LBrain

Hi folks. I've been trying to reach a friend from aa I've known for over a year. Been out of contact since I returned from my trip. I started calling and texting - nothing. Finally today I get a text. Had seizure, wrecked car and recovering from hospital. This friend is recovering from a brain tumor and brain surgery for the cancer along with all of the 'other' stuff that went with it. He had a seizure last year and lost license. Went through a lot of maneuvering to get his license back. Apparently this is still an issue. I was hoping for a camping/kayak trip with this friend in the next month.

Issue here: Other than phone number I had no way to contact this friend. He is a traveler and doesn't stay in one place too long - too busy enjoying life and getting the most from it.

I was truly worried the past couple weeks because I know the medical issues. But I had no other way to reach my friend other than his phone. Makes me wonder how many people come in and out of our lives in this arena and we don't really know why they disappeared.
I need to get info on other family and such in case we lose contact again. Scary stuff.

Any thoughts on this? Are there people in your life that you have a limited ability to contact? It is something to think about for people who don't have family or a solid foundation of contacts. They can disappear and never be heard from again and we'll never know why unless we hire a private detective...

zjw

i've had the misfortune of tracking down old friends only to find obituaries it can be sad sometimes. In some cases its like oh well such is life. But one particular old friend in particular was an older guy I new when i was a kid who helped me a lot and he was also in AA so later when I was battling this I tried to hunt him down mad i ever let this one fade away only to find his Obit.

I guess in my case the morale of the story is to try not to allow important folks to fade out of your life.

Della1968

I recently had an experience that really bothered me. Someone I correspond with mentioned suicide. I knew he had been drinking and I was concerned. However all I have is an email address. It's really been weighing heavily on me for the last week or so. You feel very helpless when there is literally nothing you can do and no one to notify.

Aellyce

I feel this way about some people on here, and experienced the disappearance also. I've had interactions here so personal and meaningful that I don't do everyday IRL. Of course we become attached to these things and individuals and it's disturbing to lose them, the connection is suddenly unplugged and an empty space remains.

ArtFriend

I guess am the person who goes missing. What I mean is that I have no family, live alone, some friends but that is it. I could be dead for days and no one would know, except my cats.

happybeingme

There is another side to this as well. Ourselves. Do you have a list of forums you belong to with user name and password so that in the event something happens to you a friend or family member can online and post notices?

Ruby2

I've thought of this. What happens if? Like what happens if I step off the curb and get hit by a bus tomorrow? I'm going to do what Happy suggested and leave instructions so that my online friends can be notified. As to your friend Brain, I'm sorry. There are some folk who by manner of their lifestyle choose, whether knowingly or not, to be difficult to contact. I say "not" knowingly because they may not have put much thought into the matter.

It takes two to keep in touch, I've discovered. I've not done a very good job at all on some fronts. I can either remedy that by making a more conscious effort from this day forward on my end. If there are people who don't want contact, I have to accept that

aasharon90

Well.....I was born in 1958 and back in the
day before all this cell phones, computers,
new fangle electronic age, the only thing
we had was the phones that were attached
to the walls.

Of course, before my time, there were
other ways to communicate with folks
and everyone used what was available
to them at that time.

Ive had the new fangled cell phone
with the bell and whistles a few yrs.
back, but now that my husband and
I are retired, we don't need all that
extra bells and whistles that cost a
fortune to keep them connected.

My little phone is connected and If
anyone needs me then they can leave
me a message to return their calls. If
no message is left, I have no idea who
is calling.

In case of an emergency, folks can
leave us a message and we can go
about our business living each day
sober and to the best of our human
ability.

Simple and Sweet.

Of course this is what works for us
as everyones experiences in life are
different.

Soberwolf

My brother hardly ever answers his phone even now in sobriety some ppl are like that i hope you make contact L

LBrain

good point to leave info on updating the internet peeps...

as well as other password protected things...

my friend sent me a text to let me know what was going on - that's what prompted this little discussion... if something unforeseen had happened I wouldn't have known, at least not for a while...

I guess along with a will, for those of us that should have one, there are also other considerations as well. I was thinking when I was in russia if I disappeared no-one would have a clue how to find me... And I wouldn't be missed for a while...

Della1968

Not true Ruby and I were very worried about you!

aasharon90

I do take my laptop with me when we ride the
roads on our motorcycle. In fact I like to take
you peeps with me for extra company when
we stay in our hotel for however long we stay.

I have to admit that I spend more time
here with you guys than my own family.
At least you guys know where I am each
day.

And you guys are the only ones I share
with on an almost daily bases.

You guys are my Recovery Support FAMILY
and as of today, I cant live without you.

Wholesome

I lost touch with an old friend of mine..... I'd tried tracking her down on FB and had asked around about her. Then one day I was watching the news and saw that she was missing...... Her lifestyle had finally caught up with her and she found herself in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong guy......

Fly N Buy

If I leave here tomorrow
Would you still remember me
For I must be travelin' on now
There's too many places I got to see
If I stay here with SRRRRRR
Things just couldn't be the same
'Cause I'm as free as a bird now
And this bird you cannot change
Oh oh oh oh oh oh

And the bird you cannot change, And this bird you cannot change
Lord knows, I can't change


I leave a trail of marbles now wherever I go. It used to be breadcrumbs, but the birds ate them.

Sorry bout your friends troubles Brian...........

greens

Yea but there is the flip side. I have had my anonymity broken in the community at really innapropriate times .
I know it's weird not knowing your friends last names and stuff like that but it's terrifying when anonymity is broken in an unsafe way and can be risky.

Aellyce

I don't think I've really given my view on this in my earlier post, so will do here as I think it's an interesting and important topic about accessibility and privacy. I think that every one of us has the individual right and should be allowed the freedom to decide how we want to stay (or not stay) connected, what kind of information to share with whoever etc. People clearly differ in this regard, and while someone's more choice of more restricted "access" may cause worry and uneasiness in others, it simply is how it is. After all, we all experienced and will continue to experience losses in our lives; yes they can be disturbing and unsettling, sometimes we feel even unfair, but it's the natural course of things.

I am also someone who is all over the world and no one really manages my time except myself, I usually just let relevant people (eg. work colleagues, close personal connections) know about my plans and when I would be physically absent from a certain place or when I would be there. There is no one currently in my life who tracks my travels or daily activities in any form. Sometimes there are people entering my life who would want to be able to trace me (control?) much more closely, and then we have to arrive to an agreement about it, but I think I'll never be someone who can be followed just anywhere, anytime. There were times in my life when I maintained a lot of secrecy out of fear / hiding something (eg. my drinking); now it's not that, more just that I don't currently have a relationship where I feel the other person should know my every move, thought, and feeling. I did that sort of thing once before as a drunk, I really liked the no boundary aspect, and I would do it again sober, it's just not current reality right now. I've also experienced disconnection with many people who were very close to me at a given time due to my moving around the world. So my own philosophy in general is that I try to appreciate the connections where and as long as they last, try to get the most out of them. I never believed that human relationships are meant to last forever... sometimes they last a lifetime, but more often not.

In terms of restricted access/information... well I was also in close relationships in the past that were top secret such that I did not know where the people lived, their private phone number, we even used anonymous email addresses created for that purpose. It was their choice and request in the beginning, and I never questioned it or rebelled against it as with that, I would have defeated not only my friend but also my own decision and our agreement. I learned in these situations that formal accessibility has nothing to do with the level of closeness and intimacy that can develop between people... but trustworthiness and confidences do. For me, respecting privacy and keeping confidences have always been central to my value system, and there are clear benefits to this, because people tend to sense it and confide in me in ways that are often unusual. I like being this way and playing this role, because within all the privacy, I do like to get to know select people as far and as deeply as they let me, and I don't need to know where they live or even what names they are officially called for this necessarily.

As for giving my online forum names and passwords to anyone... well maybe it sounds mean, but I would not and will not do it (just being honest). I do this sort of thing with my work-related stuff, but nothing else -- private life is private life for me. Reminds me also when I sometimes hear that people check someone else's email or phone... I understand what might drive that, but makes me cringe each time even to hear it.

In terms of the underlying motives behind this high privacy need (and respect) for me: I think it's partially related to being an only child, plus growing up with an intrusive mother who would secretly search and read my things, or just unexpectedly pop in to my room, no matter whether I was alone or with a visitor. Drove me nuts many times. Then there is the part about the addictions and other bad habits that I tried to conceal for many, many years starting in my teens (I am surely not alone with this here)... and I'm only doing it differently now in the past 17 months of sobriety such that I don't think I have/do much that I would be uncomfortable if people knew. But the old habits won't just vanish overnight, or within a couple years of trying to live differently. At the same time, and I know this is a funny dichotomy about me, I usually have nearly no limits and boundaries sharing and receiving the deepest personal secrets with select people. But for me, this does not require access to their practical information beyond the medium we both chose for it, it's about sharing our inner worlds and relevant life experiences more than anything else.

I'm saying all this for those who expressed concerns about others' high privacy needs, as an example how it works for me and why. I know perfectly well how it can be unsettling to others who have a different style. What I am suggesting is it's really best to accept everyone's choices, and enjoy relationships as long as they last, try to be present to them when we can, and in ways we can.