, bulimia precede my alcoholism too. But bulimia was also preceded by long list of other addictions and/or disordered behaviors. The traumatize brain search for relief never end. I think you on good path with therapy and exercise and any other endorphin producing activities you maybe incorporate. I sometime get gentle massage from lady who extremely nurturing and find that this kind of touch very balancing to brain.
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Old 07-29-2015, 12:10 AM
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Aellyce,

Damn. So sorry to hear about your dad's passing. I know it's been on your mind for a long time now - so you must be feeling a wave of emotion crashing over you after hovering for a while. I can't imagine your pain in losing your father, and again I'm so sorry to hear it. My sincere condolences, haennie.

I didn't read all the replies, but I think you've got some great ones. Take solace in the words of comfort you've found here, and anything that's not helpful can be left behind. The mere outpouring of support shows how much people here value your opinions, thoughts, and contributions here on SR. I think ArtFriend had a great insight in regards to "retreating into your intellect", which I found very on point. You're naturally searching for a pattern to latch on to, something to help this make sense. It's a completely normal human reaction, which is why you see so many turn to the Gods of their choice during moments like this. Since that kind of thing is not exactly your cup of tea (I'm guessing), you're trying to figure this out on paper. And yet...there's nothing to figure out. It's okay to be sad, confused, lost and depressed. And remember, you have permission to feel that way. Considering you have to fly abroad, make arrangements, etc...it might be helpful to try and compartmentalize your duties. You can take care of everything one step at a time, no need to overwhelm yourself by looking too far ahead right now. Again I am so sorry to hear the news. You'll get through it, we know you will. In the meantime, take care of yourself. All the best to you and your family during this difficult time.
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Old 07-29-2015, 01:15 PM
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Thanks very much, friends. Before I jump to the conclusion, I will react...

Venecia - yes of course I do feel the need to be creative and have felt this way in pretty much my entire life. And I think I lived up to it, I very much feel like my life has been a complex creative act, and I am the artist directing it. As for actual art work, I have done a lot of graphic art and some music. It's just that sometimes the inspiration comes from the wrong place, and I need to recognize that and adjust the "play" accordingly, like now.
Also, in answer to your question, I talk with my therapist about my eating disorder a lot, it's intertwined with many many things in my life, actually I think more than alcoholism per se (not to minimize the impact of alcoholism). As for it's being "analytical" -- well I think that's more or less just a description of the treatment modality that my therapist uses (and I like that method also even just on the theoretical level), but in the reality of it it's very much about emotional communication, and it's far from one-way the way we do it at least. So yeah, talking about the BP is nothing unusual, we did talk about it a lot yesterday also, but ultimately it's all about my behavior and actions outside of the therapy office, including the decisions how I act on my impulses and desires of course.

Cow - quite interesting... for me, anorexia/bulimia was the first clear manifestation of my addiction-like issues (starting at ~age 10), but of course thinking about it more deeply, I have definitely had control problems even before. Before I even remembered, I am finding recently.

BigS - thanks a lot, my friend... you know what I was thinking reading this post? That I do often tend to project things on people and imagine similarities, but the similarities between you and I in terms of how we manage our lives and how we live it are not imagined, I don't think so. Yes I will get through this, and I am very vigilant about what I did last weekend and where it could potentially lead, no way I want to get there. It was already a bad enough decision, no more similar ones will leave this head of mine
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