Feel so sad tonight
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,008
Feel so sad tonight
What's the difference in healthy off-loading and honesty, and self-pity? I don't think I've ever worked that out.
I should be happy tonight, I'm 90 days sober. Instead I'm so tired and frazzled by situations at work that aren't easy to solve...I'm dreading tomorrow as we are going over to H's brothers and they will get totally drunk and difficult, and my sister in law is a mean drunk. I can't really get out of it as its my mother in laws 80th birthday....oh and Sunday it is Father's Day in England, and my Dad died 10 months ago. I still have the present I bought for him last year, I didn't give it to him as he'd just been diagnosed with terminal cancer and we were all reeling. I just can't bring myself to move it from the cupboard and it all hurts so much. I keep thinking I see him as I'm driving, walking along the road with his hat on.
I need a break and I'm feeling resentful at so many people.
But hey, I'm 90 days sober. Just a sad little smile from me today though.
I should be happy tonight, I'm 90 days sober. Instead I'm so tired and frazzled by situations at work that aren't easy to solve...I'm dreading tomorrow as we are going over to H's brothers and they will get totally drunk and difficult, and my sister in law is a mean drunk. I can't really get out of it as its my mother in laws 80th birthday....oh and Sunday it is Father's Day in England, and my Dad died 10 months ago. I still have the present I bought for him last year, I didn't give it to him as he'd just been diagnosed with terminal cancer and we were all reeling. I just can't bring myself to move it from the cupboard and it all hurts so much. I keep thinking I see him as I'm driving, walking along the road with his hat on.
I need a break and I'm feeling resentful at so many people.
But hey, I'm 90 days sober. Just a sad little smile from me today though.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 770
Be kind to yourself dear you're going through a lot.
Just because I quit drinking doesn't mean I never get sad. In fact, it's quite the opposite. I drank to numb my feelings and a huge part of my recovery has been learning to accept the bad days and the bad feelings without getting down on myself "for all the things I should be grateful for". That never works for me, just makes me feel worse.
Can you do anything symbolic with your father's gift? Or just in general for father's day- was there something he enjoyed eating or doing that you could do in honor of him?
dinner with your h's family may be difficult, have you been in a situation like that in sobriety yet? It helps me to have an firm response as to why I'm not drinking. It can be difficult when people try to push it on me but most respect my decision.
Just because I quit drinking doesn't mean I never get sad. In fact, it's quite the opposite. I drank to numb my feelings and a huge part of my recovery has been learning to accept the bad days and the bad feelings without getting down on myself "for all the things I should be grateful for". That never works for me, just makes me feel worse.
Can you do anything symbolic with your father's gift? Or just in general for father's day- was there something he enjoyed eating or doing that you could do in honor of him?
dinner with your h's family may be difficult, have you been in a situation like that in sobriety yet? It helps me to have an firm response as to why I'm not drinking. It can be difficult when people try to push it on me but most respect my decision.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Athens, Georgia
Posts: 962
Jeni, congrats on 90 Days. 
It is often difficult 'Living Life on Life's Terms' but the consequences of continuing to seek oblivion from 'Life's Downs' lead to ... more consequences!
I have a good friend in my AA group that often reminds me ... keep working my recovery program during the Dark Night of the Soul, because by doing so, the Sunlight of the Spirit always comes back around.
And I KNOW by much experience, that if I drink ,the Dark Nights can continue with NO reprieve.
RDBplus3 ... Happy, Joyous, and FREE
It is often difficult 'Living Life on Life's Terms' but the consequences of continuing to seek oblivion from 'Life's Downs' lead to ... more consequences!
I have a good friend in my AA group that often reminds me ... keep working my recovery program during the Dark Night of the Soul, because by doing so, the Sunlight of the Spirit always comes back around.
And I KNOW by much experience, that if I drink ,the Dark Nights can continue with NO reprieve.
RDBplus3 ... Happy, Joyous, and FREE
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Jeni26 
What's the difference in healthy off-loading and honesty, and self-pity? I don't think I've ever worked that out.
I should be happy tonight, I'm 90 days sober. Instead I'm so tired and frazzled by situations at work that aren't easy to solve...I'm dreading tomorrow as we are going over to H's brothers and they will get totally drunk and difficult, and my sister in law is a mean drunk. I can't really get out of it as its my mother in laws 80th birthday....oh and Sunday it is Father's Day in England, and my Dad died 10 months ago. I still have the present I bought for him last year, I didn't give it to him as he'd just been diagnosed with terminal cancer and we were all reeling. I just can't bring myself to move it from the cupboard and it all hurts so much. I keep thinking I see him as I'm driving, walking along the road with his hat on.
I need a break and I'm feeling resentful at so many people.
But hey, I'm 90 days sober. Just a sad little smile from me today though.
I should be happy tonight, I'm 90 days sober. Instead I'm so tired and frazzled by situations at work that aren't easy to solve...I'm dreading tomorrow as we are going over to H's brothers and they will get totally drunk and difficult, and my sister in law is a mean drunk. I can't really get out of it as its my mother in laws 80th birthday....oh and Sunday it is Father's Day in England, and my Dad died 10 months ago. I still have the present I bought for him last year, I didn't give it to him as he'd just been diagnosed with terminal cancer and we were all reeling. I just can't bring myself to move it from the cupboard and it all hurts so much. I keep thinking I see him as I'm driving, walking along the road with his hat on.
I need a break and I'm feeling resentful at so many people.
But hey, I'm 90 days sober. Just a sad little smile from me today though.
feelings!!!
I can relate to the dad thing. The first year after my mom passed away I had many,many memories hitting me- many times I would hear her and see her walking through the house.Fightng it wasn't working so I accepted it is what it is. Just let it happen, whatever it happened to be that day.
Just my opinion, but with what ya have going on, I think you should put YOU first and not attend the birthday gig. I'm sure you can visit her sometime in a week or so and wish her a happy birthday or even call her. Your sobriety MUST come first. PLEASE put that first! Your too valuable in Gods world!
PLEASE get yer but to a meeting!!!
Call your sponsor.
Start at step one. Work the steps.
Stay in contact with yer HP and others in recovery.
If you do go to the birthday gig, PLEASE have an escape route.
Prayers out for ya!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,008
My sobriety is safe Tom. I'm attending meetings, working those steps, and in contact with my sponsor.
I have to go to the birthday, but I'm going to spend Sunday having some quiet time. I might go to Dad's grave for 'a chat'.
Thanks for your kind words. ❤️
I have to go to the birthday, but I'm going to spend Sunday having some quiet time. I might go to Dad's grave for 'a chat'.
Thanks for your kind words. ❤️
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
so many times i told myself "welp least i'm sober today" cause so many times its about all i had to even maybe make me happy "least i'm sober" i'd say.
I hope it eases up. But at least your sober! thats a pretty big win in itself!
I hope it eases up. But at least your sober! thats a pretty big win in itself!
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
So sorry for your sadness and it is OK to be down. Lean on the people that are close, pray, and talk to an alcoholic. I would drive separately and make a brief appearance.
I have found putting one foot in front of the other and staying sober can be a good day. Remember nothing lasts forever and better days are ahead
I have found putting one foot in front of the other and staying sober can be a good day. Remember nothing lasts forever and better days are ahead
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,358
I'm sorry you're feeling down Jeni - it happens to the best of us, long time sober or not, alcoholic or not.
90 days is a great achievement tho - you've really been a great example of recovery in action.
I have no doubt about your commitment to recovery but that's not all we do here - if you need support over the weekend, SR is here
D
90 days is a great achievement tho - you've really been a great example of recovery in action.
I have no doubt about your commitment to recovery but that's not all we do here - if you need support over the weekend, SR is here
D
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,522
We love you Jeni. I'm really glad you wanted to talk about being upset. Keeping things inside is one of the things that caused trouble in the first place.
Great job on reaching 90 days. We know how hard you worked for that.
Great job on reaching 90 days. We know how hard you worked for that.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
Leave the present where it is for as long as you want to/prefer to/like to.
There is no need to move it, even if it stays there forever.
I think its nice you still have his present.
It keeps it special.
This is a first for you.
Firsts are always hard.
The first fathers day since your dad passed.
If you didn't find it hard you would not be human.
You are human.
You are a lovely, caring, feeling human too.
Leave the drunks as soon as you can.
You can still celebrate fathers day with your dad.
No reason why you can't light a candle for him, write him a little note.
Maybe you could buy yourself a nice picture frame and put a photo inside it of him.
Then you really could see him every day.
Remember grief is a process.
It takes different people different time periods to progress through the process.
You are still in the process.
Be proud of yourself.
Look how far you have come?
You have been through some life changing, difficult situations and yet you still have 90 days sober.
90 days with all you have had to endure is amazing.
I'm not sure I could have achieved what you have.
It will get better I promise and until it does, you know we are all here to hold hands with you through it.
Love you lovely lady xx
There is no need to move it, even if it stays there forever.
I think its nice you still have his present.
It keeps it special.
This is a first for you.
Firsts are always hard.
The first fathers day since your dad passed.
If you didn't find it hard you would not be human.
You are human.
You are a lovely, caring, feeling human too.
Leave the drunks as soon as you can.
You can still celebrate fathers day with your dad.
No reason why you can't light a candle for him, write him a little note.
Maybe you could buy yourself a nice picture frame and put a photo inside it of him.
Then you really could see him every day.
Remember grief is a process.
It takes different people different time periods to progress through the process.
You are still in the process.
Be proud of yourself.
Look how far you have come?
You have been through some life changing, difficult situations and yet you still have 90 days sober.
90 days with all you have had to endure is amazing.
I'm not sure I could have achieved what you have.
It will get better I promise and until it does, you know we are all here to hold hands with you through it.
Love you lovely lady xx
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,424
Congrats Jeni on 90 days. I'm sorry about your sadness. I think it's completely appropriate for it to feel all too overwhelming right now with your first Father's Day since your dad's passing coming up. Anytime I've been anxious about a particular day or event, every day or event leading up to it is that much more more miserable than it might normally would be. So spending time with drunk people is bad enough being sober, but throw it right before a particularly intense day, and no wonder you're feeling how you are. I think it's really great you knew to reach out here. Keep SR close and any of your messaging apps that may have sober contacts 
Sending you big hugs.
Sending you big hugs.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
way to go on 90 days, Jeni.
sad smile is what it is and sounds just right.
just today i told one of my kids i'd sure appreciate some support from her, and she asked me if it was about my mom and dad or was it something else that's going on and i wondered how on earth she thought i'd be able to separate things out like that...??? sad smile is just both
i hope you soon get the break you know you need. get it/take it.
sad smile is what it is and sounds just right.
just today i told one of my kids i'd sure appreciate some support from her, and she asked me if it was about my mom and dad or was it something else that's going on and i wondered how on earth she thought i'd be able to separate things out like that...??? sad smile is just both
i hope you soon get the break you know you need. get it/take it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
*Hugs*
I agree that it would be perfectly okay to miss the birthday drinks thing. (Migraines are funny old things you know - I can't even see properly when I get one. All I can do is go sleep and wait it out - crying off sick would be protecting your sobriety and also protecting their feelings from knowing the real reasons that it isn't a good idea for you. As a wise old-timer pointed out to me when I was about to land myself in unnecessary hot water - this is a program of SELF honesty, where we try not to do harm. Look to your motivation. Sometimes the little white lie can be for good reason that outweighs the lie (i.e. protecting your sobriety and sanity, and not telling someone that they, or their daughter, is a nasty drunk).
Luckily for me I have not experience yet of a parents passing, but can imagine a little of how sad you are feeling. I was listening to a couple of 15 year olds at the special school where I teach the other week. One of them was feeling sad and confused because his grandad had passed away. The other lost his mother to cancer a couple of years before, and the pupils consider him to be some kind of bereavement guru. If someones dog; dad; hamster; etc. dies, they tend to make a beeline to him for understanding and advice. Anyway, this was a touching conversation. Roberts advice was to let the grief come, otherwise it's like fighting a wave that'll come anyway. He was talking about his memory book that he has created, but suggested Mat do a memory box because 'you've got to face it mate. Your writing and drawing's a bit rough'. On anniversaries and 'sad days' he gets it out, has a cry, and remembers 'the little things ' by looking in the book. Apparently he has a mixture of things (tickets; earrings; etc) that he has stuck in it, along with photographs and little pictures he's drawn. Mostly for him it's writing as he loves to write. I asked him what kind of things he write in there, and he said it's sometimes things he wishes he could tell her. Sometimes it's jokes he remembers sharing; bits of memories that come to him; or something someone has told him about her that he didn't know before. Not particularly profound advise, but it really helps Robert, and I know he'd want me to pass it on to you.
I really hope you can find a way to be gentle with yourself this weekend xx
I agree that it would be perfectly okay to miss the birthday drinks thing. (Migraines are funny old things you know - I can't even see properly when I get one. All I can do is go sleep and wait it out - crying off sick would be protecting your sobriety and also protecting their feelings from knowing the real reasons that it isn't a good idea for you. As a wise old-timer pointed out to me when I was about to land myself in unnecessary hot water - this is a program of SELF honesty, where we try not to do harm. Look to your motivation. Sometimes the little white lie can be for good reason that outweighs the lie (i.e. protecting your sobriety and sanity, and not telling someone that they, or their daughter, is a nasty drunk).
Luckily for me I have not experience yet of a parents passing, but can imagine a little of how sad you are feeling. I was listening to a couple of 15 year olds at the special school where I teach the other week. One of them was feeling sad and confused because his grandad had passed away. The other lost his mother to cancer a couple of years before, and the pupils consider him to be some kind of bereavement guru. If someones dog; dad; hamster; etc. dies, they tend to make a beeline to him for understanding and advice. Anyway, this was a touching conversation. Roberts advice was to let the grief come, otherwise it's like fighting a wave that'll come anyway. He was talking about his memory book that he has created, but suggested Mat do a memory box because 'you've got to face it mate. Your writing and drawing's a bit rough'. On anniversaries and 'sad days' he gets it out, has a cry, and remembers 'the little things ' by looking in the book. Apparently he has a mixture of things (tickets; earrings; etc) that he has stuck in it, along with photographs and little pictures he's drawn. Mostly for him it's writing as he loves to write. I asked him what kind of things he write in there, and he said it's sometimes things he wishes he could tell her. Sometimes it's jokes he remembers sharing; bits of memories that come to him; or something someone has told him about her that he didn't know before. Not particularly profound advise, but it really helps Robert, and I know he'd want me to pass it on to you.
I really hope you can find a way to be gentle with yourself this weekend xx
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