alkie codependant
 

I am a self identified co-dependant now that I read up on it. So I told my boyfriend to look it up and he says he does not care.
I had my longest sober stretch when not working way back in December and January. But he was really helping me out with everything,
He says he wants me to quit drinking and does not mind helping me if I take a break from work. I am on kind of a break again but I was going to just get another job but it always leads to me drinking again, I was getting more sober time while not working til recently when I had a really low wage job and was working ten hour days, I drank all June. Real nice, I know.
So now I don't know what to do. Should I break up with him for his own good, should I take him up on his offer and just focus on not drinking or say goodbye and try to do it on my own?
I always have little side jobs and gigs but he buys groceries and has helped me out with the occasional dr. appointment.

So for you that dated an alcoholic co-dependant (which I did not understand what that was until I read on it- co means two I thought, so I guess I thought we relied on each other for something I did not realize it was just one person being needy).

What did you do?

I don't know what to do that's best for both of us besides quit drinking obviously.

Sorry, Sleepie, but all my codependent relationships were with active alcoholics./addicts and that definitely doesn't help.

I had to say goodbye to them, to find recovery, but you have the added thing about depending on him to support you financially and with not drinking.

I have no answers or suggestions, just know you can figure this out.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

sleepie, one thing to remember... you do not have to decide on anything today. Take your time and stay sober and things will fall into place.

one day at a time, sweetie.

oh, and Melody Beatties book, Codependent No More is fantastic. She is a recovered alcoholic herself, and talks all about codependency and how to take care of yourself. and how to find your joy :)

Ok. Is getting out of codependancy a thing a couple can do together and still be together? We really like each other.
And for some reason I am the one who says "This is a problem, and it's me"... what I have read a little so far is that codependants refuse to acknowledge what's going on and I am trying to convince him this is not good.

I hope I get more feedback on this it's very confusing. I really had no idea what codependancy is and it's very scary and knowing I am doing this to someone is shameful.

sleepie, codependency is as common as a hole in the sock.. do not feel shame over it ... shame is to blame for lots of our problems.
You might work on you, and let your beau do his own in his own time. Sometimes things get much better from just doing our own work.

spend some time just reading about it. you will find that shame must go! glad you are getting the books ,, you will LOVE them, I bet. :hug:

i think your reading into it too much. Take him for face value
"He says he wants me to quit drinking and does not mind helping me if I take a break from work."

So go with it. sieze the golden opportunity to work on your sobriety and you. He just wants you to be the best you you can be. If i had to guess when you stumble and fall he still supports you and wants to help you?

One thing i've learned its easier on the sobriety journey with help then without it.

I work from home but if i had to go into the office during the worst of it I dont htink i woulda retained employment for very long. Even now I dont think i'd be able to hold down an office corporate job I'm just a different person then I once was is all no biggie.

I wouldnt over think it. I'd just do what you gotta do to stay sober. It could be a while and if you want to go back to work but still feel unsteady I'd say pick something easy keep it simple and maybe even more simple then that.

for what its worth my wife barely worked when we dated and has really never had to have a job since we've been married either. Sure we struggle. But my point is there is no requirement that you have to work at some "job". a job can be a lot of htings it doesnt have to be punching a clock for some company.

"I don't know what to do that's best for both of us besides quit drinking obviously."

If you keep on doing things for anyone other than yourself, you're going to keep getting the same results.
So
What you do,the action, do it for YOU.

You have years of suggestions right here on this site on what to do. All you honestly need is to stop trying to find the easiest,softest way and the way you want and start using the suggestions that have worked for countless people on this site alone.

I'm a recovering alkie and Codie. Nothing, absolutely nothing would have worked if I didn't get into action and do it for me.

Some people never quit. I do try.
I don't mean to annoy people by being here so long and not being successful.

dont let it get to you. There are all types of opinions who respond to our threads some we like to hear some we dont some are on target some are way off base regardless for me anyhow I like to read the diffrent angles to help check myself etc.. but I had to learn early on to not let it get to me. In the end me and everyone else is here for support not WW3.

Hang in there. I think its good you keep coming back. In the end i felt as if i had no one I was all alone and i felt alone that first year in sobriety too. and along the way i've felt alone at various points. I felt as if i was just too much of a bother for anyone so many times. But I just keep getting up each day and taking another stab at life.

I personally am not annoyed. I won't allow that to happen. At one time? Yup, I sure woulda let myself get annoyed.
But then I got tired of the results I was getting and decided to change my actions and my thinking.
It's simple,sleepie. Whether your successful is all in your opinion. Doesn't matter what my opinion or anyone elses opinion of success is.
Do YOU feel you are not successful?
If not, then change what your doing.
That simple.

Well I have actually gotten stretches of sobriety this year which is so much more than I can say for years past. Also getting off benzos. With a tic disorder. It's no small feat. It really is a tall order and yes my version of better is still really bad compared to most but I have to hang onto the days and weeks I did not drink in order to believe that I can do it again.
And the tics have been out of control. I am getting repetitive stress pains from them. I can't even control them in public lately.
That person you see twitching on the bus, that you laugh inside or avert your eyes from?
That's me.

"That person you see twitching on the bus, that you laugh inside or avert your eyes from?"
The you refer to isn't me. And it isn't the majority of the population either. That is your opinion of what others are thinking. Others opinion of you isn't your problem or your concern just as others' opinion of success is t your concern.

What others think of me and their opinion of me is none of my business or my concern.

okey dokey.

You aren't "some people". You can quit if you want it enough.

Hi Sleepie, I am pretty sure I have the whole codependent thing going on, too.

But I feel like I need to focus on one thing at a time and for right now that is not drinking. Not drinking and finding myself and all that jazz. :cool2:

I figure getting one thing better will lead to getting the next thing better (or something like that!).

So, I don't have any words of wisdom for you but I feel your struggle. :hug:

Be careful with this kind of thinking. I do the same thing where I just assume people are thinking certain things about me or judging me some how or something. I started to realize this was just all "stuff" i was cooking up in my own mind. if it was true or not should have been irrelevant to me. I had to quit careing what people thought and quit careing what people /might/ think etc... I had enough of my own thoughts to contend with without trying to put some in other peoples heads too. But I know what your saying all too well!.

I think tomsteves point of it being simple isnt too far off.

If i told you its simple you might not agree. But the reality is it is. its so much easier to NOT do something then it is to do something. One actually takes action the other doesnt. Its way easier to not drink and not be bothered with it.

BUT I didnt get to that simple line of thinking over night. I had to get over my own "stuff" and that took some time. Then one day the light bulb went on.

I guess its easy for me to not drink anymore. But life on the other hand still has its ups and downs and struggles at times. Drinking however? its not really an issue anymore.

One thing I'm getting better at is not focusing on things that make me feel bad. I find if i pay no attention to that sorta stuff it doesnt drag me down for a fight. and if i pay attention to stuff that makes me feel good I can wonder around in a good mood and be nice and happy. Point is I had to pick what i wanted to focus my time and energy on thats not always so simple but when i focus on good stuff i feel good when i focus on bad stuff i feel crappy its that easy. Applying it tho? not always as easy.

Your learning new tricks is all it doesnt happen over night. New behavioral patterns forming new better habits etc.. it takes some time but you'll get there.

People.
I am talking very visible and audible tics here- jerking motions uncontrollable, and vocal stuff. Not swearing, that is a tiny percent of what the Tourette population.
When you have a disorder that is made fun of and ridiculed in film and tv it's difficult because it's acceptable to laugh at it. and It's humiliating.
And this disorder is mostly completely misrepresented.
It's not in my head ok?
I was on the train and a man was laughing and talking on the phone to his friend about me
THAT WAS REAL AND IT HURT.

You know, if I were obese or gay or some other thing, nobody would have a problem believing I am publicly humiliated from time to time.
This is invalidating and painful.
And taking me to a really bad place like straight back to my abusive fricking childhood trauma.