kiki26

This is so far the only thing besides pregnancy that has helped me stay sober. Over the last 7 years I am half sober half alcoholic. It's getting really ******* old. Especially now that I'm 30 have two kids and I know better. Pregnancy no problem I stop drinking, breastfeeding no problem I stop drinking. But each time I know someday soon I can start again. I've only been drinking two months now, and I'm back to sneaking, anxiety, and being a piece of ****. I keep it very controlled and it's killing me. All I want to do is get ****** up. I feel like something deep in me is just waiting to rage out. It's soooo much easier being pregnant when I just stop and it's taken off the table. Why can't I take it off the table all the time???

doggonecarl

Welcome back. Hope this can be the start of your sober journey.

You said it yourself: "I stop drinking. But each time I know someday soon I can start again."

You haven't taken drinking completely off the table. If you know someday that you will drink, you'll drink.

Why has it been so hard to let go of? Is your recovery plan address the root cause?

Dee74

Welcome back

I'm not sure what you've tried in the past Kiki but I guess the bottom line is what are you prepared to do now?

D

RDBplus3

Hello kiki,
The 1st chapter of the 12 & 12 makes this statement, that I finally realized was 100% true for me, "With glass in hand, we warped our body & minds into such a condition..."

That 'condition for me is being 'Alcoholic' . When I drink, it immediately sets up a craving for more, and I cannot always predict how much I will drink, the alcohol is in control, even if I am able to control it sometimes. Then, when I sober up, my mind obsesses for alcohol, and even if I resist, I eventually drink again, even if I tell myself, "only 1 this time", I am back in the never ending cycle of active Alcoholism.

If you are in that 'condition', it absolutely takes WORKING a COMMITTED program, diligently. I could not fix myself ... for me the only thing that worked was WORKING the 12 Steps of AA.

RDBplus3 ... now Happy, Joyous and FREE ... and I KNOW U can B 2

mcfearless

Nailed it.

I'm afraid this drinking thing for an alcoholic is all or nothing. There's no middle ground. I had to learn that after many, many failed attempts at balancing the two things. I've accepted that I am not wired to drink in moderation. As much as I love alcohol she's terrible to me. I've put all ideas of drinking out of my mind, and the minute I did this it's opened my eyes to all the other things there are to life without it. When you stop fixating on that narrow little aspect of life, you suddenly notice the stuff that was there in your peripherals.

The only situation in which I can imagine I will drink in the future is if things ever get so terrible for me that I give up on life and drink as a calculate attempt to commit gradual suicide. But at least I'll be sober should I ever make that decision.

Anyone who thinks their life is so terrible that they may as well continue drinking owes it to themselves to at least get a few months sober. For many the correlation between your life being awful and alcohol is in near perfect correlation. The removal of one almost entirely removes the other.