birdygal78

Hey guys. I can't remember if I've ever posted here before, but I'm recovering in secret and I'm just wondering if anyone has ever dealt with people not checking on them? My husband, my best friend, my pastor and 3 others know about my addictions and my recovery, but none of them (other than my husband since he deals with me daily) ask how I'm doing. I relapsed in February and my best friend chewed my ass out and I told her I was struggling with it and she told me that I looked happy so she thought I was fine. Of course I'm not going to bitch and moan to them about every bad feeling I have about this. That would get old QUICK! I do talk regularly with my pastor about everything.

Has anyone else felt like no one really gave 2 ***** enough to ask how they were doing? Or am I just acting psycho?

Venecia

Many, perhaps most, people find themselves in unfamiliar territory when a person close to them is embarking on the path to recovery. It's uncomfortable and I am willing to guess the main reason people don't discuss this with you is they don't know what to say.

Keep the focus on yourself and your sobriety. Your actions are what matter most to those around you.

Take care and remember this is very doable.

ScottFromWI

I personally found that toward the end of my drinking years, it wasn't so much that no one cared, but they were sick of my excuses and failed attempts at quitting. I also found that I needed to be honest with those close to me about my problem rather than trying to do it alone. You are certainly welcome to share with us....we know what it's like.

Berrybean

Most alcoholics don't really understand that stopping is only half the battle, and that living and happy and contented sober life is another (and can be an altogether more difficult) thing. 'Normies' have no way of comprehending what you're going through. That's why sites like this one, and groups like Smart, AA, and the like are so valuable to us. To be honest, even Doctors don't always 'get' it.

I hope you seek out some more support soon x

happybeingme

I did it alone and I found support for myself. No one but another alcoholic can understand what we are going through.

zjw

i sobered up the first year without the help of aa or anything. I was basicly alone. I still have very few friends and fewer really care enough to ask how i'm doing. My family short of my wife was unaware what was up that first year. anyone who knows now family wise more or less treats me like a leper. I think they are being considerate but it comes accross as if something is wrong with me and I'd prefer it just be ignored at this point.

That first year was hard. no one to talk to no idea what was wrong with me etc.. I grew to accept it. I accepted the aloneness of it. It was the only way to make it tolerable and I felt like no one else could really do squat for me anyhow.

Even when people do know tho they generally dont understand so its not that much use anyhow.

I had a couple people that my mom must have spilled the beans to about it (the other problem if people know they run there mouth) these people then basicly used this knowledge to belittle me and put me down that was oh so kind of them.

The point is sometimes its not all that great having others sometimes its not too much use. anyone who really matters in my case already new. and No one could take the journey for me no one could remove the pain for me no one could learn to cope and sober up for me etc.. I had to do it all.

So yeah it stunk at times but It is what it is.

My first year came and went and no one noticed. I was ticked off no one noticed. But then why should they? they are not the ones with the problem I am. They are not hte ones that walked the sober journey I did. They have no idea what the heck i had been throuh but I did. How could I expect them to understand? Least thats how i felt after the anger subsided.

airwick

I receive support from here. From my first day about 15 months ago SR was/is my "Life-Line". (Just like in the television show "Who wants to be a Millionaire"...lol----if you are familiar with that

MatildaRose

I do understand Birdiy. I have friends that have trouble believing that sobriety can ever last once you've admitted to being alcoholic. I have to always put on a happy face and still they are waiting for the other shoe to drop?? I just don't understand why so many have such little faith in the recovering process.

aasharon90

Once my family and friends knew I was
in recovery and not drinking any longer
then I was cured. No more outbreaks,
no more drama, no more staying out
late going to clubs, no more accidents.

Of course after several yrs in recovery
they thought I was using my continued
recovery program, meetings as an excuse,
a crutch to escape, for everything in their
normal life.

Because they were not sick with addiction
they had and have no idea what it truly is
to be one. I always say it takes one to know
one. Sadly the lack of understanding and
communication between friends and family
caused a rif in our relationship and marriage.

I got so tired, so sick and tired trying to
explain why recovery is so vital and so
important for me to live life of lifes terms
and remain sober, healthy and happy that
I had to buckle down and make sure I practiced
my steps and principles set down for me
to incorporate in ALL areas of my life and
ACCEPT people, places and things just
as they are suppose to be. That I cant change
them no matter how hard I tried.

With practicing Acceptance then I am
able to be free and openminded to continue
on with my own recovery program to help
many others who need a guiding light to
pave the way to living and learning healthy
ways to remain sober or clean one day at a
time.

doggonecarl

Then talk to him about this.

You can't recover in secret and expect people to be forward facing about it.

birdygal78

Thanks everyone! My family doesn't know because they are incredibly judgemental and not accepting of any "problems". My little cousin got into drugs and he's now the "black sheep". I was suicidal in high school and my cousin made up lies to me about her trying to drown herself. When I told someone, it made me look psychotic. I don't open up to them anymore.

So I rely on friends and my church. My church has been huge in this and I get that none of them have ever dealt with this before and don't know what I'm feeling, but sometimes it'd just be nice if they would just say "hey, how are you doing with staying sober?" Since they know I've relapsed 4 times since the end of october.

But in the end I know that I can't rely on anyone else to do this for me and to cater to me

lycanlaz

in a group session the other week the facilitating keyworker was talking about how it had come up to the anniversary of his sober date a while ago. he said he was feeling mildly sorry for himself because no one bothered to tell him well done, or praise him etc, brought it up to his partner, who eyed him and asked why he was expecting anyone to congratulate him for getting himself out of a situation in which he'd put himself in the first place. then she told him to do the laundry.

yeah, we're doing hard work and that's great, but you're right; it's not about anyone catering to our progress and expecting or looking for it sets us up for disappointment which is a doorway to excuses for relapse. if they know you've relapsed several times already, what do you expect them to say? either it's a pat on the back for doing what they think you should be doing anyway, or forced well wishes for someone they're perceiving as making the same mistakes on repeat, because as non-addicts, they ain't gonna understand.

Che

I think how much you care about this depends on how much you define yourself and your life by your problems with alcohol.

The smaller a part of your life that is, the more interests you have outside it that make you feel positive, the more annoying it is when people bring up the one thing that's embarrassing for you and wasn't on your mind at all.

SoberRecovery sort of encourages a culture of every day being a struggle, and making your whole life about quitting alcohol, but I'm not sure that's healthy. If someone asked me "hey, how are you doing with staying sober?" I would feel accused and that the person wasn't interested in all the cool things I'm doing that have nothing to do with alcohol.

Bobcat17

I've only told one close friend that I don't drink now and he was supportive. Of course most of my drinking was done alone, so I guess I just felt like this was something I had to deal with alone.

If I had a friend or family member confide in me about some personal issue they were working on, I probably WOULD check in with them on occasion to see how they were doing. In the case of the pastor, they probably hear a lot of life concerns from their congregants and and simply may not remember each one (not sure how big your church is).
I would seek out other resources or post more on SR for additional support. Best to you.

Soberwolf

Really agree with Scott's post

zjw

I dont like the ole "why should we congratulate you on what you should be doing or shoulda been doing" I heard a guy on youtube just last night play this argument on fat people who lost weight. whys hould they get told good job for finally getting proper eating habits etc.. went on to say how he has always made good choices and remained slim and no one congrats him for it etc..

Now I agree some may not notice as its not an issue to them but to go to the other end of the spectrum like this guy did is flat out ignorant and rude.

Its a delicate balance I guess.

But I learned quickly if i wanted to get praise or told Yeah I know its hard or I know how it can be.. If i wanted support basicly i had to come to a place like this or AA to get full on support.

Non alcoholics can only do so much is all.

gettingsmarter

Hi birdygal the people in my family that know don't ask. Don't think for a second they don't care about you though. I think they trust us and are just happy we are clean.

Berrybean

People won't always behave well towards us, or appreciate the efforts we are making to turn things around- the trick to staying sober is to keep working on our sobriety anyway, and remember not to judge ourselves by other people's responses to us.

The words of 'Anyway' often help me when I'm feeling a bit 'what's the bl**dy point??!!'ish, so I'm going to share them with you. Feel free to ignore them if they don't help you though.

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.
Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.

-this version is credited to Mother Teresa

Lenina

Birdy, forgive me if I'm not understanding, but only a very few people know you're in recovery? And you want to keep it private? Maybe they are respecting your privacy by not asking?

I'm glad you're here, SR is a great place to get support. I hope you'll feel comfortable enough to check in here and get the support you need. It's very hard to get and stay sober on our own.

for me, I needed to do something every day to support my sobriety, like reading here, making a commitment to sobriety daily and helping others where I can.

Love from Lenina

redatlanta

I vote for not understanding alcoholism. I know I didn't before I met RAH.

I got the concept of addiction but applied "normie" thinking to it - like "just quit".

It may be better for you that these things aren't discussed because "normie" advice and judgments I think (sometimes) can be really hurtful and maddening to RA"s. On our side of the street there can be a lot of resentment over things that have happened due to a loved ones alcoholism. May not feel like asking or discussing your sobriety cause I am still trying to get over the pain it caused me. Not sure if that's applicable here.

Anyway - pat on the back from me! Congrats on your sobriety and hard work!