INgal

I'm so sorry, Brynn. My friend lost her sister to suicide many years ago. The toll it took on the family was devastating. My friend began volunteering at a suicide hotline and I think it saved her sanity. I realize you aren't ready for that but maybe down the road it may help. I hope you're having a much better day today.

ArtFriend

(((Brynn))) - So sorry about your big sis and your feelings about it now. I can relate in a way. My older sister was my hero is my chaotic family. She tried to protect me from all of the madness too. She was smart (Phd), beautiful (modeled) and very cool. But like your sister, she too became an addict and eventually homeless. As a result of her addiction, she contracted HIV. I felt (and still feel) huge guilt for not being able to help her. That weight can be unbearable at times. When she was killed I started my drinking "career" that I am now trying to recover from. I went years blotting out the pain of her loss. Yet I always thought that she would not want this for me. She would want me to be sober and healthy and moving on with my life. That helps me now when I feel her loss. I put up one of her modeling photos on my mantel and it helps "ground me" when the waves of sorrow return. I look at her beautiful face, before she was ravished by drugs, and feel so thankful to have had her in my life to begin with.

Maybe you can find a way to preserve the memory of your healthy, beautiful big sis and know that she is still with you and she has not stopped caring about her younger sister. Stay sober for her.

learningagain

Brynn...thinking of you, and in awe of the strength and awareness you show in even posting this...stay strong.

Wholesome

(((AF))) I'm so sorry that you lost your sister too! The ways that addictions destroys people and families is just beyond tragic. But we all know, because we've all tried, that you can't drown your sorrows...... they are right there waiting for you when you sober up. I hope you can both find a way to let go of the guilt. It wasn't your fault. xx

Venecia

I'm so sorry -- it is a painful anniversary, Brynn. You loved your sister and she knew that.

Peace be with you.

brynn

Thanks again for the support and encouragement , y'all.

My heart goes out to everyone who's lost loved ones no matter what the circumstances. It's hard living with unfinished business.

Thank god for sleep, and sleeping pills! (hope that's okay to say on a recovery forum). I did sleep, which was a blessing, although my dreams were angst filled. Not nightmares, but the kind of dreams where you have to choose between two really bad things and the kind where you are being chased and are witnessing awful crimes. Ugh.

This is kind of hard to admit, but I feel a little angry at my sister for leaving me (how selfish is that!). Actually, I don't know if my sister was more selfish for leaving or I'm more selfish for wanting her to stay alive given how utterly miserable she was. Of course, I want her alive and sober, not alive and living like she was.

My dad has her ashes. This might sound creepy but I've asked him several times if I can keep them. No. He won't part with them. I do have a little shrine to her....trinkets and mementos and photos and a dried rise from her memorial service. I also have a bottle of her favorite perfume that I spray occasionally . The sense of smell truly is the strongest sense related to memory.

I pray she's found peace.

ArtFriend

I hope you can find peace too Brynn.

fini

brynn,
from one perfectionist to another: you're not doing grief right if there is no anger!!!
so i've been told

seriously, the perfectionism gets in the way of everything. this constant watching and judging of ourselves...i have it, too. it's like a "condition".
i'm getting better at it. slowly.

it's okay to be angry. it's okay to be overwhelmed. it's okay to be rocked by waves of sadness. it's okay to not know how. it's okay to be imperfect. better than! it's the only way to be real. human.

hug to you.

Jeremiah2911

So sorry for your loss, Brynn. I have had multiple losses in a very short period of time and I agree that those anniversaries are so hard. I also agree with what everyone is saying-that your sister would be SO proud of you for hanging in there with sobriety. It's something that she wanted but was unable to achieve. Take care of you.

heartcore

I send you love. It sounds like your sister was an incredible friend & parent to you through a very difficult childhood. I am so sorry you lost her.

I believe we are the accumulation of energies of the many we have loved and who have loved us (mixed in with DNA & stardust, of course). Thus, I believe that no one we have loved is lost to us, as many aspects of their being have imprinted on our being - in memory, behavior, the way we perceive things, what we think is beautiful, the choices they helped us make which shaped our destiny. Always present and living through & with is.

Regarding despair & suicidal thoughts. When I feel that (and I have, at many moments in my life), I say to myself "ok, sure, I could kill myself right now, but then I will miss what is coming next. ". Then I remind myself that if I did kill myself, my worrying & pain would no longer exist. Then I decide to "pretend" I did & simply release all the hurt, then just be present & enjoy the "bonus life" I get. Time turns & my bonus life becomes my actual life & I re-invent myself & find myself happy & engaged in the unexpected future.

I try to call out these moments, to reinforce the choice of life (& particularly sober life). I think "wow, thank God I trusted, because here I am - climbing a mountain or falling in love or kayaking or eating a delicious piece of hand made pie!! (Insert unexpected future happiness here).

Enjoy all your unexpected happiness, Brynn. And create a sober & meaningful ritual that you can do at this time every year to honor & grieve the amazing sister you had a chance to share some of your life with...

Dharma33

Hugs, my prayers and condolences. We'll all be here for you.

brynn

It's weird, but I woke up this morning feeling calm and peaceful.

And I'm doing this sober. That's the part that I keep coming back to. I'm handling this SOBER! I haven't completely fallen apart, I'm still alive, I haven't lost my mind (at least not all of it). I'm facing this thing that I've dreaded since January and I'm realizing that I can indeed face the hard things....the REALLY hard things sober.

I think the days leading up to an anniversary like this are almost worse than the actual anniversary itself. My mind has been all over the place and I've experienced every emotion to the extreme in the past few days. I'm tired.

I'll go to my dad's later with at least one of my brothers.

I talked to my dad yesterday. He was drunk, which didn't surprise me. I think now that he's retired he stays that way. I dread going over there but it's my daughterly duty. I just want this day behind me.

I can already tell that this is one of those experiences that is making me stronger in my sobriety and stronger in general. I just wish the hurt and sadness and feeling of loss would subside, although in a lot of ways I'm afraid for it to. I'm afraid if I don't feel these things it means I don't feel as strongly for my sister or I'm somehow forgetting her. But it's okay. Today I'll just let myself feel what I feel and not analyze it to death.

Dee74

(((brynn)))

D

Della1968

Hope the day went as well as it could for you dolly. Thinking of you.

Soberpotamus

Hi Brynn. I just read through your thread.

Feeling angry that she might have been selfish to leave you - perfectly normal. I sometimes feel that way about my mom's suicide.

Ultimately though, I'm sure she'd want you to go on with your life and to live it happily. I know my mom wanted that for me. It really helps me to hold onto that thought.

I keep some of her ashes nearby too, in an urn It seemed to help me early on, but not so much anymore. I am learning to let her go now.

I wish for you peace. But before the peace, it just really hurts at times. So, I'm here if you need to talk

zjw

Beautiful! you sound like you have a very good understanding of suicides. It was hard for me to wrap my mind around how selfish a suicide can be but also how compasionate one needs to be for the person who does it as well.

It stinks its a crap way to go. I hope she has some peace now and I hope you can find some too. I also hope if anything comes out of all this that is good perhaps its your sobriety? She'd be proud and happy i'm sure.

Nothing creepy its just grief is all. Totally normal. I love the sense of smell thing myself as well. My grandfather smoked a pipe when he died i was asked what i wanted of his I said his tobacco pounches why? becuase he used to let me smell the pipe tobacco when i was a kid and i just loved it. So i got them complete with the tobacco he had left in them. Over the years I've pondered dumping the tabacco and using them for something else but I just cant bring myself to do it. So every now and then i pull them out take a sniff and shed a tear. The smell isnt as good as it was I should freshen the tobacco but i cant bring msyelf to disturb it.

You describe your sister well the way your write is really good at telling the story.

It stinks there are a lot of families accorss the country where they put out some college grads went to church on sundays and everything lookd great from the outside looking in but the reality was it was nothing but crap inside the house. My family came off well in public oh how nice etc.... people would say. Everyone LOVED my step father he was just the greatest nicest man raising those 2 step boys of his etc.. They didnt know he was an abusive drunk however no one new the nonsense that went on behind closed doors.

Cheer up its a big win to get through this sober. I also dont do death sober well either But just had a family death and I remained sober for the first time ever!

fini

you're doing it, brynn.
one step at a time, the day gets done.

and yeah, i understand about the fear/not wanting to let go of the pain or for the heartache to lessen because that might mean we didn't /don't love, and miss, and...

but it's not so.
love is not measured, and certainly not measured by loss.

hurt and heartache and missing are just one expression of it. there are others.
your love for her doesn't need proof by suffering.

when i'm feeling like you is, i think, when people tell me for crying out loud can you not have some compassion for yourself here???

hug to you, brynn.

RobbyRobot

I'm very much in agreement with letting our feelings just be is very much an okay process. I'm sure you'll soon discover new strengths in yourself and in your sobriety as you allow yourself to just be as you are with respect to how you can best process your hurt and sadness. I also want to say the hurt and sadness will subside and not to equate such relief with somehow meaning you are "forgetting" with respect to your beloved sister.

I want to say a lot of my past hurts from whomever and whatever are remembered today not by my revisiting the hurt and trauma as if it *must* stay fresh and urgent, but much more I remember my successful triumphs of healing of such hurts. I remember the struggles, and how much I cared for the persons or situations as they happened back then. I remember the healing accomplished, and the new strengths and opportunities which are born from the ending of my suffering with said past hurts. We don't have to suffer to remember our loved ones and so on.

(((Brynn))) I'm so very proud of your awesome accomplishments these past days. You've really come to a better awareness of yourself and your sober responsibilities, and so naturally, you're more satisfied with yourself even though storms continue to swirl all around. Outstanding! I'm so glad you're sharing with us! Inspirational!

PurpleKnight

Very sorry for your loss Brynn!!

brynn

Thanks for getting it y'all and for the kind words of support and encouragement and just for letting me know it's ok to feel what I feel and it's ok to muddle through and learn as I go. And I am learning. For the first time I'm learning how to face things like a sober adult.

I'm drained today in every way. But at the same time I sense a shift in the way I see and understand things. And not just in relation to my sisters death, although that's a huge one, but in the way I view myself in relation to other people, my family, my circumstances, etc....

I know y'all already know this, but going through something like this sober and present is an incredibly strengthening experience. I feel much more equipped to handle the next hard situation.

What I'm having the most difficulty with right now is the complete helplessness I feel in regard to how to help my dad...and my brothers to some extent, but mostly my dad. Yesterday was awful for him. It was awful seeing him drunk and miserable and just looking so old and defeated. He's only 71 but his years of drinking have ravaged him. I have such mixed feelings about him and a lot of hurts and resentments towards him, but at the same time he's my dad and he's hurting and lost. I don't know how to balance my obligation to him with healthy boundaries . Life is complicated.