Fragile
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
What you said about getting a boost from human relationships I can 100 percent relate to. Unfortunately I have a learning disorder that prevented me from getting what I needed as a kid and as an adult had me in bad relationships. Even still I like communicating with others best and learn the most that way. And I really think it affects my brain chemistry as you said, too. But the LD sort of keeps people away.
And also born to the wrong planet
Not that you are LD obviously.
And also born to the wrong planet
Not that you are LD obviously.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Aellyce, I lost my Dad last year. Like you, I had prepared for it, we all knew it was going to happen. At the time I handled it well...I went straight back to work even before he was buried, and supported my Mum the best I could whilst juggling a full time professional career.
I'm not saying this will happen to you, but I buried grief behind my work. It's sort of what I do. I thought I was being strong but in fact I was just dissociating from life. Looking back, I can barely remember the latter 3 months of last year. I know I excelled at work, went for a promotion in another school, got it. Passed the tough interview stage with flying colours. But inside I was dead. I couldn't relate to people on any sort of warm human level. People who loved me saw the changes in me, but I had no emotion.
At Christmas I relapsed, threw away over 2 and a half years of sobriety, and it wasn't easy climbing back out of that pit again.
Please be careful. Look after yourself, eat well. Take plenty of rest. Let others love and look after you. ❤️
I'm not saying this will happen to you, but I buried grief behind my work. It's sort of what I do. I thought I was being strong but in fact I was just dissociating from life. Looking back, I can barely remember the latter 3 months of last year. I know I excelled at work, went for a promotion in another school, got it. Passed the tough interview stage with flying colours. But inside I was dead. I couldn't relate to people on any sort of warm human level. People who loved me saw the changes in me, but I had no emotion.
At Christmas I relapsed, threw away over 2 and a half years of sobriety, and it wasn't easy climbing back out of that pit again.
Please be careful. Look after yourself, eat well. Take plenty of rest. Let others love and look after you. ❤️
Woe is Moo.
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Originally Posted by Aellyce 
What comes to mind, honestly, are the feelings in my childhood: that perhaps I was born to the wrong planet. My problem is, I don't want to leave this "planet" now. Can anyone relate?.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Hi Aellyce. (I feel like I'm addressing a different person when I type that.)
As others have commented, what you're going through is perfectly natural. It's good that you're using SR for support since support is among the most important factors in working through grief and mourning.
I've lost several people in my life...my father, my best friend and other friends. Teachers, mentors, colleagues, relatives. It never gets easier.
A lot of good people here care about you and want to see you safe and sound. If you don't want to be, you'll never be alone in this, even though each of us is ultimately alone following the death of a loved one. Support is not about taking away your sense of loss, but in being present with you while you're going through it, to acknowledge the extent of your loss and to bear witness to your suffering.
Stay together. Alone and together.
As others have commented, what you're going through is perfectly natural. It's good that you're using SR for support since support is among the most important factors in working through grief and mourning.
I've lost several people in my life...my father, my best friend and other friends. Teachers, mentors, colleagues, relatives. It never gets easier.
A lot of good people here care about you and want to see you safe and sound. If you don't want to be, you'll never be alone in this, even though each of us is ultimately alone following the death of a loved one. Support is not about taking away your sense of loss, but in being present with you while you're going through it, to acknowledge the extent of your loss and to bear witness to your suffering.
Stay together. Alone and together.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
What comes to mind, honestly, are the feelings in my childhood: that perhaps I was born to the wrong planet. My problem is, I don't want to leave this "planet" now. Can anyone relate?
But here i sit chained to a computer each day becuase i'm a programmer huh?
yep.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Thanks so much, everyone. Once again I am overwhelmed by the quality of support here on SR, in a good way. So many great suggestions and comments that are quite deep. I would love to respond with similar depth and to everyone individually, but no energy right now... probably better if I don't push my limits at the moment.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
"...my brain tends to get the most intense dopamine boost from human relationships...."
Yep. I relate to this - and am sure that many others do also. Wasn't there a song about 'Love is a drug' (Roxy Music) as well? I think that most of us have more than one addiction. The 'Ism' is our problem (feeling seperate; different; not fitting in) and we find things that make us feel better (which are harmless in a normie) and take them to the extreme where they become damaging to us. My poisons are alcohol; 'relationships'; and shopping for clothes and shoes etc.
With each there is the same 'f**k it switch followed by the anticipatory buzz where I feel almost dizzy and shaky; doing whatever I'm doing creating a short lived euphoria; followed by intense guilt and shame.
One easily leads to the other as well, and complete abstinence is only really possible for a couple of them, so there are some danger zones for me to reckon with. The other one I try to manage by not doing in secret. Online shopping is dangerous as a legitimate purchase can lead to a binge shop and e-bay is my biggest downfall. I tend to go to places where returns aren't possible when I'm in that frame of mind unfortunately. I lost the last home owned by my partner and me through this and alcohol combined as things completely spiralled out of control.
When I work through my AA step work, I always keep in mind the alcohol and relationships, and consequently these are both pretty much under control now, as long as I keep working on them. The shopping is a work in progress, and not as much of an issue now that I am starting to learn other ways of dealing with life and don't feel as isolated as I have this site, AA, and some alcoholic/not drinking anymore friends who I met at AA and can meet for a chat and coffee separately to meetings when I know I'm feeling vulnerable / angry / lonely.
Good to see you back.
Yep. I relate to this - and am sure that many others do also. Wasn't there a song about 'Love is a drug' (Roxy Music) as well? I think that most of us have more than one addiction. The 'Ism' is our problem (feeling seperate; different; not fitting in) and we find things that make us feel better (which are harmless in a normie) and take them to the extreme where they become damaging to us. My poisons are alcohol; 'relationships'; and shopping for clothes and shoes etc.
With each there is the same 'f**k it switch followed by the anticipatory buzz where I feel almost dizzy and shaky; doing whatever I'm doing creating a short lived euphoria; followed by intense guilt and shame.
One easily leads to the other as well, and complete abstinence is only really possible for a couple of them, so there are some danger zones for me to reckon with. The other one I try to manage by not doing in secret. Online shopping is dangerous as a legitimate purchase can lead to a binge shop and e-bay is my biggest downfall. I tend to go to places where returns aren't possible when I'm in that frame of mind unfortunately. I lost the last home owned by my partner and me through this and alcohol combined as things completely spiralled out of control.
When I work through my AA step work, I always keep in mind the alcohol and relationships, and consequently these are both pretty much under control now, as long as I keep working on them. The shopping is a work in progress, and not as much of an issue now that I am starting to learn other ways of dealing with life and don't feel as isolated as I have this site, AA, and some alcoholic/not drinking anymore friends who I met at AA and can meet for a chat and coffee separately to meetings when I know I'm feeling vulnerable / angry / lonely.
Good to see you back.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Hello friends, thank you for thinking of me again. I still don't have the energy (and motivation) to share much more right now, will say just one thing: I'm confident that I won't drink over this or use any other dysfunctional "methods" for coping, exaggerated distraction etc. I am very intensely aware of my feelings, waves of impulses to interfere with them in some form, etc but right now I'm doing well simply just letting all this be and not acting out in any harmful or ignorant way. If anything, I feel that probably I have never been more conscious about the value of all the work I have done in the past ~1.5 year on myself and destroying any of that seems far more undesirable than any momentary impulse, craving, or whatever. I also don't want to drown this experience in any form, like work, other relationships, or wherever it does not belong -- much more determined to work through this whole thing in ways I've probably never done before with losses in my life. It'll probably become quite chaotic at later points, but now the initial shock being over, my mind seems surprisingly clear and focused even though the feelings are of course irrational. Probably part of it is a form of denial, but it does not feel that way to me right now, like I'm using defenses or have any desire to escape my reality and the consequences in any form. Of course unless it's something totally unconscious... but we don't really pick up a drink or do other crazy things unconsciously, do we. That happens when we are drunk already. Anyhow, I just wanted to write a bit about the part of the experience that is most relevant to this message board, there are of course a zillion other layers.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,109
I just want to say that I'm really sorry that you've lost your dad. He must of been a good man to make such a successful, kind, thoughtful daughter like you. Mourning and grief are such tough times and emotions..... it takes as long as it takes until you get through it. xx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Okay so I will update this now. We buried dad. It was a simple and very intimate ceremony -- what he told me repeatedly he wanted during his last couple years. It was actually interesting because before that, he kept fantasizing and telling me about a large funeral with a big crowd of people, that was more in line with how he liked to live at his prime, he had a large social life and loved to be surrounded by people who admired him and listened to him, in whatever form. But he changed a lot as his health and abilities declined, and it was reflected in his entire mental world that he shared with me in more recent times. Anyway, it was a few relatives from his lineage (people I have not kept in touch with since I left the country many years ago), a few of his neighbors that knew him well and also helped him more recently, and I invited a couple of his old friends that I had contact info for. That was it. His ashes were placed next to my mom's in their shared grave. It was all very peaceful and quiet.
I invited a couple of these relatives over to our place afterward for a bit, it wasn't anything special or deep or even very emotional, mostly just catching up a little. The neighbors are actually a pretty aggressive and intrusive bunch (I knew them from my childhood), wanted to force themselves on me and even asked a lot of personal questions about my life since I was ~16... well, not my style to just suddenly be that open with people who are technically strangers to me now. But they were nice, kind, and helped with some practical arrangements so I was grateful.
Other than these, now all that's left over is the property that will have to be sold. That will be a more complicated project from a distance, but I already had pre-arranged professionals for it that I only needed to contact now. Will meet with two of these tomorrow to now make practical decisions and organize what and how, and then back to NY on Saturday.
I'm still holding up well -- definitely very emotional but it's not like something brand new and unexpected that happened out of the blue, so my grief is not just starting now either. I've decided that I will most likely get into some form of group therapy thing for this as I think this is something that benefits a lot from f2f support; I like the idea of the group as I already have an individual therapist and I would not want to see anyone else in that sort of setting.
So, this is it, friends, for now. Not sure what else I could say.
I invited a couple of these relatives over to our place afterward for a bit, it wasn't anything special or deep or even very emotional, mostly just catching up a little. The neighbors are actually a pretty aggressive and intrusive bunch (I knew them from my childhood), wanted to force themselves on me and even asked a lot of personal questions about my life since I was ~16... well, not my style to just suddenly be that open with people who are technically strangers to me now. But they were nice, kind, and helped with some practical arrangements so I was grateful.
Other than these, now all that's left over is the property that will have to be sold. That will be a more complicated project from a distance, but I already had pre-arranged professionals for it that I only needed to contact now. Will meet with two of these tomorrow to now make practical decisions and organize what and how, and then back to NY on Saturday.
I'm still holding up well -- definitely very emotional but it's not like something brand new and unexpected that happened out of the blue, so my grief is not just starting now either. I've decided that I will most likely get into some form of group therapy thing for this as I think this is something that benefits a lot from f2f support; I like the idea of the group as I already have an individual therapist and I would not want to see anyone else in that sort of setting.
So, this is it, friends, for now. Not sure what else I could say.
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